Losing interest in a person because of their past dating experiences?

[Mystery4me]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Really , someone that considers personality  and doesn’t just sleep with anyone they simply find  physically attractive ( like me) really likened to a mythical creature? 

A common error women make - you think us men think the same as you. We don't. We see someone physically attractive, we want to get into their knickers because of that. It's in our biological nature. Personality and the rest are only important if it's going to be anything more than physical. If it's just physical, none of that matters.

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Well that’s that. I just texted to canceled my date with him and then blocked.  Super awkward. And it’s 5 in the morning. He’s probably going to be like ‘wth?’

Thats an incredibly immature way to deal with this. You can feel how you want to feel. But not even giving him a chance to respond? Just plain rude.

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Dunno what I was supposed to say. 
“Sorry. You had casual sex with bimbos before we met. I’m no longer interested”?

Sounds like you are jealous.

Actually I think you did the right thing by blocking him, it means he dodged a bullet. You have some self esteem issues to work on.

[Cookiesandough]

15 minutes ago, Mystery4me said:

A common error women make - you think us men think the same as you. We don't. We see someone physically attractive, we want to get into their knickers because of that. It's in our biological nature. Personality and the rest are only important if it's going to be anything more than physical. If it's just physical, none of that matters.

Thats an 

15 minutes ago, Mystery4me said:

A common error women make - you think us men think the same as you. We don't. We see someone physically attractive, we want to get into their knickers because of that. It's in our biological nature. Personality and the rest are only important if it's going to be anything more than physical. If it's just physical, none of that matters.

Thats an incredibly immature way to deal with this. You can feel how you want to feel. But not even giving him a chance to respond? Just plain rude.

Sounds like you are jealous.

Actually I think you did the right thing by blocking him, it means he dodged a bullet. You have some self esteem issues to work on.

 

Maybe you make a common error to assume are like all men are alike and think/do the same things? 

Just maybe. But you are right that I did do the right thing. I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. There was no point in going out with him or explaining to him why. 
it’s not like he could change and I wouldn’t want want him to. That’s who he is

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[princessaurora]

It's not easy to find a guy who is deep, philosophical, attractive, and that you feel a strong connection with.

My husband was one of them and I snatched him right up, but  he did sleep with alot of  women I would consider trashy before we met. When i found out, it seemed out of character for him but he has an extremely high sex drive and women were always coming on to him, so I assume that's what it was. Guys want sex any way they can get it, especially if the woman is hot and ready. I wouldn't write him off for this reason but it seems like you already did. Good luck finding another guy with those characteristics because from what I've seen  they are far and few between. 

[Cookiesandough]

20 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

It's not easy to find a guy who is deep, philosophical, attractive, and that you feel a strong connection with.

My husband was one of them and I snatched him right up, but  he did sleep with alot of  women I would consider trashy before we met. When i found out, it seemed out of character for him but he has an extremely high sex drive and women were always coming on to him, so I assume that's what it was. Guys want sex any way they can get it, especially if the woman is hot and ready. I wouldn't write him off for this reason but it seems like you already did. Good luck finding another guy with those characteristics because from what I've seen  they are far and few between. 

Oh believe me, I know... 

But I have met and dated guys like that, ones didn’t have casual sex(that I know of)I guess I am weird but I just find it more attractive. So I suppose it is just a standard I have  now. And finding that out totally changed my perspective of him. It would be like a guy who is used to dating girls that do not have casual sex finding out a girl they liked had sex with just any good looking douchecanoe. 

I am not saying he is a bad person for acting on his instinct.  I understand why people are jumping on me  me. I know I seem judgey in OP about him and this girl. Of course this is just my internal assessment. I would never say anything like this to anyone . Also, I to try to mitigate it and excuse it by saying she’s especially hot, but I realize now I don’t really need an excuse. 
 

We like what we like and that’s that. 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I have never had a FWB or casual sex. Can I judge this guy now? 
 

No.  Because it's still secondhand information, and even if he actually slept with her... it's his choice.

Now... you canceling the date... well... that's up to you.  As said above... Attraction is fluid, and changes.  I've met girls I was attracted to at first... but then it fell flat after a date or two for no real reason.  Heck... one of the women was a very successful lawyer. (I'm also highly educated) But... I just stopped pursuing her. 

Anyway... I hope you find happiness moving forward. 

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Well that’s that. I just texted to canceled my date with him and then blocked.  Super awkward. And it’s 5 in the morning. He’s probably going to be like ‘wth?’

You made the decision that "works" for you.  You did it now stick with it. 

Obviously he's wondering "wtf" because frankly you're behavior is unreasonable.  You just did a 180 on a guy you claimed to like based solely on an unverified rumor. Whoever told you that this guy slept with the woman you label a bimbo was neither of the people involved & therefore an unreliable source.  You didn't even have the maturity to investigate or talk to him. I take the most umbrage at your unwillingness to try.  You could have softly opened the discussion with a general assessment of how he feels about ONS, casual sex & then point blank asked if he was ever with her.  Because she is somebody you know, I wouldn't want her "sloppy seconds" either.  

If you are truly put off because you want your potential SO to be pure & to you that means no prior ONS, you may be waiting a long time to find a partner, past a certain age, say 18.  I think it's the rare man indeed in this modern world who doesn't take what was offered to him at least once.  You hold yourself out as the gold standard because you have never had a ONS.  That's not a fair comparison.  Women can very easily get sex.  All you have to do is say yes or offer.  It's tougher for men.  Most women aren't that willing so for a guy to turn down sex offered to him on a silver platter takes restraint many don't have.  You also don't know the circumstances of their alleged liaison.  She may have caught him in a moment of vulnerability.   

Your decision is yours & it's your life.  What I garnered from what you posted is that you behaved in a rash, judgmental manner.  To text him at 5 a.m. to cancel a date, then block him without even letting him speak is highly immature.

I fear for you.  If this is your knee jerk fear based reaction to dating, you will be single for a long time.  You refuse to even give somebody a chance.  You don't communicate.  

Don't even bother trying to undo it at this point.  Once he gets that text & realizes you have blocked him, if he's a rational person, he will put you in a category labeled unsuitable for him to date.  

You need a more measured, less emotional response to issues that come up.  

[notbroken]

Yep - now you found an excuse - you don't have to date him and not even 3 dates.   Read between the lines there.  It seems you find lots of excuses to not go out and commit with people.   I'll just be brutally honest - you find childish excuses to break things up.   Keep that up and you'll never find anyone 'worthy'.  You can always find reasons to break it off with people if you look hard enough. 

[Voivoda]

I think that man has dodged a bullet right there. Maybe he didn't wanted a one night stand with the other girl? Maybe she blew him off after one night? You have a second hand information. Anyway stay away from that man.

[poppyfields]

Here are my thoughts fwiw.

You do not need to justify, to yourself or anyone, why you stopped feeling attracted to him.  Regardless of the reason.   

I once lost attraction to a guy because I didn't like his shoes; he wore those "lift" shoes which made no sense since the guy was 6 feet barefoot!  My attraction went from 8 to 2 in a matter of seconds!  Did I feel or guilty?  No.  

If you're no longer attracted, so be.  It's good you broke the date.  

That said, there is no need to demonize the guy.  She was hot, easy, so he went for it.  It's not like he had a relationship with her, he banged her, big whoop.

Problem is, you found out.  And as a result, you now view him as lower value, beneath you, as you would never even think of doing such a thing!  Shudder at the thought!  

What you are doing now judging him, reducing him, is no different from what you were complaining about others doing to you in your thread in the rants section.  

We all makes mistakes, assuming he feels it was a mistake.  Things we've done we're not proud of.

I have, you have, most of us have. It doesn't make us lower value or beneath anyone else.  It makes us human.  We learn, grow, evolve. 

That said, again if you lost attraction, so be. No one has the right to fault or judge you for that.  I might have too.

Not sure why you blocked him.  All you had to say is you changed  your mind. Wish him well, bye. 

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm with you. A guy who has a history of hookups has zero appeal for me. Not every man gets with any random chick that offers herself up. Some men have plenty of options and are more discerning than that. These are the men I like.

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Here are my thoughts fwiw.

You do not need to justify, to yourself or anyone, why you stopped feeling attracted to him.  Regardless of the reason.   

I once lost attraction to a guy because I didn't like his shoes; he wore those "lift" shoes which made no sense since the guy was 6 feet barefoot!  My attraction went from 8 to 2 in a matter of seconds!  Did I feel or guilty?  No.  

If you're no longer attracted, so be.  It's good you broke the date.  

That said, there is no need 

Not sure why you blocked him.  All you had to say is you changed  your mind. Wish him well, bye. 

You are right. I am sorry for judging these people harshly. They are not any worse than me. They are just different. 
 

The reason I blocked it was because I just don’t feel in the mood to argue about it. For some reason, people seem to think that it’s up for debate. This person is romantically interested in me and I am not in them, so it’s better if I don’t continue to talk to them as it will waste both of our time. I did the same thing to another guy friend who I learned like me 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

The reason I blocked it was because I just don’t feel in the mood to argue about it. For some reason, people seem to think that it’s up for debate. This person is romantically interested in me and I am not in them, so it’s better if I don’t continue to talk to them as it will waste both of our time. I did the same thing to another guy friend who I learned like me 

This^ is precisely what I was talking about in your "three-date" thread.   It's often not easy suddenly breaking things off.

Some men will argue with you about it, try to talk you out of it. Or worse.   One big PITA.  It's one reason why I stopped casually dating, which I did briefly after my ex and I broke up five years ago.

In this situation, not a huge deal, you never had even one date with the guy.

But don't underestimate, a man can get quite invested after only three dates.  

Hopefully you will figure it out as you go. 

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This^ is precisely what I was talking about in your "three-date" thread.   It's often not easy suddenly breaking things off.

Some men will argue with you about it, try to talk you out of it. Or worse.   One big PITA.  It's one reason why I stopped casually dating, which I did briefly after my ex and I broke up five years ago.

In this situation, not a huge deal, you never had even one date with the guy.

But don't underestimate, a man can get quite invested after only three dates.  

Hopefully you will figure it out as you go. 

It’s a lot easier with the block button, which I utilize to its full extent . It really does make problems go away. Just make sure they don’t know where you live

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[d0nnivain]

38 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

The reason I blocked it was because I just don’t feel in the mood to argue about it. For some reason, people seem to think that it’s up for debate. This person is romantically interested in me and I am not in them, so it’s better if I don’t continue to talk to them as it will waste both of our time. I did the same thing to another guy friend who I learned like me 

It is not up for debate.  You don't have to date every person who shows interest in you. 

However, I encourage you to apply more of the Golden Rule to your dating life:  Do unto others as you would have done to you.   

It was good that you sent the no thank you message rather then just ghosting altogether but the harsh, jarring act of blocking with further discussion was unnecessarily hurtful.  You didn't even give him the chance for closer.  You didn't let him down gently.   The visceral reaction of immediately blocking was unkind.  If you can manage to initially be more sensitive in your rejections that karma should come back to help you.  Obviously if somebody doesn't get the hint or if you are the dumpee & need to heal block away but here the way you went about this was the problem.  

When you are the one who makes a decision that is going to hurt somebody else's feelings, their ease, not yours, must be paramount.   Learn to be more gracious.  

Edited November 11, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Cookiesandough]

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It is not up for debate.  You don't have to date every person who shows interest in you. 

However, I encourage you to apply more of the Golden Rule to your dating life:  Do unto others as you would have done to you.   

It was good that you sent the no thank you message rather then just ghosting altogether but the harsh, jarring act of blocking with further discussion was unnecessarily hurtful.  You didn't even give him the chance for closer.  You didn't let him down gently.   The visceral reaction of immediately blocking was unkind.  If you can manage to initially be more sensitive in your rejections that karma should come back to help you.  Obviously if somebody doesn't get the hint or if you are the dumpee & need to heal block away but here the way you went about this was the problem.  

When you are the one who makes a decision that is going to hurt somebody else's feelings, their ease, not yours, must be paramount.   Learn to be more gracious.  

I blocked because I do consider their feelings. I think blocking gives a finality. For what it’s worth, they cannot see that they are blocked on my phone. There is no red block alert or anything. I just never get their messages.

I try to do the most sensitive thing. I just know that the how it would go if I did not completely shut this book.

“I’m going to have to cancel Friday sorry“

“why“

“ I’m just not interested sorry”

“why though”

Then I have to lie or go in and reveal how I am a judgmental jack a**. 

The best case scenario is after the most awkward exchange imaginable, they agree to “stay in touch” , but they mean I’m going to stick around in your orbit until you get desperate enough to change your mind 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

I'm going to go back to before you knew he had history with this other girl.

You knew this guy had romantic interest in you.   Now given that you don't want any romantic entanglements with a guy, and have a three date rule to avoid having someone being romantically involved, why were you planning to go on a date with him to start with?   You would have been giving him a whole lot of false hope and then hurt him when you ditched him. Likewise, even guys who you date once or twice may start to think you're terrific and then you'll dump them, leaving them in a world of confusion. 

This is what I was talking about on your other thread.   Good men are not playthings to be used and dumped so that you can have fun dating.   

 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I blocked because I do consider their feelings. I think blocking gives a finality.

If you had romantic feelings for a guy and had a date booked with him, would you consider being blocked with no discussion to be the most considerate way of dealing with your feelings?

Edited November 11, 2020 by basil67

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It’s a lot easier with the block button, which I utilize to its full extent . It really does make problems go away. Just make sure they don’t know where you live

Easier for you, no doubt!  It's why most people ghost, block, ignore.  

For the recipient?  Not so much. It often confuses them.  It can be hurtful.  

I wasn't cut out for it; like the guy I mentioned in your three date thread.  He was such a nice man, rejecting him still haunts me to this day!  

 

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I blocked because I do consider their feelings. I think blocking gives a finality. For what it’s worth, they cannot see that they are blocked on my phone. There is no red block alert or anything. I just never get their messages.

I try to do the most sensitive thing. I just know that the how it would go if I did not completely shut this book.

“I’m going to have to cancel Friday sorry“

“why“

“ I’m just not interested sorry”

“why though”

Then I have to lie or go in and reveal how

The best case scenario is after the most awkward exchange imaginable, they agree to “stay in touch” , but they mean I’m going to stick around in your orbit until you get desperate enough to change your mind 

Them not knowing they have been blocked is even worse.  They have no idea why you just disappeared.  

I'm not talking about some long back & forth.  I'm talking about a 5 minute conversation & you can stick to the clichés.  Fall back on "it's not you, it's me" (even though it's them) or "I'm too busy for a relationship right now."    To the extent you agree that you are being "a judgmental jack a**" (your words not mine), it really is you so you aren't even lying.   

In the dialogue you set forth, when you get the 2nd "why?" question, you respond with something along the lines of

"This isn't open for discussion.  I'm sorry but I have decided it's best if we don't continue.  I wanted to speak to speak to you as a courtesy.  There is nothing you can do to change my mind so lets just end this. I wish you well. Take care." 

Repeat a few times if needed.   Obviously if someone doesn't take no for an answer, then you can block.  

If you have boundaries, they won't get through if you don't let them in  Say what you mean.  Don't lie & agree to be friends or stay in touch.  You weren't that close to begin with.    Here because you have mutual acquaintances all you have to agree to is civility when you see each other. 

If your goal is to be sensitive, this was a colossal failure.  Sorry.  

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Well that’s that. I just texted to canceled my date with him and then blocked.  Super awkward. And it’s 5 in the morning. He’s probably going to be like ‘wth?’

I'm curious what the reason you gave him was, or did you simply say "sorry, something came up, can't make it, bye" and then blocked?  

Even you admit he's gonna be confused, like wtf.

I guess the bottom line here shortskirts is that you just don't care.  Not a judgment, just an observation. 

Yeah for sure, he's gonna be like wtf, but hell who cares, he'll get over it. 

Anyway, nuff said.  Life goes on.  

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Voivoda]

I'm almost certain that this is trick thread to see what people are gonna write. What options does the guy have? A girl that has a 3 date rule that might be shorten depending who has he talked to in his past or really hot girl that will definitely have sex with you?

Before blocking him you should've send him a message "Call that girl and tell her to bring a friend". He will know what to do.

 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Voivoda said:

I'm almost certain that this is trick thread to see what people are gonna write.

You mean like trolling? Lol  Simply to garner reactions?  Gotta admit, the thought occurred to me as well, with some of her other threads too.

But then I thought nah, no way.  NOT cookies!  But then again, one truly never knows for sure.  On this or any other forum.  

Either way, made for a great discussion!  😂

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[MsJayne]

It's not that he slept with her that bothers you, it's that he lacks integrity and has low standards. Not everyone is a fan of the promiscuity that's now de rigueur in the dating world and you're allowed to be turned off by it, and make choices who you associate with based on other people's  behaviour, without being labelled "judge-y". My advice would be to cut him loose and find a guy who has the same standards as yourself. I wish more young women were able to see the casual sex culture for what it actually is and get some self respect. 

[Cookiesandough]

22 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

It's not that he slept with her that bothers you, it's that he lacks integrity and has low standards. Not everyone is a fan of the promiscuity that's now de rigueur in the dating world and you're allowed to be turned off by it, and make choices who you associate with based on other people's  behaviour, without being labelled "judge-y". My advice would be to cut him loose and find a guy who has the same standards as yourself. I wish more young women were able to see the casual sex culture for what it actually is and get some self respect. 

Thank you very much for this. I completely agree. I think a problem here is that people lack the ability to see things from another person‘s perspective. We all have to look through our lens and it’s very hard to escape that when giving an opinion. So it’s very hard to give a completely impartial advice. So I do not blame them for this at all.
not a trick thread. This is my life , unfortunately. I just have to chalk it up to different strokes for different folks🤠

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I'm curious what the reason you gave him was, or did you simply say "sorry, something came up, can't make it, bye" and then blocked?  

Even you admit he's gonna be confused, like wtf.

I guess the bottom line here shortskirts is that you just don't care.  Not a judgment, just an observation. 

Yeah for sure, he's gonna be like wtf, but hell who cares, he'll get over it. 

Anyway, nuff said.  Life goes on.  

Yes. I said sorry I cannot make it. And then I blocked. Don’t  see a problem with this.  There is no reason for to continue the conversation. Also, I do apply the golden rule here. If a guy told me this, I would not ask WHY or want to know why. I would simply MOVE ON, unless he asked me for another date. And you’re absolutely right he may think it’s a little strange I sent that text and never answered at 5 AM. But he is a big boy, clearly no problems with ladies, and he will get over it I am sure.  I suppose if I had all the time and patience in the world  I could write a long explanation and repeat it a few times like Don, says , but I’m not sure anyone would end up feeling any better. 

I do see your point however though, Basil. And I am seeing that problem with a lot of the dating I intend to do because I DO like the romantic connection. It is reconciling that with only wanting short term /nothing serious that is a huge moral dilemma for me, but I’m far from the only one with this problem and many people are a lot less considerate about it than I am. I think I give my actions and how they impact others a lot of consideration, don’t know how you can say I don’t care. 

Thank you all so much anyway for your opinions and perspectives. It is appreciated as always. But nothing more for me to say on this matter

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm with you. A guy who has a history of hookups has zero appeal for me. Not every man gets with any random chick that offers herself up. Some men have plenty of options and are more discerning than that. These are the men I like.

How can you be sure the guys you like are this way? Many people are discreet and don't advertise to the whole world the full list of people they have slept with.