Narie Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 I highly suspected my husband is cheating but I do not have a strong evidence so he just kept on denying it. It's driving me crazy but he kept telling me there is no one but I can tell something is different. He kept reassuring me and tries his best, but every time I see him online and chatting with someone I don't know who, it's breaking my heart. I left him and decided to watch whether he will go online or not and he did. Every time I will go back and he's trying but he couldn't show me his phone. He gets upsets and says I don't trust him. So I keep leaving and going back. Yesterday I left again and left him a message. There was no reply, I guess he got tired of trying now. But todah I see him online even more. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 You have two choices: Stay or divorce. Which one will bring you more happiness in the long run? I'd stop leaving--that tactic has no effect on his behavior--in fact, he's probably glad you're out of the house and off his back when you're gone. If you're going to leave, stay gone and find a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. You have no trust in your relationship and without trust, you have nothing but a bunch of bother. There really is no point in returning. He doesn't care anymore and you don't scare him. It is what it is. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) Sorry to hear that. How long have you been married? Are there any kids? Do you both work outside the house? How is the intimacy? Have there been indiscretions before? Is it a gut feeling or changes such as secrecy with his phone? Edited November 11, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 I'm very sorry Narie. I think by now you realize your tactic of leaving is not going to work. He is too deep into his internet addiction. It could be he's talking to other women but it could just as likely porn or something else. He may have some kind of sexual fetish that he's entertaining. I don't know how you can find out unless you are very computer literate and he is not. The decision you make on how to handle this situation will be a reflection of who you are and what you want in your life. It also depends on the depth of your relationship as to what you can bring yourself to do. Leaving for awhile is time honored tactic and a good first choice but has less impact with frequency because he knows you will be back. You have to do something that is out of character for you that will take him by surprise and make him wake up. You don't mention children. That could complicate things. You could file for divorce or separation and have him served. You then go no contact unless he's willing to work on the marriage. It will take an emotional toll on you and if it goes on long enough you might find out you don't want him back. You can stay and look the other way. Lots of spouses do just that. How about feeding the same stuff back to him? Mimic his behavior in an effort to get him to see your perspective. Convince him to enter individual counseling. If he has an iphone then I believe there is a way to sync the phones output to an apple tablet. That would allow you to see one side of the conversation. I'm not an Apple person so I only know what I read about it. Of these options divorce or separation is the most effective. It's a win-win from your viewpoint in that if he doesn't respond then you will know that the marriage could not be saved. That will be a big chunk of your life you won't have to waste. Again, I'm sorry you are here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 What do you really want here? Just him to admit it? or find actual proof? What then? So you can get a divorce? What? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Narie Posted November 11, 2020 Author Share Posted November 11, 2020 13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear that. How long have you been married? Are there any kids? Do you both work outside the house? How is the intimacy? Have there been indiscretions before? Is it a gut feeling or changes such as secrecy with his phone? We been married for six years and as far as I know we have been okay until three months ago. Something happened which made him depressed so he wasn't in the mood to talk as much, he told me to give him time until he is done with grieving. Around Mid September to October I noticed a very big difference, it seems he was avoiding me. Often on his phone chatting, mostly in WhatsApp. When I asked him about it, he lied and said it wasn't active account and he is no longer using it. But he is always online. I asked for him to show his phone but he refused and told me, I don't trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Narie Posted November 11, 2020 Author Share Posted November 11, 2020 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: What do you really want here? Just him to admit it? or find actual proof? What then? So you can get a divorce? What? I want to know the truth. If possible find a proof. And yes, if he is cheating depends on how far they went we might divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Narie Posted November 11, 2020 Author Share Posted November 11, 2020 10 hours ago, schlumpy said: I'm very sorry Narie. I think by now you realize your tactic of leaving is not going to work. He is too deep into his internet addiction. It could be he's talking to other women but it could just as likely porn or something else. He may have some kind of sexual fetish that he's entertaining. I don't know how you can find out unless you are very computer literate and he is not. The decision you make on how to handle this situation will be a reflection of who you are and what you want in your life. It also depends on the depth of your relationship as to what you can bring yourself to do. Leaving for awhile is time honored tactic and a good first choice but has less impact with frequency because he knows you will be back. You have to do something that is out of character for you that will take him by surprise and make him wake up. You don't mention children. That could complicate things. You could file for divorce or separation and have him served. You then go no contact unless he's willing to work on the marriage. It will take an emotional toll on you and if it goes on long enough you might find out you don't want him back. You can stay and look the other way. Lots of spouses do just that. How about feeding the same stuff back to him? Mimic his behavior in an effort to get him to see your perspective. Convince him to enter individual counseling. If he has an iphone then I believe there is a way to sync the phones output to an apple tablet. That would allow you to see one side of the conversation. I'm not an Apple person so I only know what I read about it. Of these options divorce or separation is the most effective. It's a win-win from your viewpoint in that if he doesn't respond then you will know that the marriage could not be saved. That will be a big chunk of your life you won't have to waste. Again, I'm sorry you are here. Thank you for your kind words I do wanted to leave a little longer and maybe not return until he fix what he is doing but we have a young one who keeps crying for his daddy. If I leave him to his dad, he cries for me. It is hard and I do not know what's best to do to make him stop. No amount of words seems to make him stop. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, Narie said: It is hard and I do not know what's best to do to make him stop. No amount of words seems to make him stop. Words will not be enough. There is no reasoning with someone that displays addictive behavior. What about family? Can you rally them to intervene? I'm sure his parents do not want to lose easy access to their grandchild. Do you have someone you can make an ally out of? A best friend forever or family member? They can offer support and bolster your courage. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 If he won’t change - and you don’t trust him... he’s left you no choice/nothing to work with. file for divorce. Unless he’s willing to show you everything and be open with transparency - end the marriage. hopefully you work and make money. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 10 hours ago, Narie said: until three months ago. , he told me to give him time until he is done with grieving Grieving what? What happened 3mos. ago? Surely there's more to this than "he's on WhatsApp a lot". Showing you his phone won't prove or disprove anything, but clearly your marriage is in trouble. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Narie Posted November 12, 2020 Author Share Posted November 12, 2020 22 hours ago, S2B said: If he won’t change - and you don’t trust him... he’s left you no choice/nothing to work with. file for divorce. Unless he’s willing to show you everything and be open with transparency - end the marriage. hopefully you work and make money. That's what I am thinking. This will not work if he will refuse to cooperate with me. He couldn't stop talking to her. I have never seen her so active online before, was he always this talkative or the other girl is just good conversationalist? I kept wondering. I wanted to trust him but how can I when he won't clear anything up? When he refused to stop or show me proof he is not cheating. NC will be hard for me because of our child but this is driving me nuts. I guess he must be really in love with her so he is willing to hurt me just to protect her. I am thinking of divorcing him once this lockdown ends. I left and move back to my parents house for a while. I ended up stalking him..I just wish I can move on from him as fast as I can before filing for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 15, 2020 Share Posted November 15, 2020 Whatever you decide to do Narie, make sure it is in your long term interest. I pick up from your thoughts that you don't want a divorce and you want to stay married to this man. So, do not unnecessarily burn your bridges. Once you have convinced yourself that you have put in good effort then you will have to risk it all to save it. You can't fail if the decisions you make are in the interest of you and your child. He no longer has your interest at heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Bdiana88 Posted December 8, 2020 Share Posted December 8, 2020 Go fishing. Have a friend he doesn’t know reach out to him or create a fake profile and do so yourself, this will answer all your questions and confirm your suspicions first hand. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 10, 2020 Share Posted December 10, 2020 There are many ways to check. Getting phone records...if you two are on the same phone plan you will have access. GPS on his car, cheaply purchased on Amazon. If he has a computer, there is software you can download that gives you alerts and access to his activity. Fake dating profile is easy to set up but people catch on. The most expensive option is hire a private detective, but that can run you $250+ a day. Other option is for you two to seek out marriage counseling, and grief counseling for him. This can be done online. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted December 10, 2020 Share Posted December 10, 2020 On 11/11/2020 at 4:11 PM, Narie said: Something happened which made him depressed so he wasn't in the mood to talk as much, he told me to give him time until he is done with grieving. Around Mid September to October I noticed a very big difference, it seems he was avoiding me. Often on his phone chatting, mostly in WhatsApp. When I asked him about it, he lied and said it wasn't active account and he is no longer using it. But he is always online. You know what? You're his wife, not his girlfriend or FWB. For better, for worse is what you both swore before God to do til one of you dies. If something is impacting him to the point where he's visibly grieving about it and he won't tell you what it is, that means it's either someone else or that he doesn't trust you with the answer---neither is a good place for your marriage to be in. He's not grieving enough to stay off of Whatsapp; he reached for a lie first instead of telling you, his lawful wife, what has happened so you can both deal with it as the team you're supposed to be. And how much time does he require to get over this grieving? Quote He couldn't stop talking to her. I have never seen her so active online before, was he always this talkative or the other girl is just good conversationalist? So you've ascertained that he's talking to another woman? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) You know what....a gut instinct can be your best bet. If it doesn't feel right then it's not. His behavior is telling and not of an honest man. If your marriage was of true partnership, he would lean on you for support for his emotional needs because that's what you are there for...for each other. He seems to be grieving....it's very suspect that he was dumped. An affair of some kind? Yes it's very possible, especially if he had a past of this sort of thing, or he has never exhibited such behavior before. Getting the truth out of him? You may have to find out from other sources. Try placing a camera and recording device in an area he would be using his phone. Play it kool, be aloof....just play along and he will let his guard down....never confront unless you have actual evidence. Edited December 12, 2020 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 12, 2020 Share Posted December 12, 2020 (edited) Do your homework an contact an attorney in your jurisdiction. For example, if the tracked spouse owns or even leases the car under his or her name, the non-owner spouse cannot legally place a tracking device on it. If this happen, the spouse who placed the tracking device could face criminal charges for stalking. In addition, any evidence obtained using the GPS device will be inadmissible in family law court. Even if the vehicle was registered under both your names, if it is established that only one spouse ever drives the car, the Court may see that the spouse who placed a GPS device on the car was acting in bad faith. As such, this act may be considered illegal. Edited December 12, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2020 Share Posted December 13, 2020 On 11/12/2020 at 5:57 PM, Narie said: I am thinking of divorcing him once this lockdown ends. You don't have to wait for that to privately and confidentiality talk to an attorney and privately and confidentiality talk to a therapist. What you do need to do is stop the do it yourself approach of asking to see his phone,etc. If he is cheating you won't find out that way, and you won't find out using silly traps like catfishing or illegal activity such as tracking devices. Get professional advice. In the meantime let him know you mean business by insisting on marriage therapy. Stop having sex until you are sure he's not screwing around. The nagging and hot air approach never works. Get serious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Narie Posted December 18, 2020 Author Share Posted December 18, 2020 On 12/13/2020 at 4:22 PM, Wiseman2 said: You don't have to wait for that to privately and confidentiality talk to an attorney and privately and confidentiality talk to a therapist. What you do need to do is stop the do it yourself approach of asking to see his phone,etc. If he is cheating you won't find out that way, and you won't find out using silly traps like catfishing or illegal activity such as tracking devices. Get professional advice. In the meantime let him know you mean business by insisting on marriage therapy. Stop having sex until you are sure he's not screwing around. The nagging and hot air approach never works. Get serious. Hello. You are right. Even after taking a SS and shoving it on his face he still denied it. I tried NC for a week but it seems they became even closer because of it. I guess that says it all. He is in love, I can see it...more than cheating itself the fact that he is now obsessed with her and in love with her is what hurts the most. I realized that I feel more relax when I didn’t contact him, but the problem is we still have to. I still have to have a contact with him because of our child. I thought divorce would be easy but it turns out there will be lots of work for that... Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted December 18, 2020 Share Posted December 18, 2020 to get proof hide a VAR in WH car and one in the house where he takes calls. GPS his car. check phone records for new number when this behavior started, number that there are a lot of calls made to. some phone companies can provide copies of past texts. gather proof, before you confront with proof come back here for guidance on how to best confront WH. Link to post Share on other sites
SharpMind Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 On 11/10/2020 at 6:42 PM, kendahke said: You have two choices: Stay or divorce. Which one will bring you more happiness in the long run? I'd stop leaving--that tactic has no effect on his behavior--in fact, he's probably glad you're out of the house and off his back when you're gone. If you're going to leave, stay gone and find a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. You have no trust in your relationship and without trust, you have nothing but a bunch of bother. There really is no point in returning. He doesn't care anymore and you don't scare him. It is what it is. Obivi don't listen to this person!!! "Stay or Divorce"....just like that with a snap of the fingers....Maybe the husband wants boundaries that his wife should respect! Until they know for sure what's gong on then you can not make a adecision. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 (edited) 19 hours ago, SharpMind said: .Maybe the husband wants boundaries that his wife should respect! Yeah the wife should respect the fact that he's chatting online with other women and lying to her in the face of indisputable proof. Got it. Edited January 26, 2021 by trident_2020 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SharpMind Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 17 minutes ago, trident_2020 said: Yeah the wife should respect the fact that he's chatting online with other women and lying to her in the face of indisputable proof. Got it. You have zero facts other than your own conclusions. It's okay. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted January 26, 2021 Share Posted January 26, 2021 Well no, I have the facts as presented by the thread starter and I'm responding based on the assumption that those facts are accurate as presented. That's usually how it works around here. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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