I think I want to start dating again

[poppyfields]

45 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I can't speak for Poppy, but I suspect the confusion comes from you not not being able to see how your plan has the potential to cause hurt.   

Yes. This^ thanks basil.  shortskirts, I don't think you consciously want to hurt men, which is why I asked if there might be some "underlying" reason or hostility for what you do and/or are planning to do that you're not aware of.  Because let's face it you do hurt a lot of men with your behaviour.

I am not judging you at all, but admittedly you've ghosted men, ran out on dates due to anxiety, jumped into relationships too fast when not even sure you want one, and your recent ex, you agreed to marry within only a few weeks. 

I'm sorry shortskirts, I just don't understand your mindset here.   Since you must realize that undertaking this mission of three dates, for fun and entertainment, then dump, has the potential to be quite hurtful to these men.  Or do you not believe it would be hurtful?  

That's all shortskirts.  Confused about your thought process mostly.  

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

@poppyfieldsI know I have in the past. You are talking about my last relationship. I got roped into that because I went with the flow too much. I didn’t put my foot down because I did like them and I didn’t want to hurt them. So after three weeks,  I did not stop the relationship when I should have.  When someone you have been dating and you like  propose to you and says the sweetest things under the sweetest, most thoughtful circumstances,  it takes a very strong woman to shut them down and say “no”. I guess I am sometimes not as strong as I would like to be. But I am not malicious. 
 

I did ghost people in the past. But this was after one or two dates. I am sorry but if somebody gets bent out of shape because a person fell off after one date it is a little bit of an overreaction. However, I never did this to be malicious either. I did this because I did not want to shut them down/confront them( after all, it was only a couple dates max) and it was easier to just block them and run away from the problem. I would personally prefer to have been ghosted in those circumstances. However, I learned that people overall do not like that so I have since changed this behavior and I always write them a farewell message  stating “good luck, I don’t think we are a match “though I cringe the whole time. 

———

 

I don’t think it would necessarily be hurtful as what basil said, I can always tell them I am just looking for fun only . They can make that decision for themselves. There are plenty of situations where people only have fun and day and are not seriously dating. I don’t understand why I need therapy because I want to do this

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

Shortskirts I never said you needed therapy, and I know the ghosting etc, was all in the past. 

I've done same, so seriously no judgment from me, okay?  We learn, we grow, which you have, I've seen it just in the short time I've been a member here.  

What you wrote about not believing it would be all that hurtful, has some merit.  I mean logically, how attached could a guy get after only three dates?

You're beautiful, you're fun, it's a great time for him! 

So I guess I understand it a little better, as long you're straight with them should they ask.

I have a question though.  When I dated, men got real grabby with me, often on the first or second date, wanting to kiss me, etc.

How do you get around that?  Are you attracted to all these guys?  Enough to want to kiss them? 

Anyway, have fun.  Keep it real. 😃

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Thanks for understanding, your kind words, also for noting that I have made progress here. I know that this place is taught me so much about dating. 
 

As for the kissing or any grabbiess, it all depends on how I feel in the moment. If I think I am not ready for that, I’ll just say that and it’s been respected in the past. I guess I have been lucky but I am pretty selective with the guys that I go out in the first place. I I think I am good at vetting guys so I don’t run into the problem of them being out of line with the grabbies. They usually match my energy as far as if it’s OK to kiss or more or they wait. And in a casual setting where we’re only going on a couple dates,  I am not necessarily ruling that out, no. It depends on how I feel. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[normal person]

17 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I just want to go on dates. I have been brought to endless tears out of being upset that I have hurt people I’ve dated.  I made this whole post because I want to date but I do not want to hurt anyone.

How do you figure you're not hurting anyone, though? I suspect you're not going to tell them specifically upfront "I'm only seeing you three times, then it's over." Why? Because you know this is a bad thing to do. To me it just reads like you're trying to convince yourself it's not. 

 So unless there's a clear understanding that you won't see someone a fourth time, or the situation is somehow similarly advantageous for them, then you're misleading them, wasting their time, wasting their money, denying them an opportunity to meet someone that actually wants to be with them long term, etc. That is hurting someone, it just doesn't seem as bad on the surface as some other outright offense like cheating. It's a pin prick as opposed to a stab wound, but that doesn't mean it's ok to do. Pin pricking 10 guys might not "seem" as bad as stabbing one, but a decent person wouldn't do either.  Speaking as someone who online dated for years, those minor, seemingly harmless offenses (lying, being late, being intentionally misleading, lying by omission, etc) can be really draining and aggravating after a while. Meeting a few people who lack the decorum and decency to match and respect your time and energy can be as frustrating as the one person who was outright objectionable, if not more. I imagine this is why there are so many people who get fed up with OLD, because of all these small offenses at the expense of strangers that people think are within their right to do. These kind of selfish and callous attitudes in dating and in many other areas do hurt people, and it's slowly tearing the fabric of society.

17 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I just feel like I should be able to date too. 

There are lots of things I "feel" like I "should" be able to do too, but I don't do them if they come at the expense of other people, because I have a conscience. There were plenty of times I could've easily ghosted/slept with/played mind games with/lead someone on, but I didn't do it because those are terrible things to do people, and the whole dating landscape is hard enough as it is these days. Plenty of people do those things, and I think it sets the tone and expectation that they're just acceptable, even de rigueur. If you don't want to hurt other people, you can take a stand and decide that you aren't going to do those things either, even if other people do them to you. 

17 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Just because I do not have the same end game or the same goals

The things you do still have an impact on other people, not just yourself. 

17 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

seems unfair I can’t date

I think you mean "it seems unfair that I can't date within this very narrow set of boundaries that I've decided is ok for me and will have to enforce on an unsuspecting participant even if it isn't ok for them." How would you respond if the person whose time you wasted said "it seems unfair that she can just waste my time like that for her own personal benefit at my expense."

Yes, it is unfair that we can't do everything we want in life. We all have to live with that reality. Some people will accept it and be decent on their path to try to get the things they want in an honest fashion. Other people will take the path that's most convenient for them even if they have to stab (or prick) a few people for it, or in other words, the selfish path. You sound like a good person otherwise, hopefully this isn't a blind spot for you.  

Edited November 10, 2020 by normal person

[Chilli]

l don't know, from what everyone says round here the guys usually start disappearing after they've had their fun and a  few dates just about every time anyway. So on that hand and going on that same theme that seems to be through 100s of posts and complaints round here, 3 dates should work out well , he'd probably be outa there anyway after that. So unless your one of the very rare few , where guys instead actually seem to stick around later and actually want something more serious , all should be just dandy with your 3 date thing anyway, or 1 -2 , whatever.

But on another note and sorry to say but you sound so messed up it's pretty scary to think you'd be out there on the loose looking for casual and personally it sounds more like you need to just stay the hell out of it for a good while figure out who you are and find your yourself.

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Chilli

[Miss Spider]

I disagree with your opinion that I am “so messed up“ but I respect it,  nevertheless. Having taken all of the opinions into account, I have resolved to start dating again starting next week. Normal person, looking at it from a utilitarian sort of way is fine, as long as you don’t erase me from the equation. remember, I am also a person a human being who has goals and desires.  I do not believe I could do enough damage with a handful of dates ( especially keeping in mind the casual disclaimer and not letting them pay) that it should be mitigated by me never having fun in the romantic sphere ever again. 
Thank you, all. I appreciate it 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

shortskirts, apologies if this was asked and answered previously, but how do you plan on getting rid of these guys after three dates?  I know for me, it wasn't always that easy telling a guy I wasn't into seeing him again, after one or two dates.  I can only imagine it would have been harder the more dates I had with him.  And if there was kissing involved (which there never was since I wasn't into him anyway) even harder I would imagine.

I mean, some guys just refuse to lose, I am sure you've experienced this too.  It was a real pain in the a** sometimes - like a TOTAL pain in the ass.  I had guys trying to talk me out of it ad nauseum, I recall one guy screaming at me through the phone; I would block, then some would call from another line, like I said a real PITA sometimes.  

Not to mention, I wouldn't even have an enjoyable time when I wasn't into the guy.  Seriously, I'd rather be home reading a good book than be out with some guy I didn't like all that much.

I get you enjoy dating, but is it worth all that drama?  You're attractive, guys fall for you.  I don't think this is going to be as easy and fun as you're imagining it to be, unless I am missing something?

There was this one super nice guy I rejected after two dates that still breaks my heart when I think about and this was like ten years ago!   He was so nice, but I simply wasn't attracted to him physically.  But he fell HARD for me, after only a couple of dates.  And I will never forget sitting across from him over dinner telling him how I didn't think we were the right fit (paraphrasing), and the look on his face.   Damn well broke my heart.

I dunno, if you can do it with a clear conscience, more power to ya.  I couldn't, in fact just telling this^ story is choking me up, remembering the look on his face.

Anyway, keep us posted, okay?  Like a dating journal or something.  It would be interesting to read all your stories!   Have fun!  

 

 

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Yes, what you are saying is making it sound scary, but you can’t manage everyone’s emotions/behavior. I think what you are describing is unreasonable behavior after a couple dates and should get the person blocked. Also, I don’t think I will necessarily have to “end” it if I say I am looking for casual. I might not necessarily want to because I may decide I change my mind later on down the road. 
 

. I  think there is this misconception that I’m going to be going out with guys I have no interest in or I am not attracted to in any way. . I will not be doing that. I don’t even see a point in that.  I am not looking just to use someone validation or attention. I am looking for a mutual romantic connection, but just short term due to it fitting my personality/preferences much better. 

 

I am getting a profile together for online dating because I think this is actually the best/simplest pool to pull from for what I’m looking for

I will update if there are any noteworthy dates that I go on. Thank you so much

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I  think there is this misconception that I’m going to be going out with guys I have no interest in or I am not attracted to in any way. . I will not be doing that. I don’t even see a point in that.  I am not looking just to use someone validation or attention. I am looking for a mutual romantic connection, but just short term due to it fitting my personality/preferences much better. 

Thanks for clarifying shortskirts, if you posted earlier, I missed it.   So that makes sense.  Still don't quite get the "I am looking for a mutual romantic connection but just for short term" part, but you gotta do what works for you, and I totally respect that.

Keep us posted!  😂

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

I get bored/disinterested/claustrophobic  in long term romantic relationships and long for freedom of singlehood again after a couple months, regardless of how much I initially like the person. It has happened in all my LTRs. I find the beginning part the most fun and exciting and I want to experience that more. I haven’t really been able to since I got a late start 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

I’ve hurt too many people in long term relationships. I refuse to ever do it again 

[basil67]

Would you like a long term relationship if you didn't fall out of love?

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I get bored/disinterested/claustrophobic  in long term romantic relationships and long for freedom of singlehood again after a couple months, regardless of how much I initially like the person. It has happened in all my LTRs. I find the beginning part the most fun and exciting and I want to experience that more. I haven’t really been able to since I got a late start 

I hear ya, I typically have too!  I love novelty, I get bored quickly, feel suffocated, all of it.   In fact, I've had some previous boyfriends accuse me of being commitmentphobe because of it!

That was up until I met my last long term ex.  We both needed tons of space, we lived together but allowed each other all the space we needed, we had our own rooms even.  And our relationship was pretty much HOT and exciting for five and a half years until the day I walked out after discovering he was a serious drug addict (meth and coke) and things got very ugly after that.  Long story.

Same with my fiancé.  We both needs TONS of space.  He travels a lot for his work so this works out beautifully.  He's gone right now as a matter of fact, returning tomorrow night and I cannot wait to see him, I've missed him tons!  It never, literally never, gets old, dull, boring, claustrophobic. 

I guess what I am saying is that with the right guy, it doesn't have to be that way.  You just gotta meet a guy that needs as much space as you, which gives you both the opportunity to long for each other.  Miss each other.  Crave each other.  My fiancé and I have a mutual understanding that if either of us feels suffocated, then we take a break.  And we live together!   I know that sounds crazy but too much togetherness just isn't our thing, and it works for us!

You are only in your 20s, I didn't meet my ex, who was the first love of my life until I was 28.  Before that I had a couple of long term relationships, was engaged twice, I broke both.  I just couldn't go through.  I felt like if I had, my life would have been over.

But I feel completely differently now and it's all because I chose the right guy for me.

 

 

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

33 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I’ve hurt too many people in long term relationships. I refuse to ever do it again 

What makes you think you won't hurt them in a short term relationship?  I don't really see much difference shortskirts.  If they've got feelings for you, it wouldn't matter when you dump them, short term or long term.  They are going to be hurt either way.  

[Miss Spider]

42 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Would you like a long term relationship if you didn't fall out of love?

I can’t say for sure as I’ve never been there, but doubtful. I just prefer being single and playing the field . 

[Miss Spider]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What makes you think you won't hurt them in a short term relationship?  I don't really see much difference shortskirts.  If they've got feelings for you, it wouldn't matter when you dump them, short term or long term.  They are going to be hurt either way.  

I think there’s a significant difference in the feelings involved between breaking off with someone in a long term committed relationship vs a couple casual dates . Yes, there are psychos but it does not compare to the pain that you feel from hurting somebody that you have grown attached to for 6+ months

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I think there’s a significant difference in the feelings involved between breaking off with someone in a long term, 6+ month  committed relationship vs a couple casual dates 

Fair enough.  I didn't know how you were defining short term.  For me, I consider 6 months a short term relationship.   I would consider anything over one year to be long term.  A few dates is not even a relationship.

But yeah after only a few casual dates, depending on the guy and how much he likes you, he should bounce back quickly.

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

You can date IMO. Just make it very clear from the outset you're only looking for casual. Multidating might be an option (IF that's something you actually would enjoy) as exclusivity is one thing that gives people a sense it might be more serious. If Ethan knows you're still also seeing Jonah, he knows at some level it can't be that serious. He also might think of you differently, depending on his views, but that's ok - he's not going to be around THAT long anyhow as per your style/intentions.

You are certainly not alone in not wanting a LT commitment; there are apparently many people out there who are happier that way.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I can’t say for sure as I’ve never been there, but doubtful. I just prefer being single and playing the field . 

Go for it. Nothing wrong with scratching an itch.

[normal person]

19 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

remember, I am also a person a human being who has goals and desires.

You're right, but there's a difference between satisfying your desires honestly and doing it in, well, other ways. Simply having them isn't an excuse to act inappropriately. I suppose everyone has a different opinion about what's acceptable and what's not. If you honestly don't think you're going to do anything wrong, then ok.  

19 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I do not believe I could do enough damage with a handful of dates ( especially keeping in mind the casual disclaimer and not letting them pay) that it should be mitigated by me never having fun in the romantic sphere ever again.

What's the actual disclaimer? Because saying "casual" is going to mean something different to someone reading it than it does to you. The guy reading it is going to at least expect there's something in it for him. No one's going to assume "casual" means 3 non-sexual dates and then a ghosting, because that's very unusual. If you and I were talking and you just said "I want to keep it casual," I'd assume you mean that you weren't going to pressure me into commitment right away but also that you'd sleep with me without much resistance. Hiding behind the ambiguity and discrepancy in expectations of "casual" is just another way to spend someone's time and absolve yourself of wrongdoing. If you're not clearly explaining these very specific and unique terms that only you know ahead of time, then it still seems like deception, in my eyes. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this. 

 

19 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

do not believe I could do enough damage with a handful of dates ( especially keeping in mind the casual disclaimer and not letting them pay) that it should be mitigated by me never having fun in the romantic sphere ever again. 

Your philosophy seems a bit out of whack. Life is unfair. You know this. We all have to deal with things, we all have to play the hand we're dealt. If you have to limit yourself to 3 dates before you get attached/hurt/whatever, that's your problem to deal with, not everyone else's. It's no one else's fault that you have this issue, but you're putting it on them and making it their problem. It's not much different than, say, a guy who's bald intentionally withholding that information (hats, toupees, etc) from someone with the justification "am I just not allowed to have fun because I'm bald?" Look, anyone with an issue like this that becomes an obstacle towards they want has my sympathy. I feel bad that you can't handle long term relationships the same way I feel bad for the bald guy, short guy, person in a wheelchair, etc. But inherent decency suggests that if it's something you'd want to know about someone else, it's immoral to withhold it yourself. Mature people are going to accept their circumstances and deal with them and not make someone else's life worse (even a small amount) because of some erroneous concept of fairness. 

 

Edited November 11, 2020 by normal person

[Miss Spider]

UpdateUpdate

 

I joined a dating site today and I got to talking to a guy. He seems pretty cool and he asked me out. I messed up though. I said hey, since you draw,  why don’t you just go to this sketching group that I am a part of that’s happening tomorrow. 
 

I forgot that in the sketch group there is kind of this guy I am digging pretty hard. So if I have the date tomorrow at the sketching group, it will probably kill my chances with the other guy. I am thinking about moving the date even though I suggested it.  It would be cool to go with him. He is a really good artist. But I don’t want to unnecessarily kill my chances with other dude.
 

Lastly, I really don’t know his dating goals and he hasn’t asked me mine. So far we are really just talking as friends. 
 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Never mind. I don’t like this guy anymore.  he is starting to annoy me. No match 

Edited November 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

Glad you've sorted out guy #2.   But if you're sticking to the 'three date and dump' rule, don't mess around with the guy at the art class because you'll have to keep seeing him in class after you've dumped him.   It would spoil the art class for both of you.

[Miss Spider]

I wrote to him “sorry. I I don’t know about the studio and how they feel about guests. would you be cool grabbing coffee sometime” 

He told me that he doesn’t drink “caffein” but he could find something and recommended we godo UPaint pottery painting thing. I’m not feeling it at all.