Guys do not want to meet me again after the first date

[miss2017]

2 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I hate to say it but if the guy considers your weight to be "drastically" higher than expected that will do it.   

I always tread lightly on the "chubby" vs "skinny" thing as the line is pretty subjective  I find most traditional models way too skinny, maybe a pretty face, but just not for me.

A full body shot is always good to avoid unwanted expectations.  No need for it to be revealing, or right up close even.

Men's preference in shape and weight varies so much that you don't need to be a size 6 to attract a man.  I think it may be more the surprise factor in your case.

I'm a big proponent of working out, gives you more energy, good for your overall health, etc.   You go, 8 pounds is impressive, and 33 pounds overweight is probably below the average (at least in the US).  I do hope all thee guys who balked were in shape, nothing I find more hypocritical than overweight men judging the weight of women.

The thing is, when talking online I tell the guys I love to work out and etc, and they probably think I am not skinny but fit. And you can tell I am over weight at the moment. So might be the surprise factor yes.

No the guys weren't overweight, they were fit because as I love sports and to be active, I always try to meet guys who like it too.

[Cookiesandough]

11 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

The thing is, when talking online I tell the guys I love to work out and etc, and they probably think I am not skinny but fit. And you can tell I am over weight at the moment. So might be the surprise factor yes.

No the guys weren't overweight, they were fit because as I love sports and to be active, I always try to meet guys who like it too.

Yes. It is a substantial enough amount to change your appearance, but that’s not a negative thing in itself. The element of surprise is probably going to be viewed negatively, like you purposefully lied/misrepresented yourself (even though you didn’t) 

I suggest updating your pics as soon as you can. I’d say every couple years,  20 pounds, significant change in hair or appearance...

Men into fitness like women of all shapes and sizes . Right now you’re not going on dates with the people who would be attracted to you. 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SumGuy]

1 minute ago, miss2017 said:

The thing is, when talking online I tell the guys I love to work out and etc, and they probably think I am not skinny but fit. And you can tell I am over weight at the moment. So might be the surprise factor yes.

No the guys weren't overweight, they were fit because as I love sports and to be active, I always try to meet guys who like it too.

Fair enough being fit and overweight are not contradictory in my view.   My ideal woman is fit and by unthinking BMI measures always "overweight."

If you are picking from the pool of sports loving and active guys (i.e. that is a big focus of their profile)  I can see the odds of them desiring a certain low body fat % to be higher.   

I love to be active, and it is part of what was looking for, but it is not my lead in OLD as found when led with that attracted too many where your BMI was the measure of your worth. 

Also, for most active people it is fairly easy to get back in shape if they fall out just because they have that mental attitude.  Frankly, also at my age 50+ if you are in decent shape it means you are active and have been, you just don't keep in fit shape in the US without being active, so doesn't need to be said or a focus in a OLD in my view.  My big question is when she says "camping" does she mean car camping or backpacking  

[elaine567]

A weight gain of 2 stone and 5 pounds is not insignificant and unless you were very skinny previously or you are very tall will catapult you into the overweight or even the obese category. 

[miss2017]

28 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

A weight gain of 2 stone and 5 pounds is not insignificant and unless you were very skinny previously or you are very tall will catapult you into the overweight or even the obese category. 

I was not very skinny and I am not obese but yes it a significant weight gain and I understand how men can feel I mislead them, although nothing was ever said about that.

[Velvet teddy]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Yes for some men that it the start and stop of their priorities.  If you are not interested in those men then it is a happy day that you do not attract them.

 Maybe on the former, certainly if you are giving off a disinterested vibe.  But if "present yourself" means clothes and makeup...heck no.  Different men like different things.  For me the little or no makeup look is my strong preference, and not alone in this.  Plastic, TV anchor Barbie....yuck...although did date a former TV anchor...who was ecstatic I preferred the natural her look.

Certainly something needs to change with the pool of men selecting from, attracting and/or her picker is off.  I would never go changing one's physical appearance to something you are uncomfortable with or is not you.

OP I'd say to think about what you change to be sure it attracts the men you want and not just "men."

I see your points. All valid.

I was simply giving her reasons as to why these men may not want to see her again.

And more or less it is to do with looks ( unfortunately)

And of course there are individual  differences. So its not like she won't ever not find anyone. But the ones she chose may have been particularly  shallow.

 

[Velvet teddy]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

Wow really? 

I would understand if a man's priority in regards to a woman is looks if he is 20 years old... but a 40 year old man?

I am looking for a life partner, so to me it's a lot more than just looks. I want to know where do they stand in their lives, what are their values, their ambition, their goals. What makes them passionate about life, what is their life purpose, what do they look for on a partner on a daily basis. And I want a man who values all this in me too. 

If a man at his 40's only values looks, then we're clearly not a match. 

Im not disputing what you're  saying. Im giving you facts. For men a huge amount of the time their focus is about finding  the woman attractive. This is what gives them the motivation to meet again. 

Yes even 40 year olds chase younger women due to their looks. Look at all those videos over youtube about women hitting the wall at 30 and encouraging men to go for women in their early 20s. If you read the comments you'll  see a lot of the men ain't spring chickens. 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[Velvet teddy]

40 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I was not very skinny and I am not obese but yes it a significant weight gain and I understand how men can feel I mislead them, although nothing was ever said about that.

What you need to do is provide full length pictures so they will know what to expect. That way you can filter out men who will reject you because of your weight. And find men who you could potentially have a connection  with. 

[Shining One]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

I would understand if a man's priority in regards to a woman is looks if he is 20 years old... but a 40 year old man?

I am looking for a life partner, so to me it's a lot more than just looks. I want to know where do they stand in their lives, what are their values, their ambition, their goals. What makes them passionate about life, what is their life purpose, what do they look for on a partner on a daily basis. And I want a man who values all this in me too. 

If a man at his 40's only values looks, then we're clearly not a match. 

Do you not have any physical attribute requirements of your own? Physical attraction is important and people like what they like.

[miss2017]

1 minute ago, Shining One said:

Do you not have any physical attribute requirements of your own? Physical attraction is important and people like what they like.

I do, but to me what makes a person attractive long term is what’s inside them, not their looks. As I said, I am looking for my life partner and looks by itself is not enough.

[miss2017]

6 minutes ago, Velvet teddy said:

What you need to do is provide full length pictures so they will know what to expect. That way you can filter out men who will reject you because of your weight. And find men who you could potentially have a connection  with. 

I get that, but as I said I do not recognize myself in this weight so don’t want to put pictures of me at this moment.

[Velvet teddy]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Yes for some men that it the start and stop of their priorities.  If you are not interested in those men then it is a happy day that you do not attract them.

 Maybe on the former, certainly if you are giving off a disinterested vibe.  But if "present yourself" means clothes and makeup...heck no.  Different men like different things.  For me the little or no makeup look is my strong preference, and not alone in this.  Plastic, TV anchor Barbie....yuck...although did date a former TV anchor...who was ecstatic I preferred the natural her look.

Certainly something needs to change with the pool of men selecting from, attracting and/or her picker is off.  I would never go changing one's physical appearance to something you are uncomfortable with or is not you.

OP I'd say to think about what you change to be sure it attracts the men you want and not just "men."

I think men tend to be more shallow than women overall.

9/10 guys I've met have not been particularly attractive. Yet I've met them regardless. Can't  say the same for men on OLD. Even if they themselves are no oil painting. As in they won't give a woman a chance if she isn't pretty in his eyes... my friend ( who is a guy) is overweight and still aims for high end women. 

 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[Shining One]

1 minute ago, Velvet teddy said:

I think men tend to be more shallow than women overall.

Men and women tend to be shallow about different physical attributes. When it comes to weight and body shape, men do tend to be more shallow.

[Velvet teddy]

5 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I get that, but as I said I do not recognize myself in this weight so don’t want to put pictures of me at this moment.

Well it's upto you what you do.

Im giving you a tip to avoid going round in circles. 

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, miss2017 said:

It could have something to do with looks... I was looking at my profile photos on OLD and realised all my photos are from the beginning of this year and no full body photos.

I have gained weight after those photos (33 pounds), which is a lot and altered my shape. Maybe they are expecting a skinny elegant woman and I am a little chubby at the moment.

I am working with a personal trainer at the gym and have already lost 8 pounds but still have more to go.

I think that affects my confidence and it could be it, although I believe that if a man really liked me on the date he would like to see me again, despite my weight...

There is a world of difference between a man knowing your current weight/shape and wanting to date you "despite" it and being duped by pictures that don't accurately depict you as you currently are.  For many people, myself included, when someone's real life person-hood is drastically different from what was presented on OLD, this is off-putting.  It's not the *thing* itself (could be age, education, weight, height, job, whatever) but that the person wasn't honest. So a man who might be willing to date a 33-pound-heavier you might nonetheless be unwilling to date what he perceives to be a woman who was not honest about her weight. 

12 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I get that, but as I said I do not recognize myself in this weight so don’t want to put pictures of me at this moment.

Then to be both realistic for yourself and fair to the men you meet, you probably should not date until you feel comfortable enough in your own skin to share current pictures. 

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I do, but to me what makes a person attractive long term is what’s inside them, not their looks. As I said, I am looking for my life partner and looks by itself is not enough.

I get that, but first things first -  there needs to be an initial attraction.  First physical, then mental, emotional.   Spiritual if that's your thing.  

First meets = most people, especially men since most are visually-oriented by nature, are looks, appearance.  

I mentioned earlier, but for a man, it's a woman "f**kability."  I'm sorry that sounds brash, but it's true. 

That does NOT mean all he's looking for is sex.  He may be seeking the same things you are! 

And of course, a respectful man will keep these thoughts to himself until it's appropriate to reveal.  

What this all means is, he looks at you and he either wants to **** you or he doesn't.  And it's based on your appearance.   And if he doesn't, it's a next. 

Doesn't make him a horrible person, it makes him a man.  

Best to accept this, understand this.  Mars/Venus, Yin/Yang. 

Edited November 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

The bottom line is that your pictures are not matching up with who they meet in person. 

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

There is a world of difference between a man knowing your current weight/shape and wanting to date you "despite" it and being duped by pictures that don't accurately depict you as you currently are.  For many people, myself included, when someone's real life person-hood is drastically different from what was presented on OLD, this is off-putting.  It's not the *thing* itself (could be age, education, weight, height, job, whatever) but that the person wasn't honest. So a man who might be willing to date a 33-pound-heavier you might nonetheless be unwilling to date what he perceives to be a woman who was not honest about her weight. 

True^.  To add, with OLD, people often create idealistic images of each other based on pics.   They may begin to fantasize. 

Then, when they meet you in person, and you present differently from your pics and the image they had created of you on line, it's a let down, a turn off.  This happens ALOT.

Had you met the same guy IRL first, he would not have built that image, so no let down or turn off.  

Edited November 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[miss2017]

23 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

There is a world of difference between a man knowing your current weight/shape and wanting to date you "despite" it and being duped by pictures that don't accurately depict you as you currently are.  For many people, myself included, when someone's real life person-hood is drastically different from what was presented on OLD, this is off-putting.  It's not the *thing* itself (could be age, education, weight, height, job, whatever) but that the person wasn't honest. So a man who might be willing to date a 33-pound-heavier you might nonetheless be unwilling to date what he perceives to be a woman who was not honest about her weight. 

Then to be both realistic for yourself and fair to the men you meet, you probably should not date until you feel comfortable enough in your own skin to share current pictures. 

I was never not honest about my weight!

As I said before, I didn’t have full body photos and men never asked me how much I weight when chatting online, so if something was not accurate is about the fantasy they created around how I look, not me not being honest.

I agree though I should put a full body photo and understand men are very visual and that’s the first thing they look for. Hey, I’m a woman and I wouldn’t like to date a guy I don’t feel attracted to.

But I guess I won’t do it until I feel ME again.

[miss2017]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

True^.  To add, with OLD, people often create idealistic images of each other based on pics.   They may begin to fantasize. 

Then, when they meet you in person, and you present differently from your pics and the image they had created of you on line, it's a let down, a turn off.  This happens ALOT.

Had you met the same guy IRL first, he would not have built that image, so no let down or turn off.  

Yes, probably what happened with the guys I dated.

[Velvet teddy]

10 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I was never not honest about my weight!

As I said before, I didn’t have full body photos and men never asked me how much I weight when chatting online, so if something was not accurate is about the fantasy they created around how I look, not me not being honest.

I agree though I should put a full body photo and understand men are very visual and that’s the first thing they look for. Hey, I’m a woman and I wouldn’t like to date a guy I don’t feel attracted to.

But I guess I won’t do it until I feel ME again.

They will assume you hid your photos in order to hide the weight gain. It will be perceived as you deceived them. 

Im a pretty slim individual. I've encountered  guys who think im hiding my 'weight', simply because i innocently put up photos which didnt  reveal the full body. And im a size small!.

 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[introverted1]

deleted.  nvm

Edited November 14, 2020 by introverted1

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Wow really? 

I would understand if a man's priority in regards to a woman is looks if he is 20 years old... but a 40 year old man?

I am looking for a life partner, so to me it's a lot more than just looks. I want to know where do they stand in their lives, what are their values, their ambition, their goals. What makes them passionate about life, what is their life purpose, what do they look for on a partner on a daily basis. And I want a man who values all this in me too. 

If a man at his 40's only values looks, then we're clearly not a match. 

Believe it or not most men are looking for the same thing you are but it always starts with being physically and emotionally attracted.  Guys in their 40s are very much into looks that is why they are trying  to get women in their 20s if they can.  Even men in their 70s want a woman they are physically attracted to.  Doesn't everyone whether it's a man or a woman?  After all you seem to go for men who are active and most of those are fit.  If you aren't interested in looks then you could find what you're looking for in a much older man.

[miss2017]

36 minutes ago, Velvet teddy said:

They will assume you hid your photos in order to hide the weight gain. It will be perceived as you deceived them. 

Im a pretty slim individual. I've encountered  guys who think im hiding my 'weight', simply because i innocently put up photos which didnt  reveal the full body. And im a size small!.

 

I didn’t hide the full body photos on purpose. I didn’t even realise I didn’t have full body photos until now where some people here were mentioning looks.

But I can understand how that be perceived by a guy that I hid on purpose and they feel deceived. 

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Guys in their 40s are very much into looks that is why they are trying  to get women in their 20s if they can.  Even men in their 70s want a woman they are physically attracted to.  

Bolded.  This is absolutely true, no question.   BUT, and JMO but a man being 40+ searching out girls/women in their 20s is a whole different thing, that goes beyond just looks.  

Many women, 30s, 40s, 50+ are extremely attractive, they work out, many being in better shape than when they were younger, in their 20s!  Men too for that matter. 

You should see some of the 20ish women around here.  They get by on their youth, so don't work out, don't feel they need to do much, except sit in the sun and get tan, and it shows!  

Not all obviously but many.

I sound like Azincourt now lol, but there are many things women are doing now to remain looking young and healthy  (without cosmetic surgery or fillers); Google Christie Brinkley, the woman is 67!! 

She may have had work done though (can't tell), don't know.  But she works out daily on a fitness machine she promotes and looks great!  

So let's get away from the youth aspect, and focus on being authentic and genuine, presenting your best self, realizing it's important and that men are first drawn to how attractive they think you are and will go from there.  

No matter what their age or your age.  

Edited November 14, 2020 by poppyfields