well, this was a wild ride

[PeteGer]

A year and a month ago we got to know each other. They, from the USA, were pet sitting here in Germany, found my profile on a dating site, messaged me. We went on a board game fair together. Their pet pet sitting job ended and there were a couple days left before the next one would start, so I invited them to stay at my place. We had walks in the park, played board game, went out for dinner. They said after a couple days they were not interested in a relationship, and I didn't have that in mind either, so I just shrugged and said "ok". They said they got autism, EDS, PTSD, and depression, and I said I don't judge. Then they got a pet sitting job in a different country and moved on.

A month or two later they came back for while, and we had a couple more nice days, and then they moved on again. Then in early February this year, before the pandemic started, they said they got a pet sitting job in the middle of nowhere in a village in the spanish Pyrenees and would be happy if I'd join. So I took a plane and went there, and we had a couple more nice days. Then they had to leave the EU (after 90 days without a visa) back to the USA, and Covid 19 hit. We stayed in contact, and they said that they changed their mind and wanted a relationship, and I said "ok". They had all kinds of plans, like that I could come to the USA for a while, while they'd get their masters degree, so that I could earn more money there than here in Germany. Then they wanted to come to Germany to move in at my place, and I said "ok". They wanted to study at first, then work as a translator, then work as a fulltime artist.

Covid 19 prevented them from coming to Germany for a while, but in September that worked out. I had to fill out official forms saying that we were in a relationship and I had to provide evidence for that to be the case.

So they came here, and there was a lot of pressure on us. I'm not rich, I live in a small condo in a very expensive city. They weren't rich either. I said I'd keep paying the running costs by myself without them having to join while they were still sorting things out. As an introvert during these times of Covid 19 I mostly work my 40h job from the home office, but when they lived here as well I most often went to the office of the company I work for, so that my then partner could use my computer in the meantime.
The pressure came from several directions:
1) The german government says that you can stay for 90 days. If you want to stay for a longer time, you need to be a EU citizen, or have a good reason. A good reason is being rich, being a refugee, having a job, being a student, being on an intense learning course, working as an artist, being married to a EU citizen, and a couple others. I didn't want to marry at that point.
2) Money. My partner had zero income. That's tough, especially in a foreign nation, and if the government says that if you have no good reason to stay for a long time, you better be able to take care of yourself.
3) Flat. My place is tiny. It's great for one person, but it's cramped with two people.I could have chosen a bigger flat to live in, but the city I live in is very expensive, has a huge demand for housing so rents are insane. The place I live in belongs to a friend, so it's not that expensive. So, I didn't want to give up a great bachelors condo in a great area of the city for a medium rent, to replace it with a large condo for two to three times the cost in a crappy area. Especially when there is the risk of the relationship not working out and ending up with that ugly expensive huge thing by myself. My partner said that they like my place and are fine with living there for a while. But it was cramped. One more reason for me to go to the companies office.

Then the problems started. Of course this is just my view, and it is surely one-sided and probably not correct. It seemed to me as if my then-partner liked to have dreams and plans, but didn't want to realize them by themselves, or were afraid to fail and as such didn't want to start. 

Like, here is an example:
While they were in quarantine in the USA, they suggested to that we could cut the floorplan out of paper, and then move furniture cutouts around on it to find a new setup that works for both of us. I said that's a good idea. So I measured the condo, put that in a floorplan app, and send it to my partner. But they didn't do anything with that. When they were here in Germany, I suggested they could start playing around with that, while I was at work. They said ok, but didn't do it. So I printed out the paper and put them on the living room table with a scissor, but nothing happened. Then my partner got angry, said that they're very intelligent except in Math, and that they can't work with that. I said "no problem, let's do it together on the computer". They said that the whole idea is stupid and we shouldn't do that at all. So I just shrugged and that idea was scrapped.

Or they wanted a wardrobe. I said "sounds good, where should we put it?", they pointed at a location where I got a book shelf. I said "where do we put the shelf?" they pointed at another location. I said "ok, what about you look for a wardrobe online while I'm at work, and then I order it". And a week or one and a half weeks passed but nothing happened. And then my partner got angry and upset for not having a wardrobe. I asked why they didn't send me a link or anything, and they said that they couldn't find one that would fit. So I looked up a nice wardrobe that would fit and sent my partner the link. They said that it's not looking good. I suggested looking together, but they didn't want to. They then said they wanted just a curtain with a clothes line or something. I said ok, just order it then. But nothing happened. Then they wanted an Ikea multi purpose shelf with the matching features. So on a Saturday morning they said "do you want to go to Ikea", I said "well, after a week of work and office, going to an insanely crowded ikea is not really what I'm looking for, but if you need me I will join you of course". So they got upset and said I shouldn't join.So there was no wardrobe. 

So I put up a google docs sheet with a table. And I said "here, if you think of anything you need, put it in here, ideally with a link where I can order it. If it's very expensive, lets talk about it first". They said "great", but didn't fill out a single line ever.

They first wanted to find a shared artist space. Then they wanted to work from our flat. Then they said that they can't work because I'm not as inspiring as their 11 year old niece and that this lack of creative input would kill her creativity and chance to make art. And I just shrugged, saying that I can't be responsible for that, and that we live in a city with hundreds of museums and a million inhabitants and inspiring stuff happening everywhere, and that I'm glad to help, but that I can't be the sole pillar of their entire career. So that didn't go well.

And it continued like that. Or another story: they liked the most expensive green tea I got, which is great. So we drank it all up, and I said I'd order new tea. They said I shouldn't, but that we'd buy it at the shop with the nice tea lady. I said ok, then let's do that. But they didn't want to at that time. Or the next week. So after two weeks without green tea I asked if I could buy it by myself then, and they said "ok". Together with the green tea I also bought black tea that had some spices in it, among them a trace of cinnamon. So my then partner was allergic to cinnamon. I asked them whether I should put a skull icon or something on the container with the tea so that they wouldn't accidentally drink it. They started to cry how I could bring cinnamon tea into the house, and said that I could keep it if I'd obey the following rules:
- I can only drink it when they wouldn't be there because of the fumes.
- I have to warn them after drinking it, because I don't clean the teapot well enough I was told.
- I couldn't put the tea leaves into the organic trash, because that trashbag is too small. Instead I have to wrap it in a plastic bag, not it tightly, and put it into the general trash.
- I'd then have to bring the trash down, because the tea is too toxic for my partner to touch the can. And afterwards I have to rinse the garbage can with hot water.
Now, I thought that if they don't drink the tea they'd be fine. Maybe I was wrong. I don't know. But I thought that this was a tad excessive, especially considering that my partner didn't know how allergic they were to cinnamon.

I also wasn't allowed to watch horror movies. Or movies in which anyone screams for a reason. Or in which children seem to be mean or are not treated nicely. Or any YouTube show in which the moderator would be an old white dude, because my partner said they all looked sexist and evil and said that they'd move out if I'd watch those shows (note: those guys are not sexist at all). Oh, aggressive music was also banned, as well as any music with bass.

Once I washed our laundry together. That was a bad idea, because they didn't like my detergent. They were fine with it when they visited me as a friend, but now my detergent was bad and all my partners laundry needed to be washed again.

Or my partner wanted to put up an additional lamp in the bathroom. I said "no problem", so they ordered a lamp. The electric wiring was badly described in the condo. So I said that we should get a phase tester from a neighbour, to ensure that the wires are without electricity when we'd handle them. I suggested my partner to ask the friendly irish family that moved in recently and that my partner already met and liked (so that my partner would get to know more people in the house). But my partner said they were scared of them. So I said "no problem, I will talk to them, you just stand behind me". But my partner didn't want that either. So I said "ok I'll ask them by myself then". My partner didn't want that either. They said they'd get a phase tester from a common friend of ours. That didn't happen. And then my partner was angry that the light wasn't put up.

So I said "ok, imagine what the perfect condo looks like for you, considering our possibilities. Like, imagine we still live here for a year, what do you need to be happy". And their reply was "how should I know".

My partner also tried to regularly convince me that I'm an autist, like them... I said that I don't care that much about labels regarding myself, that I'm doing fine with my life, and that even if I would be an autist I'd currently see no reason to change anything as things just work for me. That wasn't well received.

And my partner kept telling my friend stories involving me, which were either heavily exaggerated or entirely made up. And each time I witnessed that I wondered whether I should jump in shouting "that's not true!" or ignore it. So most of the time I ignored it. 

I often cooked dinner for my partner and brought them breakfast to the bed. Once they wanted a bun with some butter, so I brought them that and they liked it. A week later said "you can eat it yourself, I can't eat it, too much butter". I brought often pastries from good bakeries, until my partner complained about getting fat. So next time I was shopping I asked whether they needed anything, they mentioned some items. So I brought those and a pastry for myself. I was then told by my partner that I'd buy pastries only for myself and not for my partner to punish them. And stories about how mean I am buying pastries only for myself were told to my friends.

My partner was also unhappy about how I played board games, all of a sudden... I said that when I play a game for the first time, I just try to get to know it. My partner said that with cooperative games I have to try harder, even when it's the first time we play it, and if I wouldn't try harder, my partner would never play coop board games with me again. At the same time, I should try less to win in competitive board games.

So, there were this and a hundred other such stories within two months. I got more and more depressed, and and my partner was suffering too, because this is a tiny flat and you can't really avoid each other. I'm an introvert and like to be at home, and they were afraid of the outside. Add to that the stress of Covid 19 restrictions and the threat of my partner getting kicked out of the EU and the draining funds and so on. So we had a talk and came to the conclusion that this doesn't work out.

Right now my ex-partner is in another city, pet sitting animals for three weeks, so that we don't sit on top of each other. Then they'll return to their family in USA/Canada, I'll buy them the ticket to get there, and then they consider buying a condo in Barcelona / Spain to live there. Though, I think the latest news was that they now want to buy a property in Argentina. I don't know.

Today they wrote on Facebook that they have to travel despite Covid, from one pet sitting job to the next, because they have no longer a home. Of course I had told them that they were free to live at my place until they know what to do next, so the "no home" thing isn't entirely accurate, but I didn't comment on that on Facebook.

On the one hand I'm sad that this didn't work out. Despite all that, my ex-partner meant well and is I think a nice and lovely person. At the same time... So here is the irony: once they left for the pet sitting job, a couple days later, I bought a wardrobe and other such stuff, which my partner wanted. Not to spite them, but simply I thought "that's a good idea actually". But I couldn't buy it before because my suggestions where crap in my partners eyes, while they had no suggestions themselves to act on. Now I was free again. I looked up a wardrobe that fit, ordered it, and put it together. Done. I bought a phase tester, put up the additional light in the bathroom: done. My partner said that they wished I would have done earlier, but I didn't take that bait. 

So, I'm sad that this didn't work out. I don't have anyone to make plans with anymore, or to cuddle with, or to go on vacation together with or to museums or whatnot. Now I'm alone again, while my friends have families and children and spouses. On the other hand, I feel relieved. There is no longer the tension where I worry a lot about my ex-partner but couldn't say anything because it would upset them. There isn't the trouble anymore of having the job of fulfilling expectations and dreams that were ill-defined. I don't have to worry about my partners lack of income anymore, or my dwindling resources as I tried to take care of both of us, buy us dinner in restaurants, train tickets, new furniture and so on. If I'd be rich I wouldn't care, but I don't have a lot of money myself. So, now I'm sad, but feel more free, as many worries are gone. I have now my own pace again, can make my own decisions.

 

[Acacia98]

I feel relieved too. Glad it's over.

I have to ask, though, what, if anything, did they do for the relationship?

Edited November 10, 2020 by Acacia98