Guys do not want to meet me again after the first date

[beentheredonethat77]

Its the extra weight im sure.. it made them feel misled (even if you didn't technically -- the lack of body shot had them filling in the blanks of the fantasy in their head .. which you'd never measure up to, especially with some extra lbs) -- Better to be upfront and filter out those guys.

Also, when you say 'the right man wont care if im carrying extra weight' -- i just think thats either a bit naive or perhaps a defense mechanism protecting yourself.. ie, "Screw them if they dont like me.. they weren't my man".   Thing is, physical attraction -- like it or not, is a part of the date-and-mate game.. its primal and natural so to pretend even if your ideal man doesn't care about physical attraction is self-sabotaging IMHO.   Should he care *only* about physical attraction -- of course not, that is shallow and pathetic -- but like it or not, its a factor.

If i were you, i'd keep up the amazing work at gym -- and take a breather from OND.   Emerge when you're at the weight that makes you feel like 'you' again... and take some new gorgeous photos of your new physique and dive back in and have fun.   You'll feel healthier and happier by then and it will radiate from you... you'll probably be beating the second date requesters off with a stick.

[miss2017]

7 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

Its the extra weight im sure.. it made them feel misled (even if you didn't technically -- the lack of body shot had them filling in the blanks of the fantasy in their head .. which you'd never measure up to, especially with some extra lbs) -- Better to be upfront and filter out those guys.

Also, when you say 'the right man wont care if im carrying extra weight' -- i just think thats either a bit naive or perhaps a defense mechanism protecting yourself.. ie, "Screw them if they dont like me.. they weren't my man".   Thing is, physical attraction -- like it or not, is a part of the date-and-mate game.. its primal and natural so to pretend even if your ideal man doesn't care about physical attraction is self-sabotaging IMHO.   Should he care *only* about physical attraction -- of course not, that is shallow and pathetic -- but like it or not, its a factor.

If i were you, i'd keep up the amazing work at gym -- and take a breather from OND.   Emerge when you're at the weight that makes you feel like 'you' again... and take some new gorgeous photos of your new physique and dive back in and have fun.   You'll feel healthier and happier by then and it will radiate from you... you'll probably be beating the second date requesters off with a stick.

Yes I think you are right. It’s not just about looking good, it’s about feeling good and feeling myself, which I don’t at the moment.
 

It’s like wearing some clothes you don’t like. It’s still me under those clothes, but I don’t feel me. 
 

So probably will do just that.

Edited November 14, 2020 by miss2017

[Pumaza]

Universe cant do nothing for no one.Its a lie.

Stop dating and ask feedback from your freinds and family. And see what you can do about.Read dating books etc.Ask your mom tips and so on.

Let them be real honest with you about what they see you doing wrong or that may be turnof.

Because it cant be that all guys act like that. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

15 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Me owning a home can drive men away? I hope so! Because the only men I will be driving away due to that are insecure idiots. Many men own a house too.

You own a home ....there was a thread. Can’t find it.  
 

in early dating if you bought a house thrn you coukd be tied to that part of a metro area. Thus coukd be a misdmatch ehere one wants to live in downtown while someone else wants to move to a smaller town after advancing in their career and doesn’t want yo stay there 5+ yrs from now.

if you just bought the house you can be focused on itorifyou have the house and he doesn’t the house can be viewed as mine vs ours in a relationship.

[Ami1uwant]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I disagree. There were plenty of guys I've been out with who I did not like, did not flirt with and they asked me out for a second date. shortskirts and introverted said same. 

It's the first meet for heaven''s sake, people are nervous and can be anxious. Most "real" men understand this and will ask her out at least one more time, when attracted, even if all they want is a hook up.

Maybe you didn't Ami1, but plenty do.   And again, there was the one man miss2017 did like and showed interest, and nothing. 

 

 

im a guy....I knowhiwit works first hand.  Guys expect some sort of behavior sign of interest before they ask on a second date.  If she doesn’t show thus they aren’t asking.  There are some guys who don’t try to ask for a 2nddate at end of first.

 

 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, miss2017 said:

I didn’t hide the full body photos on purpose. I didn’t even realise I didn’t have full body photos until now where some people here were mentioning looks.

But I can understand how that be perceived by a guy that I hid on purpose and they feel deceived. 

The guys know you didn’t have full body shots, so they didn’t feel deceived. They just weren’t attracted. Guys don’t think too deeply about it generally.

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Well I don't put my value on my weight and surely do not put my worth is the eyes of a man. I am not my body fat %! 

But and having said that, I have been elegant all my life (not skinny but elegant), and always felt good in my body. I've gained weight due to the lockdown and eating the wrong foods. I didn't even realised I was gaining weight until my clothes started to feel tight and was really scared when I weight myself.

The thing is, my value and worth are intact, but I don't feel ME, you know? I look I the mirror and I don't recognise ME. And that is bothering me a lot, that's why I hired a personal trainer and want to lose the extra weight. So I dunno, maybe that's what they don't like on the date.

this feeling you have in yourself shows to those you date.

 

im not one who judges peop,e by pure looks. For me personality does matter.  With manyguystheyseeyou and your imperfection but isn’t blown away by other qualities like feeling you have a real connection with you.

[CLS63AMG]

6 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes. It is a substantial enough amount to change your appearance, but that’s not a negative thing in itself. The element of surprise is probably going to be viewed negatively, like you purposefully lied/misrepresented yourself (even though you didn’t) 

I suggest updating your pics as soon as you can. I’d say every couple years,  20 pounds, significant change in hair or appearance...

Men into fitness like women of all shapes and sizes . Right now you’re not going on dates with the people who would be attracted to you. 

People that live in the gym want people that also live in the gym, I say the same thing when I see some hot gym girl flaunting it at the beach or wherever and people get mad and jealous.  I tell them she gets up at 5am on cold dark mornings all winter long to work out and look like that, you're damn right she's going to show it off!  If OP is presenting herself as a gym rat and showing up 40lbs overweight, yeah, gonna be a problem.

 

I don't do the gym thing, never once have I bagged a fitness girl and I've been on over 100 dates.  I am not overweight either, I am right at or slightly below my proper weight for my age and height and will lift weights to tone my arms up nice.  The gym thing is a lifestyle that only those that do understand.

Edited November 15, 2020 by CLS63AMG

[CLS63AMG]

2 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

Its the extra weight im sure.. it made them feel misled (even if you didn't technically -- the lack of body shot had them filling in the blanks of the fantasy in their head .. which you'd never measure up to, especially with some extra lbs) -- Better to be upfront and filter out those guys.

Also, when you say 'the right man wont care if im carrying extra weight' -- i just think thats either a bit naive or perhaps a defense mechanism protecting yourself.. ie, "Screw them if they dont like me.. they weren't my man".   Thing is, physical attraction -- like it or not, is a part of the date-and-mate game.. its primal and natural so to pretend even if your ideal man doesn't care about physical attraction is self-sabotaging IMHO.   Should he care *only* about physical attraction -- of course not, that is shallow and pathetic -- but like it or not, its a factor.

If i were you, i'd keep up the amazing work at gym -- and take a breather from OND.   Emerge when you're at the weight that makes you feel like 'you' again... and take some new gorgeous photos of your new physique and dive back in and have fun.   You'll feel healthier and happier by then and it will radiate from you... you'll probably be beating the second date requesters off with a stick.

Key word here is primal, men are attracted to looks, its the way we are wired.  Women are wired to want the strongest man (mentally and or physically) in the herd that will provide.  Nothing will ever change that, as much as they try.  I've had very wealthy doctor and lawyer girls with trust funds want me, but I didn't find them attractive, I'll date the hair dresser instead.  Way it is.

"men are microwaves, women are crock pots"

 

Edited November 15, 2020 by CLS63AMG

[Cookiesandough]

Guess it depends on the guy’s priorities/preferences.

But this isn’t really about all men not asking her on a second date because of her appearance. This is about all men not asking her on a second date because they get an idea of her appearance online and a different person shows up on the date. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Guess it depends on the guy’s priorities/preferences.

But this isn’t really about all men not asking her on a second date because of her appearance. This is about all men not asking her on a second date because they get an idea of her appearance online and a different person shows up on the date. 

Probably not. This is how women think. Honestly if someone was better looking in person than how they present in their photos is anybody upset? Or is it more a pleasant surprise? These guys, who the OP acknowledges are fit / slim, are just not attracted to her. Has nothing to do with feeling deceived.

[Cookiesandough]

24 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Probably not. This is how women think. Honestly if someone was better looking in person than how they present in their photos is anybody upset? Or is it more a pleasant surprise? These guys, who the OP acknowledges are fit / slim, are just not attracted to her. Has nothing to do with feeling deceived.

I disagree that it has nothing to do with feeling deceived. Having been in a similar situation and being a woman(generalized as not caring about looks at all),  I was more put off by the deception than the looks. 

More importantly, you seem overlooking that there’s no evidence there aren’t plenty of online men who could have been attracted to her if she put up her pics with the weight gain. Those men would have probably wanted a second date. . 
but she didn’t. So she only attracted men who assumed she was still slim/attracted to slim women. And  no surprise they  that didn’t ask her on the second date. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Cookiesandough]

As an aside, “primal“ is not the word that I would use here personally .... there’s a huge sociological a/cultural component. As a slim woman, I would probably need 33 more pounds to have been seen as the standard of beauty in 15th century Italy or in present day Mauritania. And still wouldn’t be unhealthy. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[CLS63AMG]

17 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I disagree that it has nothing to do with feeling deceived. Having been in a similar situation and being a woman(generalized as not caring about looks at all),  I was more put off by the deception than the looks. 

More importantly, you seem overlooking that there’s no evidence there aren’t just as many online men who could have been attracted to her if she put up her pics with the weight gain. Those men would have probably wanted a second date. . 
but she didn’t. So she only attracted men who assumed she was still slim, and no surprise they  that didn’t ask her on the second date. 

This is a HUGE issue with online dating, said girl puts up inaccurate photos and gets messaged by men "above her pay grade", she then thinks that's what she deserves and ignores the men she could be happy with.  The men that meet her in person aren't happy, she never gets a second date and in turn, isn't happy and deletes the app in anger wondering why it didn't work.

 

 

Edited November 15, 2020 by CLS63AMG

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I disagree that it has nothing to do with feeling deceived. Having been in a similar situation and being a woman(generalized as not caring about looks at all),  I was more put off by the deception than the looks. 

 

Again I ask. If the person was better looking in person, would anyone be upset. If the “deception” were the other way? I suspect not.

 

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

More importantly, you seem overlooking that there’s no evidence there aren’t plenty of online men who could have been attracted to her if she put up her pics with the weight gain.

No argument from me here. Just none of the fit / slim men she was choosing apparently. Like attracts like as a general rule. An overweight fit man may have found her attractive. She wasn’t interested in overweight men.

[CLS63AMG]

23 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Again I ask. If the person was better looking in person, would anyone be upset. If the “deception” were the other way? I suspect not.

 

 

80/20 rule applies, only 20% of the time does she look better than her pics - way too rare they even look like them let alone better.  Why is this even a question?

[Cookiesandough]

33 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Again I ask. If the person was better looking in person, would anyone be upset. If the “deception” were the other way? I suspect not.

 

No argument from me here. Just none of the fit / slim men she was choosing apparently. Like attracts like as a general rule. An overweight fit man may have found her attractive. She wasn’t interested in overweight men.

I wasn’t the one who brought up deception. I said that the issue was that these men are meeting someone  different than what they expected from the pictures. They can feel like they were deceived or they may not. In my situation,  I felt that I was intentionally misled (deceived) by a man who posted pictures at particular angles. It was this deception, not his looks, that led  me to decline a second date.
 

You seem to be looking at this entirely different way than I would.When I go on a date with someone from the internet, I don’t want to get someone ‘more attractive, but different’. I go on a date with someone wanting to get what I expected. If I go on a date and get someone that is different, even in a way that I view as ‘better’, it’s negative, and without a good explanation, a huge red flag, personally 

These men  were attracted to her online appearance. She showed up 30lbs more. ‘30 lb more’  is only’ worse’  to a man who is attracted to the woman who is 30lb less. 

She’s choosing them, but they’re also choosing her by the impression they get of  her online. Put an accurate pic up she’ll attract completely different men, but probably some fit men too

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[CLS63AMG]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I wasn’t the one who brought up deception. I said that the issue was that these men are meeting someone  different than what they expected from the pictures. They can feel like they were deceived or they may not. In my situation,  I felt that I was intentionally misled (deceived) by a man who posted pictures at particular angles. It was this deception, not his looks, that led  me to decline a second date.
 

You seem to be looking at this entirely different way than I would.When I go on a date with someone from the internet, I don’t want to get someone ‘more attractive, but different’. I go on a date with someone wanting to get what I expected. If I go on a date and get someone that is different, even in a way that I view as ‘better’, it’s negative, and without a good explanation, a huge red flag, personally 

These men  were attracted to her online appearance. She showed up 30lbs more. ‘30 lb more’  is only’ worse’  to a man who is attracted to /expecting the woman who is 30lb less. 

She’s choosing them, but they’re also choosing her by the impression they get of  her online. Put an accurate pic up she’ll attract completely different men, but probably some fit men too

You are 100% correct, its deception that stings the most.  Like did they really think I wouldn't notice they do not match their photos at all?  Did they not take into consideration the time I gave them to get ready, drive there, park, meet them - all to meet someone I would have never met had they posted accurate photos?  When that happens I leave as soon as I can and block them.  They ARE being deceptive and its WRONG.

[Weezy1973]

48 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I wasn’t the one who brought up deception. I said that the issue was that these men are meeting someone  different than what they expected from the pictures.

Again, if she looked better in person (not what they expected), do you think they still would not have wanted a second date? It was because they weren’t attracted to her. Nothing to do with expectations. If she had exceeded their expectations, they would have wanted a second date.

[CLS63AMG]

29 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Again, if she looked better in person (not what they expected), do you think they still would not have wanted a second date? It was because they weren’t attracted to her. Nothing to do with expectations. If she had exceeded their expectations, they would have wanted a second date.

What are you even on about bud?  She has admitted she used old photos (as I called it on page 1) and that's the issue.  If anyone shows up better looking its a bonus and you're most likely getting a second date. 

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Again I ask. If the person was better looking in person, would anyone be upset. If the “deception” were the other way? I suspect not.

 

No argument from me here. Just none of the fit / slim men she was choosing apparently. Like attracts like as a general rule. An overweight fit man may have found her attractive. She wasn’t interested in overweight men.

 

I would be bothered by it were it dramatically different than the profile.  To me it’s about trust.  What else have you told me was not true.

 

I have first hand experience here.  About 25yrs ago I met someone online. It wasn’t through a dating site but through AOL chatrooms.  She didn’t tell me something about her, so it made me question everything else.  It’s something if she told me from the start I would have been fine with.  

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, CLS63AMG said:

What are you even on about bud?  She has admitted she used old photos (as I called it on page 1) and that's the issue.  If anyone shows up better looking its a bonus and you're most likely getting a second date. 

I don’t think it’s the oldphotis if all she shared was head shots.  Had she shared fully body pics thrn saw her now probably would be an issue.  
 

for some they were polite and see how it goes before netting her.

 

withothers it might have been how she was on the date like having a guard up and not flirting so he felt no chemistry there for a 2nd date.

 

ieonder how many she nextedwho might have had a few pounds too.

 

 

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I don’t think it’s the oldphotis if all she shared was head shots.  Had she shared fully body pics thrn saw her now probably would be an issue.

Excess weight shows up in the face and neck. Thin people have thin faces. Most people can judge whether a person is fat or thin by just looking at the face, full body shots are not needed to assess weight. These guys will have assumed she was thin from her face pics.
Had the head shots been recent, then there may not have not been so much of an issue. Her face would match the pics and her body. 
She presented herself as a thin person, but was two and a half stones heavier in reality. 

As all a person has to go on on  OLD is pics, then they have to be as accurate as possible.  They have to match the image you want to project.
One cannot present an image on OLD of clean cut, tatt free, suited and booted, to show up with long hair, a beard, scruffy jeans and a body covered in tatts and expect success.. 

[Wiseman2]

You need a better strategy. A good profile on quality sites with recently pics. Close-up, full-length and candid. That's only 3 surely you can manage.

Then, have good screening practices. Rule out red flags 🚩 early.

Message a few times then set up the meeting. Make the meeting fun and brief. Make sure you are enthused and act like it.

Don't drag yourself to any old crap. Be selective. Don't meet anyone who doesn't meet your basic criteria.

Make sure you're not a Tinderella. Mindlessly swiping and meeting anyone and anything.

[miss2017]

25 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Excess weight shows up in the face and neck. Thin people have thin faces. Most people can judge whether a person is fat or thin by just looking at the face, full body shots are not needed to assess weight. These guys will have assumed she was thin from her face pics.
Had the head shots been recent, then there may not have not been so much of an issue. Her face would match the pics and her body. 
She presented herself as a thin person, but was two and a half stones heavier in reality. 

As all a person has to go on on  OLD is pics, then they have to be as accurate as possible.  They have to match the image you want to project.
One cannot present an image on OLD of clean cut, tatt free, suited and booted, to show up with long hair, a beard, scruffy jeans and a body covered in tatts and expect success.. 

I do have recent head shots of me in my profile. I just do not look extra fat in my face and neck, I look normal. Maybe I don't even look that fat, it's just to me I do because I am not used to it and don't recognise myself. 

Wouldn't all of this be solved with a video call before meeting up in person?