In Sync Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 I don't get what he's doing? Yesterday I received an e-mail from him. I opened it and read his brief rather childlike banter. No greetings just some silly comment that he ran into a mutual former classmate and they asked about me. Was he trying to be funny or break the ice? So I didn't ignore it and wrote back, I didn't do a Spanish Inquisition but I did comment how sneeky it was of him to pop up out of the blue. Then proceeded to briefly sum up my going ons (nothing wallowing in self pity...only positive stuff...but I did conclude that I've gone through changes for the better and hoped he was doing well and ever he'd like to talk that would be fine) Listen I can't do the ice b****h thing. (he's is 28 and I'm older than him...think demi moore and ashton). He wrote back something glib, just more chit chat gossip regarding people we both knew and said he was in a rush...talk later. (we haven't spoken in ages) He wrote something weird: Hmmm, I have just noticed that this e-mail went into my junk folder. It is very unusual for me to check that folder and the stuff in it gets deleted every time I close the program. Anyway, I dont know what made me check it this time. Hope I didnt miss anything. Did you write since I last wrote to you? If you did I didnt get it. Haven't heard a word more from him and wasn't sure even what to make of any of it. Do I even bother asking him why the games. Wouldn't it be easier just to say what's on your mind instead of b.s. Link to post Share on other sites
off2sea Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 As hard as it is, I would try to ignore messages like these. After 11 months of NC, I occassionally get a generic txt message totally out of the blue. I caved in last time and responded- all it did was set me back in the healing process. I have vowed next time I get one (it's about due) I will not respond. If they want to talk pick up the phone and don't hide behind email or txt messages. Link to post Share on other sites
off2sea Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 What an strange premonition...I just got the text I was dreading... Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 13, 2005 Author Share Posted October 13, 2005 off2sea, I read what you wrote earlier and weighed it thoroughly, but in the end I was couldn't resist writing him a short but to the point e-mail, basically saying I appreciate his writing but if he choses to do so, how about communicating something other than glib statements, chit chat has its place but what does that tell me about what's he thinking? And if he's uncomfortable with doing that then why write me? I don't think my healing process is slowed down because I don't feel sentimental, I feel like I have been through hell and back and I had enough of this crap. Why am I dancing with this childish behavior. And frankly I'm thinking the writing these e-mails is cowardly. His doing that made me realize he is not man enough to be with me. Its high school behavior. The only thing I need to work on now is not letting this botch up my mental preoccupation..I can see now for the next 2 days I'm going to thinking about this and that's troublesome. Link to post Share on other sites
off2sea Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 I know it is easy to say NC, much harder in real life. I am looking at my phone right now and it is taking every bit of strength not to respond. What weird timing for her to contact me after about 3 months since the last text. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 13, 2005 Author Share Posted October 13, 2005 off2sea Explain to me the whole business of these benign messages. As with your ex, there's been enough time and distance to assure them that no future relationship is resuming SO WHAT THE F*** is up with the contacting on their behalf. I know I'm trying to be rational and understand but its confusing. Is it a control mind game thing. If he wants to remain out if my life why these hints at hide and seek msgs. What purpose does it serve? There has to be a reason other than pure pathological pleasure of being manipulative? Tell me that's not it. Link to post Share on other sites
off2sea Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 God, right now I wish I knew. I have gotten 4 msgs in the last 2 hours. Its been 11 months!! The sad part is now I would give anything to talk to her but I know she won't actually call, just hide behind texts. It is infuriating and saddening all at the same time. I was pretty much over this crap and have been dating casually for about 2 months. But as the song says "It all comes back to me now." Maybe they have weak moments as we all do and this is their way of dealing with it. I can only hope it is not vindictive after all this time and pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 13, 2005 Author Share Posted October 13, 2005 You are much stronger than I could be in the given situation you're facing. I broke down after one message and replied. But after today's reply no more. I understand the idea that it could be a moment of weakness on their part , but at some point their character has to step forward. My last response to his e-mail was neither theatrical or hysterical and it pains me to know he's reduced this behavior to being so juvenile. And had I no feelings for him this would be easy to walk awy from, but its even more hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 oops... the full effects of what you did won't be felt for a bit but oops... regards mike Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 I also got 2 emails on Wednesday! The first time ive heard from her since like May/June. Just said the usual crap like how have you been and that I still think about you all the time.. blah blah blah I thought that it might possibly set me back, but it hasnt. I just kinda laughed to myself and shrugged it off cause I know text messages mean jack SH*T. I only go by actions these days and her words have zero credability. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 13, 2005 Author Share Posted October 13, 2005 oops... the full effects of what you did won't be felt for a bit but oops... What DOES 'OOPS' mean???? I can't decode that one bendit Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 God, right now I wish I knew. I have gotten 4 msgs in the last 2 hours. Its been 11 months!! The sad part is now I would give anything to talk to her but I know she won't actually call, just hide behind texts. It is infuriating and saddening all at the same time. I was pretty much over this crap and have been dating casually for about 2 months. But as the song says "It all comes back to me now." Maybe they have weak moments as we all do and this is their way of dealing with it. I can only hope it is not vindictive after all this time and pain. o2s great job...the reason they do that is because something is amiss in thier life. fight with the new boyfriend, dumped, bf on business trip, lonely, depressed, work trouble..point is its never about YOU its about them and their needs in the moment. and that's why its awfully silly to respond to a message they took all of 30 seconds to send off...especailly after 11 months. btw, why do you suppose the relationship gurus suggest BLOCKING their emails and or changing your email address? so you don't do impulsive things like answering a stupid email it took 20 seconds to write and breaking hard won NC GAINS! regards mike Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 oops means you made a boo boo here. you see NC is for YOU. Think of it this way. its an achievment. That's why o2s likes to say he has been on it 11mo and I have been on it 45 days or so...Its an achievment. Its a GOOD thing to string days into weeks and weeks into months. Its good for YOU. MAkes you STRONG and Powerful and SOLID as GRANITE. And now you are on DAY 1. Start over. regards Mike Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 13, 2005 Author Share Posted October 13, 2005 oops means you f'd up here. you see NC is for YOU. Think of it this way. its an achievment. That's why o2s likes to say he has been on it 11mo and I have been on it 45 days or so...Its an achievment. Its a GOOD thing to string days into weeks and weeks into months. Its good for YOU. And now you are on DAY 1. Start over. regards Mike oh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 14, 2005 Author Share Posted October 14, 2005 oops... the full effects of what you did won't be felt for a bit but oops... bendit I'm starting to feel the effects now. I keep digging myself in a hole and burying myself in it. maybe I'm just not going to ever get past this..I don't have the strength to keep trying at this. I don't understand all these mind games, and manipulation and sending silly messages I don't get how to play the rules. There's too many rules and all I tried to do was love someone and show them kindness and it doesn't work for me. so I really just give up. Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 bendit I'm starting to feel the effects now. I keep digging myself in a hole and burying myself in it. maybe I'm just not going to ever get past this..I don't have the strength to keep trying at this. I don't understand all these mind games, and manipulation and sending silly messages I don't get how to play the rules. There's too many rules and all I tried to do was love someone and show them kindness and it doesn't work for me. so I really just give up. In Sync, all you have to remember is they ONLY are mind games manipulationand silly messages and that's why you can't respond to that crap. Its all about him. NOw he knows you're still out there and can "reached" with an email that takes 20secs to write. There aren't TOO MANY rules. There is ONE. Its NC of any kind manner or sort. You are in control. All you had to do was delete the message and do something else for a while to clear your head. Next time you know what to do. I tried to PM you a couple days ago when you were down. I wonder why I can't? Try and send me one if you can. regards Mike Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 regarding the original post......cananyone tell me why exes do this? Do any of you pop up out of the blue with exes? If so, why? Is it only for a game? COntrol? Ego? Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Its about ego and control. Its about them. They like to know they have folks out there pining away for them. They want to know they have someone in "emotional" reserve. Its an ego thing and its never about how you are feeling. You are only important to the extent you can fulfill an IMMEDIATE need for them to feel better somehow. That's why they never continue the convo because they don't need to. You already fulfilled their need by responding. They got their ego boost. They got you thinking about them, they shook up your world. And they want to know they can keep going back to the well over and over so they can count on you in the future. Usually, they do it when they feel down or lonely or their new BF or GF or the current source of supply is not meeting their needs. This is why you go NC. One to heal, and two, why feed their egos? THEY dumped you right? You want to feed THEIR ego? What hurts them is ABANDONMENT. Disappearing. They hate that. Its a killer to them because that is their greatest fear. So do it. Abandon them because they weren't there for you ANYWAY and they can't be empathetic and care about you in any way. Be cold hearted because that is how you will get through this. Abandonment of them is good stuff for you because you heal. You have an addiction and you need to withdraw without any contact to the "drug". Think. IS this not like withdrawing from a powerful drug? That's why I am so adamant about being serious about your NC. Because it IS so serious. regards Mike Link to post Share on other sites
off2sea Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 The good part of this is not responding, the awful part is, of course, now looking at my damn phone wondering when it will indicate a txt again. I was so over the reaction I used to have when my phone beeped (excitment, happiness, ect). Will it be another 3-4 months before another meaningless message? Its almost like she knew other parts of my life are in an uproar this week. Perhaps even not responding causes a setback, I just don't know... Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 14, 2005 Author Share Posted October 14, 2005 I do feel somewhat foolish for not having the foresight to know the pyschological bent on why I shouldn't have answered his message. But now I feel down for what was an obvious setup. I wanted to believe his e-mailing me was a clumsy attempt at initiating contact. A thread of hope. I confess I am whipped. I throw in the towel regarding him. I neither feel weepy distraught or angry...I'm done. I see this as life and death in regards to saving myself. Because if I continue with these up and downs I am only destroying my emotional well being. I'm wasting my energy my happiness my state of mind on someone who is not a part of my life. bendit, I am going to try to figure out why I can't receive nor send IM. Thanks so much for your honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Just curious...I'm doing Nc but got a BLANK email yesterday. I did respond and asked what was up with that. Told me that he was trying to add me to MSN messenger (WTF?) and it must have somehow sent a blank email. Does anyone know if this is bull or if that can really generate a blank email to the recipient? Thanks. This is really hard! Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I don't even HAVE MSN messenger...never did, never discussed it so don't know what the truth is here. Thoughts anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 14, 2005 Author Share Posted October 14, 2005 Since I created this thread and was at a total loss to the whole NC and breaking it basic rule (do youreslf a favor and reread the posts and explanations as to why they contact us with the text messges, etc.) I learned my lesson. And if it's as bendit and others have explained in detailed the possible reasons for it, discontinue any more responding. Leads to nowhereville. good luck Hot Coco. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 And I won't respond to any future attempts at contact but I'm still very curious if that was really an accident as claimed or if that can really happen when trying to add someone. And I'm clueless as to why he'd even add me as a buddy on a messenger I don't even have. Never mind that we're not supposed to be in contact. Just really wondered about this. And I know I should even give a s--t but I'm still curious. Thanks and good luck to you too! Link to post Share on other sites
off2sea Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 It sounds to me like the equivilent of a hang-up phone call, they're thinking of you and want you to know it, but don't have the guts to actually call. No new txts for me today, guess she got it out of her system yesterday. Guess it will be another 3 months till she surfaces and screws up my day. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts