How to handle manipulative, destructive brother ?

[Kara_nia]

Hello,

 

I need help with my brother. He is in his 40s, I'm in my 30s. He's always been manipulative (he even admitted it), agressive and verbally abusive with us (parents and sisters including me). When he talks to us, it's always because he wants something from us. He never gives back anything, neither attention, interest or affection. If he gives you something, it's never for free and he will make you feel guilty for years after that for not being perfect "after all he've done for you".

He is also verbally and physically abusive with all his girlfriends and he went to jail several times for that reason. Now he destroys them emotionnally only, but he leaves them completely broken and depressed, and with no self-esteem at all. He chooses them fragile, weak and vulnerable, with little to no support from their family, so it's easier for him to manipulate them. I hate his behavior.

He is prone to mood swings, intense anger for nothing, and don't try to disagree with him or point that he is doing something wrong, because he will break you in return (emotionnally) and will try to isolate you from the rest of the family. This is complete madness. It's all about him, always. One of my cousin is bipolar under medication and I always wonder if it could be the same issue for him. He is followed by psychotherapists but with no success, because he manipulates them all or quits if they are stronger than him.

I stopped talking to him two years ago and that felt great. No more drama, no more endless phone talk with him about him, him, him (and I'm so drained and empty each time I interact with him), no more fear (because I'm scared of his mood swings, and what he could do to me or us).

I mostly live abroad, so I stay with my parents when I'm back in my home country. The relationship with them is not fantastic and it's better when we are apart, so I recently took the decision to stay with friends when I'm back and only visit them so everyone is happy. But my brother was pissed because he couldn't come to my parent's home when I was there (even though I was planning on being courteous and mature with him if I would see him), he was avoiding me (very brave, eh?). So first, he tried to manipulate my parents and said I was dishonest, taking advantage of them and he was mad about this and my poor parents not knowing that. It didn't work, so he called me all mellow and nice, left a voice mail where he said he wanted to reconnect and talk before we ever see each other at my parents' place, to make sure we would both act responsibly and with maturity. He also said he was shocked to find out that I blocked his cell number (he was calling from my parents' phone). I texted him back to say that yes, I agree and will act nicely if we see each other, and that I blocked his phone number because I know all the BS he told my parents about me being dishonest and taking advantage. But that I don't take care about that now, and I would act as an adult, but please don't call me because I don't want to talk on the phone.

He called me several times, went crazy on the multiple voice mails he left, then he kept going by text for a while. He said that nobody can't stand me in the family, that I judge everyone all the time, that they are annoyed by me... He said that he found unbearable when I told him I was bothered by his racist or homophobic jokes and please don't make them in front of me, the same for his girlfriend when HE comes to talk to me about her and I point out that insulting her or talking with degrading terms about her is not something someone in love would do and please don't do that in front of me because I like her and respect her. He said that I'm dishonest and taking advantage of my family because when he was complaining I wasn't there enough for him that I replied back that I feel invisible in this family (which is true, this is how I feel, my brother is only interested by himself, and my parents are so depressed and angry with life that they never try to talk to me, when we are together it's like we are roomates that don't talk, not family). I always went back to their house because I thought I could fix this relationship with my parents, and always tried to share all the interesting stuff I was doing with them to try to get their attention. Nothing worked, and now, with the help of a counsellor, I eventually understood that this relationship will never be fixed, and that's ok. But my brother is reproaching me this feeling of being invisible.

He drives me crazy. He was threatening me on his voice mails and my whole body was shaking.

I blocked again his number but I don't know how to keep all his drama at distance, how to protect myself. I do not intend to visit my parents when he is here, because he would make a scene or  threaten me or try to destroy me mentally. I know my father is very sad about us not getting along but I can't do much more on my side. For the first 30 years of my life, I have always been there for him, now I no longer want to do that because he is too toxic for me and everyone, really. It also means that I won't celebrate Christmas with them, but for me, it's ok (my brother is usually making a scene just before Christmas every year anyway so there's always drama and he ruins the celebration). Only my parents are sad about it.

What can I say to keep him at distance if he finds a way back to me ? How can I protect myself from his destructive behavior ?

I also know he is going to tell my parents other false things about me. Our relationship is already not great but I don't want to lose them completely.

Thank you, and sorry for the broken English.