2 Long Years Come to an End

[SS2855]

I should have listened and left a long time ago, but here I am. It is officially over between myself and MM. I felt the distance halfway through quarantine and I can’t say I’m surprised I suppose. How can an affair continue without the ease of what made it so great before? Frequent travel, dinners, adventures in new cities where nobody knew us, running away from our ailing marriages. My self defeat and loss of esteem sits in the words of affirmations, and while never a commitment made from him, it was easy for me to drift in to la la land with his consistent unwavering expressions of love. To him I was perfect (I understand it wasn’t me but the circumstance of course) and he for me. I had posted back in June about a culmination peak where he messaged me bursting at the seams about how he could not handle being away from me and was in love and rhetorically asked “what do we do????” I floated off to sleep. Almost the very next day and over the course of 5 months since it’s been a steady albeit roller coaster DOWN. The pull push started some and then more push than pull. The crumbs became crumblets, and I found myself heating for the crumbs and pain before when it all started- not this new low level. Who knew it could get less than?! I know a lot of ego at play but still at a loss with a pained heart at having a hard time grasping that his actions have not chosen me. While I did not really think it would be me in the end, it’s the rejection that stings hard. How was he able to spill so much emotion and just put a lid on it and be done? It doesn’t matter anymore but I’m just having a hard time accepting that the feelings have drifted, even though he says otherwise. I finally called him out and asked for a clean break vs. the “slow fade“ which is what my intuition was telling me.  I did not ask though he insisted nothing changed in his feelings for me, but he can only offer a friendship at this point. That I deserve so much more. I have to respect that and move on. Start a new with some sort of rebuild of integrity, a clearance of toxicity in both this and my marriage (separated now). The hard part is we have a working relationship, though due to Covid maybe not seeing one another will help. I just feel broken even though I know in my heart I have been miserable emotionally since this all began. I know I deserve every bit of this heartache and ask for no empathy. It is painful though and perhaps just looking for words of affirmation that I will move on from this, and hopefully fix myself to be a better person. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, go back and read the posts on your previous threads. Pages and pages of good advice there. You know the answers you seek already...now it's just time to accept them. Best wishes to you. 

[DKT3]

Its actually a really good idea...those posts may sound different at this point in your journey. 

[Lurker123]

Sorry to hear you’re hurting OP- but this is the right decision. You need to concentrate on yourself now. Make sure you block him from everything you can and don’t visit his social media as it will only set you back. Hard times are ahead, but nothing will be as painful as the way he has treated you over the last 2 years, whenever you feel tempted to contact him or even pine for him, remember he has not chosen you. He is a coward and you have to leave him to continue on his path and no longer have any involvement in it. You are worth so much more than these crumbs you have been thrown. You have to remember, these men are always exactly where they want to be.  

[sandylee1]

15 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

Hard times are ahead, but nothing will be as painful as the way he has treated you over the last 2 years,   

But she's married as well...so how is he the bad guy here.

This pandemic has ended and exposed a lot of affairs.  

[mark clemson]

23 hours ago, SS2855 said:

 The hard part is we have a working relationship, though due to Covid maybe not seeing one another will help.

Given how much emotional distress you're in, the "best" way, IMO, would be to find another job. It's easiest if he's as inaccessible as if he were on another plant. Not sure how feasible that actually is for you, but I think it would help emotionally. Getting a better job could in theory be a double-win if you could pull that off.

[Beentheretoooften]

A common ending to a common theme of OW feeling CRUSHED and mm bashing by the LS media.   Mm is a coward, but OP is genuine and has high integrity.  I understand everyone trying to make her feel better, and I feel for her tremendously, believe me.  She knows what was going to happen, and all of LS made it clear to her that it would happen. This is just how it ends. It’s the makeup of OW and MM’s.  It takes 2 to tango, yet somehow it’s blaming mm in every scenario that ultimately ends.  

[Bittersweetie]

Good luck to you, SS. I do have to say that I am much happier now living authentically and honestly than I ever was during the affair. Now that doesn't mean my life is easier or everything is perfect, far from it. I am just better with coping skills, better with self reflection,  and I practice gratitude regularly (I used to be a glass half empty person and while I am not completely changed, I recognize when I am being overly negative). Time and space will help you become stronger and be able to take a hard look at why you made the choices you did and what you can learn from those choices. 

[Naivewomen]

Hi, 

I can only speak from my experience. I am two years post affair. It was the most difficult and heartbreaking experience for me. I never thought I would feel like a normal person again. It was the most demoralizing experience ever. Confidence was at a zero and etc. I promise you that while the pain is REAL you will find inner strength and you will find a way to accept the outcome. You will always having loving fond memories, I promise you that you wont miss the crumbs. You know that you deserve more than what he ultimately can provide. He can only do so much! 

Find love in your heart and dont build hate nor resentment. This was a learning experience for you. A path to a stronger loving future ahead. Love yourself first and foremost. You will get through this. 

I barely come on this site as I feel like I heard and understand both sides of the situation. There are simply no winners in an affair. Everyone loses something. 

I wish you the very best. You got this!💪

Edited November 11, 2020 by Naivewomen
Typo

[SS2855]

Thank you to most of you for the words of encouragement. @Beentheretoooften @sandylee1 nowhere here am I bashing the MM by any means. This is my space sharing a hard lesson and looking for somewhere to write about it. I fully accept blame for my role in that. Period. Even more so throughout the duration of the affair I actually give him some credit as he never ever promised a future. Of course looking back I wish he held back on the love affirmations but I played the role too.

[SS2855]

And one thing I’ve gotten from LS are very clear takeaways:

1.) Affairs rarely have any good come of them nor should they as how can goodness come from deceit and zero integrity?

2.) More often then not they are a temporary band aid to a big problem in the marriage (not just bad timing even though we wish it were).

3.) It’s usually how the person made me feel vs. the actual person themselves. As my therapist described it is like taking a sip of water after spending years in the desert. No “whoa is me” here but instead of addressing issues with my spouse I buried it. The first chance at exploring beyond sucked me in.

4.) The time in the affair I realized I cried on a regular basis even in the beginning when things were at their peak. I cried because I couldn’t handle the agony of what I was doing mixed with the longing and pining and feeling love addicted. So looking back I was only ever happy the times we were actually together, or when he would send me songs, affirmations, etc.- any in between was torture.

 Basically nothing different from the others even though I was CONFIDENT we were.

 

 

[SS2855]

@Bittersweetie @Naivewomen your words mean the world. Thank you.

@mark clemson finding a new job not ideal as I’ve just signed a big contract and career wise I’m exactly where I need to be. My spouse does not work so I need to be where I’m at. I am hopeful that with physical distance and therapy/filling life with other things I will be able to get through the icky part, and most importantly not get sucked back. I don’t think that would happen as he’s very set in his ways but need to build myself to avoid all of it.

[Bonifidelifelover]

I’m sorry to hear ur hurting. These tales are as old as time & urs is no different unfortunately. Be strong. Move on the best u possibly could. Hurt is unavoidable. You just gotta work thru it.

[Beentheretoooften]

23 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Thank you to most of you for the words of encouragement. @Beentheretoooften @sandylee1 nowhere here am I bashing the MM by any means. 

Just for the record, I wasn’t saying you were bashing mm, the folks here on LS.  They canny wait for stories like yours to end so they can bash.   Interestly enough, from the beginning of my very LTA, I always was up front that I was never leaving.  At least MM was up front about that.  Rare IMO.   I am friendly with another member on here. I have been NC from Day 1, and am in a better place than my friend who just can’t seem to initiate NC. It’s very very limited in that case, but still sends that person swirling from time to time. It’s heartbreaking. I hope you are able to move on as fast and efficiently as possible

[Alexa007]

@SS2855 I couldn't read and not reply.  Our situations could be identical (I stumbled on your previous post about love bomb and then pulling away).

I'm going through a divorce (would have happened with or without the affair) and haven't been intimate more than a couple of times in years (my choice... Just wasn't attracted to him anymore).  

Fast forward to me starting a job, developing a close friendship with coworker, it eventually you turning physical as well as deep emotional connection.  Best sex of my life.  

He's never pretended that need leave his wife (though they have issues) and I always have maintained that I would never interfere.  

What really resonated with me in your previous post was the love bombing (store sappy texts, L-word, etc) and then an almost immediately pulling away/coldness.  It creates constant ups and downs where I'm either feeling sick and checking my phone like crazy or on top of the world but also waiting for it to "drop" again.

Even though I'm nearly divorced (legally... The relationship has been over for years), I haven't even though about meeting anyone because I'd never "cheat" on MM (as messed up as that sounds) AND no one is as attractive to me as him and I can't imagine sex being as good with anyone else.

While I know there's harsh feelings on here towards OW and MM, I do believe that he cares for me BUT reading nearly identical studies over and over in this forum has me feeling ill..

Again, like you, I know there's no end goal. I just keep saying "another couple of months" and then I'll end it. I'm in constant turmoil (as you described) but the pain of ending it and then still seeing him every day is almost unbearable.

I'm trying to avoid hijacking your post with my own story but it's comforting to read that you've ended it.  I know it's what I have to do as well.❤️

Edited November 15, 2020 by Alexa007

[Bonifidelifelover]

22 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

@SS2855 I couldn't read and not reply.  Our situations could be identical (I stumbled on your previous post about love bomb and then pulling away).

I'm going through a divorce (would have happened with or without the affair) and haven't been intimate more than a couple of times in years (my choice... Just wasn't attracted to him anymore).  

Fast forward to me starting a job, developing a close friendship with coworker, it eventually you turning physical as well as deep emotional connection.  Best sex of my life.  

He's never pretended that need leave his wife (though they have issues) and I always have maintained that I would never interfere.  

What really resonated with me in your previous post was the love bombing (store sappy texts, L-word, etc) and then an almost immediately pulling away/coldness.  It creates constant ups and downs where I'm either feeling sick and checking my phone like crazy or on top of the world but also waiting for it to "drop" again.

Even though I'm nearly divorced (legally... The relationship has been over for years), I haven't even though about meeting anyone because I'd never "cheat" on MM (as messed up as that sounds) AND no one is as attractive to me as him and I can't imagine sex being as good with anyone else.

While I know there's harsh feelings on here towards OW and MM, I do believe that he cares for me BUT reading nearly identical studies over and over in this forum has me feeling ill..

Again, like you, I know there's no end goal. I just keep saying "another couple of months" and then I'll end it. I'm in constant turmoil (as you described) but the pain of ending it and then still seeing him every day is almost unbearable.

I'm trying to avoid hijacking your post with my own story but it's comforting to read that you've ended it.  I know it's what I have to do as well.❤️

Is pushing pull common in these situations...? Seems like it is but I wonder why??

[BeaNeverLearns]

Everything you just said there, is exactly how I feel. Keep saying these things to yourself, and you'll not fall. I feel for you and for everyone else in here who is feeling exactly like you. Being the other woman is tough.

Bea

[SS2855]

@Alexa007 big hugs to you and how in the world did we end up here? Yes yours sounds identical to mine and others. I think for me the terms of endearment, song lyrics, etc. and then pulling back so sudden is what’s wreaked havoc on me emotionally. Even since this initial post we’ve kept low contact and I have initiated nothing. But then over the weekend (no surprise) I received a song in my messaging app with lyrics highlighted about “wanting to be me and you- I want that too” and of course I was sent reeling into that heart clutching delightful agony again. And then...silence. What does he want me to do with that? Was that a “this sucks but just so you know I wanted this”? It doesn’t matter but it doesn’t take much for me to spin my wheels. Anyhow just trying to focus on work and move on though he’s a constant reminder since we work together. So much anger and sadness and emotion- ups and downs. I was doing ok last week and weekend, now just here. Overworked, stressed, tired, hurt and resentful.  Resentful to him and then also to my spouse but that is another story. No blame shifting- I broke this particular vow but he has more than his fair share of damage in our disintegrating marriage.  As for MM we never really formally ended it so it’s just odd right now. Every time I pine though or get tempted to reach out I am reminded that he has not chosen me. He is with his family, planning their lives and future- none of which I am a part of. While painful, if I’m reminded of that then it’s easier for me to stop myself from contacting him or even fantasizing about the what ifs. It really does help. Almost a mantra. Best of everything and please keep sharing.

[Bonifidelifelover]

6 hours ago, SS2855 said:

@Alexa007 big hugs to you and how in the world did we end up here? Yes yours sounds identical to mine and others. I think for me the terms of endearment, song lyrics, etc. and then pulling back so sudden is what’s wreaked havoc on me emotionally. Even since this initial post we’ve kept low contact and I have initiated nothing. But then over the weekend (no surprise) I received a song in my messaging app with lyrics highlighted about “wanting to be me and you- I want that too” and of course I was sent reeling into that heart clutching delightful agony again. And then...silence. What does he want me to do with that? Was that a “this sucks but just so you know I wanted this”? It doesn’t matter but it doesn’t take much for me to spin my wheels. Anyhow just trying to focus on work and move on though he’s a constant reminder since we work together. So much anger and sadness and emotion- ups and downs. I was doing ok last week and weekend, now just here. Overworked, stressed, tired, hurt and resentful.  Resentful to him and then also to my spouse but that is another story. No blame shifting- I broke this particular vow but he has more than his fair share of damage in our disintegrating marriage.  As for MM we never really formally ended it so it’s just odd right now. Every time I pine though or get tempted to reach out I am reminded that he has not chosen me. He is with his family, planning their lives and future- none of which I am a part of. While painful, if I’m reminded of that then it’s easier for me to stop myself from contacting him or even fantasizing about the what ifs. It really does help. Almost a mantra. Best of everything and please keep sharing.

These men are messed up! My MM liked multiple pics on Instagram out of nowhere. It’s games they play Is my guess