Guys do not want to meet me again after the first date

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Hookup apps and zero screening is a recipe for burn out.

[SumGuy]

17 hours ago, miss2017 said:

...

To break this I need to:

- Screen better

- Only meet guys that I feel are a good match

- Feel excited and happy to go on the date and bring that amazing energy to it

Maybe Tinder isn’t even the problem, but that pattern. I have two friends who met their husbands on Tinder too.

....

In a way if you are not feeling it and giving off that vibe, it's good they pick up on that and not ask for a second date. 

The only problem I'd have with tinder is how much info do you really have to go on besides looks?  Unless that is your screening filter.

[CLS63AMG]

Doesn't matter what app you use, if you use glam/filter/photoshopped/head shots only/angles photos and show up unrecognizable the guy will never call you back, the choice is yours.  If you can't show who you really are, why are you even bothering lol. They're blowing smoke up your azz in this thread (kids, older defeated) - you know what you need to do.

Edited November 14, 2020 by CLS63AMG

[Cookiesandough]

Agree with that. Doesn’t matter matter how bad you aren’t screening, if no guys on OLD  are asking for a second date there is something really amiss with how you are presenting in online vs in person. I don’t care how asexual you seem, even (maybe especially) guys that are looking for sex only are going to ask on a second date if they are attracted to you. They’re gonna try 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ami1uwant]

On 11/10/2020 at 12:15 PM, miss2017 said:

I'm so sorry, I meant to thank everyone, I was just at work and couldn't come here!

But thank you to you and everyone else, reading your replies made me think a lot about how I come across on dates.

I am engaging, I talk about myself and my life, I also ask questions about them, I smile, I say jokes and have banter. So, yes I think I am nice overall. What I don't think I am is very sexual or flirting. I don't play with my hair or touch them, or whatever. 

I don't massage their egos in any way. Maybe I do come across in a standoffish way in that manner, like I don't give a f***. Because I don't. I believe that if I meet the right man, the connection will be there and we just feel it. 

The last guy I dated gave me the feedback that he didn't know the whole date how I was feeling about him. So why didn't he just ASKED? 

I am taking a break from OLD as I am exhausted from first dates and ghosting.

This is the problem...

 

you don’t flirt, you don’t show signs you are interested in something. These are cues guy looks for. Not saying boost his ego.  But there are some signs to show you are interested vs being friendly.

[Ami1uwant]

On 11/10/2020 at 2:52 PM, miss2017 said:

A man who is in his masculine energy and plans a date, makes it happen, shows effort, is a huge turn on for me because feeling his masculine energy makes me relax and feel my feminine energy, so I naturally feel more sexually attracted to this man and more open on the date.

A boy who shows no effort is a no-no from my v-friend downstairs, so I feel friendly but standofish. 

 

 

you don’t plan a date for someone you have not met face to face. You do thus for the date after you meet.

 

in real life dating you have met face to face already so you can plan a date out. Someone you haven’t met face to face yet there are numerous things in pla6 to not do this.

[Ami1uwant]

On 11/12/2020 at 3:47 AM, miss2017 said:

Thank you! Yes I did read your post and you are right, a real man would not let go. I suppose most of these guys just wanted hook ups and they probably have experience enough to know on a date if the woman sitting in front of them wants that too and is going to happen easily. I do not give that vibe, and do not want that, so they move on.

Well, I have left Tinder and only have more quality apps now, and will definitely screen men better from now on. These red flags (living with his mom, unemployed, etc) are enough reasons to not go on a first date.

I am well financially, bought my own house, have a job I love, have stability, so I want a guy who is on the same level. Thank you!

At this time you need to be reasonable and understand circumstances in certain careers seriously damaged with Covid.

 

tinder is not a dating app

 

real men will not pursue you if you don’t show interest.

 

yiu say you own your own home...thus can drive men away. There is another thread on this.

 

[miss2017]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

At this time you need to be reasonable and understand circumstances in certain careers seriously damaged with Covid.

 

tinder is not a dating app

 

real men will not pursue you if you don’t show interest.

 

yiu say you own your own home...thus can drive men away. There is another thread on this.

 

Me owning a home can drive men away? I hope so! Because the only men I will be driving away due to that are insecure idiots. Many men own a house too.

Edited November 14, 2020 by miss2017

[miss2017]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

This is the problem...

 

you don’t flirt, you don’t show signs you are interested in something. These are cues guy looks for. Not saying boost his ego.  But there are some signs to show you are interested vs being friendly.

Maybe that’s the issue. I knew they were not a match so I didn’t show anything because deep down I wasn’t interested. I need better screening.

[miss2017]

7 hours ago, SumGuy said:

In a way if you are not feeling it and giving off that vibe, it's good they pick up on that and not ask for a second date. 

The only problem I'd have with tinder is how much info do you really have to go on besides looks?  Unless that is your screening filter.

A lot! I like to chat a little online before going on a date. And through that chat I know many things: if they live close to me or far away, if they work, if they live in their own place and not with their mom, what they say about what they are looking for in dating and in life, if they didn’t separate 1 month ago after being married many years and are on the rebound, etc, etc.

My issue is that I know all these things beforehand, know they are not a match and I still go on a date with them. Not anymore.

[poppyfields]

On 11/12/2020 at 7:34 PM, poppyfields said:

When a man is attracted, he WILL ask for a second date even when she's cold as ice!   That's what men do when interested and attracted.  They will at least try for one more date.

I'm repeating this^ for emphasis and to repeat what shortskirts said too "Doesn’t matter matter how bad you aren’t screening, if no guys on OLD  are asking for a second date there is something really amiss with how you are presenting in online vs in person. 

I know that's a hard pill to swallow but it's really what it boils down to.

Evidenced by the fact that there was that one man you liked, showed interest in, and he never asked for second date either.

Like I said earlier, you might want to consider sticking to meeting men in real life.  OLD isn't right for everyone.  

And when you have 30, 40, 50 men on-line not asking for a second date, time to try something else.  

Edited November 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

you don’t flirt, you don’t show signs you are interested in something. These are cues guy looks for. Not saying boost his ego.  But there are some signs to show you are interested vs being friendly.

I disagree. There were plenty of guys I've been out with who I did not like, did not flirt with and they asked me out for a second date. shortskirts and introverted said same. 

It's the first meet for heaven''s sake, people are nervous and can be anxious. Most "real" men understand this and will ask her out at least one more time, when attracted, even if all they want is a hook up.

Maybe you didn't Ami1, but plenty do.   And again, there was the one man miss2017 did like and showed interest, and nothing. 

 

Edited November 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

On 11/13/2020 at 3:34 AM, poppyfields said:

When a man is attracted, he WILL ask for a second date even when she's cold as ice! 

Agreed.

Something appears to be putting these guys off  here, and yes it could just be guys looking for first date sex, or guys who sense a non match almost straight away, but EVERY guy?
I think even guys who are just looking for sex will give it another go if they find her attractive enough.
If the guys are so downbeat and not on her level, then you would think some guy would want to snap up a "good catch"...

It is not something that is apparent on the profile pic, or on  setting up the date, else they wouldn't even show up if it was.
It is something that happens on the date itself.

i think it boils down to the Yes, No and Maybe. 
Yes -  2nd date a no brainer.
No - 2nd date - no way.
Maybe  -  2nd date may be worth trying.
For some reason miss2017 is always in the No pile.
She needs to suss out why that is.
Yes she may be thinking she is setting her sights low but  if there is something more fundamental wrong then "better" matches are not going to lead to any better results... 
 

[Velvet teddy]

5 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Maybe that’s the issue. I knew they were not a match so I didn’t show anything because deep down I wasn’t interested. I need better screening.

You must have had some interest in the men you met. 

Hence why you took the effort to meet in the first place.

 I think  you're  trying to save face now. 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[Velvet teddy]

5 hours ago, miss2017 said:

A lot! I like to chat a little online before going on a date. And through that chat I know many things: if they live close to me or far away, if they work, if they live in their own place and not with their mom, what they say about what they are looking for in dating and in life, if they didn’t separate 1 month ago after being married many years and are on the rebound, etc, etc.

My issue is that I know all these things beforehand, know they are not a match and I still go on a date with them. Not anymore.

Men are different to women. 

Their priority isn't career, job stability, ambition etc...for the majority its how you look. Whether they find you pretty/beautiful or not. 

When you're being turned down for a second date on every single occasion, it has undoubtedly got something  to do with you and how you present yourself on the date.

Therefore in order to yield some positive results, something is going to have to change. The sooner you realise this, the closer you will be to succeeding in the dating world. 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, miss2017 said:

My issue is that I know all these things beforehand, know they are not a match and I still go on a date with them. Not anymore

Why do you go out with guys that you know are not a match?  No wonder they aren't attracted when they meet you.  Try meeting a man who is actually a match.

[SumGuy]

8 hours ago, miss2017 said:

A lot! I like to chat a little online before going on a date. And through that chat I know many things: if they live close to me or far away, if they work, if they live in their own place and not with their mom, what they say about what they are looking for in dating and in life, if they didn’t separate 1 month ago after being married many years and are on the rebound, etc, etc.

My issue is that I know all these things beforehand, know they are not a match and I still go on a date with them. Not anymore.

Interesting, that you still go on the date, but have to admit I have as well (unless it is some deal breaker) just because in case and I try not to read to much into communication that is not in person.  However, I will strike up a conversation with the person next to me at the bar just because I like to talk to people (even though I am a major introvert), so can often have an interesting date even if there is no chemistry.  

Those are all good things to know and a good filters of those who have negatives that may be too much or signs of more woe....how much do you explore the things that are positive?  Those things that you'd like a person to like you for and be attracted to, those things you deep down desire to share with someone special in life, the views ad dreams you hold most dear.

I'm not saying start baring ones most personal and intimate aspects.   For example, music is something I'd like to share with someone special, it's not a must have but what music a woman likes and why have been important windows for me on connection.  Likewise, I desire someone who is able to talk about intellectual things, so being a reader I've found is another good proxy for that.   There are other things as well, for example I'm not into judgmental or transactional or consumerism or materialistic, etc. but those women I think I do not attract based on how set up my profile.   My very first profiles were kind of stock and attracted too many women who were not my cup of tea personality wise, changing my profile did seem to make the world of difference, although it broke certain "rules"  (although it never included the shirtless fish pic  )  A rambling way to say I believe these things make a difference.

On second dates....

It does seem though like you have screened out the men who would hound you for sex even if you give off a disinterested vibe. 

Have you had a situation where you wanted a second date because you had some interest but were not asked?  If not, then things are not so bad, and maybe good even as there is a whole world of woe when they want to see you more and you don't want to see them.

If you are in a situation where you want a second date, how do you feel about asking him?  Or even just saying something like, I understand I can be hard to read, but so you know would like to see you again.  

Edited November 14, 2020 by SumGuy

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, Velvet teddy said:

Men are different to women. 

Their priority isn't career, job stability, ambition etc...for the majority its how you look. Whether they find you pretty/beautiful or not. 

Yes for some men that it the start and stop of their priorities.  If you are not interested in those men then it is a happy day that you do not attract them.

Quote

 

When you're being turned down for a second date on every single occasion, it has undoubtedly got something  to do with you and how you present yourself on the date.

Therefore in order to yield some positive results, something is going to have to change. The sooner you realise this, the closer you will be to succeeding in the dating world. 

 

 Maybe on the former, certainly if you are giving off a disinterested vibe.  But if "present yourself" means clothes and makeup...heck no.  Different men like different things.  For me the little or no makeup look is my strong preference, and not alone in this.  Plastic, TV anchor Barbie....yuck...although did date a former TV anchor...who was ecstatic I preferred the natural her look.

Certainly something needs to change with the pool of men selecting from, attracting and/or her picker is off.  I would never go changing one's physical appearance to something you are uncomfortable with or is not you.

OP I'd say to think about what you change to be sure it attracts the men you want and not just "men."

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Have you had a situation where you wanted a second date because you had some interest but were not asked?  

Hey SG, she mentioned a few times the man she had (what she felt was) a great date with, she was interested and suggested a second meet/date and he blew it off.  

So this screening business is not it.  

I could understand a few or even several men not asking for second, but every single man within the span of a year?   Assuming she met one man a week or every two weeks, that's 26 to 52 men not asking for a second date.  

Apparently she's attractive enough evidenced by Mr. Fix-It in real life flirting with her, complimenting her looks.

So it's baffling really and I feel for her.  But the only thing that makes sense is her on-line persona does not match her in-person presence. 

Jmo.  

Edited November 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[miss2017]

8 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Yes for some men that it the start and stop of their priorities.  If you are not interested in those men then it is a happy day that you do not attract them.

 Maybe on the former, certainly if you are giving off a disinterested vibe.  But if "present yourself" means clothes and makeup...heck no.  Different men like different things.  For me the little or no makeup look is my strong preference, and not alone in this.  Plastic, TV anchor Barbie....yuck...although did date a former TV anchor...who was ecstatic I preferred the natural her look.

Certainly something needs to change with the pool of men selecting from, attracting and/or her picker is off.  I would never go changing one's physical appearance to something you are uncomfortable with or is not you.

OP I'd say to think about what you change to be sure it attracts the men you want and not just "men."

It could have something to do with looks... I was looking at my profile photos on OLD and realised all my photos are from the beginning of this year and no full body photos.

I have gained weight after those photos (33 pounds), which is a lot and altered my shape. Maybe they are expecting a skinny elegant woman and I am a little chubby at the moment.

I am working with a personal trainer at the gym and have already lost 8 pounds but still have more to go.

I think that affects my confidence and it could be it, although I believe that if a man really liked me on the date he would like to see me again, despite my weight...

[ThereSheGoes]

9 hours ago, miss2017 said:

A lot! I like to chat a little online before going on a date. And through that chat I know many things: if they live close to me or far away, if they work, if they live in their own place and not with their mom, what they say about what they are looking for in dating and in life, if they didn’t separate 1 month ago after being married many years and are on the rebound, etc, etc.

My issue is that I know all these things beforehand, know they are not a match and I still go on a date with them. Not anymore.

Ooooh, yes! I do this too, and then wonder why I get burned. I have changed that. And I don't care if we have been talking for two weeks, I don't care if he does feel comfortable with me, you're not going to pressure me for a meet up when I KNOW that it isn't going to work out. Save my lil $70.

[ThereSheGoes]

21 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

It could have something to do with looks... I was looking at my profile photos on OLD and realised all my photos are from the beginning of this year and no full body photos.

I have gained weight after those photos (33 pounds), which is a lot and altered my shape. Maybe they are expecting a skinny elegant woman and I am a little chubby at the moment.

I am working with a personal trainer at the gym and have already lost 8 pounds but still have more to go.

I think that affects my confidence and it could be it, although I believe that if a man really liked me on the date he would like to see me again, despite my weight...

I know the feeling. My weight is beginning to affect me too. And dating really just magnifies the tiniest of insecurities that you have, and so you have to remain confident even though you're thinking..........."I'm chubby. I'm not huge, but I'm not skinny. Therefore, I'm flawed. And it's an obvious flaw. Am I still worth it to him, though?" And in this age of, everybody is in the gym, and if you're not, whats wrong with you, it's a lot of pressure.

Dating is so much pressure.

[miss2017]

3 hours ago, Velvet teddy said:

Men are different to women. 

Their priority isn't career, job stability, ambition etc...for the majority its how you look. Whether they find you pretty/beautiful or not. 

When you're being turned down for a second date on every single occasion, it has undoubtedly got something  to do with you and how you present yourself on the date.

Therefore in order to yield some positive results, something is going to have to change. The sooner you realise this, the closer you will be to succeeding in the dating world. 

Wow really? 

I would understand if a man's priority in regards to a woman is looks if he is 20 years old... but a 40 year old man?

I am looking for a life partner, so to me it's a lot more than just looks. I want to know where do they stand in their lives, what are their values, their ambition, their goals. What makes them passionate about life, what is their life purpose, what do they look for on a partner on a daily basis. And I want a man who values all this in me too. 

If a man at his 40's only values looks, then we're clearly not a match. 

[SumGuy]

17 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

It could have something to do with looks... I was looking at my profile photos on OLD and realised all my photos are from the beginning of this year and no full body photos.

I have gained weight after those photos (33 pounds), which is a lot and altered my shape. Maybe they are expecting a skinny elegant woman and I am a little chubby at the moment.

I am working with a personal trainer at the gym and have already lost 8 pounds but still have more to go.

I think that affects my confidence and it could be it, although I believe that if a man really liked me on the date he would like to see me again, despite my weight...

I hate to say it but if the guy considers your weight to be "drastically" higher than expected that will do it.   

I always tread lightly on the "chubby" vs "skinny" thing as the line is pretty subjective  I find most traditional models way too skinny, maybe a pretty face, but just not for me.

A full body shot is always good to avoid unwanted expectations.  No need for it to be revealing, or right up close even.

Men's preference in shape and weight varies so much that you don't need to be a size 6 to attract a man.  I think it may be more the surprise factor in your case.

I'm a big proponent of working out, gives you more energy, good for your overall health, etc.   You go, 8 pounds is impressive, and 33 pounds overweight is probably below the average (at least in the US).  I do hope all thee guys who balked were in shape, nothing I find more hypocritical than overweight men judging the weight of women.

[miss2017]

1 minute ago, ThereSheGoes said:

I know the feeling. My weight is beginning to affect me too. And dating really just magnifies the tiniest of insecurities that you have, and so you have to remain confident even though you're thinking..........."I'm chubby. I'm not huge, but I'm not skinny. Therefore, I'm flawed. And it's an obvious flaw. Am I still worth it to him, though?" And in this age of, everybody is in the gym, and if you're not, whats wrong with you, it's a lot of pressure.

Dating is so much pressure.

Well I don't put my value on my weight and surely do not put my worth is the eyes of a man. I am not my body fat %! 

But and having said that, I have been elegant all my life (not skinny but elegant), and always felt good in my body. I've gained weight due to the lockdown and eating the wrong foods. I didn't even realised I was gaining weight until my clothes started to feel tight and was really scared when I weight myself.

The thing is, my value and worth are intact, but I don't feel ME, you know? I look I the mirror and I don't recognise ME. And that is bothering me a lot, that's why I hired a personal trainer and want to lose the extra weight. So I dunno, maybe that's what they don't like on the date.