Guys do not want to meet me again after the first date

[miss2017]

9 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

You own a home ....there was a thread. Can’t find it.  
 

in early dating if you bought a house thrn you coukd be tied to that part of a metro area. Thus coukd be a misdmatch ehere one wants to live in downtown while someone else wants to move to a smaller town after advancing in their career and doesn’t want yo stay there 5+ yrs from now.

if you just bought the house you can be focused on itorifyou have the house and he doesn’t the house can be viewed as mine vs ours in a relationship.

I am meeting someone for a first date, not to get married and make plans of living together! 

Also, a house is an investment. I can decide to live with someone elsewhere and rent my house. Solved.

So that makes no sense.

I am very proud of buying a house all on my own, it's a big achievement for me as I wanted to do that for years. And actually I want to buy more houses for investments. So a guy that sees that as a bad thing or feels intimidated by it can go f*** off immediately. 

There are plenty of guys who own houses too, not just me I'm sure.

Edited November 15, 2020 by miss2017

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Wouldn't all of this be solved with a video call before meeting up in person?

No. No one wants a cyberpal. Get your self confidence together and meet in person asap. Or... take a break from dating until you feel better about yourself.

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

You own a home ....there was a thread. Can’t find it.  
in early dating if you bought a house thrn you coukd be tied to that part of a metro area. Thus coukd be a misdmatch ehere one wants to live in downtown while someone else wants to move to a smaller town after advancing in their career and doesn’t want yo stay there 5+ yrs from now.

if you just bought the house you can be focused on itorifyou have the house and he doesn’t the house can be viewed as mine vs ours in a relationship.

She is dealing with 40 year old men here, if a 40 year old man cannot deal with a woman owning her own home then he is NOT the man for her.
I have owned my own home since I was 22, made no difference to dating, as the people I dated were also home owners and there was no way I would have NOT owned a house, just in case I needed to follow a man in his career...
Houses can be bought and sold... and frequently are...

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, CLS63AMG said:

What are you even on about bud?  She has admitted she used old photos (as I called it on page 1) and that's the issue.  If anyone shows up better looking its a bonus and you're most likely getting a second date. 

I’m saying that if these guys were attracted to her on the first date, what pics she used and / or what expectations  they had would be irrelevant. They would want a second date. The reason they didn’t was because they didn’t find her attractive. It’s not as complicated as people are making it seem.

[Weezy1973]

37 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Wouldn't all of this be solved with a video call before meeting up in person?

Do you plan on standing up so they can see your body? If so then it might help. But recent face and full body shots are the best option. 

[miss2017]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She is dealing with 40 year old men here, if a 40 year old man cannot deal with a woman owning her own home then he is NOT the man for her.
I have owned my own home since I was 22, made no difference to dating, as the people I dated were also home owners and there was no way I would have NOT owned a house, just in case I needed to follow a man in his career...
Houses can be bought and sold... and frequently are...

Exactly.

No woman has to play small to fit some idiot's low standards. She just have to play big and find a man who is also playing big.

[Cookiesandough]

34 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’m saying that if these guys were attracted to her on the first date, what pics she used and / or what expectations  they had would be irrelevant. They would want a second date. The reason they didn’t was because they didn’t find her attractive. It’s not as complicated as people are making it seem.

But...as evidenced by some people in this thread... it is relevant for some people? 
You’ve had at least three people explicitly state that it’s not about being more or less attracted, it’s about the dishonesty alone or what it implies about the person.  
 

I think your thought experiment is actually kind of circular. Of course some people would ask someone on a second date if the person was more attractive than they expected? This assumes that they are  attracted to them. Not sure the point. . Of course the guys who asked her out initially and did not ask her for a second date didn’t find her attractive. The guys who asked her on the date have a preference. Before they asked her out, they ascertained through her pics that she was slimmer than she is now(it does show in upper body as well). Those specific men were attracted to/expecting something different than what they saw on the date. 
 

 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Weezy1973]

25 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Those specific men were attracted to/expecting something different than what they saw on the date. 
 

The reason they didn’t ask her out again was because they weren’t attracted to her, so we agree on that. 
 

There was a book written a long time ago called something like “He’s just not that into you” and it was a written by a guy who listened to all his women friends’ elaborate explanations as to why the men they were interested in were acting the ways they did. And the answer was, those guys just weren’t into them. Nothing complicated.

These guys just weren’t into the OP.  If they were, they would have asked her out. 

[Cookiesandough]

20 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

The reason they didn’t ask her out again was because they weren’t attracted to her, so we agree on that. 
 

There was a book written a long time ago called something like “He’s just not that into you” and it was a written by a guy who listened to all his women friends’ elaborate explanations as to why the men they were interested in were acting the ways they did. And the answer was, those guys just weren’t into them. Nothing complicated.

These guys just weren’t into the OP.  If they were, they would have asked her out. 

Yes. We can agree that they weren’t attracted. Perhaps some weren’t attracted to her because she was dishonest about it, but I’m sure there were at least a few that could definitely overlook that if they were physically attracted to her. 

But again, this isn’t about all men not asking her on a second date because of her appearance. It is about these specific men not asking her on a second date because they are attracted to one thing physically, asked her out, then when seeing her she was not what they were attracted to physically. 
 

Imo, it’s not about her weight, but about her not having thorough/accurate pictures because she doesn’t like her weight rn She’s not giving the  men who would be attracted to her physical appearance rn a chance. 

 

Going in circles a bit here so I’ll go now 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately if they're not even interested in a second date, something on the meeting didn't work.

Once in person you can get a sense of attraction level,etc.

If you have a lethargic or jaded or indifferent vibe, they may deem it's not even worth trying for a hookup.

[miss2017]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes. We can agree that they weren’t attracted. Perhaps some weren’t attracted to her because she was dishonest about it, but I’m sure there were at least a few that could definitely overlook that if they were physically attracted to her. 

But again, this isn’t about all men not asking her on a second date because of her appearance. It is about these specific men not asking her on a second date because they are attracted to one thing physically, asked her out, then when seeing her she was not what they were attracted to physically. 
 

Imo, it’s not about her weight, but about her not having thorough/accurate pictures because she doesn’t like her weight rn She’s not giving the  men who would be attracted to her physical appearance rn a chance. 

 

Going in circles a bit here so I’ll go now 

That’s the thing. I don’t want to give a chance to men who would be attracted to my physical appearance now because:

- I do not feel good with this weight and do not recognize myself in it

- I am working with a personal trainer and doing a nutritional plan and am losing weight. In a few weeks I’ll be back to my normal weight again.
 

So I want men to see me as I feel good with myself. Maybe I should postpone dating until then.

Edited November 15, 2020 by miss2017

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Again, if she looked better in person (not what they expected), do you think they still would not have wanted a second date? It was because they weren’t attracted to her. Nothing to do with expectations. If she had exceeded their expectations, they would have wanted a second date.

This is a false dichotomy, though.  How often do people post pictures of themselves whilst they were fat, only to show up on the date 33 pounds lighter?  

 

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Excess weight shows up in the face and neck. Thin people have thin faces. Most people can judge whether a person is fat or thin by just looking at the face, full body shots are not needed to assess weight. These guys will have assumed she was thin from her face pics.

This.  Plus she tells them in her pre-meeting chat that she is into fitness, so this reinforces the visual.

Edited November 15, 2020 by introverted1

[dangerous]

A couple of issues here:

If the OP is heavier/ fatter now than the pictures that is misleading and not a good match. Personally, because I am slim/fit, I like similar women. When I have been on first dates via OLD and she was noticeably larger than the pictures, it is a deal breaker. I have actually tried to date fatter women, but it just doesn't work for me.

BUT one of the big reasons it doesn't work for me is that the over-weight person is unhappy and unconfident about their appearance (even though they may say they are happy, most are not if they are honest). Unconfident and unhappy is NOT attractive regardless of your weight. The OP has said that she is not happy and also that she is actually working at losing weight/ getting fit by training and dieting, so that is great, and I would answer her question as to should she defer dating for the time being, I'd say yes, wait until you are happy with your appearance.

That said if I met someone like her, who used to be slim, and was actively working at getting back to slim, then I would be motivated by that, AS LONG AS 1. I found her attractive generally, eg face, moves, personality etc, AND 2. that she was not currently unhappy, insecure etc.

Finally, even though there is some truth in the view that a face shot shows weight, its not fully reliable and especially when some people go to great lengths to angle the camera to hide the fact!

 

Edited November 15, 2020 by dangerous

[Chilli]

On 11/14/2020 at 2:03 PM, CLS63AMG said:

Doesn't matter what app you use, if you use glam/filter/photoshopped/head shots only/angles photos and show up unrecognizable the guy will never call you back, the choice is yours.  If you can't show who you really are, why are you even bothering lol. They're blowing smoke up your azz in this thread (kids, older defeated) - you know what you need to do.

Yep this is the thing. First op you said your exactly the same as your profile, pics and all. 5 pages in you say your pics were old and you've put on 33lbs , well that ain't anywhere near the same l'm afraid , 33lbs you wouldn't look anything like your photos and you didn't put in full body pics either. You might think you look the same but believe you won't even if not full pics.The second they lay eyes on you they'll not only see that in a heartbeat and probably won't be attracted anyway bc they liked the woman in the pic but she was a helluva lot lighter and that'll still show even in your face and upper body too , but they'll be pissed off by the deception too. lt'd be a done deal right there for me.

lt's not that that isn't still the same person inside but Jezuz, he's gotta be attracted to her too. You've gotta put in full pics of the now so that next time they know exactly whom they're meeting, andddddd, go on with your selective ideas.

Edited November 15, 2020 by Chilli

[Weezy1973]

On 11/9/2020 at 1:41 PM, miss2017 said:

Over the past year I have been using online dating apps and had many first meet coffee dates.

Some of them I liked the dates and was even interested in seeing them again.

I am exactly the same in person as I am online and on the phone, personality and looks. All my photos are recent. 

 

OP, your story has changed quite a bit from your  original post. Did you gain the weight over a year ago? Did you like some of the guys? Are you really exactly the same online in terms of looks? Were all your photos recent?

Edited November 15, 2020 by Weezy1973

[Happy Lemming]

54 minutes ago, dangerous said:

...I have been on first dates via OLD and she was noticeably larger than the pictures...

Yes, this is one of my biggest complaints about "on-line" dating and why I quit using it.  For me, it seemed the women I met were using old pictures or photo-shopped pictures.

I had one date with a woman and when we met, she looked nothing like her pictures.  I hardly recognized her.  When I mentioned this fact, she admitted that her mother was "very good" at photo-shop and had "fixed up" her pictures a bit.  That was an understatement.  The mother must have been an expert at photo-shop and could probably make Kathy Bates look like Christina Hendricks.

I was pissed and felt cheated.  I did go through with the date (to be polite), but never called or contacted her again.

I only did "on-line" dating for a brief period of time, then went back to meeting women in "real life".  For me, I had much better results with "real life".

Edited November 15, 2020 by Happy Lemming

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

This is a false dichotomy, though.  How often do people post pictures of themselves whilst they were fat, only to show up on the date 33 pounds lighter?  

My point wasn’t that it was realistic to think people would look better in person than in their pictures. It was that attraction matters on a first date regardless of expectations when determining whether or not to ask someone out again.

If you found someone more attractive in person (doesn’t necessarily only have to do with looks /pics), they were better than you expected, you would want to see them again. It’s only the cases where people are less attractive in person where there’s no second date. 

[miss2017]

27 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

OP, your story has changed quite a bit from your  original post. Did you gain the weight over a year ago? Did you like some of the guys? Are you really exactly the same online in terms of looks? Were all your photos recent?

I updated my pics in the beginning of this year. Then I gained weight the months after that, especially with the lockdown. Haven't changed the pictures after that. 

Then when I came here and post this thread, and heard people talk about looks, it clicked and I went back to the OLD Apps to see my photos and realised they are recent but they are all from before the weight gain. 

I wasn't connecting the dots before, but I am now. 

Yes I did like some of the guys. I was counting how many dates I've had, and it was around 20 since the beginning of this year. One guy invited me for dinner after the first date but then he "forgot" about it because he was very busy. Two other guys didn't say anything after the first date and then came back after a few weeks, but I wasn't interested anymore. So most guys didn't want to see me for a second date.

Edited November 15, 2020 by miss2017

[poppyfields]

Re this deception thing, I find it extremely hard to believe that if someone showed up looking better in person than in their pics, their date would feel deceived.  That makes zero sense.  

I've had some men tell me I look prettier in person, that my pics didn't do me justice, my fiance told me this as a matter of fact! ❤️ 

Trail Blazer has posted his girlfriend looked way better in person than her pics.

When it's the other way around it's a let down, a turn off.  The attractive image one had created based on pics, did not match with not so attractive reality.  

Next. 

 

Edited November 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[LynneVicious]

38 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

On 11/9/2020 at 4:41 PM, miss2017 said:

 

OP, your story has changed quite a bit from your  original post. Did you gain the weight over a year ago? Did you like some of the guys? Are you really exactly the same online in terms of looks? Were all your photos recent?

Sometimes, it’s easier to hear other options so the tough one doesn’t have to smack you in the face. I think with almost posters saying that she presented different in person vs online caused her to revisit that aspect and face the truth herself. 
 

Unfortunately, this happens way too often. Few years ago I was chatting with a man online and we set to meet. His face was normal and neck. I swear he was 100 lbs heavier in person. Never seen anything like it! It was a problem because we had planned a small hike during our date and he couldn’t do it along with many other issues that came up. 
 

Also, many people don’t even realize they’re gaining weight until they’re 30 lbs plus Into it or until they are pointed to it like in this situation. 

[miss2017]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Re this deception thing, I find it extremely hard to believe that if someone showed up looking better in person than in their pics, their date would feel deceived.  That makes zero sense.  

I've had some men tell me I look prettier in person, that my pics didn't do me justice, my fiance told me this as a matter of fact! ❤️ 

Trail Blazer has posted his girlfriend looked way better in person than her pics.

When it's the other way around it's a let down, a turn off.  The attractive image one had created based on pics, did not match with not so attractive reality.  

Next. 

 

That is funny because I have actually met some guys who were not as attractive in person, but as the date went on and I knew their personality, I found myself attracted to them, because I was able to see their body language and lots of things I didn't see before.

But yes if I meet a guy who is more attractive I don't feel deceived, I feel happy to be honest. There was one guy that was actually the one who made me start this thread. He was much better looking in person than in his photos. We both felt a nice connection online, talked on the phone a lot before meeting, and then when we met I was VERY attracted to him. But I did feel on the date he was not and after the date he sent me a few vague messages and then stopped contact.

I thought at the time he was out of my league as he was tall dark and handsome and probably can easily get any woman he wants. I was quite down to be honest because I did really liked him and would have loved to see him again. Who knows, maybe he felt deceived by my looks in person.

Edited November 15, 2020 by miss2017

[miss2017]

4 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Sometimes, it’s easier to hear other options so the tough one doesn’t have to smack you in the face. I think with almost posters saying that she presented different in person vs online caused her to revisit that aspect and face the truth herself. 
 

Unfortunately, this happens way too often. Few years ago I was chatting with a man online and we set to meet. His face was normal and neck. I swear he was 100 lbs heavier in person. Never seen anything like it! It was a problem because we had planned a small hike during our date and he couldn’t do it along with many other issues that came up. 
 

Also, many people don’t even realize they’re gaining weight until they’re 30 lbs plus Into it or until they are pointed to it like in this situation. 

Yeap, that was what happened here to me. I did realise I gained the weight because I am already working with a personal trainer, but I didn't realise that it was affecting dating until I read it here about looks.

Edited November 15, 2020 by miss2017

[LynneVicious]

Miss,

I think you’re on the right track then! I know it’s hard to put yourself out there, either on dating apps or in person if you’re not feeling confident about your weight. I honestly skipped one of my class reunions because I had gained weight and felt terrible about it and didn’t want people to see me like that that I knew, so I get it. 
 

Maybe put the kebash on OLD for now until you get back to a comfortable weight for yourself. Or upload full body shots until then if you really still want to date. Sure, there may be less interest, but the interest you get would probably be more genuine. Good luck hun !

[Acacia98]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Re this deception thing, I find it extremely hard to believe that if someone showed up looking better in person than in their pics, their date would feel deceived.  That makes zero sense.  

 

I think it's possible, though. Let's say he was an insecure guy and felt intimidated by a very good-looking woman, he might be okay  with dating a woman whom he thought was in his "league" (that word annoys me, but since folks love using it so much... 😆). So he sees a woman who looks like she fits his criteria online, makes a date to meet her, shows up and finds she's extremely good looking. He doesn't think he's good enough for her, so he disappears.

[miss2017]

7 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Miss,

I think you’re on the right track then! I know it’s hard to put yourself out there, either on dating apps or in person if you’re not feeling confident about your weight. I honestly skipped one of my class reunions because I had gained weight and felt terrible about it and didn’t want people to see me like that that I knew, so I get it. 
 

Maybe put the kebash on OLD for now until you get back to a comfortable weight for yourself. Or upload full body shots until then if you really still want to date. Sure, there may be less interest, but the interest you get would probably be more genuine. Good luck hun !

I don't want to put full body photos now because that I feel is misleading on purpose. I do not recognise myself in this weight and I am trying to lose it, so what if I attract guys who like me as I am now and won't like it when I lose the extra weight?

I prefer to put OLD on hold and focus on myself for now.

Edited November 15, 2020 by miss2017