Guys do not want to meet me again after the first date

[Miss Spider]

3 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

This reminds me of this guy I went out on a date with back in June. In his pictures, he was tall, handsome, looked like he had good shoulders, a ready smile.

When he showed up to my place, I was like...... "Harpo, who dis man?"

SO different from his pictures. But referring back to them, I could tell it WAS him. He wasn't catfishing.  Maybe they were just older pictures, maybe it was the lighting, I don't know. But he looked really handsome, with a boyish energy in his pics, but showing up.....I got Doc from Snow White.

Dead xD 

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

 

This reminds me of this guy I went out on a date with back in June. In his pictures, he was tall, handsome, looked like he had good shoulders, a ready smile.

When he showed up to my place, I was like...... "Harpo, who dis man?"

SO different from his pictures. But referring back to them, I could tell it WAS him. He wasn't catfishing.  Maybe they were just older pictures, maybe it was the lighting, I don't know. But he looked really handsome, with a boyish energy in his pics, but showing up.....I got Doc from Snow White.

Don't beat me up, but I swear it's was his "energy."   May sound hokey but I totally believe in it.  One's energy can change their entire look from great looking to meh. Same person!  It's intangible, you can't put your finger on it, but like you said, the face is the same, the body is the same, but hell you simply don't find him as great looking in person as you did on line, like a completely different person!

This has happened to me plenty of times too!  I recall one guy from years ago I had been chatting with who was super good looking in his pics! Our vibe was great too, but when I met him in person, I was like "ugh" I could not get away from this person fast enough!  I mean he almost repulsed me, it was the weirdest thing ever!   

He looked the same but had a completely different vibe in person and it changed my entire opinion of him, including his looks.  He suddenly became ugly to me and like I said I could not get away from him fast enough.

My only explanation for that was that he had REALLY bad energy. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[ThereSheGoes]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Don't beat me up, but I swear it's was his "energy."   May sound hokey but I totally believe in it.  One's energy can change their entire look from great looking to meh. Same person!  It's intangible, you can't put your finger on it, but like you said, the face is the same, the body is the same, but hell you simply don't find him as great looking in person as you did on line, like a completely different person!

This has happened to me plenty of times too!  I recall one guy from years ago I had been chatting with who was super good looking in his pics! Our vibe was great too, but when I met him in person, I was like "ugh" I could not get away from this person fast enough!  I mean he almost repulsed me, it was the weirdest thing ever!   

He looked the same but had a complete different vibe in person and it changed my entire opinion of him, including his looks.  He suddenly became ugly and like I said I could not get away from him fast enough.

My only explanation for that was that he had REALLY bad energy. 

 

It could have been! I also have met some guys who I thought was really attractive, met up with them, still was physically attractive, but there was just something about them that made me go, Ew.

I think some people forget about the 'energy' part.

[gamon]

Clearly something is wrong if every single guy who meets you declines a repeat. You know this otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread.

There's not enough information available to answer your question but I have little doubt that if I was still dating and I met you I would find something very off-putting about you.

 

You just need to figure out what it is.

 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, gamon said:

There's not enough information available to answer your question but I have little doubt that if I was still dating and I met you I would find something very off-putting about you.

Telling.  

[miss2017]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

You know miss, this may not be a factor (or it might be), but reading through this thread, I noticed you have not "liked" or "thanked" one person for their post.  Everyone has chimed in to try and help and not one thanks.

Like I said I don't know if it means anything, but imo it does reflect a bit of a standoffish attitude.  I am not judging you and mean no offense, it's simply an observation.  And if you're coming off this way on your own thread, where folks have taken the time to respond and help you, one has to wonder if you unintentionally are coming off this way on your first meets too.

You posted you are "nice" on these first meets.  What do you mean by this?  How are you nice?

Again, trying to help you figure this out, I mean no offense by it whatsoever.

I'm so sorry, I meant to thank everyone, I was just at work and couldn't come here!

But thank you to you and everyone else, reading your replies made me think a lot about how I come across on dates.

I am engaging, I talk about myself and my life, I also ask questions about them, I smile, I say jokes and have banter. So, yes I think I am nice overall. What I don't think I am is very sexual or flirting. I don't play with my hair or touch them, or whatever. 

I don't massage their egos in any way. Maybe I do come across in a standoffish way in that manner, like I don't give a f***. Because I don't. I believe that if I meet the right man, the connection will be there and we just feel it. 

The last guy I dated gave me the feedback that he didn't know the whole date how I was feeling about him. So why didn't he just ASKED? 

I am taking a break from OLD as I am exhausted from first dates and ghosting.

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I don't massage their egos in any way. Maybe I do come across in a standoffish way in that manner, like I don't give a f***. Because I don't. I believe that if I meet the right man, the connection will be there and we just feel it. 

The last guy I dated gave me the feedback that he didn't know the whole date how I was feeling about him. So why didn't he just ASKED? 

You don't have to "massage his ego", but if you literally don't give a F when you're on a date, it's no surprise that you fail.  And frankly, it's very likely that you've met the right man but put him off with your approach.  Let me be clear: Mr Right isn't going to ask Miss I Don't Give a F for a second date.

Also it's not your date's job to ask you how you're feeling about him.   If you like someone, it's expected that you warm and show enthusiasm for your time spent with him.    It's social skills 101.

But good job in asking why he won't date you again - feedback from the source is far better than guesswork from us.   

Edited November 10, 2020 by basil67

[Miss Spider]

31 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

IThe last guy I dated gave me the feedback that he didn't know the whole date how I was feeling about him. So why didn't he just ASKED? 

I am taking a break from OLD as I am exhausted from first dates and ghosting.

Though it’s far from a deterrent for every guy, this sounds like you come across maybe too standoffish and aloof on your dates. They may not feel there is much reciprocal interest there, so they don’t bother asking you for a second date. People need a little bit of a sign you like them. They don’t want to get rejected or waste their time 
 

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[miss2017]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You don't have to "massage his ego", but if you literally don't give a F when you're on a date, it's no surprise that you fail.  And frankly, it's very likely that you've met the right man but put him off with your approach.  Let me be clear: Mr Right isn't going to ask Miss I Don't Give a F for a second date.

Also it's not your date's job to ask you how you're feeling about him.   If you like someone, it's expected that you warm and show enthusiasm for your time spent with him.    It's social skills 101.

But good job in asking why he won't date you again - feedback from the source is far better than guesswork from us.   

When I say I don't give a f*** is not that I don't care about them or the date. It's more I don't give a f*** to be someone I am not just to please them. But I still do give a f*** to have a good time, a nice conversation, getting to know each other, etc. I am engaged during the date and I do care. 

I do think Mr Right wouldn't pass me.

Edited November 10, 2020 by miss2017

[Miss Spider]

In the conversation, but do you show verbal or nonverbal interest in them? Do you smile a lot?

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

The last guy I dated gave me the feedback that he didn't know the whole date how I was feeling about him.   So why didn't he just ASKED?

So I was right, it is your energy/vibe, you are appearing to these men as standoffish, albeit unintentionally. 

Re the bolded, this is not a realistic expectation.  A guy asking you how you're feeling is extremely needy, especially during or after the first meet.  Not gonna happen.

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[ThereSheGoes]

Again, this just  goes back to being high energy, engaging, flirty. You have to constantly show clues that you

22 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

When I say I don't give a f*** is not that I don't care about them or the date. It's more I don't give a f*** to be someone I am not just to please them. But I still do give a f*** to have a good time, a nice conversation, getting to know each other, etc. I am engaged during the date and I do care. 

I do think Mr Right wouldn't pass me.

Unfortunately, you have to sorta play the game with these men on the first couple of dates. There's truth to the saying that the first couple of months of dating, you're not meeting the real them, you're meeting their representative. You don't start seeing the real glimmers of them until, 4, 5, 6 months down the road. You have to be the best version of yourself on the first few dates, or else.....they won't be interested.

Stupid, I know.

But thats how it is. You wouldn't show up as every day you, in your every day clothes and makeup to a job interview, would you?

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

Maybe I do come across in a standoffish way in that manner, like I don't give a f***. Because I don't. I believe that if I meet the right man, the connection will be there and we just feel it. 

miss, I'm confused about this^.  If you don't feel a connection, and as a result have this "I don't give a f***" attitude, then why do you care that they don't ask for a second date?   You're not into them either, so just keep going until you find a man with whom you mutually click!  Easy peasy!

There is another poster on this forum, who did OLD for three years until she found her guy.

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[mortensorchid]

I have thought about things similar myself when dealing with the whole OLD thing, let alone dating in general.  Here are a few things where I know if and when the situation will turn out to be a complete and total disaster:

1) Choice of meeting - When you have decided to meet up, if the man says to you that he will leave that to you (the woman), then it's a go no where situation.  Ask him "What places do you frequent?", "Where are you coming from?", "Do you like Mexican food?", etc.  If he is coming from a great distance and has NO IDEA what the geography is like (although that would be a strange situation) near you and has NO IDEA how to even do some basic research, then he's not worth your time.  He's a wimp or he isn't interested enough in you or any other woman out there.

2) Behavior during the date - If he's late showing up, if he doesn't bother to call/text telling you he's going to be late, if he doesn't even bother to order himself a drink, then he's not worth your time and energy either.  He's socially awkward and doesn't know how to treat a woman (let alone others) right or even halfway decent.  If these things are not issues, pay attention to what you are talking about : Are you (the woman) always asking him questions about him?  Is he silent and doesn't even bother to do/say anything other than what he's told?  If so, he's a weak man.  Once years ago I went out with this guy on an OLD and when I asked him why he decided to sign up on the website and what he was looking for, he said "I need something else to do other than play cards with my buddies on Saturday night."  Sad.  I don't know why he thought I (or any other woman) could fix that for him, because he simply didn't have the gumption to do much with himself.

3) Exit - If he doesn't walk you to your car, even offer a handshake, or, godforbid, walk away from you and say "Bye", it's done.  These things happened to me on a lot of OLDs.  Why?  I truly don't know, except that they were bad guys.  You have to wonder sometimes how these guys treat others in their lives - friends, siblings, parents, etc. - who weren't you.  

It's hard, I will not say it isn't, but these kind of encounters tell you what kind of people they really are.  I think I have wondered at times "Were people always like this but I just didn't notice it?" or if I was sheltered from the world in this way.  Just be happy.  I am convinced I am destined for a lone wolf status for my whole life, but if someone doesn't want to join me by my side, that's their loss.  Keep moving forward ... 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

The last guy I dated gave me the feedback that he didn't know the whole date how I was feeling about him. So why didn't he just ASKED? 

Actually this just sounds like an excuse to me, not the real reason.  It takes a lot to turn a guy off if he's physically attracted.  Something is off putting when they meet you in person.

[Miss Spider]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Actually this just sounds like an excuse to me, not the real reason.  It takes a lot to turn a guy off if he's physically attracted.  Something is off putting when they meet you in person.

Yeah... that’s a good point. ,,this actually sounds like really flimsy excuse. Also,  if that was the only thing, once he got it figured out that you were interested and it was a misunderstanding,  he would have wanted to keep seeing you. 
 

“so why didn’t you ask me for a second date?” 
“I didn’t know how how you felt about me”

*crickets*

???

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

you’re going to be hard-pressed to find someone who is going to be honest about the reason that they are rejecting you. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

The thing is, she admittedly wasn't into any of them either, no connection.  And also admittedly, presented an "I don't give a f***" vibe/attitude.

Guy Translation:  Not gettin any sex from this lady, next!  Lol

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this no second date business bothers her since she admittedly wasn't feelin it with any of them either.  I don't get it, is it ego?  What?  

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

When I say I don't give a f*** is not that I don't care about them or the date. It's more I don't give a f*** to be someone I am not just to please them. But I still do give a f*** to have a good time, a nice conversation, getting to know each other, etc. I am engaged during the date and I do care. 

I do think Mr Right wouldn't pass me.

I interpreted it a bit differently because of this clarification she gave. I think she was just trying to say that she “dgaf” about flattering or looking good to them, but instead being genuine on her dates and focusing on the conversation, having fun, and the connection. 
I also didn’t read that she was not feeling a connection with any particular person, but that she believes the right person would feel a connection back at her. I agree with all this.

Maybe I misunderstood though. Please provide more clarification. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

When I say I don't give a f*** is not that I don't care about them or the date. It's more I don't give a f*** to be someone I am not just to please them. But I still do give a f*** to have a good time, a nice conversation, getting to know each other, etc. I am engaged during the date and I do care. 

 

So why do you say that you might come across as 'standoffish"?

[miss2017]

39 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I have thought about things similar myself when dealing with the whole OLD thing, let alone dating in general.  Here are a few things where I know if and when the situation will turn out to be a complete and total disaster:

1) Choice of meeting - When you have decided to meet up, if the man says to you that he will leave that to you (the woman), then it's a go no where situation.  Ask him "What places do you frequent?", "Where are you coming from?", "Do you like Mexican food?", etc.  If he is coming from a great distance and has NO IDEA what the geography is like (although that would be a strange situation) near you and has NO IDEA how to even do some basic research, then he's not worth your time.  He's a wimp or he isn't interested enough in you or any other woman out there.

2) Behavior during the date - If he's late showing up, if he doesn't bother to call/text telling you he's going to be late, if he doesn't even bother to order himself a drink, then he's not worth your time and energy either.  He's socially awkward and doesn't know how to treat a woman (let alone others) right or even halfway decent.  If these things are not issues, pay attention to what you are talking about : Are you (the woman) always asking him questions about him?  Is he silent and doesn't even bother to do/say anything other than what he's told?  If so, he's a weak man.  Once years ago I went out with this guy on an OLD and when I asked him why he decided to sign up on the website and what he was looking for, he said "I need something else to do other than play cards with my buddies on Saturday night."  Sad.  I don't know why he thought I (or any other woman) could fix that for him, because he simply didn't have the gumption to do much with himself.

3) Exit - If he doesn't walk you to your car, even offer a handshake, or, godforbid, walk away from you and say "Bye", it's done.  These things happened to me on a lot of OLDs.  Why?  I truly don't know, except that they were bad guys.  You have to wonder sometimes how these guys treat others in their lives - friends, siblings, parents, etc. - who weren't you.  

It's hard, I will not say it isn't, but these kind of encounters tell you what kind of people they really are.  I think I have wondered at times "Were people always like this but I just didn't notice it?" or if I was sheltered from the world in this way.  Just be happy.  I am convinced I am destined for a lone wolf status for my whole life, but if someone doesn't want to join me by my side, that's their loss.  Keep moving forward ... 

Very good points!

So on my last date:

- The guy said it was up to me to choose the place to meet.

- I chose a coffee shop around where I live, he drove there and got lost. Called me on the phone and found out he was in the wrong coffee shop. Asked me if I could meet at a park instead!? I told him there are no parks around, and so he drove to the right coffee shop where I was.

- When he got there, I was already having a coffee because I’ve had to order something as I was sitting at that table for a long time. He arrived, the whole time he didn’t order anything for himself or asked if I wanted him to get me anything else either.

- We talked for some time and then he asked me to tell him a bad experience I had with meeting someone from OLD. I told him how once I met this guy for coffee and after 5 minutes the guy asked me to go to his house (for sex of course), and I told him no and the guy insisted several times until I left. After I told him this story, he abruptly ended our date asking where my car is and that he takes me there. I can only think he was also only fishing for sex and realised he won’t get what he wants with me after my story.

So yeah lots of red flags.

One thing I notice that all these guys have in common is the lack of effort.

- They all invite for the boring coffee first date. 
- They all say for me to choose the place.

And I guess I just realised what the problem here is. 

I sense their lack of effort and I lose interest. But I still go on the date. But I go on the date already feeling ‘if they are not making the effort why should I?’.

I guess what I need to do is do not go on the date when I feel this. 

I notice that guys on OLD do not make an effort in general and I need to stop feeding this crap.

I love a man who puts in the effort. Who has a strong masculine vibe and plans a nice date, decides where to go, etc. When I sense that effort, I relax in my feminine energy and am really my best self on the date. 

But yeah I don’t do much effort with a guy who does not either, who doesn’t even plan a date.

I guess I found the issue!

Edited November 10, 2020 by miss2017

[introverted1]

^^ Then maybe the answer is not to accept invitations from men whose initial planning isn't up to your standards.  Although, in the example you just gave, you say that he asked you to pick the place, so perhaps you could/should have countered with a drink rather than a coffee.  Half of the enjoyment and outcome of the date is on you.

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I interpreted it a bit differently because of this clarification she gave. I think she was just trying to say that she “dgaf” about flattering or looking good to them, but instead being genuine on her dates and focusing on the conversation, having fun, and the connection. 
I also didn’t read that she was not feeling a connection with any particular person, but that she believes the right person would feel a connection back at her. I agree with all this.

Maybe I misunderstood though. Please provide more clarification. 

Fair point, but then again, if she's engaging and presents a good vibe, then why would that one guy have told her he had no idea how she was feeling (i.e couldn't read her)?

Course he was only one guy.  And even if it was an excuse, he must have found something off-putting otherwise he would have asked her for a second date.  No?

shortskirts, do you think this all goes back to her pics not matching real life?  

Could be, I really only did OLD a short time and never experienced what she's experiencing.

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Not sure what it is. However, I will have to default back to the discrepancy with appearance online vs Irl because of the sharp drop in interest after meeting irl and this doesn’t happen with people she meets irl. 
I don’t believe men need overt sexuality on the first date to want to continue onto a second. Physical attraction alone is often enough barring any other outrageously negative behavior. Which I am assuming  OP doesn’t display. 

 

OP, you might not be vetting these men properly to begin with. You are going out on dates with men that you see showing low effort from the get/go. 
If you agree to get coffee, and you met at the coffee shop, yet he did not get a drink or offer you one, you can assume that he isn’t interested. From what I have heard, this is common behavior from a person that feels like there is nothing there, so why bother. Also people that feel like they have been misled.  Now, I don’t agree with this. I think that even if you don’t think there is something there from the get go. If you are at a coffee shop with a human being you should entertain their company for a while and make the best of it. But that is just my opinion

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[miss2017]

12 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

^^ Then maybe the answer is not to accept invitations from men whose initial planning isn't up to your standards.  Although, in the example you just gave, you say that he asked you to pick the place, so perhaps you could/should have countered with a drink rather than a coffee.  Half of the enjoyment and outcome of the date is on you.

I don’t like when guys invite me for coffee and tell me to pick a place. That shows low effort right from the start and it puts me off.

There was this one guy that invited me for a second and even a third date. You know what he did? For our first date he invited me for dinner, he chose the restaurante and did a reservation. He only didn’t pick me up because (for security reasons) I told him I prefer to drive there. 

My vibe was totally different in that date. I looked the part, I did my hair, makeup, was wearing heels, and I felt very feminine and my vibe was sexual. I’m sure he felt it because we kissed at the end of the date and he invited me for a second date.

But I felt effort from him, that masculine vibe that makes me feel feminine and sexual.

All the other guys were all the boring coffee date ‘you choose the place’, and so my vibe wasn’t there.

Not going on these kind of boring dates ever again.