Guys do not want to meet me again after the first date

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Why not take and post some recent pictures.  Some guys don't mind a woman with a "little meat on their bones".

Yes, and OP if you’re prone to fluctuating weight, it might be worth having pictures of the full range. If this is a one off because of Covid, then I’d wait until you get back to your normal weight. 
 

But again, how was your dating life before the weight gain? 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Weezy1973

[miss2017]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes, and OP if you’re prone to fluctuating weight, it might be worth having pictures of the full range. If this is a one off because of Covid, then I’d weight until you get back to your normal weight. 
 

But again, how was your dating life before the weight gain? 

I never fluctuated weight before in my life!

I used to have a very active life and the lockdown was a killer. I gained weight like crazy and could not believe it! 

I even went to the doctor because I was really concerned. He said there’s nothing wrong with me, my metabolism slowed down and that was it. I am working with a wonderful personal trainer and seeing results.

Before the weight gain I wasn’t dating since I ended a relationship last year and felt like taking a few months off to heal and be with myself.

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I think you need to go back and read my post where I explain I wasn’t deceiving anyone on purpose and only recently realised my photos on OLD were before the weight gain.

Ok even I'm wondering how one doesn't realize the pics they're uploading are older pics. 

But whatever, you're aware now so going forward, keep everything real and genuine.  

Gained a few?  Upload those pics  and let chips fall where they may...

Try it, see how it plays out, you might be surprised.

Edited November 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

25 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Actually my goal in having bought this house is investment. I don’t plan in living here forever.

I bought the house at a very good price because it needed lots of work, I did all the work and now I am living there and want to wait a few years because in a few years it’s going to value double. 

 

Great job!!  This is definitely a solid plan towards long term wealth and early retirement!!

[Miss Spider]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Re this deception thing, I find it extremely hard to believe that if someone showed up looking better in person than in their pics, their date would feel deceived.  That makes zero sense.  

I've had some men tell me I look prettier in person, that my pics didn't do me justice, my fiance told me this as a matter of fact! ❤️ 

Trail Blazer has posted his girlfriend looked way better in person than her pics.

When it's the other way around it's a let down, a turn off.  The attractive image one had created based on pics, did not match with not so attractive reality.  

Next. 

 

That’s not the point I was trying to make though. I wasn’t trying to say that someone would find it deceptive if someone looked the same but a better version of that. That’s not what happened here and  isn’t analogous to what happened here. 30 pounds can transform a person’s looks. Not necessarily better. Not necessarily worse. The point is that it is fundamentally different. I can use a very extreme example to illustrate my point. If I was talking to an average guy who I really really liked and I found cute, not gorgeous but cute, and then we agreed to meet up on a date. And a guy that looked like Jason Momoa showed up. Yes, he is attractive physically, no lie, possibly objectively more than the guy I was talking to, but I wouldn’t want that. I would want the guy that I was talking to that looked away way that I thought he looked and  I expected. If he showed up as a different looking man, but very very sexy I would still be alarmed. And I would next him because that’s a red flag of deception 

 

 

obviously, guys in this case probably felt it much less so. However, I don’t think we should assume it was a always more attractive/less attractive thing and never a feeling they were misled intentionally 

 

 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

Someone made a really great post about self-esteem/confidence being something people who have dealt with weight issues struggling with. I wish I could find it but I think it was deleted? Anyway, I would guess that that factors into it as well. OP you have repeatedly said that you do not feel comfortable in your own skin. You do not feel like you are yourself. Of course that is going to bleed through on your dates too. You won’t be presenting your best self because you don’t feel your best self and you won’t be attracting guys into that. I think working on your self-image internally might be helpful

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

That’s not the point I was trying to make though. I wasn’t trying to say that someone would find it deceptive if someone looked the same but a better version of that. That’s not what happened here and  isn’t analogous to what happened here. 30 pounds can transform a person’s looks. Not necessarily better. Not necessarily worse. The point is that it is fundamentally different. I can use a very extreme example to illustrate my point. If I was talking to an average guy who I really really liked and I found cute, not gorgeous but cute, and then we agreed to meet up on a date. And a guy that looked like Jason Momoa showed up. Yes, he is attractive physically, no lie, possibly objectively more than the guy I was talking to, but I wouldn’t want that. I would want the guy that I was talking to that looked away way that I thought he looked and  I expected. If he showed up as a different looking man, but very very sexy I would still be alarmed. And I would next him because that’s a red flag of deception 

obviously, guys in this case probably felt it much less so. However, I don’t think we should assume it was a always more attractive/less attractive thing and never a feeling they were misled intentionally 

Thanks ss, I wasn't necessarily referring to anything you posted per se, and I realize that's not what happened here, but I understand.    

[miss2017]

56 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Ok even I'm wondering how one doesn't realize the pics they're uploading are older pics. 

But whatever, you're aware now so going forward, keep everything real and genuine.  

Gained a few?  Upload those pics  and let chips fall where they may...

Try it, see how it plays out, you might be surprised.

Because when I uploaded them it was my normal weight in the beginning of the year. I have said that before.

I am not uploading full body pics of me now because THAT would be misleading on purpose. Let’s say a guy see my pics and loves how I look now, how would he feel if in a couple of months I weight and look very different from that? Makes no sense.

I prefer to focus my energy on taking care of me now and date later.

Edited November 15, 2020 by miss2017

[miss2017]

32 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Someone made a really great post about self-esteem/confidence being something people who have dealt with weight issues struggling with. I wish I could find it but I think it was deleted? Anyway, I would guess that that factors into it as well. OP you have repeatedly said that you do not feel comfortable in your own skin. You do not feel like you are yourself. Of course that is going to bleed through on your dates too. You won’t be presenting your best self because you don’t feel your best self and you won’t be attracting guys into that. I think working on your self-image internally might be helpful

Yes that is true. I was not my full best self on the dates. I am working on losing the weight.

[poppyfields]

12 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Because when I uploaded them it was my normal weight in the beginning of the year. I have said that before.

I am not uploading full body pics of me now because THAT would be misleading on purpose. Let’s say a guy see my pics and loves how I look now, how would he feel if in a couple of months I weight and look very different from that? Makes no sense.

I prefer to focus my energy on taking care of me now and date later.

Ok thnx for clarifying.  Apologies for missing but you were inconsistent at times about a few things, and it was a bit confusing to follow.  But makes sense.  

I understand your second paragraph.  I have an acquaintance who uploaded pics when she was heavier, found a boyfriend and a couple of months into the relationship, she went on a diet and lost around 15 lbs and he had all sorts of issues with it!

Saying he was attracted to her as she was when he met her, etc.  

So yes that is a valid point!  

[Chilli]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

My point wasn’t that it was realistic to think people would look better in person than in their pictures. It was that attraction matters on a first date regardless of expectations when determining whether or not to ask someone out again.

If you found someone more attractive in person (doesn’t necessarily only have to do with looks /pics), they were better than you expected, you would want to see them again. It’s only the cases where people are less attractive in person where there’s no second date. 

Yep , this is why l always suggest to people just use everyday pics, you as you are. Better not to playing it up too much imo, then they'll get a nice surprise , instead of an Ohhhhh,,  ok , sorry but but but.  !

Edited November 15, 2020 by Chilli

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

Actually my goal in having bought this house is investment. I don’t plan in living here forever.

I bought the house at a very good price because it needed lots of work, I did all the work and now I am living there and want to wait a few years because in a few years it’s going to value double. 

Then my plan is to sell or rent it and buy another house that is bigger to live in another location. 

And maybe will do the same again, who knows!?

That is not incompatible with a relationship. 

And someone who only knows ‘I own a house’ has no idea of my intentions.

This IS a factor in dating if you live in a large metro area. Be careful of bring up owning a home especially if this person  lives 30+ mins away from  you.  
 

what about long term dating an expecting eho has to go to whose plthus can be a driver in not perusing  a relationship.  For example if he lived in the same suburb he might try a 2nd date snd take a chance. You live 30+ min away, why bother—especially if this didn’t feel like a big connection or spark.

[Chilli]

2 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Because I do mind and I don’t want to deceive anyone when I am in the process of losing that weight.

But you've gotta be real , doesn't matter if you plan on getting weight down , this is you now, that's who they'll meet.

And the house thing , forget about it that's great , and your being really smart about it too good for you. Back in the day l met one chick had 5 houses and right when we met she was buying a 6th. l couldn't giva damn , bonus really in some ways. But supposing l did go on seeing her , which l didn't , she was a real sweetie but just not really my thing., it wouldn't be the  6 houses but the thing there for me would be- l don't want 6 houses and l'd have zero interest in living like l should keep up with her financially , because l'm quite content with what l've got and living the way l do. So supposing l did go on seeing her , if she was fine with that then she could have 20 house l couldn't care less, but if there was gonna be any of that bs then forget it, not interested.

And guys are well aware of the double standards with a lot of women when it comes to income or wealth, they're even all over ls worried or complaining he doesn't earn as much - or they aren't gonna carry him or ra ra ra. lt's nothing to do with intimidation , it's about the bs and not being interested in living with it when they're quite content like l was , living mine. And then there's lifestyle itself , if he's well off she just expects he's happy to pay the differences and won't care but if it's her that's well off , they even complain about that all over ls too and how she wants to be able to have her holidays and restaurants and cars or however she lives and again dosn't wanna be carrying him.  Guys know all this , we aren't idiots. She doesn't realize we've probably known dozens or even 100s of women and seen it all , and their attitudes are all over the internet too. So it's pickable and figured out in seconds if that will be the case and he;ll be thinking right there and then whether he could be fkd with the bs that's gonna be involved down the track if he starts seeing her.

 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Chilli

[miss2017]

11 hours ago, Chilli said:

But you've gotta be real , doesn't matter if you plan on getting weight down , this is you now, that's who they'll meet.

And the house thing , forget about it that's great , and your being really smart about it too good for you. Back in the day l met one chick had 5 houses and right when we met she was buying a 6th. l couldn't giva damn , bonus really in some ways. But supposing l did go on seeing her , which l didn't , she was a real sweetie but just not really my thing., it wouldn't be the  6 houses but the thing there for me would be- l don't want 6 houses and l'd have zero interest in living like l should keep up with her financially , because l'm quite content with what l've got and living the way l do. So supposing l did go on seeing her , if she was fine with that then she could have 20 house l couldn't care less, but if there was gonna be any of that bs then forget it, not interested.

And guys are well aware of the double standards with a lot of women when it comes to income or wealth, they're even all over ls worried or complaining he doesn't earn as much - or they aren't gonna carry him or ra ra ra. lt's nothing to do with intimidation , it's about the bs and not being interested in living with it when they're quite content like l was , living mine. And then there's lifestyle itself , if he's well off she just expects he's happy to pay the differences and won't care but if it's her that's well off , they even complain about that all over ls too and how she wants to be able to have her holidays and restaurants and cars or however she lives and again dosn't wanna be carrying him.  Guys know all this , we aren't idiots. She doesn't realize we've probably known dozens or even 100s of women and seen it all , and their attitudes are all over the internet too. So it's pickable and figured out in seconds if that will be the case and he;ll be thinking right there and then whether he could be fkd with the bs that's gonna be involved down the track if he starts seeing her.

 

That is why there are people who are compatible and people who are not.

To me it's not even about how much money you have in your bank account or how many houses you own. It's about the mindset. I could not be with a man who is lazy or wants to be in his comfort zone and not live to his full potential and his best life. Just could not. Because I am focused on living my best life and out of my comfort zone and live to my full potential, so anyone who is not in this mindset would only drag me down or stop my growth. I need someone who thinks similar to me and has the same life goals.

So to me it's not about the money, it's about doing what you love in life and growing. But I must say that money usually likes to follow that and that is great. I do love my lifestyle and the travel and nice restaurants and hotels, etc. So I will not play small to accommodate a man who does not have the same lifestyle because I did work hard for it. So I need a man who is compatible with me.

I think that's what dating is for. And having said that I just realised now how ridiculous it is for me to go on a date with a man who is living with his mom or in a job he hates, etc. 

 

Edited November 16, 2020 by miss2017

[Wiseman2]

Have you tried some quality/paid dating apps where you can screen, select criteria and only communicate and meet those who are a better match?

This way you are not swiping through useless apps. If you are an ambitious homeowner, then get on more elite apps.

As far as pictures, post recent facial, candid and full length shots. 

Be confident and be who you are now not then or maybe in the future. Either someone accepts you as you are and they communicate or you move on.

[Andy_K]

20 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Because when I uploaded them it was my normal weight in the beginning of the year. I have said that before.

I am not uploading full body pics of me now because THAT would be misleading on purpose. Let’s say a guy see my pics and loves how I look now, how would he feel if in a couple of months I weight and look very different from that? Makes no sense.

I prefer to focus my energy on taking care of me now and date later.

Why not upload both?

Mention in your profile that the heavier picture is what you look like now, and the lighter picture is what you looked like before lockdown, and will again in a few months. If a guy isn't willing to read your profile and take notice of that, he's not a guy you want to be dating anyway.

There is a huge difference between meeting someone who is open and honest about their weight and is actively making progress on it, and meeting someone who's just much bigger than their online pictures. In the latter case you would naturally infer that not only are they deceptive, but they're also going to stay the same size or get bigger.

Edited November 16, 2020 by Andy_K

[MrPlop]

21 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Someone made a really great post about self-esteem/confidence being something people who have dealt with weight issues struggling with. I wish I could find it but I think it was deleted? Anyway, I would guess that that factors into it as well. OP you have repeatedly said that you do not feel comfortable in your own skin. You do not feel like you are yourself. Of course that is going to bleed through on your dates too. You won’t be presenting your best self because you don’t feel your best self and you won’t be attracting guys into that. I think working on your self-image internally might be helpful

Yeah no idea why they deleted my post a PM would've been nice, hopefully OP didn't find it offensive.
I said people that are overweight are usually self conscious and afraid of being hurt and that can lead to being always on the defensive or "keeping your wall up". So you go on a date and have zero expectations of a positive outcome, that's self procrastination and self sabotage. They almost make no effort to "look nice" (in the sense of being at their best physically and behavior during the date). I know this because I've always been somewhat overweight all of my life and I always tend to quickly dismiss anyone interested in me.
 

21 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Because when I uploaded them it was my normal weight in the beginning of the year. I have said that before.

I am not uploading full body pics of me now because THAT would be misleading on purpose. Let’s say a guy see my pics and loves how I look now, how would he feel if in a couple of months I weight and look very different from that? Makes no sense.

I prefer to focus my energy on taking care of me now and date later.

OP if you got time to go online and spend 10 mins go through a guy's bio, look at his pics and initiate a combo you got 5 mins to constantly update new pics every few weeks.

Edited November 16, 2020 by MrPlop

[Versacehottie]

On 11/10/2020 at 2:01 PM, miss2017 said:

One thing I notice that all these guys have in common is the lack of effort.

- They all invite for the boring coffee first date. 
- They all say for me to choose the place.

And I guess I just realised what the problem here is. 

I sense their lack of effort and I lose interest. But I still go on the date. But I go on the date already feeling ‘if they are not making the effort why should I?’.

 

I am only part of the way through this thread but I would say that Lack of Effort on either person's part is indicative of Low Interest.  It can be the cause or the result or a little of both.  What do you expect when you are both phoning it in and treating it like a business meeting in a way?  

It's like which comes first the chicken or the egg.  Perhaps your lack of interest, enthusiasm is what causes them to give low effort.  Also if you approach dating on the whole this way and as a chore, it's bound to seep through.  And I have to say you are dead wrong about guys/people just accepting you "as you are".  That will come eventually but sorry you need to present well to begin with.  There are ways to do this without feeling like a sellout or being inauthentic.  Guys are usually attracted physically first and then get to know you.  There are a lot of varieties of physical attraction--so a wide range for you to work within.  That's the part similar to a job interview or audition that maybe you should apply and venue of date is something you've been doing similar to a job interview that you should chuck out.

[Versacehottie]

On 11/10/2020 at 11:08 PM, miss2017 said:

Now I understand why I don’t get second dates.

99% of men in that app want easy sex. I do not give easy sex vibes at all because I a woman of value. So they move along to another easy woman. 

So I guess not having a second date from this type of guys is actually a good sign.

Hmmmm so how many first dates are you getting?  Statistically especially the larger the sample is you can't just blame it externally on the guys, when the common denominator is you.  Apologies if someone has said this throughout this thread.  If you want to keep blaming the outside world, yet are here asking for us to help you solve this mystery, it doesn't make much sense to ignore the obvious--that the common denominator is you.  I'm only 4 pages into the thread and see some glaring mistakes that you can work on.

I would also add that dating is not quite like a math equation or formula where both quantities (ie you and him) are FIXED entities.  Such as 2 + 2=4.  It's more like art where you want to give you undefinable best (the art part) and do the math part (like push the statistics your way with the choices you make, not just with people but your actions) and then hope you find chemistry with a guy who is doing similarly and add in the magic dust of timing.  But you can push things to your favor and that is part you are missing the mark on for sure.

ps so about tinder, don't you find it odd that whether or not you wanted a second date with these guys, that they didn't want a date with you?  If you take the premise that a guy on tinder is generally after a hookup (though possibly open to more), and he is having a decent to good time with you and you are a living, breathing girl who (all things considered IS all these things her photos and prior chatting would have shown), he is basically "this" close to getting what he wants, and a second date would be the chance he needs.  Also if you had been charming and match your photos, he might want to see you again because you are showing him there is more to you, more value and he just wants to--rethinks just hooking up and is enticed by you.  If you are here asking for answers to the title of your thread it makes sense to look at both sides of the coin.  I would say while sometimes your assessment within the thread could be true, not always is it true.  Some of it is back on you.  Also typically, the dynamic when you are not interested in a guy, there is a percentage of those who become MORE interested.  So something's not completely adding up with your view that it's not you at all.

Edited November 17, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

On 11/14/2020 at 9:20 AM, miss2017 said:

It could have something to do with looks... I was looking at my profile photos on OLD and realised all my photos are from the beginning of this year and no full body photos.

I have gained weight after those photos (33 pounds), which is a lot and altered my shape. Maybe they are expecting a skinny elegant woman and I am a little chubby at the moment.

I am working with a personal trainer at the gym and have already lost 8 pounds but still have more to go.

I think that affects my confidence and it could be it, although I believe that if a man really liked me on the date he would like to see me again, despite my weight...

ok good for have an honest assessment with yourself.  I think you've probably pinpointed not the reason EVERY guy didn't ask you on a second date but certainly why a high percentage of them didn't.  I don't say this to be mean at all.  But people get expectations, and then they would maybe get dashed and it's a letdown.  You want the experience with the guy on a first date to be a pleasant surprise and that there is more beneath the surface and by the "surface" not being what was expected, they probably don't get much past that.  Not to say all people are shallow but the first threshold of interest is usually physical attraction.  We've read it here on the site often enough and I know my guy friends (and girlfriends) have all complained if people don't have accurate photos.  So that is just the reality of dating.

I like that you are tackling it head on right away.  It's bound to affect your confidence and how you present from the inside out as well as the physical side.  Of course, a guy who is in love with you will probably regardless but you have to be a couple i think before that type of mindset sets in, just being real...people connect with first on more surface levels to THEN get to know you and feel like they want to weather ebbs and flows of life with you.  it totally makes sense.  On a first date you are a stranger effectively and...not as promised.  It would be the rare guy who looks past that. Also if I were in their shoes, I would question the character of someone who either tried to get away with this or was not in touch with themselves that she didn't know (most people will assume the dishonesty version).

Great that you are working out--that will get you in sync with your body and motivated.  Put a lot of attention toward healthy eating--most weight loss (80% of) is due to what you eat and being in a caloric deficit.  Good luck

[Versacehottie]

On 11/14/2020 at 9:54 AM, miss2017 said:

The thing is, when talking online I tell the guys I love to work out and etc, and they probably think I am not skinny but fit. And you can tell I am over weight at the moment. So might be the surprise factor yes.

No the guys weren't overweight, they were fit because as I love sports and to be active, I always try to meet guys who like it too.

Just have to say that is going to fall under the category of misrepresentation.  Just saying.  It would be the common perception.  You want a guy who values his body and is into fitness and health, ie presenting himself his best but you don't see anything wrong with showing up different than your old photos, in way that shows you "sometimes or inconsistently" take care of your health and fitness and take it or leave it attitude?  It doesn't compute.  To get your best match especially with what you say you want of these dates, you have to bring the equivalent.

If you really want a guy to like you for you and "you're not your fat%" and take it or leave it attitude, post accurate photos and go on those dates.  I think you will get a different caliber of guys in the looks department, but maybe not the soul department--and you want him to judge you thusly, so be willing to be transparent about who you are and being a work in progress (which I think everyone is but you can't expect then to ignore what is right in front of them; it's a form of dishonesty).

 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

On 11/14/2020 at 11:47 AM, miss2017 said:

I get that, but as I said I do not recognize myself in this weight so don’t want to put pictures of me at this moment.

So you should put your dating via apps on hold for now then.  Either until you represent the photos you've posted or feel comfortable posting new photos.  It's a bit disingenuous and unfair of you to waste people's time like this. 

And of course, few people would say to your face that this is the reason but 80% of them, I'm guessing it's the reason.

[Versacehottie]

On 11/15/2020 at 1:22 AM, miss2017 said:

I do have recent head shots of me in my profile. I just do not look extra fat in my face and neck, I look normal. Maybe I don't even look that fat, it's just to me I do because I am not used to it and don't recognise myself. 

Wouldn't all of this be solved with a video call before meeting up in person?

A majority of guys will probably agree to the video call to screen EXACTLY that--that you look like your photos and you won't.  And then basically you would be here asking why don't any of my video chats turn into first dates?  I'm legit not trying to be mean but it seems like you have your head in the sand about this issue/deception and naively think you can work around it, all with still a little more deception rather than blatant honesty.  Yet that is exactly what you were on about in the first pages saying you mainly needed to screen better.  Idk, there's something off-putting about a girl who thinks she is too good for the chubby or not perfect looking guy but is faking her own look--don't you see that?

[miss2017]

22 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

A majority of guys will probably agree to the video call to screen EXACTLY that--that you look like your photos and you won't.  And then basically you would be here asking why don't any of my video chats turn into first dates?  I'm legit not trying to be mean but it seems like you have your head in the sand about this issue/deception and naively think you can work around it, all with still a little more deception rather than blatant honesty.  Yet that is exactly what you were on about in the first pages saying you mainly needed to screen better.  Idk, there's something off-putting about a girl who thinks she is too good for the chubby or not perfect looking guy but is faking her own look--don't you see that?

I’ve never said I ‘am too good for the chubby’ and I never faked my looks. I suggest you read the entire thread.

[Versacehottie]

2 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I’ve never said I ‘am too good for the chubby’ and I never faked my looks. I suggest you read the entire thread.

ohhh i did🤐🙄