26 male, no relationship experience, struggling

[mur15377]

Hi

I'm a male in my mid 20's who's never been in a relationship and would like to be. I've always been a shy, quiet introverted eccentric loner (which I'm ok with), so socialising doesn't come naturally to me. I've also struggled with social anxiety at times and felt inferior socially, especially during school, though I did have a group of friends back then. Growing up most people close to me at one point or another wanted me to be different, or more 'normal', outgoing, extroverted etc. I don't have any close friends at the moment, but I'm ok with that, I like my own company. 

For a lot of my life, I didn't try to form a relationship due to these social struggles, I didn't feel normal or worthy enough for anybody. I did have crushes growing up, but I took no action. Being in a relationship is what 'normal' people did. Eventually a few years ago I got to the point where I examined some lifelong limiting beliefs due to a period of depression related to another issue. I realised that thoughts are just thoughts and as a human being I deserve to experience relationships. 

So that's when I began to see me being in one as a possibility. Since then I've tried online dating, but I very rarely get any matches or responses, even after improving my profile and taking professional shots. I just don't look good in photos. People have complimented me in person about my appearance and some guys at work were even surprised I wasn't in a relationship/seeing any women. I've had a number of women show signs in recent months, though they happened to be a lot older at work, I don't have many opportunities to interact with women around my age. I always thought that I was below average looking, so getting compliments like that did improve my confidence a little.

I've heard things like 'be more social or join a group' which I have done and I'm currently involved with a few activities, but that hasn't helped me. There just isn't many women around my age there. Actually, I met someone last year in a group who I was getting along with and liked, they seemed to like talking to me too, but a few months later they mentioned travelling with their partner to me or something similar, so obviously nothing could be done. But that was a rare opportunity. 

I've spoken to some counsellors about other issues in the past and this has been brought up, but they couldn't help me beyond generic advice. In fact, I've been speaking to coaches in recent months to try and fix this, but I can't seem to execute what they tell me. It's kind of like a driving instructor telling you on skype how to drive, then you having to go drive. Except this is even more difficult, because there's no clear path to my goal.

In recent months I've been told to go to pubs and bars in the city by various people, I have done that to some extent, but most nights I end up overthinking about which one I should go to while sat in the car and also fretting about how I'll manage on my own in a busy place like that, when people are usually with groups. So I end up driving back home. 

On some occassions I went to restaurants/bars on my own after work when it's less busy, but I just ended up buying something expensive and eating on my own. People are usually sat at their own tables. I've also met up with people from a site called meetup to socialise to help with this issue, but again, I was just sat at my table with them. I don't even enjoy most forms of socialising anyway, especially if it involves sitting around a table and talking for hours in a group. But it's a means to an end and I'm willing to compromise.

By the way, I've never actually asked anybody out!

It's quite clear why I'm struggling with this issue, it's to do with my introverted personality and I don't mean that in a negative way. Most people I've met in recent years in various settings have all talked to me about their partners/relationships. So I feel like I'm certainly in a minority when it comes to this.

When it comes to this issue, an extreme example of how it could be fixed always comes to mind. Let's say I was surrounded by women my age for one week, Mon-Sun 24/7, I'm confident I'd be in a relationship by the end of the week. Like I said, extreme example, but I hope you get what I mean. I do think it's an opportunities thing as well, my brain can't seem to generate ideas in the same way a more outgoing person can. I'd describe myself as introverted, analytical, mostly serious and a deep thinker. Sometimes I suspect that I may even be on the spectrum, who knows. I do tend to overthink things a lot.

In the last few weeks, I got desperate and actually had some paid experiences with a few women. On one hand I'm relieved that I did that and experienced something that I never had before, but on the other hand I don't feel that I should be paying for this.

I'd say my goal is to unlock the ability to start relationships, which is more realistic than 'I have to find a life partner and live happily ever after'. I understand that not all relationships work out and there will be problems, that's just life. I want to sign up for the whole experience. 
 

Thanks
 

 

Edited November 9, 2020 by mur15377

[smackie9]

Why didn't you seek out therapy? It's your only answer at this point.

[healing light]

1 hour ago, mur15377 said:

By the way, I've never actually asked anybody out!

Begin here. 

1 hour ago, mur15377 said:

I'd describe myself as introverted, analytical, mostly serious and a deep thinker.

This is my type, so there are women who like reserved men who are more introverted.

1 hour ago, mur15377 said:

In the last few weeks, I got desperate and actually had some paid experiences with a few women.

Hate to say it, this would be a dealbreaker for me. Maybe not for the women you're interested in, but I think there is a good chance it would make most women uncomfortable. So I would try not to... make this a habit. And be sure to get checked at a health clinic over the next six months.

Do you belong to any kind of faith-based organization or book club or other hobby? I know you mentioned activities. I think you would probably be more likely to bond with a quality woman in more intimate settings than a pub or a bar where there is a lot to interfere with conversation if you're not naturally outgoing. Also the social anxiety aspect I feel would be more difficult to manage in a noisy, drunken setting where you don't know anyone.

[mur15377]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Why didn't you seek out therapy? It's your only answer at this point.

I have had therapy/counselling several times in the past, most of it was related to my self esteem and confidence. At one point I was having a consultation for another round of therapy at the same practice, me and the therapist talked about what I wanted to gain, it got to a point where they said I would need to simply accept these limiting beliefs, since they were so fixed in my mind. And I agree, after going through all of the exercises and sessions, I've had to accept and come to terms with with a lot of these thoughts, rather than trying to get rid of them. The best way for me to in some way move past these thoughts would involve proving the thoughts wrong and seeing new evidence. As I said in my original post, in the last few years I was able to question the limiting beliefs and realise that they are just thoughts, that allowed me to believe that this is realistic, which is why I am now trying.

[snowboy91]

I need to play devil's advocate for a second and ask - what do you expect to get out of having a relationship, if you describe yourself as introverted and prefer your own company? 

I ask because: let's say you do end up in a relationship. It's going to take a lot of your time and effort. So I imagine you're going to want to find someone who understands the way you work and is easy for you to connect with (ie. not just anyone). That may give you some insight in to the kind of places you will need to look for a potential partner - if you're shy and introverted, a pub is not the place for you (aside from your own discomfort, those places tend to attract extroverts so your chances of finding someone you will connect with are slimmer). 

Do you think you would find talking at a table less tedious if it was about topics you are interested in? Or if you were actually doing an activity you wanted to do?

[Yosemite]

2 hours ago, mur15377 said:

When it comes to this issue, an extreme example of how it could be fixed always comes to mind. Let's say I was surrounded by women my age for one week, Mon-Sun 24/7, I'm confident I'd be in a relationship by the end of the week.

If this were true you would've gotten in a relationship when you were in school...when you were surrounded by girls your age. Your hormones and physical desires should've overcome any shyness or anti-socialness that you had.

You don't have an understanding of how far behind you are and how much work you need to do...most guys in your situation don't. I don't mean to come across as discouraging, but that's the reality of your situation. It's going to be very hard for you because it sounds like you don't even like to speak or to have conversations. You should look for quiet girls, but for some reason guys with your personality type usually seem to want the outgoing, talkative girl. Idk why.

Going to prostitutes is a deal breaker for most women and it's going to make it even harder for you to motivate yourself to go out, be social, and date when you don't particularly enjoy those things and it's much easier to just go to a prostitute instead.

The older women at your work probably weren't interested in you romantically, they were most likely trying to be nice because you come across as lonely...they didn't know that you prefer to be alone. But, even if you were correct that they were interested in you, it would've been a better idea to pursue a relationship with one of them to get dating and relationship experience than to lose your virginity to a prostitute.

A good first step for you would be to reconnect with the friend group you had in school. You're in a better position than most in your situation...usually adult men who have never dated didn't have any friends growing up. So, go reconnect with your friends and this time take their advice when they encourage you to be social.

[Cookiesandough]

Your post mirrors my situation a few years ago so closely it is somewhat scary. I mean there are some differences, but the introversion, the shyness, the eccentricity, the isolation, the heavy thinking, the relationships/romance being more of a conceptual thing I needed to experience. . 

There really isn’t a clear-cut path for this problem as you said. This isn’t a matter of graduated high school and go to four years of college and you have a job. Interpersonal relationships are complex. It takes practice and you never know how it’s going to pan out. I would say that the suggestions that you have received so far are a very good start. Going places to meet people that you possibly would connect with is good, however if you don’t have the necessary tools to interact with these people in the case of someone shy and introverted. It’s still going to be very challenging. It will feel self-defeating and you will feel discouraged enough to make a post.
 

I would say practice your socialization skills. You can be introverted/loner/eccentric AND a good communicator. You can overcome lack of self confidence. I would definitely work on this. It might take putting yourself into uncomfortable positions and it might take failure. That is the learning process.

After you have improved your social skills, then talk to women. I personally think it’s better to develop some rapport with someone on a more ‘friendly’ level before romantic, which is not something that be accomplished by hitting on women at bars and through dating apps. That is just my personal preference, however. Dating apps may work for you nicely as well. If you know your pictures are not good, fix that. That is a major proponent in online dating. Not that you that you are attractive in the pictures, but that your pictures accurately represent who you are, but in a way that would appeal to someone. You say you are a loner. Does that mean your pics are all selfies alone in your room. 
 

those are just a few thoughts off the top of my head

Edited November 9, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, mur15377 said:

I have had therapy/counselling several times in the past, most of it was related to my self esteem and confidence. At one point I was having a consultation for another round of therapy at the same practice, me and the therapist talked about what I wanted to gain, it got to a point where they said I would need to simply accept these limiting beliefs, since they were so fixed in my mind. And I agree, after going through all of the exercises and sessions, I've had to accept and come to terms with with a lot of these thoughts, rather than trying to get rid of them. The best way for me to in some way move past these thoughts would involve proving the thoughts wrong and seeing new evidence. As I said in my original post, in the last few years I was able to question the limiting beliefs and realize that they are just thoughts, that allowed me to believe that this is realistic, which is why I am now trying.

Exposure therapy will help you. They take you through the actual experience then talk your way through your feelings, and how to step over those triggers of anxiety.... like reprogramming your brain. A good Youtube watch is DR. Amen. He has solutions for anxiety without medication.

[ZA Dater]

My advice to you as someone basically in the same situation to an extent is to NOT let bad experiences get to you, I hate to say this but you are are probably going to have bad ones as everyone else does but try not to get too discouraged.

 

[N2017]

I get that bars and clubs can be awkward, but remember things like Meetup are MADE for people who are trying to socialize! So remember, you're not alone.

I disagree with some people telling you to get therapy on here. I don't know if that's the answer, especially since you've had it before. I do agree with just practicing a little more, and maybe just remembering "what do you have to lose" when you start talking to someone. If they don't like you, then they're just one person of many. Reflect on the conversation and use it to improve. If they do like you, then great!

I am a girl and I don't really think it's a dealbreaker.... I don't want to know too much about it but people have pasts (and sometimes people really just need to get off I guess). 

Overall, you insist you "like your own company" but by just posting this message, I really don't think you do...

[soccerguy1978]

On 11/9/2020 at 12:52 PM, mur15377 said:

Hi

I'm a male in my mid 20's who's never been in a relationship and would like to be. I've always been a shy, quiet introverted eccentric loner (which I'm ok with), so socialising doesn't come naturally to me. I've also struggled with social anxiety at times and felt inferior socially, especially during school, though I did have a group of friends back then. Growing up most people close to me at one point or another wanted me to be different, or more 'normal', outgoing, extroverted etc. I don't have any close friends at the moment, but I'm ok with that, I like my own company. 

For a lot of my life, I didn't try to form a relationship due to these social struggles, I didn't feel normal or worthy enough for anybody. I did have crushes growing up, but I took no action. Being in a relationship is what 'normal' people did. Eventually a few years ago I got to the point where I examined some lifelong limiting beliefs due to a period of depression related to another issue. I realised that thoughts are just thoughts and as a human being I deserve to experience relationships. 

So that's when I began to see me being in one as a possibility. Since then I've tried online dating, but I very rarely get any matches or responses, even after improving my profile and taking professional shots. I just don't look good in photos. People have complimented me in person about my appearance and some guys at work were even surprised I wasn't in a relationship/seeing any women. I've had a number of women show signs in recent months, though they happened to be a lot older at work, I don't have many opportunities to interact with women around my age. I always thought that I was below average looking, so getting compliments like that did improve my confidence a little.

I've heard things like 'be more social or join a group' which I have done and I'm currently involved with a few activities, but that hasn't helped me. There just isn't many women around my age there. Actually, I met someone last year in a group who I was getting along with and liked, they seemed to like talking to me too, but a few months later they mentioned travelling with their partner to me or something similar, so obviously nothing could be done. But that was a rare opportunity. 

I've spoken to some counsellors about other issues in the past and this has been brought up, but they couldn't help me beyond generic advice. In fact, I've been speaking to coaches in recent months to try and fix this, but I can't seem to execute what they tell me. It's kind of like a driving instructor telling you on skype how to drive, then you having to go drive. Except this is even more difficult, because there's no clear path to my goal.

In recent months I've been told to go to pubs and bars in the city by various people, I have done that to some extent, but most nights I end up overthinking about which one I should go to while sat in the car and also fretting about how I'll manage on my own in a busy place like that, when people are usually with groups. So I end up driving back home. 

On some occassions I went to restaurants/bars on my own after work when it's less busy, but I just ended up buying something expensive and eating on my own. People are usually sat at their own tables. I've also met up with people from a site called meetup to socialise to help with this issue, but again, I was just sat at my table with them. I don't even enjoy most forms of socialising anyway, especially if it involves sitting around a table and talking for hours in a group. But it's a means to an end and I'm willing to compromise.

By the way, I've never actually asked anybody out!

It's quite clear why I'm struggling with this issue, it's to do with my introverted personality and I don't mean that in a negative way. Most people I've met in recent years in various settings have all talked to me about their partners/relationships. So I feel like I'm certainly in a minority when it comes to this.

When it comes to this issue, an extreme example of how it could be fixed always comes to mind. Let's say I was surrounded by women my age for one week, Mon-Sun 24/7, I'm confident I'd be in a relationship by the end of the week. Like I said, extreme example, but I hope you get what I mean. I do think it's an opportunities thing as well, my brain can't seem to generate ideas in the same way a more outgoing person can. I'd describe myself as introverted, analytical, mostly serious and a deep thinker. Sometimes I suspect that I may even be on the spectrum, who knows. I do tend to overthink things a lot.

In the last few weeks, I got desperate and actually had some paid experiences with a few women. On one hand I'm relieved that I did that and experienced something that I never had before, but on the other hand I don't feel that I should be paying for this.

I'd say my goal is to unlock the ability to start relationships, which is more realistic than 'I have to find a life partner and live happily ever after'. I understand that not all relationships work out and there will be problems, that's just life. I want to sign up for the whole experience. 
 

Thanks
 

 

I empathize with your situation. I did not go on any kind of date until I was 31. I'm 42, never been in a relationship and can go several years without feeling serious attraction to any female

[SushiX]

Just gotta put yourself out there man and don't be afraid of rejection. It's a numbers game. Good luck to you!