Guys do not want to meet me again after the first date

[poppyfields]

28 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

In the past I used to have low self-esteem and no standards. I accepted all kind of guys and you bet I was having a LOT of second and third dates, because I was fun and open. 

I've also had bad experiences, so I have worked on my self-esteem and now yes, my standards are high. I do make an effort, I am not just sitting and waiting for them to make all the effort. But I do not do any effort if they don't either. Nowadays I can smell a rat from afar, and that way I avoid problems. I do not want clowns again in my life.

At the end of the day is not about "man chasing woman", it's not about chasing. It's about being open to the other person and making an effort. These "first date coffee" Tinder guys are minimal effort, and I am not a woman of minimal effort. I want a great guy and I want to be a great woman and partner for him too. 

I have worked hard on myself and I've got to a point where I want to be well treated and I don't settle. So please don't tell me I am entitled and have a crap attitude. I know where I have been before and I'm happy to have high standards now.

And yes, agree with leave Tinder lol.

Okay fair enough.  I didn't mean to offend, apologies.  It's just the sense I got from reading your posts.  My bad. 

So let me ask you, why do YOU think you're not being asked for second dates?  Surely, you must have some idea.

Serious question. 

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[miss2017]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Okay fair enough.  I didnt mean to offend, apologies.  It's just the sense I got from reading your posts.

So let me ask you, why do YOU think you're not being asked for second dates?  You must have dome idea.

Serious question. 

I think reading this thread and doing some inner questioning (and thank you everyone that responded to me), I think the main fact is these guys are not a match, and they feel it too.

Guys that live with their mom, unemployed, looking for something casual, etc, are not what I am looking for. I guess when I meet them in person they feel I will not cater to what they are looking for, so no second dates.

I feel I need to leave Tinder and go either on payed dating apps or meeting men in real life in meetup.com events, the gym, etc.

[d0nnivain]

15 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Guys that live with their mom, unemployed, looking for something casual, etc, are not what I am looking for. I guess when I meet them in person they feel I will not cater to what they are looking for, so no second dates.

I feel I need to leave Tinder and go either on payed dating apps or meeting men in real life in meetup.com events, the gym, etc.

Exactly.  

Do not be upset that men you don't want aren't sticking around.  Perhaps screen better up front to make sure you are not going on a date with men who you already know have deal breakers as part of their make up.  

[Vitaminka]

It is probably nothing to do with you. Online dating  is brutal.  I had countless one-time dates, which went nowhere, before I met my fiance. I've been stood up, ghosted more times than I can count. Tons of guys are just looking for hookups, tons of emotionally unavailable guys online, tons of cheaters. I've met guys who admitted that they were serial daters. They go on one date with a woman and that is it. Why? Who knows? A lot of men are looking, just looking. Nobody is good enough for them or can live up to their unrealistic expectations. People expect an instant chemistry, instant fireworks, instant everything, and if it doesn't happen on a first date, poof, they are out. Not many realize that chemistry takes time to develop.  Even with my finace, if I didn't take any initiative and invited him out after our first meet, it's unlikely I would ever hear from him again. No advice to give, just keep dating till you find the right one who will stick. Maybe talk to more high-quality guys who are looking for the relationship. Filter other guys out. 

[Vitaminka]

4 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Guys that live with their mom, unemployed, looking for something casual, etc, are not what I am looking for. I guess when I meet them in person they feel I will not cater to what they are looking for, so no second dates.

Just curious, why do you bother going on a date with them at all? Do they tell you this stuff before you actually meet? If so, say thanks but no thanks. 

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Vitaminka said:

It is probably nothing to do with you. Online dating  is brutal.  I had countless one-time dates, which went nowhere, before I met my fiance. I've been stood up, ghosted more times than I can count. Tons of guys are just looking for hookups, tons of emotionally unavailable guys online, tons of cheaters. I've met guys who admitted that they were serial daters. They go on one date with a woman and that is it. Why? Who knows? A lot of men are looking, just looking. Nobody is good enough for them or can live up to their unrealistic expectations. People expect an instant chemistry, instant fireworks, instant everything, and if it doesn't happen on a first date, poof, they are out. Not many realize that chemistry takes time to develop.  Even with my finace, if I didn't take any initiative and invited him out after our first meet, it's unlikely I would ever hear from him again. No advice to give, just keep dating till you find the right one who will stick. Maybe talk to more high-quality guys who are looking for the relationship. Filter other guys out. 

I really like this post! 👍

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/9/2020 at 1:41 PM, miss2017 said:

Over the past year I have been using online dating apps and had many first meet coffee dates.

They all ended with not hearing from the guy again. Or hearing again for a brief exchange of words and then silence.

Some of them I liked the dates and was even interested in seeing them again.

I got to a point where I don’t even make an effort to get dressed nice or do my hair, etc, I just don’t care anymore.

I go to the dates already expecting not hearing from the guy again. I even came up with the joke ‘so let’s meet in person my next Whatsapp ex’.

Even when the guys are oh so keen to meet me and really excited I feel nothing anymore, because I know they will not want to see me again afterwards.

I am exactly the same in person as I am online and on the phone, personality and looks. All my photos are recent. 

So I don’t get this.

This is taking a toll on my self-esteem, as it makes me feel there’s something so wrong with me or am I so annoying or ugly that a guy doesn’t even want to see me a second time?

I am thinking giving up on OLD and just let the Universe decide to match me with the right person whenever.

Is this common to happen on OLD, have a string of first dates only? I’m really getting sick and tired of this.

 

 

What you are experiencing is more probably a function of math than it is any assessment of you as an individual.  (re:  dating worthiness)

 

IF you were in an arena where most others out there weren't selecting from dozens if not hundreds of options, it would be more probable that you would be numero uno among their options.

 

The danger of your scenario lies in the chance that you will alter your approach or sense of self-worth as the result of all of this math working against you.

 

There are scores of people who write at LS every month about why some random person they met through some random dating app...    didn't like their impeccable personality, SAT scores, flawless STD test, flawless past relationship record, expensive car, mansion in the good part of town, etc...   enough to want a second date.

 

And in most cases it is because the person they dated once is more focused on somebody else. 

 

IF instead of being mere humans, you were no more than books on a shelf...    that person you dated once, could read one book while knowing the others would remain there for him to select as his options narrowed somewhat.   But humans tend to each march to their own unique drummer and are seldom still in the realm once another human opts for one choice over the others.

Thus it looks in the end as if zillions of people reject zillions of others despite flawless credentials, and far too many of those seemingly rejected individuals are here grumbling about it... when the answers  they seek are most likely written in the back of life's math book.

NOT only that, but those grumbling here might, as a steady rule, tend to over-state their own impeccable romantic qualifications.

 

It's not (anything about ) you (and your worthiness, that causes what you are describing)...

 

 

[brett15]

I don't know how you must have interacted with the men you met on the dating sites but I feel like you don't deserve such nonchalant attitude, I mean every one deserves a second second chance, especially in cases like this, I believe a real man will not easily let go of the woman he genuinely has feelings for, they must have had feelings for you before having a date with you. You deserve better!.

[Chilli]

13 hours ago, miss2017 said:

I think reading this thread and doing some inner questioning (and thank you everyone that responded to me), I think the main fact is these guys are not a match, and they feel it too.

Guys that live with their mom, unemployed, looking for something casual, etc, are not what I am looking for. I guess when I meet them in person they feel I will not cater to what they are looking for, so no second dates.

I feel I need to leave Tinder and go either on payed dating apps or meeting men in real life in meetup.com events, the gym, etc.

 

You pretty well summed it all up right there , but wth were you even on dates with these guys for then. Choose people where things are right to begin with first of all.

 

 

 

[brett15]

15 hours ago, miss2017 said:

I think reading this thread and doing some inner questioning (and thank you everyone that responded to me), I think the main fact is these guys are not a match, and they feel it too.

Guys that live with their mom, unemployed, looking for something casual, etc, are not what I am looking for. I guess when I meet them in person they feel I will not cater to what they are looking for, so no second dates.

I feel I need to leave Tinder and go either on payed dating apps or meeting men in real life in meetup.com events, the gym, etc.

I also thought about this as the reason the men disappeared after the first date. I read your post and made a comment where I emphasized about how a real man will not  easily let the woman he had feelings for go unless they just want something casual... Perhaps you saw that comment, but I still want you to know that you deserve better. And hey I want you to remember that your not ugly as beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, never forget that!.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Hookup apps and zero screening is a recipe for burn out.

When you go dumpster diving all you'll find is garbage.

Edited November 12, 2020 by Wiseman2

[brett15]

\

2 minutes ago, brett15 said:

I also thought about this as the reason the men disappeared after the first date. I read your post and made a comment where I emphasized about how a real man will not  easily let the woman he had feelings for go unless they just want something casual... Perhaps you saw that comment, but I still want you to know that you deserve better. And hey I want you to remember that your not ugly as beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, never forget that!.

I have also felt I was the problem when the women I have had first with disappeared and never showed interest again, I have come to realize the fact that not everyone can match me. I believe everyone has somebody for them no matter who you are

[miss2017]

2 hours ago, brett15 said:

I also thought about this as the reason the men disappeared after the first date. I read your post and made a comment where I emphasized about how a real man will not  easily let the woman he had feelings for go unless they just want something casual... Perhaps you saw that comment, but I still want you to know that you deserve better. And hey I want you to remember that your not ugly as beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, never forget that!.

Thank you! Yes I did read your post and you are right, a real man would not let go. I suppose most of these guys just wanted hook ups and they probably have experience enough to know on a date if the woman sitting in front of them wants that too and is going to happen easily. I do not give that vibe, and do not want that, so they move on.

Well, I have left Tinder and only have more quality apps now, and will definitely screen men better from now on. These red flags (living with his mom, unemployed, etc) are enough reasons to not go on a first date.

I am well financially, bought my own house, have a job I love, have stability, so I want a guy who is on the same level. Thank you!

[miss2017]

2 hours ago, brett15 said:

\

I have also felt I was the problem when the women I have had first with disappeared and never showed interest again, I have come to realize the fact that not everyone can match me. I believe everyone has somebody for them no matter who you are

I believe that too!

[Commongoal123]

Online dating is really rough.

I haven't given up on it, but have also stopped trying ao hard in terms of messaging people.  I decided to just live my life while keeping myself "put there" with a good profile.  And honestly I have gotten more likes and messages that way than past online dating attempts.  I'm a guy for whatever it's worth, so the whole OLD thing is a little different for me.  Women get bombarded.  Guys not so much.  Ghosting though...  I don't really understand it but it likely has to do with the feeling of not oweing a stranger anything in the sense of dating (like an explanation).

On that note, are you going out on dates with guys who have good profiles who explain who they are?  Are the type of guy you're looking for?  Or are they just swipe right swipe left?  I am assuming any guy you'd actually want aren't the dudes you're being ghosted by after meeting in person.

If your profile is truthful and your pictures actually look like you, I can't imagine you're doing anything "wrong" or that there is anything "wrong with you".  Don't think like that.  The guys doing this aren't good for you. Or likely for anyone for that matter.

Maybe just keep your profile out there and be more selective about who you meet with while working on yourself and just living your life?  If you aren't able to live your life and are feelingtoo  desperate to find someone (we all feel that way, so don't take that like there's something wrong with you) people can sense that and in the past it has scared even me away.  Not saying that is the case but thought it was worth sharing just in case.  Be confident and comfortable in your life and make healthy choices for yourself.  It will weed out all the losers who will only bring you down, including those who are afraid of confident women.

[Commongoal123]

Oh God, I'll be honest in saying that I didn't read every reply in this thread, but recently just saw some things about guys living with mom, unemployed, etc.  You don't need any of that.  Definitely stick with apps other than Tinder and go with profiles that look genuine and good to you.  Better screening my friend.  You may get less hits than on Tinder, but you'll get better quality leads.  That said, I am actually signing back up for Tinder to put myself out there for the best of both worlds.  Better screening though my friend, better screening.

[Commongoal123]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Hookup apps and zero screening is a recipe for burn out.

When you go dumpster diving all you'll find is garbage.

LOL I love this.  Another zinger from brother Wiseman

[brett15]

11 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Thank you! Yes I did read your post and you are right, a real man would not let go. I suppose most of these guys just wanted hook ups and they probably have experience enough to know on a date if the woman sitting in front of them wants that too and is going to happen easily. I do not give that vibe, and do not want that, so they move on.

Well, I have left Tinder and only have more quality apps now, and will definitely screen men better from now on. These red flags (living with his mom, unemployed, etc) are enough reasons to not go on a first date.

I am well financially, bought my own house, have a job I love, have stability, so I want a guy who is on the same level. Thank you!

I't a good thing that you have come to realize the fact that they don't posses the qualities you are looking for in a man which is not your fault.

 

Edited November 12, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[miss2017]

2 hours ago, Commongoal123 said:

Online dating is really rough.

I haven't given up on it, but have also stopped trying ao hard in terms of messaging people.  I decided to just live my life while keeping myself "put there" with a good profile.  And honestly I have gotten more likes and messages that way than past online dating attempts.  I'm a guy for whatever it's worth, so the whole OLD thing is a little different for me.  Women get bombarded.  Guys not so much.  Ghosting though...  I don't really understand it but it likely has to do with the feeling of not oweing a stranger anything in the sense of dating (like an explanation).

On that note, are you going out on dates with guys who have good profiles who explain who they are?  Are the type of guy you're looking for?  Or are they just swipe right swipe left?  I am assuming any guy you'd actually want aren't the dudes you're being ghosted by after meeting in person.

If your profile is truthful and your pictures actually look like you, I can't imagine you're doing anything "wrong" or that there is anything "wrong with you".  Don't think like that.  The guys doing this aren't good for you. Or likely for anyone for that matter.

Maybe just keep your profile out there and be more selective about who you meet with while working on yourself and just living your life?  If you aren't able to live your life and are feelingtoo  desperate to find someone (we all feel that way, so don't take that like there's something wrong with you) people can sense that and in the past it has scared even me away.  Not saying that is the case but thought it was worth sharing just in case.  Be confident and comfortable in your life and make healthy choices for yourself.  It will weed out all the losers who will only bring you down, including those who are afraid of confident women.

Most guys I go on a date with have things that are not a match to me (the living with the mom, unemployed, etc), but I still go out with them because I say to myself maybe I shouldn’t be so picky or should meet them and get to hear who they are in person, etc.

Maybe I need to be picky and more selective and say no immediately when there’s something I see is not a match and give no chance and no meeting and just move on.

[miss2017]

3 hours ago, Commongoal123 said:

Oh God, I'll be honest in saying that I didn't read every reply in this thread, but recently just saw some things about guys living with mom, unemployed, etc.  You don't need any of that.  Definitely stick with apps other than Tinder and go with profiles that look genuine and good to you.  Better screening my friend.  You may get less hits than on Tinder, but you'll get better quality leads.  That said, I am actually signing back up for Tinder to put myself out there for the best of both worlds.  Better screening though my friend, better screening.

Yes agree, better screening and zero chances to guys who are not a match.

[Commongoal123]

4 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Most guys I go on a date with have things that are not a match to me (the living with the mom, unemployed, etc), but I still go out with them because I say to myself maybe I shouldn’t be so picky or should meet them and get to hear who they are in person, etc.

Maybe I need to be picky and more selective and say no immediately when there’s something I see is not a match and give no chance and no meeting and just move on.

Great thoughts!  For feedback, when you say "you should be less picky" I actually hear you saying "I'm too ____". Which gives the impression you might (might) think you are somehow inherently flawed.  That you are the common denominator/the problem.  To say it in another but very straightforward way, you're being self judgemental.  Which is different from being self aware.

On the note of being self aware, I think that your idea or "being picky" but also "more selective" sounds rewlly self aware!  And a great way to move forward with all of this.

Does any of that resonate with you?  I hope so.  But if not, no worries

[poppyfields]

miss2017, I am not saying this to be mean or make you feel bad, but even though they might not have the qualities you seek, that still doesn’t explain why none of these guys you’ve met within the last YEAR haven’t asked you for a second date.  I have never even heard of that.  Like not even one?   Bizarre.

I’ve gone out with plenty of guys who as it turned out didn’t have the qualities I seek (on line AND off) but they still asked me for a second date.  Introverted said the same thing.

I don’t know how many men you’ve met, 10, 20, 30, 50?  Doesn’t matter but when all of these men aren’t asking you out again, I am sorry but yes you are the common denominator and I think it would be wise to search within and figure out why.

Read through this thread again, some posters believe your pics don’t match your in person, I happen to think it’s your vibe, energy that’s turning them off; who the hell knows, but it’s certainly something and it’s not because you didn’t screen well enough. 

I do agree to screen better, for you, so you don’t waste your time meeting men who aren’t compatible.  When I last did OLD, I screened so carefully, I only ended up meeting two men and the second man became my boyfriend, now fiancé.

Again, not saying this to be mean, but when you ignore the possibility that you may be the common denominator, and not take responsibility for your role in why you’re never asked for a second date, you’re making a big mistake.

Good luck.

Edited November 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

To add, I would advise getting off Tinder as well, even though there are good guys who use that app.  It used to be known as a hook up site mostly, but I think that's changing.  

I know two women who met their boyfriends using Tinder and they're both super nice guys!

Like any app or dating site, there are good guys and bad guys.  Any app can be what you make it to be.

Or maybe use Tinder and a reputable paying site.  Did I read you were using Match.com too? 

Anyway, OLD is tough, so I wish you luck. 

Edited November 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

One other thing miss2017, I just read where you believe these men aren't asking out again because they sense you won't have sex with them?    Had any of them even talked about sex, tried for sex? 

What about the man you said you had a great time with and wanted to see again, did HE mention sex?  If not, how could he or any of these men possibly know you wouldn't have sex with them?

When a man is attracted, he WILL ask for a second date even when she's cold as ice!  Trust me on that one!  lol   He will see it as a challenge to get her to warm up to him.  That's how men act when attracted and interested.  They will at least try for one more date.

So jmo but I don't think that's it.  It's something else.  

All the best.

Edited November 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[miss2017]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

One other thing miss2017, I just read where you believe these men aren't asking out again because they sense you won't have sex with them?    Had any of them even talked about sex, tried for sex? 

What about the man you said you had a great time with and wanted to see again, did HE mention sex?  If not, how could he or any of these men possibly know you wouldn't have sex with them?

When a man is attracted, he WILL ask for a second date even when she's cold as ice!  Trust me on that one!  lol   He will see it as a challenge to get her to warm up to him.  That's how men act when attracted and interested.  They will at least try for one more date.

So jmo but I don't think that's it.  It's something else.  

All the best.

I understand what you mean.

There was a guy who I thought was a good match, after we meet the first time he invited me for dinner, and on the day of the dinner he totally forgot about it. When I asked him he said he was really busy and forgot. I blocked and deleted him.

And I do think the reason why they do not ask for a second date is this pattern:

- I don’t screen them well

- I see things I don’t like in them or know they ate not a match but I still go on a date with them

- Because I already know deep down they are not a match, my energy at the date is very off in that sense.

- Guys feel my ‘off’ vibe and move on.

I think that is the pattern.

To break this I need to:

- Screen better

- Only meet guys that I feel are a good match

- Feel excited and happy to go on the date and bring that amazing energy to it

Maybe Tinder isn’t even the problem, but that pattern. I have two friends who met their husbands on Tinder too.

I think the reason I accept going on dates with guys I know are not a match is because I just think all good men are already taken and what’s left is the rest.

Every single time I see a guy I like and know he’s a match he is already taken, with a girlfriend or married. Every.single.time.

Edited November 13, 2020 by miss2017