Losing interest in a person because of their past dating experiences?

[Miss Spider]

I’ve known this guy awhile, but only started talking more about 2 weeks ago.There is a lot about him that I’ve always liked. He’s quiet and besides his job, he keeps to himself a lot.

Since we’ve been texting more, I discovered he’s a deep thinker. I find that very attractive. 
 

The problem is I found out through another mutual friend that he had casual sex with someone that I know. She is a 10/10 absolutely banging girl/Instagram ‘model’, so on one hand I can’t blame him. 
 

On the other hand, I’ve hung out with this woman a few times. She is...a bimbo. And possibly one of the most obnoxious people I know on multiple levels. I’m not just saying this either because I’m jealous. I mean, I might be jealous, but that’s not the reason I’m saying this. 
 

I feel so judgey, but I’m not even trying to say that I’m better than her.  Just saying she is the antithesis of everything I thought he was. 
 

, I’m just trying to make sense of what I feel right now. I feel like I’ve mentally lost all interest in this man, but other parts haven’t completely caught up.  We’re supposed to meet up this Friday and I think I want to cancel now.
 

Is this unreasonable? I think it would be more unreasonable if I didn’t know her personality so well.  or if he had slept with someone...different. But I can’t shake that feeling that he doesn’t have that high of standards. He just goes for a hot body. Yeah, I know right? Shocking. 
 

But I know there must be guys out there that do not just go for anybody just because they are physically attractive....
 

....right?!
 

It sucks, man. This guy was ‘my crush’ . He was getting me through not dating. This is someone that I was talking to about wave-particle duality and panprotopsychism with. And now I find out he indiscriminately slept with a girl who calls herself “ a bad b*tch” and has  1” long plastic fingernails with rhinestones over the summer? . I can’t believe you did this to us, baby. 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

Date outside of the group. Forget his taste in women. 

[Miss Spider]

Apologies if my post exceeds anyone’s attention span. TLDR: my hopes and dreams were crushed tonight

[Miss Spider]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Date outside of the group. Forget his taste in women. 

Ok, ok, I know, you’re right. Fine. Strong username to post content ratio.

[ajequals]

I suspect. she made the offer. he took it. nothing more.  As far as him into you.  you can tell 

[Miss Spider]

I know he’s is into me, he asked me on a date, and I understand she may have made him an offer. But  I get offered all the time. Doesn’t mean that I take it

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

Just a couple of days ago, you were planning to have fun dating and not spend more than three dates with anyone.   If you date him for just three dates then his past doesn't matter.

 

[Miss Spider]

Just now, basil67 said:

Just a couple of days ago, you were planning to have fun dating and not spend more than three dates with anyone.   If you date him for just three dates then his past doesn't matter.

 

Basil. Sorry, I just do not agree with that at all. Just because I am going only on a couple dates or I’m just talking to him casually does not mean that it doesn’t matter. It apparently does matter because I am not even attracted to this person anymore. My romantic attraction to this man substantially decreased since learning about this to the point that I really don’t see the point in going on a date anymore. I know that sounds judgey but that’s how I feel. 
 

just curious about this phenomenon and if other people have experienced it as well. Because it does seem crazy but I can’t help how I feel

[Miss Spider]

Just to be clear, this doesn’t bother me because I plan on marrying him. This bothers me on a fundamental lvl. My strong attraction to someone decreasing to almost 0 because of who they are attracted to. 

[Mystery4me]

I really don't get what the problem is? Us men will not turn down an opportunity for some XXX if it presents itself. From what you have posted about this woman, she sounds pretty hot tbh, I would hit that if I was in his position.

You two are not in a relationship, he can do what he wants, you are being very judgemental.

If you can't accept someone's past before you then you are not ready to date.

[Miss Spider]

21 minutes ago, Mystery4me said:

I really don't get what the problem is? Us men will not turn down an opportunity for some XXX if it presents itself. From what you have posted about this woman, she sounds pretty hot tbh, I would hit that if I was in his position.

You two are not in a relationship, he can do what he wants, you are being very judgemental.

If you can't accept someone's past before you then you are not ready to date.

Hahah . This made me laugh 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[contel3]

I know what you're talking about, I've experienced it, but not to that extent. How did you find out? Was he the one to tell you?

 

[Miss Spider]

16 minutes ago, contel3 said:

I know what you're talking about, I've experienced it, but not to that extent. How did you find out? Was he the one to tell you?

 

Thanks for being able to relate. It sucks. It was a mutual friend who told me. I wish I never found out

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 I can’t believe you did this to us, baby. 

He didn't do anything to you. This is part of who he was before he met you. The only thing that has changed is that your idealized image of him is gradually being replaced by the reality of who he is. 

If you're not happy with the reality of who he is, that's your right. You can choose not to date him based on that alone. But good luck finding the unicorn who has never slept with someone based purely on sexual attraction.

[elaine567]

It's not really surprising.

You thought he was one kind of a person to find he was not the person you thought he was.
Your attraction was thus extinguished. Attraction is highly subjective and may be very fragile too, it can turn on a sixpence.
He went from hero to zero in an instant. 

Who cares how many other guys would have hit it? You thought he was not just some other guy, you thought he was better and more discerning than that..
I guess if some guy found out you had recently  slept with some hot, but low class, trashy guy, his opinion of you would change too, as your actions told him who you really are.. 

[Miss Spider]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It's not really surprising.

You thought he was one kind of a person to find he was not the person you thought he was.
Your attraction was thus extinguished. Attraction is highly subjective and may be very fragile too, it can turn on a sixpence.
He went from hero to zero in an instant. 

Who cares how many other guys would have hit it? You thought he was not just some other guy, you thought he was better and more discerning than that..
I guess if some guy found out you had recently  slept with some hot, but low class, trashy guy, his opinion of you would change too, as your actions told him who you really are.. 

Yes. Thank you... just thank you so much for this.

31 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

 But good luck finding the unicorn who has never slept with someone based purely on sexual attraction.

Really , someone that considers personality  and doesn’t just sleep with anyone they simply find  physically attractive ( like me) really likened to a mythical creature? 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

Well that’s that. I just texted to canceled my date with him and then blocked.  Super awkward. And it’s 5 in the morning. He’s probably going to be like ‘wth?’

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Really , someone that considers personality  and doesn’t just sleep with anyone they simply find  physically attractive ( like me) really likened to a mythical creature

 

Have you considered that he didn’t see the side of her that you did?  She may have presented a very good front for him...and he made a choice based on what he knew at the time.

 

[Irridescent]

29 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Well that’s that. I just texted to canceled my date with him and then blocked.  Super awkward. And it’s 5 in the morning. He’s probably going to be like ‘wth?’

This is surprising. I can understand why you cancelled but by blocking you aren't even giving him the chance to understand - he will probably wonder what went wrong and will never get closure.

[Miss Spider]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

Have you considered that he didn’t see the side of her that you did?  She may have presented a very good front for him...and he made a choice based on what he knew at the time.

 

12 minutes ago, Irridescent said:

This is surprising. I can understand why you cancelled but by blocking you aren't even giving him the chance to understand - he will probably wonder what went wrong and will never get closure.

Dunno what I was supposed to say. 
“Sorry. You had casual sex with bimbos before we met. I’m no longer interested”?

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Really , someone that considers personality  and doesn’t just sleep with anyone they simply find  physically attractive ( like me) really likened to a mythical creature? 

Considering how many people the average person has sex with before finally settling down with "the one"... Yes! The odds that they will sleep casually with at least one person who is of a radically (and surprisingly) different social status/class/intellectual level/personality type is very high. 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

May be best not to chase crushes so hard.

[Blind-Sided]

4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

1)The problem is I found out through another mutual friend that he had casual sex with someone that I know. ......
 

2) I’ve hung out with this woman a few times. She is...a bimbo. And possibly one of the most obnoxious people I know ........
 

3) We’re supposed to meet up this Friday and I think I want to cancel now.

4) Is this unreasonable? 

5) But I know there must be guys out there that do not just go for anybody just because they are physically attractive....

I broke your comments up, and numbered them so I can address them.  Some of this is going to be tough love... but please hear me out.

1) Look at the bold section.   You are taking it from a source that IS NOT the actual people involved.  So, you don't ACTUALLY know if they slept together. So there is a possibility that you are making something out of nothing.

2) OK... that's your opinion.  I'm sure not everyone around that woman feels that way about her.  AND... your opinion could be influenced by her physical looks.  In my life, I've known several girls who automatically hate anyone who is prettier that they were.

3) Why?  You like the guy.  Even if he slept with the "Hot Dumb Chick"... that doesn't mean he's a bad guy or only dates "Bimbos".   AND... even if he slept with her... it could have just been situational (he was lonely, and she was easy) and HE may think she is a bimbo too.

4) YES !!!  YOU ARE BEING UNRESONABLE! You can't judge someone on EVERY SINGLE PERSON THEY SLEPT WITH.  So... unless you can say you have NEVER had a FWB or something casual... then you can't judge this guy.

5) Absolutely.  Most guys want a girl they can connect with, and not just a the hot girl.  BECASUE... to be honest... the hot girl will be high maintenance.   It's like with cars.  I need a truck because of my lifestyle, and hobbies.  (Like a good reliable girl)   But... I would like to take a Ferrari out for a ride if I get the chance. LOL. (the hot chick)

OK... all that aside... you really don't know the truth, and you are judging based of your own insecurities. You don't know if they dated, had something casual... or even talk to each other.  You are possibly throwing away something good based off bad info, and your own jealousy.  

[Blind-Sided]

52 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Dunno what I was supposed to say. 
“Sorry. You had casual sex with bimbos before we met. I’m no longer interested”?

WOW...... with that kind of comment, you may need to work on yourself before dating others. 

Now that I'm thinking of it... you are ready to make snap decisions based off of second hand information, that has not even been verified.  You really do need to get your jealousy in check.  

Sorry... but it's just the way I see it. 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Miss Spider]

6 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

So... unless you can say you have NEVER had a FWB or something casual... then you can't judge this guy.

 

I have never had a FWB or casual sex. Can I judge this guy now? 

Also, never said I had a problem with her being attractive. I actually said that was the only part I do not blame him for. it was his low standards in other areas that made me lose my interest in him.
Also,  was being sarcastic with the comment... course I would not say anything like that to someone. Which is why I opted to just cancel our date block.