Update to thread from 1.5 year ago: my healing journey

[pinkpaw]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/582670-my-emotions-are-too-much-feel-desperate/?tab=comments#comment-7592381

I posted the above thread when I was at my lowest ebb. Looking back now, its striking to see how far I've come. I thought I would do an update thread to continue posting to help with my ongoing healing, and to also maybe give hope to others who face similar crises as I did back then (I know I sure would have benefited from reading stories of healing back then..).

Since posting that thread, life has changed SO much. I moved 5 hours away to start my job as a junior doctor. I passed my first year on provisional license to practise and now I'm 4 months into my second year with a full licence.

The huge changes from uni to working life as well as moving to a completely new city SO far away most likely- in hindsight - triggered off all my old wounds. I've never felt such pain and despair like it. The first 8 monthsmovkng here was horrendous. It felt like I was a 5 year old. God knows how I even did my job - it served as a distraction I guess, and forced me into 'adult thinking' when the PTSD flashbacks were too much. I did break down though, and got tonnes of support.

My own doctors were amazing. I saw a few different therapists, 2 of which I still have on my phone for when things get rough.

I plucked up the courage to report some of the abuse. The case is with the CPS now. I promised myself I'd do everything for the little girl I was, that should have been done by my caregivers and wasn't. I moved into my own place and got the sweetest cat ever, who loves cuddles. I started badminton and football. Got back in touch with good friends who I'd always shied away from, assuming they'd reject me if they knew the real me. I told them everything, and they didnt reject me. Showered me with support instead.

I had so much confusion regarding people who didnt react well to me suddenly becoming aware of my past, and the issues it caused, like severe people pleasing, and they backed off. It looks AGES to understand and I'm still learning now. 

I broke up with my supportive boyfriend- the distance was too great.had a few different dating experiences, one reminiscent of my narcissistic mother and thankfully - I ended it pretty sheepish, soon as I called him up kn his behaviour and his reaction showed me unless I accepted blaming, shaming and gaslighting, he didnt want to know, so I dumped him. Pretty proud of myself - the old me would have accepted all of his nonsense.

I've grown in so many ways and so grateful for the hard bits, the breakdown, it caused me to FINALLY wake up. I'm still healing more everyday. Enjoying dating and friendships that look very different to my past self. Those were full of anxiety.

I'm so grateful to the people who responded on here at the time...your kindness and support was sometimes the only beacon in that awful darkness.

I hope to continue posting here to aid the ongoing journey. 

[pinkpaw]

Does anyone have experience of having...massive realisations about being conditioned into people pleasing and hypervigiliance because you never know when someone might pop off - a legacy from a chaotic childhood?

I feel like I know everything logically and have done the reading and therapy but man...putting it into action is SO hard. It feels like having to go against everything that feels 'natural' even though I know it's not normal at all. Urgh. Struggling today.