Guys do not want to meet me again after the first date

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, miss2017 said:

I don’t like when guys invite me for coffee and tell me to pick a place. That shows low effort right from the start and it puts me off.

 

So why go along with it?

I still feel there is something else happening here.  I go on a lot of first dates and the men nearly always want a second date. I can't actually think of one who didn't. I am attractive enough but I don't dress provocatively or flirt outrageously, nor do I wear a lot of makeup or spend ages doing my hair/nails/whatever.  I agree with @Shortskirtslonglashes that men don't need overt sexuality in order to ask for a second date (although I also agree with @poppyfields regarding f***abilty!). Most of the men I talk to typically want a "bigger" first date than I do, eg., they propose dinner and I counter with drinks. I am not sure if it's a function of your appearance or who you are responding to (or a combination of both), but your experience seems unusual.

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

So why go along with it?

I still feel there is something else happening here.  I go on a lot of first dates and the men nearly always want a second date. I can't actually think of one who didn't. I am attractive enough but I don't dress provocatively or flirt outrageously, nor do I wear a lot of makeup or spend ages doing my hair/nails/whatever.  I agree with @Shortskirtslonglashes that men don't need overt sexuality in order to ask for a second date (although I also agree with @poppyfields regarding f***abilty!). Most of the men I talk to typically want a "bigger" first date than I do, eg., they propose dinner and I counter with drinks. I am not sure if it's a function of your appearance or who you are responding to (or a combination of both), but your experience seems unusual.

Agree and same.  And clarifying that a woman's sexual vibe comes from within, not from anything she is overtly doing.  

[miss2017]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Agree and same.  And clarifying that a woman's sexual vibe comes from within, not from anything she is overtly doing.  

Yes so I need to stop going on dates with guys that show low effort and do not make me feel anything sexual due to that.

In other words, choose men over boys. That is the only real issue with me.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Yes so I need to stop going on dates with guys that show low effort and do not make me feel anything sexual due to that.

Sorry but sexuality is not about anything you are overtly doing or HE is overly doing.  

It's contained within, your essence, your energy.  Like you could walk through the door, and men can immediately sense your sexual presence.  Some women have it more than others.  

But yeah agree, best to choose men over boys.  

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[miss2017]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Sorry but sexuality is not about anything you are overtly doing or HE is overly doing.  

It's contained within, your essence, your energy.  

But yeah agree, best ti choose men over boys.  

A man who is in his masculine energy and plans a date, makes it happen, shows effort, is a huge turn on for me because feeling his masculine energy makes me relax and feel my feminine energy, so I naturally feel more sexually attracted to this man and more open on the date.

A boy who shows no effort is a no-no from my v-friend downstairs, so I feel friendly but standofish. 

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by miss2017

[introverted1]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Sorry but sexuality is not about anything you are overtly doing or HE is overly doing.  

It's contained within, your essence, your energy.  

 

Yes, this.

But still.... I have met men that I knew immediately I did not want to have sex with but that didn't put them off.  They still asked for a 2nd date.  So I tend to think it is something more than just that OP is not feeling sexual energy herself.

[Cookiesandough]

4 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Yes, this.

But still.... I have met men that I knew immediately I did not want to have sex with but that didn't put them off.  They still asked for a 2nd date.  So I tend to think it is something more than just that OP is not feeling sexual energy herself.

Some men even like  innocent  seeming ones. fun to corrupt, I guess lol

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[introverted1]

Just now, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Some men even like  innocent  seeming ones. more  fun to corrupt, I guess 

I need that laughing emoji now!  Definitely not innocent.  🤣

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Yes, this.

But still.... I have met men that I knew immediately I did not want to have sex with but that didn't put them off.  They still asked for a 2nd date.  

Well yeah, because even though you might not want to have sex with a particular man, your sexuality still exists, within you.  It's just there, part of your essence, your energy.   It's a part of who you are.

And men can smell it, which is why you (and I and many other women) always get/got asked for second dates.

I dunno, I truly believe in energy, essense, all of it, as hokey as it might seem to some. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

56 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I need that laughing emoji now!  Definitely not innocent.  🤣

 Haha. Fair enough. I can’t say I get bad girl vibes from you though introverted1 xD 

Somewhere in the middle I suppose

I think  I prefer innocent guys that I can’t read them sexually  at the beginning. I guess prefer is a bad word because it drives me crazy in a good way. They leave it to my imagination and take it really slow. The last LTR I had, he took his time to  kiss me even though I was giving signs to and it kind of drove me crazy..

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mortensorchid]

2 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Very good points!

So on my last date:

- The guy said it was up to me to choose the place to meet.

- I chose a coffee shop around where I live, he drove there and got lost. Called me on the phone and found out he was in the wrong coffee shop. Asked me if I could meet at a park instead!? I told him there are no parks around, and so he drove to the right coffee shop where I was.

- When he got there, I was already having a coffee because I’ve had to order something as I was sitting at that table for a long time. He arrived, the whole time he didn’t order anything for himself or asked if I wanted him to get me anything else either.

- We talked for some time and then he asked me to tell him a bad experience I had with meeting someone from OLD. I told him how once I met this guy for coffee and after 5 minutes the guy asked me to go to his house (for sex of course), and I told him no and the guy insisted several times until I left. After I told him this story, he abruptly ended our date asking where my car is and that he takes me there. I can only think he was also only fishing for sex and realised he won’t get what he wants with me after my story.

So yeah lots of red flags.

One thing I notice that all these guys have in common is the lack of effort.

- They all invite for the boring coffee first date. 
- They all say for me to choose the place.

And I guess I just realised what the problem here is. 

I sense their lack of effort and I lose interest. But I still go on the date. But I go on the date already feeling ‘if they are not making the effort why should I?’.

I guess what I need to do is do not go on the date when I feel this. 

I notice that guys on OLD do not make an effort in general and I need to stop feeding this crap.

I love a man who puts in the effort. Who has a strong masculine vibe and plans a nice date, decides where to go, etc. When I sense that effort, I relax in my feminine energy and am really my best self on the date. 

But yeah I don’t do much effort with a guy who does not either, who doesn’t even plan a date.

I guess I found the issue!

It's a good thing to have a bit of practice to see what kind of person this guy really is.  Unfortunately, as we have found out in the quest to look for Mr. Right, there are a lot of Mr . Wrongs.  So, so, so many Mr.Wrongs.

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

It's contained within, your essence, your energy.  Like you could walk through the door, and men can immediately sense your sexual presence.  Some women have it more than others.  

How do you that?

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, Alvi said:

How do you that?

Huh?  What do you mean, do what?  Your sexuality is nothing you "do."  It's just there, within you, your essence, part of your core, who you are as a woman.  And men can smell it like a dog in heat.  

Some women are more in touch with their sexuality than others and believe me, it's pretty powerful!

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

And men can smell it like a dog in heat.  

Some women are more in touch with their sexuality than others and believe me, it's pretty powerful!

Truth. But there is also a weird chemistry thing too. I once dated a fitness model. She sort of looked like a human version of Jessica Rabbit. Stunning. I once watched a waiter walk into a wall staring at her when we were having dinner. But for me there was nothing. No attraction. I found myself calling for the check way earlier than I normally would have. Took her out a handful of times and nada. Zilch. Weird. She affected other men. Just not me. 

And then I've been with other women who might not garner reactions like that from other men just drove me wild. But I guess that's what makes this all interesting. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, miss2017 said:

 guy who does not either, who doesn’t even plan a date.

Unfortunately it's very unrealistic to think that a stranger who you have never met should plan an elaborate date.

The "boring coffee date", is not a date, it's just an in person meeting.

You seem to think it's online boyfriending. 

Screen better, meet briefly in an organized manner, take charge of the situation and at the coffee meet observe and decide if you want to date.

Never discuss your burned out issues with men on first meets. For example telling them guys just wanted hookups,etc.

It's unclear why you believe putting your worst foot forward could possibly lead to anything but your self-fulfilling prophecies.

You seem so burned out that it's almost like you deliberately torpedo your chances to keep yourself "safe" from ever having a second date, no less a relationship.

[Chilli]

13 hours ago, miss2017 said:

No, in order to attract the right person you just need to be yourself.

This is not a competition to win a prize. This is real life to meet someone who is a true match, real love. 

You don’t need manneirisms, charm, flirtation. You need to be the real you. 

Good for you op and in many ways that's so true, l've actually tried to point these things out myself to 100s of people over the years but you put it best and that's exactly how it always was for me. Of course l knew l could find different things to my woman , or what some might call better or more this or more that and blah blah blah, but l didn't want those, they wouldn't be her , l wanted her. Really hope that right man comes along , good luck.

ps , not to say a little bit of icing hurts though,  hell no.

Edited November 11, 2020 by Chilli

[miss2017]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it's very unrealistic to think that a stranger who you have never met should plan an elaborate date.

The "boring coffee date", is not a date, it's just an in person meeting.

You seem to think it's online boyfriending. 

Screen better, meet briefly in an organized manner, take charge of the situation and at the coffee meet observe and decide if you want to date.

Never discuss your burned out issues with men on first meets. For example telling them guys just wanted hookups,etc.

It's unclear why you believe putting your worst foot forward could possibly lead to anything but your self-fulfilling prophecies.

You seem so burned out that it's almost like you deliberately torpedo your chances to keep yourself "safe" from ever having a second date, no less a relationship.

I’m sorry but the guy asked for my worst dating experience and so I was honest and told him. 

That’s who I am. I am honest and I tell it as it is. I am real. If they can’t handle that, goodbye.

[miss2017]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Well yeah, because even though you might not want to have sex with a particular man, your sexuality still exists, within you.  It's just there, part of your essence, your energy.   It's a part of who you are.

And men can smell it, which is why you (and I and many other women) always get/got asked for second dates.

I dunno, I truly believe in energy, essense, all of it, as hokey as it might seem to some. 

Now I understand why I don’t get second dates.

99% of men in that app want easy sex. I do not give easy sex vibes at all because I a woman of value. So they move along to another easy woman. 

So I guess not having a second date from this type of guys is actually a good sign.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

.99% of men in that app want easy sex. 

What apps are you on? Do you have a well written profile and recent good pics on any quality (paid) dating apps?

Why not screen better, take your time and just ignore those who are only looking for hookups?

[miss2017]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What apps are you on? Do you have a well written profile and recent good pics on any quality (paid) dating apps?

Why not screen better, take your time and just ignore those who are only looking for hookups?

I am on Tinder, Bumble and the paid app Match.com.

Most guys I meet are from Tinder, which is basically the app for easy hookups I guess. Although I only meet guys who say are looking for more than that, but that can be BS.

Can’t seem to find anyone I like and want to meet on Match.com though.

Edited November 11, 2020 by miss2017

[introverted1]

5 hours ago, miss2017 said:

I’m sorry but the guy asked for my worst dating experience and so I was honest and told him. 

That’s who I am. I am honest and I tell it as it is. I am real. If they can’t handle that, goodbye.

This was an opportunity for you to tell a funny story that you could both laugh at.  What did you think the answer you gave would do to enhance the date?

5 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Now I understand why I don’t get second dates.

99% of men in that app want easy sex. I do not give easy sex vibes at all because I a woman of value. So they move along to another easy woman. 

So I guess not having a second date from this type of guys is actually a good sign.

You've misunderstood.  Having an "essence" of sexuality (to quote @poppyfields) isn't about easy sex.  It's about being in touch with your own sexuality... feeling like a sexual being even if you aren't having sex (or wanting to have sex) at the moment.  Just because a woman is in touch with it doesn't mean she has sex indiscriminately, nor that she gives "easy sex vibes."  You've totally mischaracterised what it means to have a sexual essence, and your attitude of (unsupported) superiority because you are "a woman of value" is not warranted in this context.  Note that I am saying "in this context," not that you don't have value. But lashing out at women who have had dating success ("easy women" in your words) does not help your situation.  And putting down other women this way is one of the oldest insults in the books.

 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

This was an opportunity for you to tell a funny story that you could both laugh at.  What did you think the answer you gave would do to enhance the date?

You've misunderstood.  Having an "essence" of sexuality (to quote @poppyfields) isn't about easy sex.  It's about being in touch with your own sexuality... feeling like a sexual being even if you aren't having sex (or wanting to have sex) at the moment.  Just because a woman is in touch with it doesn't mean she has sex indiscriminately, nor that she gives "easy sex vibes."  You've totally mischaracterised what it means to have a sexual essence, and your attitude of (unsupported) superiority because you are "a woman of value" is not warranted in this context.  Note that I am saying "in this context," not that you don't have value. But lashing out at women who have had dating success ("easy women" in your words) does not help your situation.  And putting down other women this way is one of the oldest insults in the books.

Thanks introverted, well said.  👍

@miss, I mean no offense, but reading through your responses, your defensive posture, it seems clear that your lack of success has little to do with your looks and more to do with, well, your crap attitude, a sort of self-entitlement, I'm sorry if that sounds mean.

Do you even like men?  Generally speaking?  Reading your posts, my sense is you don't, but I could be wrong.  

I'm remembering the post wherein you said your date was wondering how you felt - were you enjoying the date?  Did you feel an attraction, a chemistry?  Anything? 

I'm not judging you because there was a time when I was the most self-entitled person on the planet, or close to.

I honestly felt like I didn't have to do a damn thing.  My expectations were that men should do all the pursuing, chasing (even when I was pushing them away), planning, paying, making all the effort.  My job was to be responsive and essentially just show up!  

If they couldn't read me, figure me out (which happened a lot) that was their problem, like you, hell just ask!  

Until one man I was dating, a successful dentist, a friend of my best friend's boyfriend, DUMPED me!  Oh the horror, lol. 

Reason he gave my friend and her boyfriend?  He got sick of making all the effort, doing all the work, he had no idea how I felt, if I ever missed him, or if I even cared at all.  The quintessential "cool girl" and it turned him off.  

Mind you, I was accepting all his dates, never flaked, I was fun and "nice" on our dates, but nevertheless he became turned off by my cool girl facade, my self-entitlement.  Which I fully admit to having at the time.

I really liked him so that is when I started looking within and making some changes.   In my attitude and how I viewed the male/female dynamic.

I lowered my extremely high and unrealistic expectations of men.  I realized they have needs too and that a successful relationship required two people making effort, not just man chases women.  

And that men are not mind readers and invulnerable.

When that man told you he hadn't a clue how you felt, instead of (in your mind) becomg defensive with "just ASK!", try seeing it from his perspective.  Reflect on your behavior and why you give off that vibe.  

Make changes in your attitude.  From negative to positive.  Trust me, men can sense your vibe no matter how hard you try to cover it up and be "nice."

And for the love of *, get off Tinder! Lol 🤣  Or better yet, focus on meeting men in real life.  Be approachable, friendly, smile. 

 

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[miss2017]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

This was an opportunity for you to tell a funny story that you could both laugh at.  What did you think the answer you gave would do to enhance the date?

You've misunderstood.  Having an "essence" of sexuality (to quote @poppyfields) isn't about easy sex.  It's about being in touch with your own sexuality... feeling like a sexual being even if you aren't having sex (or wanting to have sex) at the moment.  Just because a woman is in touch with it doesn't mean she has sex indiscriminately, nor that she gives "easy sex vibes."  You've totally mischaracterised what it means to have a sexual essence, and your attitude of (unsupported) superiority because you are "a woman of value" is not warranted in this context.  Note that I am saying "in this context," not that you don't have value. But lashing out at women who have had dating success ("easy women" in your words) does not help your situation.  And putting down other women this way is one of the oldest insults in the books.

 

That was a funny story! Asking if I want to go to his house after 5 minutes of meeting, that to me is a complete joke. We did actually laugh about it when I told him that. And that way I was also telling him I am not looking for easy sex.

I didn't say having an essence of sexuality is about easy sex. What I meant is, I don't use my sexuality to be on a date. 

Dating success doesn't equal easy sex. I wasn't putting down other women, I was talking about myself.

[miss2017]

27 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks introverted, well said.  👍

@miss, I mean no offense, but reading through your responses, your defensive posture, it seems clear that your lack of success has little to do with your looks and more to do with, well, your crap attitude, a sort of self-entitlement, I'm sorry if that sounds mean.

Do you even like men?  Generally speaking?  Reading your posts, my sense is you don't, but I could be wrong.  

I'm remembering the post wherein you said your date was wondering how you felt - were you enjoying the date?  Did you feel an attraction, a chemistry?  Anything? 

I'm not judging you because there was a time when I was the most self-entitled person on the planet, or close to.

I honestly felt like I didn't have to do a damn thing.  My expectations were that men should do all the pursuing, chasing (even when I was pushing them away), planning, paying, making all the effort.  My job was to respond positively and essentially just show up!  

If they couldn't read me, that was their problem, like you, hell just ask!  

Until one man I was dating, a successful dentist, a friend of my best friend's boyfriend, DUMPED me!  Oh the horror, lol. 

Reason he gave my friend and her boyfriend?  He got sick of making all the effort, doing all the work, he had no idea how I felt, if I ever missed him, or if I even cared at all.  The quintessential "cool girl" and it turned him off.  

Mind you, I was accepting all his dates, never flaked, I was fun and "nice" on our dates, but nevertheless he became turned off by my cool girl facade, my self-entitlement.  Which I fully admit to having at the time.

I really liked him so that is when I started looking within and making some changes.   In my attitude and how I viewed the male/female dynamic.

I lowered my extremely high and unrealistic expectations of men.  I realized they have needs too and that a successful relationship required two people making effort, not just man chases women.  

And that men are not mind readers and invulnerable.

When that man told you he hadn't a clue how you felt, instead of (in your mind) becomg defensive with "just ASK!", try seeing it from his perspective.  Reflect on your behavior and why you give off that vibe.  

Make changes in your attitude.  From negative to positive.  Trust me, men can sense your vibe no matter how hard you try to cover it up and be "nice."

And for the love of *, get off Tinder! Lol 🤣  Or better yet, focus on meeting men in real life.  Be approachable, friendly, smile. 

 

In the past I used to have low self-esteem and no standards. I accepted all kind of guys and you bet I was having a LOT of second and third dates, because I was fun and open. 

I've also had bad experiences, so I have worked on my self-esteem and now yes, my standards are high. I do make an effort, I am not just sitting and waiting for them to make all the effort. But I do not do any effort if they don't either. Nowadays I can smell a rat from afar, and that way I avoid problems. I do not want clowns again in my life.

At the end of the day is not about "man chasing woman", it's not about chasing. It's about being open to the other person and making an effort. These "first date coffee" Tinder guys are minimal effort, and I am not a woman of minimal effort. I want a great guy and I want to be a great woman and partner for him too. 

I have worked hard on myself and I've got to a point where I want to be well treated and I don't settle. So please don't tell me I am entitled and have a crap attitude. I know where I have been before and I'm happy to have high standards now.

All of those guys I've had first dates with were not the right man for me. I can tell you that:

- One asked me to go to his house have sex after 5 minutes

- About 5 of them were living with their mom (or wife)

- Two were unemployed (one of them didn't even know what they wanted to do, totally lost in life)

- One was still hurt from the previous relationship

- A few just wanted something casual

- Etc, etc.

There were a few I didn't see red flags but wonder what happened for not having a second date.

What all these guys have in common? Me and Tinder. 

So yes, I agree with leave Tinder lol.

Edited November 11, 2020 by miss2017

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

What I meant is, I don't use my sexuality to be on a date. 

Thanks for clarifying that.  I don't either.   Using your sexuality or anything else is contrived and disingenuous.  Be genuine and real.

That said, like I and introverted have been saying, a woman's sexuality and femininity are still present within her, her essense, part of her core, who she is as a woman.  

Just like a man's masculinity is part of his essence, his core, who he is as a man.

He doesn't need to "act" masculine, he simply IS masculine.  It's who he is a man, it's genuine, not some act to attract women. 

There are men that do behave that way though, "act" all macho as they think this is masculine and will attract women 

Arghh, for me and many women it's just the opposite.