I think I want to start dating again

[Miss Spider]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Glad you've sorted out guy #2.   But if you're sticking to the 'three date and dump' rule, don't mess around with the guy at the art class because you'll have to keep seeing him in class after you've dumped him.   It would spoil the art class for both of you.

True. Thanks, basil. And I don’t think I am dumping them btw. I wouldn’t call it that since we’re never actually together. Just a couple dates 

[basil67]

Wording technicality I guess.  But even if it's not an actual dump, it's still a rejection.   And so awkward for both of you afterwards. 

[dangerous]

On 11/11/2020 at 2:35 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I can’t say for sure as I’ve never been there, but doubtful. I just prefer being single and playing the field . 

This.

So just date/ multi-date and enjoy it, if you meet someone you like, then it will naturally develop.

i don't think you really need to either declare or over-analyse your intentions.

[Miss Spider]

Just writing that I have a date tonight with a guy that I am actually pretty into and have know for awhile(not close but just knew of each other.  I am pretty excited about it.
But. 

I’m trying to not think too far into the future.. but this has been my experience with dating guys I’m into 

Liking them leads to wanting their company

leads to spending a lot of time with then 

leads to spending almost every day with them 

leads to bf/gf / getting married 

leads to getting inextricably enmeshed in their life 

leads to boredom

leads to longing for the time I had ALL my time to myself and feeling stuck

Leads to desire for freedom to date others

leads resentment when I’m with them 

leads to wanting to break up 

leads to disaster 

So, cut out the middlemen it all leads to disaster. Even if it starts out really awesome. I am just going to go on this one date. I will probably not to go on a second date even if the date goes well. But I am just going to enjoy my time with him because I find him super hot

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mark clemson]

How many relationships have you actually had?

I ask because maybe they just weren't that great. You've "learned from experience" how it goes, but you're young. Your sample size must not be THAT big. Maybe you're just not ready to be tied down yet.

Think about how many generalizations/stereotypes men have about women and women have about men. They're all wrong, because of course they are based on finite personal experiences and there are those who don't fit those "molds".

Perhaps you will one day be ready to settle down and/or will "find the right guy". Don't discount that possibility if it's something you actually want at some deeper level.

It's also possible you have some form of avoidant attachment or other psychological quirk that makes you a bit "commitment phobic" in the LT. Possibly you're a bit of an NRE "junkie". You could, IF you want, consider therapy to explore these issues as well.

Edited November 18, 2020 by mark clemson

[Miss Spider]

Thank you @mark clemson. Great insight, as always.

You’re right. I don’t know. I have exhausted myself thinking about it. Just going to enjoy my dates and go with the flow. Please what is NRE? 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mark clemson]

NRE = "New Relationship Energy"

(Energy in the psychological sense of positive emotions and enthusiasm: "new love", not the spiritual or metaphysical sense, as the term was originally intended, although there are probably some who would argue that.)

[pinkpaw]

6 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Just writing that I have a date tonight with a guy that I am actually pretty into and have know for awhile(not close but just knew of each other.  I am pretty excited about it.
But. 

I’m trying to not think too far into the future.. but this has been my experience with dating guys I’m into 

Liking them leads to wanting their company

leads to spending a lot of time with then 

leads to spending almost every day with them 

leads to bf/gf / getting married 

leads to getting inextricably enmeshed in their life 

leads to boredom

leads to longing for the time I had ALL my time to myself and feeling stuck

Leads to desire for freedom to date others

leads resentment when I’m with them 

leads to wanting to break up 

leads to disaster 

So, cut out the middlemen it all leads to disaster. Even if it starts out really awesome. I am just going to go on this one date. I will probably not to go on a second date even if the date goes well. But I am just going to enjoy my time with him because I find him super hot

Avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment?

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, pinkpaw said:

Avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment?

^^Something to consider?  Avoidants are notorious for overthinking in the extreme, jumping in head first, getting too involved too fast. Then feeling engulfed, suffocated, bored, turned off, then bailing.  

ss, it's one date!  Slow down.  Establish boundaries.  There is no reason to be spending every day with a new person, getting inextricably enmeshed in their life, thinking about marriage?  

You've got the whole thing mapped out and you haven't even had the date yet!  Lol

Can you try to relax and take it all one day at a time?  Enjoy the journey? 

Anyway, have fun let us know how it goes!

 

[Miss Spider]

Thank you, all. When I started the thread, I was much more fearful about dating than I am now.  But I had just got out of my last of 5 relationships in a row where I really hurt the person a lot. The reason I’m doubtful I’m avoidant is because wanting  to be single when I’m in a relationship isn’t just a coping mechanism to avoid intimacy. I quite like intimacy and that’s one of the biggest reasons that I date. The issue is that after a couple months usually I get bored and tired of dating and want to revert back to being uncommitted and having all my free time to myself completely. It’s just very peaceful for me to not be obligated to deal with somebody.  I never had a detached parent or anything like that (  sorry if that is oversimplified, but I don’t know much about it)

I had a quick (2hr) date tonight with a person I initially met irl but then we matched on app. I would now describe my interest in this person as lukewarm. I was more excited before the date because they were physically attractive . We talked a lot about physics since they’re in that field. They are attractive. They’re smart: But something just missing for me. Can’t put my finger on it. I think it might be that I don’t think we share a sense of humor which is a big nope for me. They’re kind of dry and sciencey. They are interested in meeting again, but I didn’t really have enough fun tonight to go again. Their attractiveness level really does not make up for their shortcomings.  Oh well. On to the next date. But that might be a minute because I had taken my profile down a couple days ago 
 

 

Anyways, thank you

Edited November 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. Meeting is to get a sense of chemistry, which can't be done with pics and texts. Was this a man or woman?

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

The reason I’m doubtful I’m avoidant is because wanting  to be single when I’m in a relationship isn’t just a coping mechanism to avoid intimacy. I quite like intimacy and that’s one of the biggest reasons that I date. The issue is that after a couple months usually I get bored and tired of dating and want to revert back to being uncommitted and having all my free time to myself completely. It’s just very peaceful for me to not be obligated to deal with somebody.  

^^I understand, one of my brothers is exactly the same.  Like exactly!  He's in early 40s, now.   He enjoys romance and intimacy as well, craves it and envious of couples who have it.

But sadly (for him since he has a desire for these things) is unable to maintain a relationship/intimacy for the same reasons you cite above. 

So he dates and dates, I've witnessed him in love, estatically happy, and then suddenly it's over.  His reasons?  He's bored, feels "boxed in," tied down, would rather be single.  

My brother is in therapy and "diagnosed" as anxious-avoidant.  He has researched it and acknowledges this as well.   He probably always will be but understanding his own anxieties and fears allows him to manage his anxieties so as to not hurt others - the women he dates.

One thing he's learned is that he possibly could have a sustaining relationship without feeling bored and turned off --  with another avoidant.  Or just an extremely independent woman.

Someone who needed as much "space" as he (emotional and physical), who challenged him, mentally stimulated him, someone with whom he felt no pressure whatsoever.  

Problem is, he is not attracted to women like this, he's attracted to needy women who want to "eat him up."   

And he loves it at first!  Like you ss, he gets involved very fast, becomes enmeshed, once or twice has gotten engaged within weeks!!

Then, just like that, in one case the very next day after getting engaged, he's overthinking and sort of freaking.  And that's it.  The beginning of the end.

He's happy now being single.   He casually dates and is honest with the women.   He has yet to find (or become attracted to) a woman who doesn't want to "eat him for dinner" (his words) but he carries on as best he can.

Maybe you should meet him! 🤣. He's tall (6'3"), works out twice a day (he's a recovering alcoholic and replaced one addiction with another), blonde/brown hair, extremely good looking, moody and brooding but not in a negative way if you understand it.   Has a great career (a firefighter) and quite artistic.  

Anyway, that's my story about my lovely but sad older brother.  Love him to death!  ❤️

 

 

 

Edited November 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

^^I understand, one of my brothers is exactly the same.  Like exactly!  He's in early 40s, now.   He enjoys romance and intimacy as well, craves it and envious of couples who have it.

But sadly (for him since he has a desire for these things) is unable to maintain a relationship/intimacy for the same reasons you cite above. 

So he dates and dates, I've witnessed him in love, estatically happy, and then suddenly it's over.  His reasons?  He's bored, feels "boxed in," tied down, would rather be single.  

My brother is in therapy and "diagnosed" as anxious-avoidant.  He has researched it and acknowledges this as well.   He probably always will be but understanding his own anxieties and fears allows him to manage his anxieties so as to not hurt others - the women he dates.

One thing he's learned is that he possibly could have a sustaining relationship without feeling bored and turned off --  with another avoidant.  Or just an extremely independent woman.

Someone who needed as much "space" as he (emotional and physical), who challenged him, mentally stimulated him, someone with whom he felt no pressure whatsoever.  

Problem is, he is not attracted to women like this, he's attracted to needy women who want to "eat him up."   

And he loves it at first!  Like you ss, he gets involved very fast, becomes enmeshed, once or twice has gotten engaged within weeks!!

Then, just like that, in one case the very next day after getting engaged, he's overthinking and sort of freaking.  And that's it.  The beginning of the end.

He's happy now being single.   He casually dates and is honest with the women.   He has yet to find (or become attracted to) a woman who doesn't want to "eat him for dinner" (his words) but he carries on as best he can.

Maybe you should meet him! 🤣. He's tall (6'3"), works out twice a day (he's a recovering alcoholic and replaced one addiction with another), blonde/brown hair, extremely good looking, moody and brooding but not in a negative way if you understand it.   Has a great career (a firefighter) and quite artistic.  

Anyway, that's my story about my lovely but sad older brother.  Love him to death!  ❤️

 

 

 

Poppy hi. Thank you so much for taking the time to try to help/advise me. You are a great asset to loveshack. 
 

Anyway, I am sorry your brother is dealing with that issue. I don’t know if we have they same issue. We might . 

It might just be manifesting differently. I have given this a lot of thought when I was in my last relationship. The key differences I see with him and I and what you are describing is that I do not really long for a long term romantic relationship. I do not like the part where you are in a long-term situation. And with couples who are in one, I do not envy them, but actually feel a bit sorry for them. But lately I have just been excepting that they might be extremely happy in the relationship, they are just different than me. 

 

I do long for intimacy and romantic connection. I get my intimacy needs the best met in the short term relationships. I feel like the first months of the relationship are the most fun and most fulfilling. 
 

Another difference is that I do not like the needy people. It actually repels me quite a bit .

I have thought about what you have said before. About just needing someone who matches your relationship needs/needs as much “space”. I still think I would have issues, because it’s not just a matter of me needing ‘alone time’ to recharge. It’s more about not really wanting to compromise on anything, including this alone time . It would be impossible to find someone who would be okay with everything being my way. They might do it to stay in the relationship, but that does not mean that they would be OK with it  And like your brother, I do not think I would want to be with someone like this anyway.  An example would be my ex. He needed me to accompany him for an event and I did not want to go, but I went because I knew that if I did not go he would be very disappointed inside. You can apply that to any situation where they need me and I do not want to be with them.

This makes it sound like I am really rigid, but I am not. I just feel better not being in the confines of that responsibility. I like to be fully free. And when my needs  are best met/I have the most fun  with short term relationships anyway (when the compromise is most worth it to me), why would I compromise to be in a long-term relationship? 

And I think you could also apply it if they needed as much “space” as I needed.  It might be more rare, but if they are in a relationship with me, would still need me at some point. In addition to that problem, I can see more problems with dating someone like me.  I’m not sure my intimacy needs could still be met by them.  When I needed them, they wouldn’t want to be there. Another thing is that although  it might take longer to get there because less time together,  I would probably stop become bored and unstimulated in the rship. 
 

I think it is helpful to say that I have not really had a chance to play the field either. Which I think is where my wandering eye in stems. Like Mark said, I got swept up into five relationships without really having a time to casual date. That is because when I really like someone, I find it hard to say “okay casual is all we are going to be.” I don’t want to lose them or make them feel like they aren’t important to me. At the beginning, I have a lot of fun and they make me happy. 
 

Anyway, I hope your brother it all out works out and finds happiness.  

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. Meeting is to get a sense of chemistry, which can't be done with pics and texts. Was this a man or woman?

Good catch. He is a dude. . I have noticed I have been picking up this habit of calling guys “they” . My mom called me out on it as well. I am hiding dating from my parents. They always wants to meet them or find out more etc so it’s just easier to not gender them so she assumes I might mean a female friend. 

Edited November 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

Accepting. 
sorry, I am using voice to text . 

To be clear, my problem is about the expectations of others and how to manage those expectations, not what I want. It would be much easier if I just wanted hook ups with any Joe Schmo. But I do not. I like intimacy,/emotional connection with someone. I like that closeness with a new person . It is in the case where I  click with someone and I like spending time with them and  they want more closeness that the problem occurs . 
 

I have realized never had desires for what we associate with long term relationships. Growing together, building a future with someone, having extreme familiarity. 

 

I can’t think of them all, but there are a lot of positive things we  associate  with long-term relationships. I see all these things as positive, but  I just don’t feel any particular want  for them. So it only makes sense that I do not want to give up my freedoms and  the things that I do want for them

 

 

Edited November 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Good catch. He is a dude. . I have noticed I have been picking up this habit of calling guys “they”. My mom called me out on it as well. I am hiding dating from my parents. They always wants to meet them or find out more etc so it’s just easier to not gender them so she assumes I might mean a female friend. 

Either way, no in person chemistry to you can next "them" 😂

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Poppy hi. Thank you so much for taking the time to try to help/advise me. You are a great asset to loveshack. 
 

Anyway, I am sorry your brother is dealing with that issue. I don’t know if we have they same issue. We might . 

It might just be manifesting differently. I have given this a lot of thought when I was in my last relationship. The key differences I see with him and I and what you are describing is that I do not really long for a long term romantic relationship. I do not like the part where you are in a long-term situation. And with couples who are in one, I do not envy them, but actually feel a bit sorry for them. But lately I have just been excepting that they might be extremely happy in the relationship, they are just different than me. 

 

I do long for intimacy and romantic connection. I get my intimacy needs the best met in the short term relationships. I feel like the first months of the relationship are the most fun and most fulfilling. 
 

Another difference is that I do not like the needy people. It actually repels me quite a bit .

I have thought about what you have said before. About just needing someone who matches your relationship needs/needs as much “space”. I still think I would have issues, because it’s not just a matter of me needing ‘alone time’ to recharge. It’s more about not really wanting to compromise on anything, including this alone time . It would be impossible to find someone who would be okay with everything being my way. They might do it to stay in the relationship, but that does not mean that they would be OK with it  And like your brother, I do not think I would want to be with someone like this anyway.  An example would be my ex. He needed me to accompany him for an event and I did not want to go, but I went because I knew that if I did not go he would be very disappointed inside. You can apply that to any situation where they need me and I do not want to be with them.

This makes it sound like I am really rigid, but I am not. I just feel better not being in the confines of that responsibility. I like to be fully free. And when my needs  are best met/I have the most fun  with short term relationships anyway (when the compromise is most worth it to me), why would I compromise to be in a long-term relationship? 

And I think you could also apply it if they needed as much “space” as I needed.  It might be more rare, but if they are in a relationship with me, would still need me at some point. In addition to that problem, I can see more problems with dating someone like me.  I’m not sure my intimacy needs could still be met by them.  When I needed them, they wouldn’t want to be there. Another thing is that although  it might take longer to get there because less time together,  I would probably stop become bored and unstimulated in the rship. 
 

I think it is helpful to say that I have not really had a chance to play the field either. Which I think is where my wandering eye in stems. Like Mark said, I got swept up into five relationships without really having a time to casual date. That is because when I really like someone, I find it hard to say “okay casual is all we are going to be.” I don’t want to lose them or make them feel like they aren’t important to me. At the beginning, I have a lot of fun and they make me happy. 
 

Anyway, I hope your brother it all out works out and finds happiness.  

Good catch. He is a dude. . I have noticed I have been picking up this habit of calling guys “they” . My mom called me out on it as well. I am hiding dating from my parents. They always wants to meet them or find out more etc so it’s just easier to not gender them so she assumes I might mean a female friend. 

First off, thank you for your kind words, means A LOT!  Especially coming from you.  

So having read your post, you may not be an avoidant, anxious or otherwise, you are simply someone who has no desire for an exclusive long term relationship, which is different from fearing it or feeling anxious about it.  Which is what my brother is on a deep level that only within the last few years has he realized.

I would like to address the bold paragraph though. You wrote:

>>He needed me to accompany him for an event and I did not want to go, but I went because I knew that if I did not go he would be very disappointed inside. You can apply that to any situation where they need me and I do not want to be with them.<<

So here's the thing.  It's admirable that you went, despite not wanting to go, however, there are men out there who, despite being disappointed, would understand and be cool with it.

In our relationship, there are certain events and even family gatherings that I have not wanted to attend, and guess what, I don't!    Same for my fiance.   I am a huge introvert and sometimes I just don't feel like going!  He is also an introvert, and feels the same.

Sure he's disappointed, as I am disappointed when he doesn't feel like going, but we understand each other's needs so it has never presented an issue.

shortskirts, here's the thing about commitment, at least the way I view it.  Every couple defines commitment for themselves, whatever works for them as a couple.

Some people might have an issue with their partner not wanting to attend an event, some people might have an issue with their partner wanting a weekend to themselves, some people might have an issue with their partner taking a short vacay without them, etc etc etc.

My fiancé and I DON'T have an issue with any of these things because again we understand each other, so it's all good!  We define commitment for ourselves, what works for us as a couple.  May not be the same as how another couples defines it, but it works for us.

Using my brother as an example, he doesn't understand this.  He hears the word "commitment" and he literally freaks.  Panics.  Has heart palpitations.  Seriously.  I have seen him literally break out in a cold sweat once a woman he is dating asks for commitment.

What I have tried to explain to him is that "commitment" can mean so many things.  It's up to the couple to define it for themselves as a couple.

Anyway, I am totally babbling here so I will stop.  lol

shortskirts, I've said this before but you have a great heart, you are kind and empathetic.  You care about people.

Reading the above, I think you're fine, more than fine.  You seem extremely self-aware.  If you don't want a long term relationship, that is certainly your right, you gotta do what's best and right for YOU!

 

 

 

Edited November 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

34 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

First off, thank you for your kind words, means A LOT!  Especially coming from you.  

So having read your post, you may not be an avoidant, anxious or otherwise, you are simply someone who has no desire for an exclusive long term relationship, which is different from fearing it or feeling anxious about it.  Which is what my brother is on a deep level that only within the last few years has he realized.

I would like to address the bold paragraph though. You wrote:

>>He needed me to accompany him for an event and I did not want to go, but I went because I knew that if I did not go he would be very disappointed inside. You can apply that to any situation where they need me and I do not want to be with them.<<

So here's the thing.  It's admirable that you went, despite not wanting to go, however, there are men out there who, despite being disappointed, would understand and be cool with it.

In our relationship, there are certain events and even family gatherings that I have not wanted to attend, and guess what, I don't!    Same for him.  I am a huge introvert and sometimes I just don't feel like going!  He is also an introvert, and feels the same.

Sure he's disappointed, as I am disappointed when he doesn't feel like going, but we understand each other's needs so it has never presented an issue.

shortskirts, here's the thing about commitment, at least the way I view it.  Every couple defines commitment for themselves, whatever works for them as a couple.

Some people might have an issue with their partner not wanting to attend an event, some people might have an issue with their partner wanting a weekend to themselves, some people might have an issue with their partner taking a short vacay without them, etc etc etc.

My fiancé and I DON'T have an issue with any of these things because again we understand each other, so it's all good!  We define commitment for ourselves, what works for us as a couple.  May not be the same as how another couples defines it, but it works for us.

Using my brother as an example, he doesn't understand this.  He hears the word "commitment" and he literally freaks.  Panics.  Has heart palpitations.  Seriously.  I have seen him literally break out in a cold sweat once a woman he is dating asks for commitment.

What I have tried to explain to him is that "commitment" can mean so many things.  It's up to the couple to define it for themselves as a couple.

Anyway, I am totally babbling here so I will stop.  lol

shortskirts, I've said this before but you have a great heart, you are kind and empathetic.  You care about people.

Reading the above, I think you're fine, more than fine.  You seem extremely self-aware.  If you don't want a long term relationship, that is certainly your right, you gotta do what's best and right for YOU!

 

 

 

See that’s the thing. I guess what I mean is that although couples each have their own definition of commitment, there IS a commitment. Relationships with no commitments at all would not really be much of a relationship. You certainly could not depend on that person. I’m sure you would agree?

 

Where as if you were just dating, not only are the expectations much looser, they are sometimes not even expected at all. 

So, that was just one example. He did not even say that he would be disappointed by me not going. I just used basic logic. He wanted me to go because I was his gf and he asked me to go and even if it was not a big deal to him, but I would have felt that I disappointed him even in that little way by not going because he wanted me to. 
 

The the event was one of many examples. Let’s say you just don’t feel like having sex for a few weeks and they want it. Not saying they will be even mad at you, but there are expectations in relationships  . You have to be something for that person and within the confines of whatever implicit or explicit agreements you have made. And when I prefer that to have intimacy needs met by a person that  is new  and we are both excited about each other and learning more, I’d rather spend my free time in that way.  At least that has been my experience. 
 

but yes, thank you. I have to just be very careful about not letting things get too far or hurting anyone. That has been a huge source of stress for me. Detaching when things get too far in. It’s not just them that hurts. I miss them too. Oh well I will cross that bridge when I get there

Edited November 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

Also, thank you for the compliment, poppy. You are so kind

[poppyfields]

49 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

See that’s the thing. I guess what I mean is that although couples each have their own definition of commitment, there IS a commitment. Relationships with no commitments at all would not really be much of a relationship. You certainly could not depend on that person. I’m sure you would agree?

 

Where as if you were just dating, not only are the expectations much looser, they are sometimes not even expected at all. 

So, that was just one example. He did not even say that he would be disappointed by me not going. I just used basic logic. He wanted me to go because I was his gf and he asked me to go and even if it was not a big deal to him, but I would have felt that I disappointed him even in that little way by not going because he wanted me to. 
 

The the event was one of many examples. Let’s say you just don’t feel like having sex for a few weeks and they want it. Not saying they will be even mad at you, but there are expectations in relationships  . You have to be something for that person and within the confines of whatever implicit or explicit agreements you have made. And when I prefer that to have intimacy needs met by a person that  is new  and we are both excited about each other and learning more, I’d rather spend my free time in that way.  At least that has been my experience. 
 

but yes, thank you. I have to just be very careful about not letting things get too far or hurting anyone. That has been a huge source of stress for me. Detaching when things get too far in. It’s not just them that hurts. I miss them too. Oh well I will cross that bridge when I get there

Tnx for further clarifying, I totally get it.  And you're right about expectations, there are certain expectations, that's a given.  No matter how loosely a couple defines commitment.

Again, you have to do what's best for you.  It's your life, no right or wrong.  

I vow to never even hint that you might be an avoidant or that you need therapy ever again!  You do quite well figuring this stuff out on your own!

Better than I that's for sure! 🤣

 

[FMW]

15 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Again, you have to do what's best for you.  It's your life, no right or wrong.  

The problem shortskirtslonglashes seems to have is she gets upset and bewildered that she keeps hurting other people.  So in that sense, there is a right and wrong when it comes to actually interacting with someone else.  

I need lots of space in a relationship, so I absolutely understand that.  But what doesn't fit with that is moving in together and saying yes to getting engaged early on as it seems happened in the most recent relationship she had.  That makes no sense whatsoever to me, I would run screaming from either situation, much less both.  

There's a whole lot of ground between having a limit of a few dates and moving on and moving in/getting engaged.  

17 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Detaching when things get too far in.

If you go along with the high intensity (for example agreeing to live together and get engaged early on), then of course the other person is going to be hurt when you detach and bail because they believed you were committed.  If you take things slower (no matter how much they try to speed things up) it's much less likely to end with the other person being hurt and feeling bad about themselves.

As far as limiting yourself to only a few dates per person, I don't really see that as being a viable solution either, for reasons discussed by others.

If you take your time and only keep going with someone with whom you share similar expectations about what being together means, those issues of disappointing the other person work themselves out early on.  Of course you're not going to get the fast-paced intensity that burns really hot and then goes cold just as quickly. 

We all disappoint others at times, but as you've seen, trying to avoid the disappointment from the very beginning results in a larger disappointment (and hurt) in the end.  Learning to say no when we need to and being honest from the very beginning is how relationships develop over time.  I know that a longer lasting relationship isn't what you want, at least now, but it's something to keep in mind.   

[Trail Blazer]

On 11/9/2020 at 11:42 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Can someone please stop me?

I told myself I wouldn’t date because I know what happens when I date. It always ends in disaster and I am pushed to the brink by it. But I can’t help but want to date. I’m so bored. It’s fun. I just I have so much fun dating and I cannot stop.

I like the dating stage. I like the potential and giddiness.And with my quest to find some new friends not working out that well for me, it’s not a surprise I kind of want to go back to something that does

I know it’s a bad idea.  I think I have an idea to not get in too deep. I will go on a maximum of three dates with anyone. That way it’s completely still acceptable to say that it isn’t going to work out and no one‘s feelings are that hurt. 
please can someone just tell me this is a bad idea for me right now, because it doesn’t seem like a bad idea at all 
 

 

Nobody can "stop" you, only you can stop yourself.  I'm not going to try and guilt you into doing something, but I am going to tell you that your motives for dating are utterly self-centered.

Sure, I get it.  The excitement of new love energy is seemingly intoxicating for you.  You're bored and get off on the ego boost you get with a bunch of guys chasing after you.

Look, unless you plan on being honest with the guys you're dating by telling them you're not after anything serious, then all you'll be doing is transferring the hurt/pain/sadness or whatever you have going on, onto the guy.

You clearly know that what you're after is something of more substance than merely casual dating.  However, you also know that you aren't in the right headspace to date properly and be a decent partner.

There's nothing wrong with casually dating.  There is something wrong with not being honest about it.  I can only assume that you feel guilty because you don't intend to be honest.  Otherwise, why would you wish to be stopped?

Perhaps you need to talk to a professional to help you understand where your head is at emotionally?  You want a nice relationship and therapy of some kind might help your frame of mind which inturn will help you identify more suitable partners with whom to form a relationship.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Nobody can "stop" you, only you can stop yourself.  I'm not going to try and guilt you into doing something, but I am going to tell you that your motives for dating are utterly self-centered.

Sure, I get it.  The excitement of new love energy is seemingly intoxicating for you.  You're bored and get off on the ego boost you get with a bunch of guys chasing after you.

Look, unless you plan on being honest with the guys you're dating by telling them you're not after anything serious, then all you'll be doing is transferring the hurt/pain/sadness or whatever you have going on, onto the guy.

You clearly know that what you're after is something of more substance than merely casual dating.  However, you also know that you aren't in the right headspace to date properly and be a decent partner.

There's nothing wrong with casually dating.  There is something wrong with not being honest about it.  I can only assume that you feel guilty because you don't intend to be honest.  Otherwise, why would you wish to be stopped?

Perhaps you need to talk to a professional to help you understand where your head is at emotionally?  You want a nice relationship and therapy of some kind might help your frame of mind which inturn will help you identify more suitable partners with whom to form a relationship.

Hey TB.  I don't agree with all of this, which I don't have time to get into now, however some fair points.  One of which is the two conflicting statements:

>> it's bad idea.  

>> it doesn’t seem like a bad idea at all.

Hadn't caught that earlier but does suggest some sort of internal conflict shortskirts may be experiencing. 

Versus self-centeredness or needing an ego boost like you suggested.  I don't believe that's what's happening at all and I base this on all her posts not just this thread.  And the advice she gives to others.   I could be wrong.

Not sure if shortskirts will return but if she does, hopefully she can reconcile those two conflicting statements for us.

 

 

 

Edited November 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

On 11/9/2020 at 8:12 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

Quote

I know it’s a bad idea.  I think I have an idea to not get in too deep. I will go on a maximum of three dates with anyone. That way it’s completely still acceptable to say that it isn’t going to work out and no one‘s feelings are that hurt. 
please can someone just tell me this is a bad idea for me right now, because it doesn’t seem like a bad idea at all 
 

 

Bad idea for me to date unless I date very short term. I feel like that stops it from being such a bad idea.

Isn’t everyone’s reasons for dating inherently self-centered? Does anyone date and say “I’m doing this for the other person?” An altruistic dater sounds quite egotistical, actually.
 

It is not like they will not be getting anything out of it. I have always tried to make my dates happy. 

But yes, I do like to be chased by guys I’m into. In fact, I would say I love it. It is a huge motivator for dating. I also enjoy the time spent with guys that I am interested etc. I will also admit that yes I intend to omit the truth a little bit. There is a little bit of a moral struggle there. However, I feel like a lot of choices we make are about finding that balance between what makes us happy and not harming others too much. 

Edited November 21, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

Bad idea for me to date unless I date very short term. I feel like that stops it from being such a bad idea.

Isn’t everyone’s reasons for dating inherently self-centered? Does anyone date and say “I’m doing this for the other person?” An altruistic dater sounds quite egotistical, actually.
 

It is not like they will not be getting anything out of it. I have always tried to make my dates happy. 

But yes, I do like to be chased by guys I’m into. In fact, I would say I love it. It is a huge motivator for dating. I also enjoy the time spent with guys that I am interested etc. I will also admit that yes I intend to omit the truth a little bit. There is a little bit of a moral struggle there. However, I feel like a lot of choices we make are about finding that balance between what makes us happy and not harming others too much. 

Thanks for clarifying shortskirts.  You know, the more you post, the more you remind me of someone I used to have a semi-thing for on-line (a guy); his mindset was same as yours.  Like near exact.  At least about dating. 

And I had TONS of respect for him!  Admired him a lot.  I mean the raw honesty even despite getting a bit beatup on these forums (as do you sometimes on your threads).  Yeah, admired him a lot for that and other things.  As I admire you.  

Yeah, at the end of the day, we all (or most) have our own interests at heart.  We do what works for us. 

Is that self-centered?  Well yeah I guess it is!  

Re being chased (pursued?) by a man we like?  Or in your case men, plural, since you date multi?  Heck yeah, I love it too, as I would assume most women. .Even going as far to say I enjoyed that validation (gasp!). 

And tbh, I still enjoy the validation (ego boost?) I receive when some random guy compliments me.  I especially love the validation I receive from my fiance!

Is this wrong?  I don't know, I think it's more human, honest and real than "wrong."  

 

 

 

Edited November 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

finding that balance between what makes us happy and not harming others too much. 

Hey, I love ya Shortskirtslonglashes, but that just sounds wrong. Not harming others too much?  Dating shouldn't involve ANY harm, and not to beat a dead horse, but being honest and straightforward from the beginning goes a really long way to lowering the risk of any harm.

Being ok with just a little bit of harm to others in order to get our own enjoyment and ego needs met is not cool.