Guys do not want to meet me again after the first date

[miss2017]

Over the past year I have been using online dating apps and had many first meet coffee dates.

They all ended with not hearing from the guy again. Or hearing again for a brief exchange of words and then silence.

Some of them I liked the dates and was even interested in seeing them again.

I got to a point where I don’t even make an effort to get dressed nice or do my hair, etc, I just don’t care anymore.

I go to the dates already expecting not hearing from the guy again. I even came up with the joke ‘so let’s meet in person my next Whatsapp ex’.

Even when the guys are oh so keen to meet me and really excited I feel nothing anymore, because I know they will not want to see me again afterwards.

I am exactly the same in person as I am online and on the phone, personality and looks. All my photos are recent. 

So I don’t get this.

This is taking a toll on my self-esteem, as it makes me feel there’s something so wrong with me or am I so annoying or ugly that a guy doesn’t even want to see me a second time?

I am thinking giving up on OLD and just let the Universe decide to match me with the right person whenever.

Is this common to happen on OLD, have a string of first dates only? I’m really getting sick and tired of this.

 

 

Edited November 9, 2020 by miss2017

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I got to a point where I don’t even make an effort to get dressed nice or do my hair, etc, I just don’t care anymore.

I go to the dates already expecting not hearing from the guy again. I even came up with the joke ‘so let’s meet in person my next Whatsapp ex’.

Even when the guys are oh so keen to meet me and really excited I feel nothing anymore, because I know they will not want to see me again afterwards.

Take a break.  OLD is tough at the best of times, but if this is how you're now presenting, there is zero hope of a positive outcome. 

[MrPlop]

You got to be saying or doing something to turn so many guys off or so you imply. What are the dates like? what places you usually go to and what topics are being discussed? Are you only matching with the one night stand dudes? You saying you're putting no effort in appearance, that's a no-no for men. You don't have to be a Victoria Secret model but men want to see good hygiene mostly. And in regards to procrastination: "Whether You Think You can or Think You Can't, You're Right" - Henry Ford.

[miss2017]

7 minutes ago, MrPlop said:

You got to be saying or doing something to turn so many guys off or so you imply. What are the dates like? what places you usually go to and what topics are being discussed? Are you only matching with the one night stand dudes? You saying you're putting no effort in appearance, that's a no-no for men. You don't have to be a Victoria Secret model but men want to see good hygiene mostly. And in regards to procrastination: "Whether You Think You can or Think You Can't, You're Right" - Henry Ford.

OMG are you joking about hygiene!? 

I didn’t say I go all dirty to a date and stink!

What I meant is before I would do my hair, my makeup, put on nice clothes, etc. Now, I just go as I am, which is still clean and nice but none of the whole production thing. 

We usually go to a beach coffee bar or some other nice place we can talk. Topics being discussed are life goals, relationship goals, etc. Normal stuff to get to know someone.

I am actually really nice on a first date and don’t say anything to scare anyone away. 

Edited November 9, 2020 by miss2017

[kismetkismet]

I agree you should take a break. At this point you're going into every date with a defeatist attitude and people can pick up on that. Take a break, work on yourself - get into your hobbies, exercise, work etc.. Maybe even go shopping for some new clothes. I always found that I did the best dating-wise when I was "feelin myself" lol. ie feeling really confident and invested in/excited about my own life. 

I would try different dates as well, go for drinks and play pool/darts, go for hikes or scenic walks, something fun that brings out your most engaging side. Sometimes people are just going on so many first dates that it needs to really stand out. Coffee dates can get a bit dull, cycling through all the same small talk over and over.

[kendahke]

There's nothing wrong with you.

You have to stomp a lot of toads in online dating.

I'd still make an effort--if for no other reason than you are worth the effort... and a better guy than the one who won't arse himself may see you and approach you after you've thrown the dud back into the cesspool.

[MrPlop]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

OMG are you joking about hygiene!? 

I didn’t say I go all dirty to a date and stink!

What I meant is before I would do my hair, my makeup, put on nice clothes, etc. Now, I just go as I am, which is still clean and nice but none of the whole production thing. 

We usually go to a beach coffee bar or some other nice place we can talk. Topics being discussed are life goals, relationship goals, etc. Normal stuff to get to know someone.

I am actually really nice on a first date and don’t say anything to scare anyone away. 

Well I'm sorry, I just assumed the worst case scenario, you'd be surprised trust me. I'd agree on taking a break and picking up a hobby. There's nothing wrong with giving yourself 100% of your time.

[Goodguy05]

I'll tell you exactly what it is its online dating it doesn't work same here and hear many similar tales that's where the term ghosting came from they suck 

[Cookiesandough]

You need a brutally honest friend to give you some pointers

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ami1uwant]

Some questions....

 

1. How much do you look like in person to how you appear online.  I’m not talking of the stories of entirely fake profiles or people lying about their age.  I’ve met peop,e who look very different from thrir appearance like in their hair style or choice of clothing from their profile pics.  I’ve met women who just has too much makeup on.  In your case , you not wearing make up might make you look10+ yrs older.

2.  How are you on the date in interaction. Are you reserved or outgoing? How you think you are carrying yourself might be very different from the perspective of who you are dating.

 

3. A problrm thst has ocvured the last 10+ yrs by women on dates.  Men will sai I have no problem hiring her for work because she seems smart and a go getter. But this doesn’t come off well in a date.

 

4. Who are you dating. Are these people in your league on looks or socioeconomic class.  A doctor isn’t dating a store clerk unless they are the hottest thing.

 

5. You could be dating the wrong people.  It could be you come off as artsy but that turns him off.  Or you might have mentioned about maybe changing careers.

[Ami1uwant]

5.  Could you be dating the right people? What I mean is if you could come off as very artsy which doesn’t fit his interest

 

6. You could be at different points of life.  Like you two live on opposite sides of a metro areasnd you just bought a house which says you are staying there the next 5 yrs. if he doesn’t want to live in that area of town he says don’t bother.    You could be say in mid 30s and wanting kids. He’s 40 had kids in early 20s so doesn’t want kids now.

[MsJayne]

You may be frightening them off by appearing too confident, capable, and intelligent. This is actually a thing because a lot of men seem to like women to be at least a little bit helpless, and plenty of men prefer a woman who won't challenge them in any way, especially not intellectually.  Personally I find helpless women to be stomach-turning, (because you know they're faking it and just pandering to male egos), but it works if you're desperate enough to stoop to it. Also a lot of OLD members are just looking for one night stands, so those people who are actually honest about looking for a relationship send these people scurrying back under their rock. There's a lot of dregs on OLD, just like in real life, but you just meet more of them than in real life because with OLD dates are much easier to get because of the smorgasbord nature of it. 

[Cookiesandough]

^ wow, I  disagree, MsJane.

 

It has been my experience that men have no problem with confident, intelligent women. Note that this is distinct from know-it-all ball-busters. Also, there is nothing wrong with weakness or being a little more vulnerable at times. It is not necessarily a bad thing or fake at all. I don’t think that you should ever fake it to be less intelligent and self assured,  OP. You will not find the right guy that way 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[CLS63AMG]

"All my pics are recent" - don't tell me these are all head shots and nothing showing the body, because that's the problem if such is the case.  Its so bad out there for that I straight up will not meet the girl unless she has a recent full body pic. 

If you have a variety of photos then I am going to say you aren't matching up to them in person, too done up in them, too many filters, angles, BS.  Just take some real, normal, photos and you'll meet men that actually want to meet YOU.

Edited November 10, 2020 by CLS63AMG

[Cookiesandough]

7 minutes ago, CLS63AMG said:

"All my pics are recent" - don't tell me these are all head shots and nothing showing the body, because that's the problem if such is the case.  Its so bad out there for that I straight up will not meet the girl unless she has a recent full body pic. 

If you have a variety of photos then I am going to say you aren't matching up to them in person, too done up in them, too many filters, angles, BS.  Just take some real, normal, photos and you'll meet men that actually want to meet YOU.

I would say this too if I had to guess. . You do not actually look like your photos(?) I know a great many people who do not. Especially if they go hard on filters or angles. It is best to accurately represent yourself or even choose pictures that are a little bit average.  If you consistently are seeing that men are attracted to you online but then not in person, that would be my best guess

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

It think it's unfair to say that men want a woman who's less intelligent/helpless.   Rather, they probably want someone who's got similar interests and discussion points.   No matter what the gender, what's the attraction to someone who operates on a whole different plane to us?

 

 

[Chilli]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

 

 

Ha , l agree with shortskirts and basil. lt's nothing to do with what ms jane and so many others seem to think about these things and as basil saying , l love a smart women , so do any men l know.   lt's about personality though and some women just have off personalities and temperament AND , that stands out like tits on a bull from 100 meters to most guys and that right there, is the main way things like that might bother a guy  - their personality , their ways . 

Not that l'm saying that's your thing op . you actually sound quite nice to me and l'm sorry things havev't been panning out. How old are you if you don't mind me asking and the guys you meet. l'd be wondering about photos too l mean they sound great that's all you need just everyday natural stuff but yeah are there any full shots. Not saying you but women really don't do themselves any favors with all these head shots only a lot of them use he's gotta know the reality of whom he's meeting.  Apart from those though as l usually tell people be selective don't burn yourselves out on nothing people your not even suited too , try to find people you really feel something and see things for you both and choose them. lt means a lot less dates but hopefully a lot better result. Do you talk on the phone before or?  ,  that'll cut out a lot to bc most people we really just don't click with so phone calls will bring that out . l know people round here are usually against phone calls but back in the day they were a god sent for me and saved me a whole lot of trouble.

 

 

 

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Chilli

[poppyfields]

I'm just gonna say it cause I'm thinking it, so why the hell not.  🤣

It's possible that, in person, you don't give off enough of a sexual vibe, or feminine sexual energy that would cause men to think, "man I'd like to fu*k her"!

Yes I know this is crude, but when a man first meets a woman, these are his thoughts in 99.9% of the cases, even when he is seeking a relationship!  

So OLD may not be right for you, since many if not most of those guys are looking for a sexual woman to have sex with.  If not that night, then eventually.

I have a friend like this, attractive girl but lacking a certain sexual energy/vibe.  And rarely got asked for a second date because of it. 

She's married now but met her husband at singles event, where they became friends, and it sort of grew from there.

Most men who on line date aren't looking for friends and won't even entertain the possibility.  

First meet = they either want to f**k you or they don't.  They don't?  It's next. 

They will never admit to this.  I take that back!  My fiance did but that was months into our relationship.

I apologize if this post offended anyone!  But believe there may be at least some validity to this. 

 

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mrin]

@poppyfields dude here. This is so true and thank you for saying it. I can think of only one time where I didn't have the feeling on a first date and ended up giving it a second shot. Every other time it was a pass. That being said - the one I took out a second time turned into a five year relationship with sexual tension that would cause lights to dim even years later. Ha! Even when we just meet up as friends now that the relationship is over. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Mrin

[LouSifa]

Wow at least you get that. I am a man and I signed up for every dating and hook up site known from A-Z...adult friend finder, tinder etc and didn’t get one single match. Bots and keyloggers yes, a gay dude in a dress looking for BBD; but no real females. Usually these things happen when you stop looking. It happened for me, got my “happy ending” not the parlor kind...but then I realized; I’m cursed and I can never be happy. 😖Hope you find who or what you’re looking for.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, miss2017 said:

I don’t even make an effort to get dressed nice or do my hair, etc, I just don’t care anymore.

I even came up with the joke ‘so let’s meet in person my next Whatsapp ex’

Sorry to hear that. Don't beat yourself up too much. Unfortunately one-and-done meets and ghosting are the norm.

You seem quite burned out and unfortunately that becomes a self exacerbating problem.

For example, snarky  very unfunny turn offs like "my next WhatsApp ex" or sabotaging yourself by showing up indifferently like a slob, expecting failure.

Sadly you're so burned out you're creating self-fulfilling prophecies of guaranteed failure.

The first thing to do is get on more exclusive better quality (paid) dating apps with an upbeat profile and good pics.

Then use better selection and screening criteria.

Message a couple of times, set up a meet, act enthused and decide there and then if you want to continue.

Do not prolong chitchat with people who won't meet in a timely fashion. Just cut them off and move on.

[Weezy1973]

OP when you say you’ve had many first dates, how many is that? Also, how many first dates happened where you weren’t interested in a second date vs. where you were interested and the guy wasn’t? 
 

I know from my experience there were more first dates where I wasn’t interested in a second date than when I was, and of those a lot of the time the woman wasn’t interested in a second date. So if you’re just counting the dates where you were interested and the guy wasn’t, and excluding the times you weren’t interested, but the guy may have been, it would paint a fairly normal online dating experience.

 

However if it’s literally none of the guys are interested, then yes most likely your pics aren’t an accurate representation of what you look like.

[Fletch Lives]

Maybe videochat with a dating coach and see if there's anything you can improve?

[Mystery4me]

90% sure it's because they are not attracted to you.

[smackie9]

It's always been a competitive world out there. You need to keep up your appearance (Please don't give up), .... you also need to present well in your mannerisms, body language, smile/ strong eye contact, topic of conversation, positive outlook, confidence, charm, flirtation, etc.

You want to get serious? I agree with Fletch, a dating coach is what you might need. Maybe there is something they can correct for you, and get you on your way to second dates!