HE E-MAILED ME...and now what?

[Hot Coco]

Thanks for the answer. I just I'm STILL wondering if that is possible when trying to add a buddy or if it was intentional like you say. I kind of thought it was BS too but want to still know if that could happen that way.

 

As far as you're situation, she can only screw up your day if you LET her. Don't give her that power. We're supposed to be in control here...not them.

 

Now, if I can follow my own advice!

[In Sync]

Hot CoCo,

You know what, just by being curious, which is probably what they want (see I'm catching on fast) gives them that seed planted in your head about the hide behind message person. Looking at it with distance and observation it's going to get you preoccupied with the b.s. Now they know that they've have you hooked and waiting for another bite.

It's actually boring and pathetic. That people on this planet cannot be civil tactful or have any style or grace in interacting with those whom they've broken up with. Ok the advantage for them, if we want to look at it like a tactical war game is they wounded us, we are vulnerable..but now we must become fortresses to these imbeciles. I can do it. you can too.

[Hot Coco]

Thanks but I really just wanted someone to answer my question. I know what you're saying but just wanted an answer to a specific question.

 

And he didn't break up with me...I broke up with HIM. I make the rules not him. But thanks anyway for trying.

[smile95]

bendit

 

Great post. It helped me a lot. How do I be a mean person though and ignore him? I know he is a jerk and does not care about me, but I cannot be like that?

 

you were right on about your whole post! Like you are in my exes head? I am quite amazed really. It is sad for me to know that am an ego toy for him since I truly did love him.

 

Thanks.....you helped a lot today

[bendit]

Beth, don't think of it as being mean. Think about your needs and what you need to do to get better and get beyond this. That TRUMPS how you behave to another. Now would it surprise you that npds and the like get a little thrill even if you are RUDE to them. They LUV any kind of reaction. You can't be rude to an NPD. They don't process stuff like you and I do. Bottom line Beth is this is serious business about how YOU are going get through this. And that requires you to behave in ways you may not be accustomed too. In fact this is a good thing because you are WAY too nice!!! Yes. This guy, after all the manipulation and hurt he has caused, does not deserve your niceness. And besides, you need to make it so that you NEVER ever have to speak to him or email him again. Batten down the hatches. Its about getting better PERMANENTLEY and its starts NOW. NC gets easier by the day. I am on day 45 on Saturday and I am feeling 10 times better than I did after day 14. I won't ever contact my ex again and don't expect to hear from her now that she knows I mean business. She sent me a two line email on my bday that was laughable in its transparency. I deleted it and did not respond. This was a little over two weeks ago.

 

regards

 

Mike

[smile95]

thanks bendit....so when do they get the hint? After I do NC for a while? He seems to get sweeter and more loveable the more I ignore him and that is where I give in. But I know now that a Narcissist is just saying what they need to say to satisfy their need.

 

I will try to be mean....you are right, any attn to them is luv in their eyes. I will just remember how he made me feel and never cared, so I do not have to care about his feelings...if he has any. thanks.

[bendit]

Beth my dear,

 

You just aren't hearing me. YOU MUST PREVENT him from contacting you. Yes, its time to FULLY and honestly let go. You can do it. You have to do it. You just are not strong enough to resist him. His hold on you, (your addiction to whatever he is) is too powerful. I know this isn't what you want to hear. But its the bottom line. NO MORE CONTACT EVER. You are addicted. If you were addicted to Heroin, would you "sample" it to see if you were over it?

 

regards

 

Mike

[smile95]

I hear ya! NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC Forever!

 

It may even give me a little power to truly do NC. Me in control for once....that would KILL him.

[In Sync]

bendit,

Did you begin NC immediately after yor breakup, did you ever have a weak moment and try to communicate with her. I gather that beth and like myself hang on to the hope that a person can change. Don't misundertand my asking as a way to skirt around NC, I've seen the light...it's just that I recognize a little of the forgiving hope beth has for her guy, despite what is obvious mind games coming from him.

What was your final straw?

[bendit]

in sync, mine was funny...I didn't have an addiction like you two. in fact I ended it first. Got lonely after 10 days and asked for another chance. Then after two weeks she ended it and I accepted it. That was back in late July. At that point I thought it was just another breakup. She called me two weeks later and we talked and I didn't feel good afterwards. It was empty and pointless. Then we talked two weeks later and I felt bad as she cut the convo short.

 

I sent her an email that we should go NC. We did until two weeks later I noticed she was back to online dating after telling me she just wanted to be alone. We then had a fairly long convo as I was pretty upset. At that point I realised that our entire relationship was a sham a farce a game. I was very hurt and realized that the person I was with was not who I thought she was.

 

I also didn't really know at that time how important NC was to healing and getting over things. I was still learning about how to deal with relationship endings. So when I learned about NC, I made a pact with myself to go NC FULL ON. And that was 45 days ago and I am very solidly in it. It gets better by the day.

 

As to your questions, you are both still dealing with ADDICTIONS to your Ex lovers. I can't say it any better. You are ADDICTED. Do some research on addiction withdrawal and compare it to what you are going through. Logically, why on earth would Beth go back to this guy after all we know about their relationship? There is no LOGICAL reason at all. There is a reason that only can be explained by Addiction. So in both of your healing I would focus on understanding the addictive relationship dynamic. I am sure there is plenty out there on it. Many folks who are not addicted could manage light contact LC. I know I could but I don't choose to. But as bad as you guys have it, the answer simply has to be full NC.

 

I visit another resource on the web for people who are dealing with the trauma of a relationship with a disordered person...BPD NPD HPD etc. I know Beth is dealing with one but don't know about you. Anyway the horror stories are there for the telling from those that were UNABLE to let their EXs go. One woman of 53 had a chance to let her NPD go at 30 and walk away forever! They actually broke up, but she couldn't let him go and they got back together and eventually married. Long story short, they stayed married for 18 TERRIBLE and painful years. She got divorced about three years ago. She will tell you that if only she was able to let go way back when, her life would be totally different, and she wouldn't of had 18 years of terrible pain and the task of completely rebuilding her life.

 

The reason I am so tough on you two is that LIVES GET DESTROYED by not letting go of disordered people and bad UNfixable relationships, and by not fixing yourself, who is attracted to these people. That's the next step you know. Understanding why you are attracted to people who simply cannot return love to you in any way. Why you feel you don't deserve more. The answer is that you have your own issues about intimacy and commitment and caretaking. Yep. Loads of fun in store for you two PROVIDED you can let go of your addictions. And that is no easy task.

 

regards

 

Mike

[In Sync]

bendit.

You're right. The first step in recovery is recognizing a truth. I have asked myself why I became attracted to someone who clearly was dysfunctional himself and basically was unkind towards me. I had to reinvent him in my mind to keep wanting him...only why I ask myself. Will continue later this discussion.

[smile95]

bendit......I enjoyed your post and decided that I am not going to be THAT woman in your example1 It would be me.....I do have a question though.....I posted that Dr Phil is about letting go of toxic relationships....ok I just watched it and I am a little confused and need to be slapped in the face by you......all these women were verrbally or physically abused. I was never. He never yelled or called me names or hit me or ever even raised his voice to me-ever! So then I am scared I am over reacting! Am I? I guess the fact that he ignores me is the abuse part and the fact that he does not show he cares is abuse? Is that right? I also assume that being a Narcssist, that is part of his charm....to be sweet and not be abusive in his own mind, but really he is being emotionally abusive. Am I over reacting? You are so right thogh....why would I want to be with this man? It is an addiction and more than that, it is getting over this image I have made himout to be. It would be a lot easier if he would leave me alone for good, but I guess that is part of the NPD coming out....always wanting to be wanted and raching out to me(the one who would always (used to) make him feel that way) Not anymore. You are helping me more than you know......I am starting to feel like I am on the right track....stil have questions, but I am working thru it. thanks

[smile95]

In Sync

 

I had to reinvent him in my mind to keep wanting him...only why I ask myself.

 

Ditto! It is so freaking hard to see that they are not the people we thought and not who we built them up to be! My ex was great in the beginning and I took that with me in my mind and hung on.....it was all a show in the beginning I guess. Iwonder if he even knows to what extent he has hurt me? Does he even know that he is doing this?

[bendit]

Beth,

 

My ex was not abusive but she was passive aggressive. Her anger was more inwardly directed. Not all abuse is obvious, but manipulation is abuse and it can be very subtle and destructive.

 

Beth in your case the focus really needs to shift from HIM to YOU. Even if you did reconcile, the reality of your relationship would never live up to the fantasy you have constructed. It just can't. You are working from a FANTASY. Reality is tough and never matches the fantasy we construct.

 

I think you have an issue of worrying too much about other people's issues and not enough about your own. I am working on this too. In fact, doing this is a way for us to avoid facing our own issues. Yuu have no time for yourself when you are so worried about the other person. In almost every post, your concern is about what HE is gong to do. You HOPE he never calls. You WONDER when he will get the message. Your focus must switch to your own behaviour and actions and what you are going to do to move on and get through this destructive period of your life. The focus must come off him and onto you.

 

Second what I notice is that you are so willing to accept table scraps for yourself. Its quite obvious to most of us that you are not willing to accept that you deserve something good in a relationship. You believe you don't deserve it and that this so called relationship, this heartache, is all you deserve. That's a point you should really focus on and ask yourself why you feel you don't deserve someone that can give you love and return the love you give. You have selected someone who can't do that and you won't let go of him.

 

So once again I bring this back to you. the focus now MUST shift to you and why you want to continue to waste time on someone who won't ever give you what you want. The answer lies in asking what are you afraid of? Are you afraid to look at your own issues and work on solving those problems? I have this too. In fact I have stopped focusing on fixing others (except you two!) and it has left a void and emptiness that I am struggling with. But I know that's because all I have left is ME and looking at my own issues now and that is very scary for someone who has avoided this their entire life.

 

Beth, please put the focus on you and your issues. When you focus on the issues of another, you are avoiding confronting yourself and fixing yourself and putting yourself in position to get the happiness you deserve. Its a very very tough transition but one that you have to go through to get to the good stuff. I am closer to the good stuff now because I AM doing the work to transition there.

 

regards

[smile95]

That's a point you should really focus on and ask yourself why you feel you don't deserve someone that can give you love and return the love you give.

 

bendit---i do not know what a healthy relationship feels like....I never had anyone treat me good, so it is hard to imagine this? I guess I just accepted his crumbs as being normal?

 

Part of this is my issues......My issues are thinking I will never have a connection like I had with him and that I may be alone and never meet ANYONE. More than anything, I want a family and children and I want to be happy! I think that I have hung on so long becasue I am letting go of these dreams I have made with him. I have to shift my dreams to someone else. It is tough.

 

So then what you are saying is.....just becasue I do not have a bruise on my arm or have been called names, it is still abuse? I think I am in denial. I still try to justify his actions and I hate that! To everyone else on the outside, he is a great and poilte man! He has them all fooled!

 

My new goal will be to stop worrying about why and what and how and just work on me. So you can tell me the NC really did help you right? Were you in love with your ex? Did you think she was "the one"

[bendit]

Beth, I wasn't in love with my ex but she made me feel very very special. I was lucky because she was far from my physical ideal. I hooked up with her because I was needy for a relationship and she was "there". There were many red flags that I ignored so I guess I held back because I saw some behaviour that I found questionable. She put me on a pedestal and in these moments I did feel very loved. But I always had a sense that something wasn't right , that I couldn't access her core feelings, that something was always being held back.

 

These folks have a way of reflecting back exactly what you want in a mate. Then they go through a cycle of idolizing and then suddenly devaluing you and that's what HOOKS you because of the intermittent reinforcement. You get the good stuff then suddenly its taken away and you stay around because the good stuff comes back soon enough, only to be taken away again. You see this is how they deal with their intimacy issues. If things get too close, they pull back and give you the silent treatment. Mine would subtly undermine the relationship by hinting that her friends didn't approve or thought that she could do better. So it was only after it all was over that I realized what I was dealing with and how none of it was real and sincere. They're very good actors. You're actually only a device to them a means to an end that always involves meeting their immediate needs.

 

You're getting there Beth but you are extremely vulnerable to him right now. I don't suspect you could avoid it if he contacted you. So you're in a dangerous place subject only to his decision on whether on not to call or write. All I can say is keep at it and remember how dangerous this is and keep trying to learn and eventually you may see what it will take to do what's necessary to get through. All the best.

 

regards

[In Sync]

Listen oh great guru bendit...

I have a point of contention to take up with you well actually two.

Before I go on I have been mulling over why I became attracted to somene to a Narcissist, and I've concluded at least for now that it stems from repeating bad patterns set by the traditional role model you know, mom. Regardless, I thought my I could change history and make the outcome better. So my story collapsed.

Why is that considered addictive? If I were addicted wouldn't I be the one calling him continously. Most of my purging and agonizing has been private stages of grieving and venting on LS. Once the umblical cord was finally severed by the ex I never attempted contact...sure I was gung-ho when he e-mailed because I mistook it for him wanting more. Now I see why NC is important because of the recent setback which prompted this thread but had he never contacted me though I've had the urge I never followed through with an attempt to call him.

Secondly, your circumstance and how you came about to sticking with NC is vastly different from beth and mine, you were out of the relationship and was able to let go, I'm not saying it wasn't hard to cope, no, but you were out of it. beth and I were, ok foolishly giving these jerks the benefit of the doubt. We weren't prepared for our being "dumped" (sorry for the phrasing beth..just making a point here).

Therefore it's ridiculously difficult for anyone who has been released by their ex's, to do NC cold turkey and not respond to a call or e-mail from the ex. I think it comes after a turning point of just realizing it, their contacts signifies nothing.

[bendit]

in sync I WAS dumped. We got back together and we made an agreement to try but two weeks later I was unceremoniously dumped. And then I realized that she was back online after only a few weeks if that and it was devastating because I knew what we had was false. What I realized at the last breakpoint is that she knew that I perceived there was a big problem in our relationship and that it was likely only a matter of time before that big problem resurfaced for me. So she took preemptive action and ended things. I later discovered that this is what THEY do. They depart when they see that the jig is up and they won't be getting their needs met in the same way. They move on and find fresh meat. So yes it was hard for me but maybe not as hard as it was for you because my ATTACHMENT was not as deep as yours are.

 

Now as far as whether you are addicted or not. Yes you aren't out there seeking your HIT. You aren't calling around town to see if anyone has any BLOW. You are quietly "dealing" with your addiction. But low and behold somebody knocks on your door and says HERE HAVE A HIT. And you say OK just this once. That's what you did when you answered the email. You took a HIT because you couldn't resist the temptation. This is simple. You have an attachment to this relationship...this guy. You are here on LS dealing with it. It troubles you. Its a source of concern. Of Pain. You can't get rid of it and you have "relapses." But there is a cure for this ADDICTION. Its called cold turkey. No more booze. No more Coke. The stuff DOES NOT GO IN YOUR MOUTH anymore. It doesn't even go in when somebody knocks on your door and says HERE have a hit. You refuse. You turn him away. You say get the H out of here. You move. You change your number. You get new friends. You don't go into certain neighborhoods. NC is your cold turkey. After a while you break the attachment and that drug no longer has a hold of you. Begin contact again and then let me know if you are addicted or NOT.

 

But I agree with you on one thing. It is hard to go NC from the get go. People just don't have the understanding of how best to heal and it takes time to learn that. You have to do some reading or get some good advice and also make the right decision to act. But it isn't easy and I didn't do it right away. But once I knew NC was the way to go, I have held firm and don't intend on breaking.

 

regards

[In Sync]

bendit

...there's a word for people like you who are always right..can't think of it now. still digesting the bitter pill you gave out.

[bendit]

Nope not always right not even close. I just have done a lot of recent work on this and realized it is SO SIMPLE. There isn't any other way than NC. NONE. NC...Its simple but it isn't EASY. ;-)

 

regards

[smile95]

in sync. I agree with you on your post. It is really hard for me since no one dumped each other. he just went away.. I think that is how he keeps me hanging on.....

 

Also, bendit...if she dumped you and then you went back and dumped her.....is that not what these N's do to us??? So youdid that and felt you had the power, right? That is why it was easy for you to do NC. You had the control. Insync and I do not. Also, you said you were not in love with this person. I know I was and I am pretty sure In sync was......so maybe that is another reason it was easier for you to do NC. I find it very hard to ignore a call from someone I love. But, I know for my own good now I have to. I know it would be easier if he did one thing inparicular to me or I hated him. But it did not end that way. It ended with us both saying we loved each other , which is odd in itself.

[In Sync]

beth,

The bottom line is regardless of the idea that it's easier for the person who broke of the relationship first to do the NC than the receiver, our situation and anyone else who has gone through this...it's NC. Period. I don't think it means our feelings for them will dissolve overnight if we still harbour feelings for love (in my case I think it's not love anymore but reluctance to walk away from the past...sort of Jay Gastby-ish...) These jerks a.k.a. ex's are never going to be the way they were when we first got involved. That's history. And no amount of messages and infrequent calls will change that. beth, you and I are clinging on to a past image and it's time to let go. I was about to suggest blocking the e-mail or changing your number, but frankly... isn't that like afraid to confront the challenge of NC.

The next thing we have to face and accept is the fear of loneliness. That's the only other rational reason we accept and respond to their attempts to contact us. If we were not lonely we would not even give the losers a second thought. Of course I hope in either of our cases we don't swop focusing on the cure to get over the illness.

[bendit]

Beth, I had the power first and gave it up. I broke up first then asked for another chance 10 days later. I was lonely and missing closeness, and feeling like I would never get another date. At that point, I relinquished the power and two weeks later or so she dumped me after treating me rather poorly for those two weeks. And I was actually taking it pretty well (after all only two weeks before I ended it) until I realized she was back online dating very very soon. NORMAL relationships are fairly easy to recover and heal from. But not relationships with Cluster Bs and this is what I think I was in.

 

This hurt me because I realized I could be replaced easily in her mind. They just need bodies in their proximity. People who grieve and feel and really love in a relationship just can't move on that easily. Cluster Bs can and do and that btw is their modus operandi. All this told me that our relationship was not what she would have me believe it was. SO this is why I grieve so much from this relationship (not for her). Because I was duped and there was disfunction and push pull and good stuff and bad stuff and all the emotions you can feel. So healing has been tough. I had a chance to get back in the "dance" about 3 weeks ago and I didn't take the bait. But I easily could have and I would have started a THREAD if I had!

 

Online dating btw is HEAVEN for these people because it is so easy to get new supply. She actually seems addicted to using the service. So in answer, no my situation is not the same although NC is tough for me but gets easier by the day. But that's not the point. The point is what are YOU going to do? Well?

 

regards

[smile95]

WEll, I spent last night babysitting for a married couple who are my friends. THis is what I want! I know that logically, I will never have this with the ex. I know this. My heart hurts to realize it, but I have to if I ever want to fulfill my dreams. I want so much more than he gave me and I trust everyone on here that he will never revert back to that person I fell in love with so I need to stop hanging on. I caught myself laughing yesterday and having a great time with people OTHER than him. He did cross my mind before bed, but just for a second.

 

Insync......we really are hanging onto who they once were and theywill never be that person again. They were never that person to begin with I am afraid. I feeled fooled. I kinda feel stupid. I mean all these times he has just ignored me and walked away and I would take him back all these times???? Looking back, it is pretty clear this man only cares for himself and that is all.

 

Bendit....I was not discounting your pain or hurt..sorry.....I see now that it was tough for you. Seems like the common thing here is that we all feel kinda duped. I guess I need to see that with all the men in the world, I have to stop basing my self worth and lovability on just HIM. That is one issue I have. Wondering why I was not good enough. But ya know what, he is not good enough for me!

 

I really do not feel he will call again. I mean....He would not reply to my email or text or calls so that is pretty clear that he wants nothing to do with me. And that reminds me that I want nothing to do with him!

[smile95]

oh to answer the question...i am plugging away at NC!!! I trust you that it works