bendit Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 yep that's another very common thing..we get very isolated in these relationships because they consume us..draw us in, sap our energy make us feel bad about ourselves. And pretty soon we stop building a life outside of them..I am in that place now where I am rebuilding much of what I had and even try to build it up better than before because it wasn't solid enough before. It is very much a start over process. So the sooner you're able to start the rebuilding, the sooner things will be ok and good again. That's why they say there are two choices: pain NOW and be done with it (NC) or more pain later. regards Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 ok I really am an educated person...I read my last post and you would think I could not spell. Sorry guys, i hope you understood that! I know spelling bothers people here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Share Posted October 22, 2005 what is it within me than knows perfectly well, I'll never resume a relationship with him, I get to a certain piont of well-being and then I break NC, (although I didn't realize reading a e-mail was a form of breaking NC, I thought responding was breaking NC) Am I still nurturing an idea of things going back to the good ole days? That can't be it. not now, not after all this time. when things get good I somehow run back into the fire. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 It is weird...everytime I break NC to reply to him it is on days where I am so strong and feel good! It is like he has radar or something to know when I am getting along with out him! Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 I am at the point where I wear my NC like a badge of honor and every day that turns into a week, and every week that turns into a month makes me feel like I am taking care of myself in a fundamental way. Its about regaining the strength we lost and even adding strength that was never there. For me, the focus started to turn from them to ME...You have to really really LET GO of this person. It is a process but they have to be in the REAR VIEW mirror. You have to let go of your anger. That may come last. You have to know in your bones that you are better off with them not in your life in any way. In fact, its a waste of energy to think about them once its over. If we do obsess about them, it means we are avoiding stuff in our own life. We just can't change what they are going to do. We can change what we are going to do. regards Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 true bendit...... Although instead of feeling better with every week, I look at the calendar and feel sick thinking, "OMG, it has been 3 wks since we talked" and then it hits me! It is harder for ME to let go I think becasue he always comes back. If he were to tell me it was over, this would be easier. After 3.5 yrs, he just vanished(as always). He never ends it? Well, in my head, it is ended though. If he never came back in the pat 9 flippin' times, I may not be holding onto hope. But if I think logically, I do not WANT him in my life. I think the problemn with me is "Why does he not want me...what did I do? What is wrong with me?" Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 Beth are you in therapy right now? Its probably something you should look into. It can be helpful in times like this. regards Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 bendit....I have been in the past and as soon as I hit 90 days at my new job, I am going back if it is not too expensive. I know I need to. I will not go back to the same person, she did not help much. I just hate explaining everything to someone -it is hard to get it all out! Right now, I am having thoughts that maybe I AM over reacting! What if he really is not such a horrid person and I am making him out to be? You all can verify that the stories I have told are not those of a loving person-right? Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 Beth, he is not a good partner. But it is also about expecting more for YOURSELF. You deserve much more than this, which is table scraps of a relationship. Tell yourself this over and over and over. regards ps: did you read "Women who love too much?" Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 i just thought of something and then I am done thinking for the day! lol My first 5 yr relationship -I remember how I used to be amazed that we rarely fought.....with this past one, we always said how we never fought....I now see we never fought becasue I LET EVERYTHING SLIDE!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING -if i had an issue, I would put it to the back of my head, therefore, that is why we never fought! Maybe I should try being a bitch next time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Share Posted October 22, 2005 OMG beth, After viewing your pic, unless this guy you're hung up on is Brad Pitt or Jude Law or Colin Ferrell, You cannot possibly convince me there aren't a line of deserving men banging at your door! Look at you....You're BEAUTIFUL!! Link to post Share on other sites
heartnsoul Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 I told her that last night! She is a beautiful girl! Just one of many of us who sells herself wayyyy too short!! Beth5201...You're not 'imagining' things. He isn't worthy of you and your affections. I will tell you that until I'm blue in the face! Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Share Posted October 22, 2005 I'm having a shift of moods...I can't fall into the trap of blaming myself. that's a pattern. my misfortune was having being involved with a person who underneathe is mentally ill. And maybe that's why we are having a difficult time letting go. Still, there's a pattern I get find myself in. I think that there's a fear of nothing will come after this. I'll never find someone to feel close to again. There's this huge void...Yes I preoccupy my time with endless things to do, but I suppose the notion that he still thought of me was enough to arouse my sense of being well...remembered by him. so it's almost better than not being thought of at all. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 OMG beth, After viewing your pic, unless this guy you're hung up on is Brad Pitt or Jude Law or Colin Ferrell, You cannot possibly convince me there aren't a line of deserving men banging at your door! Look at you....You're BEAUTIFUL!! Ahhh you guys are too sweet! I wish I had them banging down my door!!!! And NO he is not THAT good looking...I showed heartnsoul what he looked like. He is not bad looking, but no one really thinks he is hot. I did. But his charm made him "hot". Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 so I decided to get my nails done and cook a nice lunch for myself and rent some movies and shop (my fav thing to do) I did so well and then BOOM I hear "our song"-how cruel that I was in JcPenney at that time! I ended up crying in the dressing room.....but I dusted myself off and now I am cooking a great lunch and watching movies. I am so used to being alone since we were LD, that my life has not changed much(only advantage to a LDR) Everyone needs to do something nice for themselves today!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
darhma Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 It is so sad to hear all the pain that these exs still cause us after months of healing. I finally could take no more of the torment of his occasional emails telling me how he still thought of me but....he still wondered what I was doing but...etc. Why would I care to hear over and over again that someone does not want me anymore. He just wants to make himself feel better. I sent him a sweet letter...instead of an angry letter telling him never to contact me in any way and after his responce....have blocked all emails forever. We need to stop the madness...not allow it. If they really ever wanted us back they would do way more than send us an email. They are just thinking of themselves and enjoy the ego boost of reaching out and messing with someone who cares for them...out of curiosity and lonliness. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 you are right....they just contact us to feed their ego and sometimes we mistake that for them loving us. Link to post Share on other sites
darhma Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 I have been the dumper and the dumpee. I never toyed with the men I left. I would not do that to someone. Someone who does play with someone like that is a very dark hearted selfish messed up person. The only person they care about is themselves. Do we really want someone like that in our life as a friend or lover or anthing in between????? Link to post Share on other sites
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