Cookiesandough Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 (edited) Can someone please stop me? I told myself I wouldn’t date because I know what happens when I date. It always ends in disaster and I am pushed to the brink by it. But I can’t help but want to date. I’m so bored. It’s fun. I just I have so much fun dating and I cannot stop. I like the dating stage. I like the potential and giddiness.And with my quest to find some new friends not working out that well for me, it’s not a surprise I kind of want to go back to something that does I know it’s a bad idea. I think I have an idea to not get in too deep. I will go on a maximum of three dates with anyone. That way it’s completely still acceptable to say that it isn’t going to work out and no one‘s feelings are that hurt. please can someone just tell me this is a bad idea for me right now, because it doesn’t seem like a bad idea at all Edited November 9, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I told myself I wouldn’t date because I know what happens when I date. It always ends in disaster and I am pushed to the brink by it... ...And with my quest to find some new friends not working out that well for me, it’s not a surprise I kind of want to go back to something that does These two statements contradict each other. That usually means you’re not in a good place to date. Wanting to date and connect is normal, but wanting to date for the reasons you’re citing is unhealthy. Your time and energy would be better spent in figuring out why dating is a disaster for you and working on the thoughts and beliefs that cause the pattern. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 It seems the reason dating has been a "disaster" for you is that you aren't honest with the guys about what you are feeling and what you want. Dating isn't the problem. If you could just date casually and be honest that's all you want (for now), it might be ok. But I think you like the idea of getting serious and enjoy the added attention and excitement that comes with more intense relationships. But when reality sets in you lose interest and get bored. Then you feel sad that you hurt someone else and wonder why it happened again. Planning ahead of time, before even meeting someone, to limit the number of dates before saying it won't work is dishonest and basically just playing a game. That's how people get hurt. If you feel you must, then go ahead and date - but be very honest from the beginning and throughout your interactions. Say you just want to have fun and do NOT just go along with taking things in a more serious direction if that comes up. Going along just to be "nice" is not nice at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I will go on a maximum of three dates with anyone. That way it’s completely still acceptable to say that it isn’t going to work out and no one‘s feelings are that hurt. You are someone that guys are going to invest in heavily from day one, they wont be able to believe their luck. After 3 dates they are going to be sorely disappointed if you then dump or ghost them... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 Haven't you been single for like 2 weeks? Way too soon. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MeadowFlower Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 5 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I will go on a maximum of three dates with anyone. That way it’s completely still acceptable to say that it isn’t going to work out and no one‘s feelings are that hurt. Don't waste the guy's time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted November 9, 2020 Author Share Posted November 9, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: These two statements contradict each other. That usually means you’re not in a good place to date. Wanting to date and connect is normal, but wanting to date for the reasons you’re citing is unhealthy. Your time and energy would be better spent in figuring out why dating is a disaster for you and working on the thoughts and beliefs that cause the pattern. Dating works out for me just fine. It is the part that dating often leads to that is the problem for me. I felt like I could solve this by going on only 3 dates. Edited November 9, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted November 9, 2020 Author Share Posted November 9, 2020 4 hours ago, FMW said: It seems the reason dating has been a "disaster" for you is that you aren't honest with the guys about what you are feeling and what you want. Dating isn't the problem. [If you could just date casually and be honest that's all you want (for now), it might be ok. But I think you like the idea of getting serious and enjoy the added attention and excitement that comes with more intense relationships. But when reality sets in you lose interest and get bored. Then you feel sad that you hurt someone else and wonder why it happened again. Planning ahead of time, before even meeting someone, to limit the number of dates before saying it won't work is dishonest and basically just playing a game. That's how people get hurt. If you feel you must, then go ahead and date - but be very honest from the beginning and throughout your interactions. Say you just want to have fun and do NOT just go along with taking things in a more serious direction if that comes up. Going along just to be "nice" is not nice at all. That is true, FVM. Your post was helpful as always. I am misleading about it, because I do like that feeling. Also I don’t know if a guy would take it that well if I said I’m looking for fun , but I didn’t mean a ONS. So yeah, it’s really hard to be completely honest about this. I guess I can say I am looking for fun and just be a little bit more ambiguous about what that entails because not taking anything off the table . I just know I am going to date again now. So I have to be careful to minimize any damage. In the past, I slow faded or ghosted everyone after dates(1-4). I have obviously learned a lot more since then and now write to them. I will never get carried away and go along for a relationship EVER again no matter how much I like the person’s company. I now completely understand what that leads to for me and it is never good. I would never put myself or another through that again. Just figuring out where the line is. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I just know I am going to date again now. I hope you at least insist on paying for yourself on these dates. It's not fair to go through the motions of traditional courtship when you have no intention of going beyond a few dates. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 51 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Dating works out for me just fine. It is the part that dating often leads to that is the problem for me. I felt like I could solve this by going on only 3 dates. That’s not really how it works. You’re thinking of using dating as a distraction for boredom, when the real issue is your thoughts, beliefs and defense mechanisms. It’s like someone who is overweight using food to distract themselves from the unhappiness they feel from being overweight. It might give temporary relief, but ultimately will just make their real issue harder to overcome. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 (edited) You seem to be in a head space where you're thinking only of yourself. While there are undoubtedly flakes and users on OLD, you will meet men who date you in good faith. Having them date you when you've got no intention of taking it further is a rotten thing to do to someone. From what you write, you seem like a good person. Will treating others this way really help you feel better about yourself? Edit: I just realised that you're Cookies with a name change. Do the work on yourself which needs to be done so that you can get a better outcome for yourself and not cause harm to others. Edited November 9, 2020 by basil67 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 If it's attention you like, why not just flirt instead of date. You can give some guy a big ego boost but then walk away (one encounter not three). No harm, no foul, no expectations. Once you have processed your breakup and are ready, you can then date for real. Note that if you NEED excessive attention/validation like an addiction (rather than doing it for a bit of fun) that could be a real issue and you should consider seeing a therapist about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted November 9, 2020 Author Share Posted November 9, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, basil67 said: You seem to be in a head space where you're thinking only of yourself. While there are undoubtedly flakes and users on OLD, you will meet men who date you in good faith. Having them date you when you've got no intention of taking it further is a rotten thing to do to someone. From what you write, you seem like a good person. Will treating others this way really help you feel better about yourself? Edit: I just realised that you're Cookies with a name change. Do the work on yourself which needs to be done so that you can get a better outcome for yourself and not cause harm to others. 1 hour ago, basil67 said: You seem to be in a head space where you're thinking only of yourself. While there are undoubtedly flakes and users on OLD, you will meet men who date you in good faith. Having them date you when you've got no intention of taking it further is a rotten thing to do to someone. From what you write, you seem like a good person. Will treating others this way really help you feel better about yourself? Edit: I just realised that you're Cookies with a name change. Do the work on yourself which needs to be done so that you can get a better outcome for yourself and not cause harm to others. Hi basil I guess it is somewhat hard for me to accept that I’m shouldn’t be allowed experience a fun life experience that just about everyone else does. I can’t have the excitement and energy of spending time with a man I am romantically interested in on a Saturday night. Especially since I would pay my way and it’s just a couple dates. I guess that is what is hard for me to accept. Edited November 9, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Hi basil I guess it is somewhat hard for me to accept that I’m shouldn’t be allowed experience a fun life experience that just about everyone else does. I can’t have the excitement and energy of spending time with a man I am romantically interested in on a Saturday night. Especially since I would pay my way and it’s just a couple dates. I guess that is what is hard for me to accept. No. No playing the victim here. It's been endlessly suggested that you do therapy so that you can go dating without causing harm to yourself or others. People get upset when they meet someone who they really like and find out they've been used. Do you really want to cause this harm to others? Paying for dates isn't enough to stop this being about using. Using people as time fillers or for fun is equally poor form. These are real people who you're wanting to toy with. Edited November 9, 2020 by basil67 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 (edited) @Shortskirtslonglashes Hey Shortskirtslonglashes, I've read your other thread. Didn't post in there because I felt you were receiving a lot of good advice already. What you're thinking about doing is both selfish and reckless and it's going to hurt a lot of unsuspecting people out there. There are people on OLD looking for something meaningful and then they're going to meet you, get led on, and burned real bad, after they realize they're on a different page than you, and it'll be them who has to deal with it and get on with their lives. You don't know what kind of damage you might be doing or how people will deal with things. People show up here everyday, grieving over being treated like this, or hurting over something that was done to them years ago that still affects their current relationships. This shows they do carry the damage caused, by careless or reckless behaviour, onto the next thing. Don't think you don't have the power to do that to someone. You do. If you're cool with being selfish and hurting people for your entertainment, get to dating. If not, then take responsibility for your choices, exercise some discipline, and stay out of the scene, until you learn how to be good on your own. There are healthier and far more effective means to fulfilling yourself, in the way you need, without using people. - Beach Edited November 9, 2020 by Beachead 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 10 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Can someone please stop me? Hi SSLL Nobody can actually stop you - only you can stop yourself, if you wanted to. Question: what is your ideal scenario, as far as personal relationships? How do you see your future? Do you see yourself as part of couple, living under the same roof, potentially having children? I'm asking because it sometimes helps to visualise how you want your future to look like (it doesn't need to be set in stone, though); it can give you a sort of purpose, and it helps you move through life with more direction, as opposed to only focusing on short-term stuff. A maximum of 3 dates sounds like a pretty constricted self-imposed rule steeped in short-term self-gratification in itself, and also a bit too unrealistic, to be honest - not sure this proposition will attract many decent guys past the first date. Even if you are drop dead gorgeous and a wonderful conversationalist, experienced men will be able to pick up 'short-term' vibes from you subconsciously. So I guess it depends on the type of guy you're ultimately looking to pass the time with? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted November 10, 2020 Author Share Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said: Hi SSLL Nobody can actually stop you - only you can stop yourself, if you wanted to. Question: what is your ideal scenario, as far as personal relationships? How do you see your future? Do you see yourself as part of couple, living under the same roof, potentially having children? I'm asking because it sometimes helps to visualise how you want your future to look like (it doesn't need to be set in stone, though); it can give you a sort of purpose, and it helps you move through life with more direction, as opposed to only focusing on short-term stuff. A maximum of 3 dates sounds like a pretty constricted self-imposed rule steeped in short-term self-gratification in itself, and also a bit too unrealistic, to be honest - not sure this proposition will attract many decent guys past the first date. Even if you are drop dead gorgeous and a wonderful conversationalist, experienced men will be able to pick up 'short-term' vibes from you subconsciously. So I guess it depends on the type of guy you're ultimately looking to pass the time with? I guess what I want is best described in giving an example of one of my most enjoyable dating experiences. Basically, it was this guy I met off tinder. He was awesome, my type in just about every way. Our second date, we spent the night walking our dogs, laughing, and just having amazing conversation. We laid in the grass listening to music and making out. But I began to realize that we are not compatible in some key aspects, and also he started to become more lovey dovey, so I canceled our 3rd date. That night is still such a fond memory for me . Maybe you are correct that it is not reasonable to only expect a couple dates with someone.. Like in Weezy’s example, a overweight person eating for gratification, I felt like maybe I ‘d be good having just two or three chips instead of the whole bag. But maybe it is a fundamental problem I have that I would be selfish to not consider others in my decisions. I am reconsidering my decision to dates again based on what you, beach, basil, and some said. I definitely don’t want to do harm to people. I have discovered that when I act only in my self interest and not too much of others’ , I actually end up feeling hurt more later because of guilt and regret. I wouldn’t want it done to me either. So it isn’t worth it to me. Thank you all for your help and helping me realize that maybe this won’t be the best thing for me. Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said: Question: what is your ideal scenario, as far as personal relationships? How do you see your future? Do you see yourself as part of couple, living under the same roof, potentially having children? I'm asking because it sometimes helps to visualise how you want your future to look like (it doesn't need to be set in stone, though); it can give you a sort of purpose, and it helps you move through life with more direction, as opposed to only focusing on short-term stuff. I was going to come back and say this, but EJ has beaten me to it. I will also add that it sounds like you love the high of dopamine and adrenaline of early dates. (Hey, don't we all!) Then when the high starts to settle, instead of learning to appreciate someone at a deeper level (if he has potential) you ditch him so that you can get your next high. I guess the question is why you're needing a continual fix 3 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) I agree with the others, but to add, I am wondering now if you might have some underlying hostility towards men that you're not aware of? I mean, you seem compelled to want to hurt them! Whether you're consciously aware of it or not. Did some guy(s) hurt you real bad in your past? Ghost you? Use you? It reminds me of a movie I watched years ago, about a girl who was considered the "ugly duckling" in high school, and all the boys made fun of her and bullied her. Well, she grew up to be a great beauty and vowed to teach all the boys from her past a lesson for bullying her and hurting her. So she partook in this mission of dating guys, getting them to fall for her, and then dumped them. This gave her great satisfaction. I am not saying that this is what you've done or what you're planning to do now, it only reminds me of that. Dating guys, max three dates, then dump. It seems quite intentional. shortskirts, I like you, I think you're a decent person so I hope you will re-think this idea. xo Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted November 10, 2020 Author Share Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) Never been ghosted or treated bad by anyone yet, they have always been kind to me which is why I DON’T want to hurt anyone. I do not disbelieve in karma, @poppyfields how can you think that? That I just want to hurt people? I just want to go on dates. I have been brought to endless tears out of being upset that I have hurt people I’ve dated. I made this whole post because I want to date but I do not want to hurt anyone. So I do not know why you would get the impression that I want to hurt people, even subconsciously. Of course the three dates are intentional. It was my solution to not continuing too far to where there are feelings involved and people get hurt. That has happened in the past. I just feel like I should be able to date too. Just because I do not have the same end game or the same goals , seems unfair I can’t date Maybe you see some other solution to my problem I’m not seeing. I’m beginning to feel like it doesn’t matter. I am always the bad guy Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) 40 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: I just want to go on dates. I have been brought to endless tears out of being upset that I have hurt people I’ve dated. I made this whole post because I want to date but I do not want to hurt anyone. So I do not know why you would get the impression that I want to hurt people, even subconsciously. I can't speak for Poppy, but I suspect the confusion comes from you not not being able to see how your plan has the potential to cause hurt. I know you post on other people's threads and you give excellent advice. Do you see all the people who date and sometimes find someone they feel they click with, only to be ditched? They walk away with their self esteem battered and no idea what they did wrong. Quote I just feel like I should be able to date too. Just because I do not have the same end game or the same goals , seems unfair I can’t date You're approaching dating as a recreational activity, but a lot of the people you will meet are genuinely looking for a way to meet someone for a relationship. They plan dates, they dress nicely, they put in emotional effort - only to be ditched after three dates. Do you not see how unfair your approach would be for them? And yes, I'd say the same to guys who just want sex. Quote Maybe you see some other solution to my problem I’m not seeing. If you really must do it, advertise that you're looking for a good time, not a long time. This should mean that the guys who want genuine connection know to not approach you. Of course, doing this means you'll attract only the men who want sex and to move on. Would you be happy with this? If not, why not? Edited November 10, 2020 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted November 10, 2020 Author Share Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, basil67 said: If you really must do it, advertise that you're looking for a good time, not a long time. This should mean that the guys who want genuine connection know to not approach you. Yes. I will of course tell that at some point before our first date I’m only looking for fun and casual. In the past, I have told everyone that I am open to anything or that I’m looking for a relationship because I really thought I was. But now when I start dating again I will tell them I just want fun and not have any expectations. I will also pay my way as well. That’s not an issue for me. You’re right that there are people that really do get hurt after 1-3 date. I really think they are an exception not the rule, though. The really bad situations I have gotten into have been when three dates became three weeks, three months, blah blah blah. it just sounded like people were telling me I have two options....1s Date until it leads to an LTR/marriage. 2. Or never date again. Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 Are you willing to have sex during these three dates if you vibe well? Otherwise, what's in it for him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted November 10, 2020 Author Share Posted November 10, 2020 Just now, basil67 said: Are you willing to have sex during these three dates if you vibe well? Otherwise, what's in it for him? If I tell him the score and where I stand , why should what he decides is in it for him be my problem. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: If I tell him the score and where I stand , why should what he decides is in it for him be my problem. OK. But if you struggle to get dates, don't complain about not being able to date. Edited November 10, 2020 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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