How do I live with myself

[Hanna_]

First time poster here and sorry English is not my first language. I have been reading on LS for a while and would like to share my story and hear out some advice from you all. Sorry for the long post ahead.

Female 36 yo here. I've been married for 9 years and have been with my husband (37yo) for 15 years; we have an adorable 4.5 yo little boy who thinks of mommy and daddy as his world. My husband was my first boyfriend from colleague: introverted, studious, does not hang out much or have many friends. When we met he rarely broke a word and I was told I was one of the few that he trusted and could talk so much to. I was always one of the most important people in his life even before marriage.

I was somewhat the opposite of him. I like to hang out and make friends easily. I got quite a good control of myself so even when I had many male friends and colleagues who sometime made advance, I was always able to reject them all straightforwardly. My husband never gets jealous; simply because I was never that flirty type and I made my boundary clear. The love we had was calm and text-book like. No drama except for some major fights but I don't keep such memories or grudges for so long. We get a long well and he was always proud of me as a wife who's fun to be around. We are a bit different from normal husband-wife dynamics in where we live here where I made good money and have a good career and we split everything financially equally. We don't have a joint account and I managed my own savings.

One issue that we always have was that we are not sexually compatible; I was always hurt and was not enjoying it to the point I dreaded sex with my husband and tried everything to avoid having to do it with him. We went at it for about once in a month before the baby was born and after he was born we stopped totally as I was making excuses of feeling insecure about my body. My husband sulked every now and then but he also knows how I was not enjoying it and somehow accepted the way it was.

It started since the beginning of last year when our fights would become petty over how not caring he was and how I felt like a man on my own, taking care of myself and of our little boy. I like to travel extensively for work and for fun and on the 2 times we went as a family on vacation at the beginning of last year, I felt like I have to deal with another boy who was sulky and was a baggage to carry around. He was no fun, not engaging to me and our boy. I was always with our boy and he was distant somewhere in his own little world. Now, I never ever doubt that he cheats or anything; that was his way of living. He doesn't talk a lot and is always very focused on his work. He likes to chat online with friends and colleagues but not to talk much on real life. I was okay with that until it was clear to me that I was so alone in the relationship with him and I started picking fights with him after our 2nd family trip. There was no resolution whatsoever and I got fed up. I am usually the one who tries to resolve everything within the day as I dont like to have things hanging between us that create tension. But this time I was so upset I told him I was done fighting and just let the arguments boil silently. His way of arguing was also not helpful as he was not taking the responsibility and was making excuses to blame it back at me. So off we start the longest argument that we have ever had since we were together. 

A few month of tension afterwards and I met a co-worker who I've know for a year or so but was cautious being around him because I thought he and I were very similar and could lead to something dangerous. But one work trip together and I felt somehow very attracted to him. After that trip I let it slip and continued my life as usual but our work became very much intertwined and we met regularly at work to discuss things. One night after a hangout with other colleagues, he asked me for another drink and we started our 15 months affair from then. He also never had an affair before and was somehow convinced that we could lead to something, which I initially was very cautious about. Typical story, he was not in a good marriage and drifted away from his way for a few years. But I wont go into details 'cos it does not matter much now.

I spent more and more time engaging in my new relationship; all the while my relationship at home get worse and my husband started talking to my family about our issues. I was away on a business trip and he got my mom and sister saying I was an irresponsible mom. That was something I was very upset about because my son is very important to me and although I value my work and career a lot, he was always my top priority and I was always guilty of not spending as much time as other stay-at-home moms or regular working moms could. So my husband and I drifted further apart. He started to calculate expenses around the house and raise my share of the contribution, which I was fine with. He also argue that since he started working at home (Also about 18 months ago), he got more time to spend with our little one and ask me to spend every evening with our boy, leaving me with no me-time at home (before that we split our parental duties at night - he takes 3 nights I take 4 nights and I got sometime to myself some of the nights). I started to resent him more and more.

Exactly one year ago my AP and I started this on and off cycle due to the guilty we both felt and the future my AP was so convinced that could work when we started also became bleaker as he realized so much was at stake, especially his 2 children at home. We would not talk for a few days and went right back at it after wards, only to pull away 2-3 weeks later.

Also exactly one year ago I called my husband while he was on his business trip admitting to him that I felt for someone else at work and that I felt guilty. We talked about it and he started to make changes to spend more time with me and our boy. But the changes were short-lived as it was not his nature to do so. He started having doubts that I have an affair and sometimes confronted me about it. He also started to demand sex for me to "proof myself". I was guilty and I obliged, shameful and hurt. He only cared for himself and I felt like a whore. He also mentioned many times that if we are to divorce, I will have to move out and he will pay me my contribution of the house, as he would like to keep the house and get custody of our son, on the ground that I was what caused the divorce and if I behave we would not have to go that route. He could be very mean like that.

Since I obliged to my husband's sex requests, I pull further away from my AP as I don't feel good about sleeping with two men at the same time. Our affair became strictly EA at that point which was 6 months ago. Until a few weeks ago AP and I had a serious talk about our future and I realize it's about time I stopped nurturing further thoughts about how we could be. We talked a few other times and the more we talked the more I realize that continuing this would further damage everyone involved and mess with my sanity further. We struggled with NC but somehow I've managed for the past 2 weeks. I don't see him at work anymore as he made it a point to avoid me so as we don't feel uncomfortable at work. That actually makes it easier with the NC but I still think of him very often. I know that making NC work relying in myself being resolute about this whole thing because my AP would crack up and contact me every time after a week saying how much he missed me. 

As for my husband I have since opened up more to his attempt to bring our relationship back to normal. We talked more often and make it a point to hug everyday, something we didn't do for a long time. But he would get sulky every time I tried to avoid sex (and I still try very much as I could) and would be very mean afterwards. I am torn between thinking of my AP with regretful thoughts and obliging to my husband and play a happy wife at home. It's killing me. I am at that point where I think of telling him everything just to let every thing out in the open, so we could decide whether or not and how to move forward.

I need advice on how I should move forward with this

- I've cut all contacts with AP and I am resolute to make it work because our talks had bring a lot of clarity and closure to me and I know it will never work. I dont have anymore false hopes on what could have been.

- Im still playing along at home, putting up an usual face but I just want my own space to grieve and not to have mandatory sex with my husband that makes me hurt and feel like being used every time. Should I tell my husband I need space? Should I tell him everything and let it flow? I am financially independent and could live very well on my own but I am afraid of losing custody. He works at home and I travel for work maybe 5 days per month and I also work long hour. I dont know how the court works but I am afraid my work is not in my favor when deciding which parent can raise our son better. As for my son, mommy is his world and he would choose me over his daddy any day. But he's also attached to daddy and his house; it hurts me to think of how my son would react when he has to leave the house or does not have mommy and daddy together with him anymore.

- I know there's a chance we can reconcile, but if my husband knows he will choose to stop this. But if I dont let every out, I dont know if I can fake being happy wife any longer. I feel like I need some space to cool it off.

I am sorry for the long post as my thoughts are everywhere.  Thanks for reading and I hope to hear some thoughts / advice on what to do next

 

Edited November 9, 2020 by HannahVu

[Ocdude]

11 hours ago, HannahVu said:

Im still playing along at home, putting up an usual face but I just want my own space to grieve and not to have mandatory sex with my husband that makes me hurt and feel like being used every time. Should I tell my husband I need space? Should I tell him everything and let it flow? I am financially independent and could live very well on my own but I am afraid of losing custody. He works at home and I travel for work maybe 5 days per month and I also work long hour. I dont know how the court works but I am afraid my work is not in my favor when deciding which parent can raise our son better. As for my son, mommy is his world and he would choose me over his daddy any day. But he's also attached to daddy and his house; it hurts me to think of how my son would react when he has to leave the house or does not have mommy and daddy together with him anymore.

Just a quick reply,  I’m sure you are going to get much more from members here since the weekend is over.

Have you put yourself in your husbands shoes? What would you do if he was the one writing this post? Do you think if he knew the truth that he still want to be with you? I don’t think that you really thought about what you have done to the marriage? If you’re unhappy, just divorce him. Once he finds out, you may not have a choice. I’m a believer that children are happier with two happy single parents then a miserable married couple.

[mark clemson]

I think the most sensible thing is to take the bull by the horns and either work on your pretty bad marriage or decide whether that's actually still feasible. The affair was just a band aid and as you can see it ultimately didn't accomplish much.

Men are different and interpret a lack of sex differently. I suspect that in his eyes you didn't care enough about him to have sex regularly. Now in return he's not caring enough to worry about whether you enjoy it. However, the fact that you truly don't/can't enjoy it with him probably means there's a genuine sexual incompatibility between the two of you. That does not bode particularly well unless it can be overcome somehow.

A marriage counselor is something to consider; just be clear on whether they have their own agenda. For example if you're genuinely not comfortable revealing the affair and they insist that you MUST, they likely have their own moral agenda. An insistence that "affairs are good" is a red flag as well. Don't hesitate to shop around.

[michzz]

I do not think you are being honest with your husband and have not been so for a very long time. Even here you blame him for your cheating.

You need to be honest with him and, frankly, set him loose. He will not recover from your infidelity unless he is away from you.

Your lack of candor is not how to repair things with anyone.





 

Edited November 10, 2020 by michzz

[usa1ah]

So you stopped having sex with your husband and treated him like a roommate. 
 

Then you got mad at him because he felt rejected by you. 
 

Then you started f***ing another man because YOU treated your husband like a roommate. 
 

This is all on you. You are 110% responsible for the failure of your relationship. You caused all of it. 

[Miss Spider]

I’m sorry. I really cannot offer any advice other than to say to not beat yourself up too much for your mistakes. I understand how devastating it must be but you are a human and humans make mistakes. 

[DKT3]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I think the most sensible thing is to take the bull by the horns and either work on your pretty bad marriage or decide whether that's actually still feasible. The affair was just a band aid and as you can see it ultimately didn't accomplish much.

Men are different and interpret a lack of sex differently. I suspect that in his eyes you didn't care enough about him to have sex regularly. Now in return he's not caring enough to worry about whether you enjoy it. However, the fact that you truly don't/can't enjoy it with him probably means there's a genuine sexual incompatibility between the two of you. That does not bode particularly well unless it can be overcome somehow.

A marriage counselor is something to consider; just be clear on whether they have their own agenda. For example if you're genuinely not comfortable revealing the affair and they insist that you MUST, they likely have their own moral agenda. An insistence that "affairs are good" is a red flag as well. Don't hesitate to shop around.

Honesty is truly the only way to get resolution in these situations.  First she needs to be Honest with herself,  she is blaming her husband for her not being sexually attracted to him while stating its always been that way. Secondly not wanting to tell has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to hurt her husband and everything to do with not wanting to be seen as the bad guy or having people change how they view her.

She has created this dynamic and genuinely seems shocked that her husband is reacting negatively to her very negative and relationship killing behavior.  

There is alot of self reflection needed here, can't do that without Honesty.  All around Honesty,  that will resolve this one way or the other.

[Hanna_]

Thank you all for your inputs / thoughts. I wrote this lengthy post when I was very puzzled of what to do next. I found all of your answers are very helpful. Some are harsh, but necessary. 

@Ocdude: I know for certain he would call it off if he knows of what happened. He is a very proud person and we were in a trusting relationship until I let the affair happen. I am also not afraid of the divorce option; I've been mentally preparing myself for what's next but losing custody would be the utmost nightmare. Given how hurt he will be, he will fight for custody as hard as he can and I am not sure I stand a good chance on that.

@mark: the sexual incompatibility was what I thought not a major factor. I was never into it that much even in the affair. I thought we have other parts of the marriage covered, so sex is not that important to think about. I was wrong; maybe the issue is with me. I've been thinking somehow if we break up he could be able to enjoy a new life with a more loving wife that he deserves. At the moment my options are either working on my marriage or trying to see if it's feasible, as you said. I guest I need more time to reflect and have more clarity on which option I can wholeheartedly follow. And whether or not to tell him the whole thing or just live with it.

@michzz: sorry if it came off as blaming my husband for my cheating. I know I am 100% responsible for what happened. Thanks for calling me out for my lack of candor - I need that. We've always been honest with each other until I messed up.

@usa1ah: You're right. I am totally responsible for what happened and I need to live with it. 

@Shortskirtslonglashes: thank you for your kind words. I made such a grave mistake and now I am trying to navigate it but it seems I give off the vibe that I am not remorseful for what happened - which I am right now. I just hope give it some time and I will be able to see clearer on what I need to do

@DKT3: being honest with myself - I never thought I wasn't honest at least with myself but perhaps 3rd party view could be more objective. I know I've messed up for a long time. Not wanting to tell actually has to do more with me having anticipated what will be the outcome of that (divorce and a custody battle with husband), while I am not sure what course I should follow. I accept the consequences of what I do and if people view me differently, they are entitled to do so - that is actually the least of my concern.

 

[DKT3]

Your entire first post sounded like a woman who was never invested in her marriage, now you say you don't want him to find out because it will lead to divorce...where is the honesty in that? You said i avoided sex with him at all cost but complained that he was uncaring...can you not see how one impacts the other? 

Point being your entire post comes off as out of touch with the reality of your situation. 

Last you say you spent alot of time with this other guy and not much at home, then you got upset when your husband told your sister and mom you were an absent wife and mother.  You don't see how the two of opposing? How can you spend as much time as you described with you boyfriend and work and still be present with your family?

[Hanna_]

27 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Your entire first post sounded like a woman who was never invested in her marriage, now you say you don't want him to find out because it will lead to divorce...where is the honesty in that? You said i avoided sex with him at all cost but complained that he was uncaring...can you not see how one impacts the other? 

Point being your entire post comes off as out of touch with the reality of your situation. 

Last you say you spent alot of time with this other guy and not much at home, then you got upset when your husband told your sister and mom you were an absent wife and mother.  You don't see how the two of opposing? How can you spend as much time as you described with you boyfriend and work and still be present with your family?

Maybe it's my language but I did not spend a lot of time with the AP. We barely got together, maybe once per week at most. WIth all the pull-away that happened due to guilt, I dont think I spend more than a day (8 hours) with him per month.

I dont know if this sounds like Im defending myself. I was upset when my husband took it to my family members and gave his side of the story and after that I also talked to my sister and mom about my side of it. I never discussed with his parents about our issues and usually tried to resolve between us.
I am perpetually guilty for not feeling I've spent enough time with my son than I'd like too, but if I am not on a business trip, I am with him 2 weekend days full day and on weekday from when i finish work till he goes to sleep. I prep him for school for an hour in the morning for an hour too. For me that is still not enough as I am out for about 4-5 nights per month for work trips/events.

I got your point and thanks for taking the time to reply. I realize I need to reflect on my honesty around this issue which you've already pointed out the last time. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by HannahVu

[DKT3]

On 11/8/2020 at 9:22 PM, HannahVu said:

I spent more and more time engaging in my new relationship; all the while my relationship at home get worse and my husband started talking to my family about our issues. I was away on a business trip and he got my mom and sister saying I was an irresponsible mom. That was something I was very upset about because my son is very important to me and although I value my work and career a lot, he was always my top priority and I was always guilty of not spending as much time as other stay-at-home moms or regular working moms could. 

It has to be one or the other...can't be both. 

[Miss Spider]

Sorry if I am wrong, but you don’t seem sexually attracted to your husband. You never really enjoyed sex with him. And then you were attracted to this guy at work. It seems like you felt obliged to have sex with your husband out of guilt and when he forced you( I cringed at that part 😞), because you were afraid he would divorce you, kick you out, take custody of your son. It seems like you feel forced to stay out of obligation to your family, not out of love. That is really sad to me 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[LouSifa]

@HannahVu this sounds exactly like my marriage after our 1st child. My 6th sense tells me she was cheating on me with a colleague because of their body language at her bring your spouse to work events, there used to be phone calls at night, and then texts. She said the usual things women say to men to throw them off, but I had more female friends on the come up, then males and they schooled me on that ish. We still don’t sleep together even though I’ve been very accommodating to ALL of her needs, while mine aren’t met the one time a year it may happen.  What sucks for me is that I’m torn between putting my image out there to have an affair of my own (regardless she emotionally cheated although I’m pretty sure she slept with him once) or if I should continue letting my little bit of soul being eaten away at the core. We have 2 young ones as well and I just don’t want someone else raising them because my parents are dead and they are all that I have left here.  If I were to give advice it would be biased because you would be my wife having the affair and I would tell you to be honest and tell him what you did and let him make the decision if he wants to have an open marriage or leave. You should be prepared for the latter.

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Honesty is truly the only way to get resolution in these situations.  First she needs to be Honest with herself,  she is blaming her husband for her not being sexually attracted to him while stating its always been that way. Secondly not wanting to tell has absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to hurt her husband and everything to do with not wanting to be seen as the bad guy or having people change how they view her.

You talk about honesty, but your post contains it's own lies.

1) Revealing an affair is NOT the only way to get resolution. Ending it without revealing it CAN also resolve it in some cases. Of course you will redefine "resolve" to suit your own agenda next, but in my opinion that will be just doubling down on baloney.

2) She isn't blaming her husband for not being attracted to him. She's not happy about it, and not happy about having sex plus she doesn't enjoy the attitude he has developed. But she doesn't blame him for not being attracted.

3) The "absolutely nothing" claim is of course a distortion. She can want to protect herself AND her husband AND her children simultaneously. If YOU built a bomb shelter in your own back yard, would you only make room for one?

I'm not saying you make no valid points, but speaking generally I find it extremely hypocritical for folks to moralize about honesty while deliberately presenting their own distortions.

Edited November 10, 2020 by mark clemson

[Zona]

So why do you think sex with your husband was physically painful, but sex with AP was enjoyable?

You obviously don't love your husband and you are not attracted to him sexually. What kind of a marriage is that?

Just divorce him and keep quiet about your affair. No point destroying him any further. Let him find a woman that loves and desires him.

If you want a shot at reconciliation, then I would tell him everything, and let him decide what he wants to do based on him knowing the truth.

Edited November 10, 2020 by Zona

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Zona said:

So why do you think sex with your husband was physically painful, but sex with AP was enjoyable?

Anatomy, technique and feeling like her husband treats her like a whore, may have something to do with it...

[Zona]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Anatomy, technique and feeling like her husband treats her like a whore, may have something to do with it...

I suspect that she felt like she was cheating on her true love (OM) by having sex with her husband, that's what made her feel like a whore, not anything her husband did. She likely felt resentment that by having sex with her, her husband was getting in the way of the relationship with AP which she values much more.

Regardless If she blames her husband for her feelings of being used and forced to have sex she doesn't want, the marriage is over. Just need to make it official. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Zona

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, Zona said:

suspect that she felt like she was cheating on her true love (OM) by having sex with her husband, that's what made her feel like a whore, not anything her husband did

No, her discontent with the sex started day one...

On 11/9/2020 at 3:22 AM, HannahVu said:

One issue that we always have was that we are not sexually compatible; I was always hurt and was not enjoying it to the point I dreaded sex with my husband and tried everything to avoid having to do it with him. We went at it for about once in a month before the baby was born and after he was born we stopped totally as I was making excuses of feeling insecure about my body. My husband sulked every now and then but he also knows how I was not enjoying it and somehow accepted the way it was.

 

[DKT3]

52 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You talk about honesty, but your post contains it's own lies.

1) Revealing an affair is NOT the only way to get resolution. Ending it without revealing it CAN also resolve it in some cases. Of course you will redefine "resolve" to suit your own agenda next, but in my opinion that will be just doubling down on baloney.

2) She isn't blaming her husband for not being attracted to him. She's not happy about it, and not happy about having sex plus she doesn't enjoy the attitude he has developed. But she doesn't blame him for not being attracted.

3) The "absolutely nothing" claim is of course a distortion. She can want to protect herself AND her husband AND her children simultaneously. If YOU built a bomb shelter in your own back yard, would you only make room for one?

I'm not saying you make no valid points, but speaking generally I find it extremely hypocritical for folks to moralize about honesty while deliberately presenting their own distortions.

Mark I'm much farther alone in this game then you....I've tried it all. Sure op can stay married,  sure she can conceal her affair.  If that is THE GOAL then there are ways to get there being dishonest.  However,  if the goal is a healthy balanced relationship with love and respect you can only get there with honesty.  After all,  how can you truly love and respect someone if you are unable to be open and honest? How can you have a balanced relationship with information that would change your partners desire to remain in that relationship? 

[johnpalment0129]

Hi, I'm new, I will be glad to exchange useful information!

[johnpalment0129]

I want to help you, but I don’t understand how! What specific question are you interested in?🙃

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Mark I'm much farther alone in this game then you....I've tried it all.

Perhaps so, but I'm not sure how that would justify presenting distortions to OPs while "preaching" honesty.

 

7 hours ago, DKT3 said:

 Sure op can stay married,  sure she can conceal her affair.  If that is THE GOAL then there are ways to get there being dishonest.  However,  if the goal is a healthy balanced relationship with love and respect you can only get there with honesty.  After all,  how can you truly love and respect someone if you are unable to be open and honest? How can you have a balanced relationship with information that would change your partners desire to remain in that relationship? 

Hmmm. Well "radical honesty" is a thing precisely because apparently the majority of actual couples keep at least some secrets from each other. Maybe those aren't "healthy and balanced" relationships (in your opinion) but I don't think that's necessarily true.

As a for instance, if a wife doesn't want to own up to all her 35 priors (many of which were ONSs) because she knows husband has less experience and/or tends to get insecure - does that mean she doesn't love him? Their relationship is "unbalanced" in a significant way (I assume no relationship is ever "perfectly balanced".)  Seems to me that if the wife is loyal and loving and the husband is too, well, the past is in the past. The "imbalance" only occurs IF she tells him (and it's mostly in the husband's head since he's the one with the insecurity issue).

An affair is a bigger deal, but IF it's fully over, similarly, the past is in the past. For some people guilt, etc will gnaw at them or there is too high a risk, but that's only a subset of cases, not all. The relationship doesn't NEED the revelation to flourish again (IMO).

So I'm not in agreement that this is a REQUIREMENT (so long as the affair is actually fully over); I think one CAN truly love and respect someone IF they've fully gotten over an AP. It seems to me your approach dangles the shiny object of what sounds like some ideal relationship via pretty words, while in fact suggesting a course of action that's actually much more likely to blow up the marriage. (Weren't you recently posting about how many spouses leave when they find out about an affair?)

IMHO this approach is in actuality quite duplicitous, whether intentional or no, all while taking the apparent high road of proclaiming the importance of honesty.

Edited November 11, 2020 by mark clemson

[Hanna_]

 

@Shortskirtslonglashes: as you wrote that out it actually sounds very sad, thanks for understanding. I hope this is just a phase and it will get clearer soon.

@LouSifa: thanks for sharing your story and I am sorry for what you're going through. I know how my husband would react if he finds out and I am prepared for that. For now as I've been pulling away from the affair and it's ended, we're back to how things were and my husband seems much happier nowadays. I still think I owe it to him to tell him what happened and why I did. 

@mark clemson: thank you for your words. I don't blame my husband for our sexual incompatibility; in fact I thought we were okay in other areas and that would make up to it. Interesting you said sometimes spouses do keep secrets from each other. I confided in a close girlfriend (who also knows my husband as our kids hang out together biweekly) who advised me to swallow it and never tell a word, as she fears the outcome would be devastating to me either way if we try to work on it or if we eventually split. 

@Zona and elaine567: the incompatibility starts from when we were dating but I brushed it off as unimportant and I thought sex was overly talked about in movies/media. Over the years I actually read up a lot on why I don't enjoy it with my husband and I thought I was one of those unfortunate ones that biologically will not enjoy sex. We even went to a doctor for consultation who concluded that I am fine and I need to relax more, but I couldn't. 

It was different with the AP, mainly because of the feelings of closeness and being cared for that I had. Perhaps in my relationship with my husband I always was the more dominating one - I decide almost everything for the family and am very independent. He hardly has to do anything for me, if at all, as I take care of myself and our family well. It's not that he didn't care to do, it's because I never asked him to. This I think is the key difference why I was not able to relax with him when we're intimate.

[mark clemson]

Thanks Hanna. For clarity -

1 hour ago, HannahVu said:

@mark clemson: thank you for your words. I don't blame my husband for our sexual incompatibility; in fact I thought we were okay in other areas and that would make up to it. Interesting you said sometimes spouses do keep secrets from each other. I confided in a close girlfriend who advised me to swallow it and never tell a word

There are SOME people who have excessive guilt or similar or, like DKT3, themselves strongly feel that it's very important not to keep it a secret. Telling works better than not for THOSE folks (although sometimes it DOES blow up the marriage, despite the good intentions).

There are advantages and disadvantages to either path. I just don't agree with the agenda some folks have that one MUST tell and providing (IMO false) justifications for it, etc. I don't think that's in the best interest of posters here. I suggest you make the decision that's right for you - your marriage and your circumstances.

Edited November 11, 2020 by mark clemson

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Perhaps so, but I'm not sure how that would justify presenting distortions to OPs while "preaching" honesty.

 

Hmmm. Well "radical honesty" is a thing precisely because apparently the majority of actual couples keep at least some secrets from each other. Maybe those aren't "healthy and balanced" relationships (in your opinion) but I don't think that's necessarily true.

As a for instance, if a wife doesn't want to own up to all her 35 priors (many of which were ONSs) because she knows husband has less experience and/or tends to get insecure - does that mean she doesn't love him? Their relationship is "unbalanced" in a significant way (I assume no relationship is ever "perfectly balanced".)  Seems to me that if the wife is loyal and loving and the husband is too, well, the past is in the past. The "imbalance" only occurs IF she tells him (and it's mostly in the husband's head since he's the one with the insecurity issue).

An affair is a bigger deal, but IF it's fully over, similarly, the past is in the past. For some people guilt, etc will gnaw at them or there is too high a risk, but that's only a subset of cases, not all. The relationship doesn't NEED the revelation to flourish again (IMO).

So I'm not in agreement that this is a REQUIREMENT (so long as the affair is actually fully over); I think one CAN truly love and respect someone IF they've fully gotten over an AP. It seems to me your approach dangles the shiny object of what sounds like some ideal relationship via pretty words, while in fact suggesting a course of action that's actually much more likely to blow up the marriage. (Weren't you recently posting about how many spouses leave when they find out about an affair?)

IMHO this approach is in actuality quite duplicitous, whether intentional or no, all while taking the apparent high road of proclaiming the importance of honesty.

I will say this then leave it, because I'm not sure its a debate op is interested in.

Your veiw is coming from wanting to hide....hide what you've done and in essence who you actually are.  My views come from having shared with my wife all my mistakes, shortcomings and hidden parts and having her accept those things about me as I do her. We tried your way as do most people here at some point, its largely unsuccessful. Truth is it will always be there, the barriers and despite your best efforts, that axe could drop at any moment. Shaky house and a dangerous foundation. 

From my perspective your way is dishonest trickery that is actually stealing someone's choice.  My veiw is if I've done something that I know there is a chance it would alter my wifes desire to be with me I owe it to her to give her that information and allow her to accept it or move on.