Dating a Married Woman

[kconleyk]

I am writing this mostly to get others opinions, I've never really put myself in this situation before, so not sure if I should feel like a Scum Bag or if this is more on the others involved in the situation.

A little back story about myself, late 30's, my 9 year old daughter lives with me full time, I had a rough break up with her mom, and have only casually dated since my daughter was 1 and I broke it off with her mom.   I have only introduced one woman to my daughter in the last 8 years, and she was to young to even really remember that, so basically she has never met anyone I've dated.   I coach all her sports teams, we have a big friend base and being in a relationship after the nightmare of her mom was never something I sought out.

Being the coach, and women seeing how good I am with my daughter and all the other girls on the soccer, basketball and softball teams, a lot of single moms ask me out for drinks, and I casually date a good bit.   I have lot's of kids over for play dates and sleep overs, and a lot of moms in my small town will text me constantly and we've developed good friendships and a lot of casual dating.   However up until this point, it has been all single moms, and I've never caught feelings, it's been about fun.    One of my daughters oldest friends, they've been playing soccer together since they were 4, has a mom who things have always been flirtaous with.  A couple months ago, my daughter went to spend the night there, I dropped her off, the husband and wife were there and I had a drink with them while my daughter was getting situated for the sleep over.   The husband eventually walked to the neighbors and I had another drink with the wife, with some light flirting, but I thought nothing of it and left.  The entire night the mom was texting me updates about the sleep over, and would throw in a few other comments to keep the conversation going, and to keep us talking, eventually she asked about my daughters mom and that situation, and I told her and ended with "and that is why I stay single" which she quickly replied that she understood and she felt single because she has been unhappy in her marriage for years and how he was never around, and they have slept in different rooms for months, how she considered them seperated, but was trying to go through the process and figure out housing, financials, etc before she took any legal steps.     We kept up friendly banter for the entire week, till the following weekend when after the soccer game the entire team and parents went to a local brewery after for lunch, she sat next to me, talked with me the whole time and acted like her husband didn't exist, again I thought nothing of it, being the single dad and coach, woman always sit by me and talk because most of the time the women are the ones taking the kids to the games and practices etc.    Her daughter spent the night at my house that night after the brewery, but she conveniently left her "lovey/blankie" at home, so her mom had to bring it to my house.   She got there, gave her daughter the blankie and I asked her if she wanted a drink or if she had to go, she replied, I took the blankie out of her bag just so I could bring it to her tonight and talk with you alone.   The kids went upstairs and we stood in the kitchen and kissed for what felt like forever.  I pulled back at first because she was married and I felt bad but then I went with it.  That was two months ago, since, we have lived in our little bubble.   At soccer games (travel team) we all car pool and she always chooses to ride with me, every weekend the girls have a play date or a sleep over and she is at my house.    She has gone out with friends on friday's and ended up at my house till 2-3 in the morning every time.    Last saturday, she had plans with a friend, who bailed on her and my daughter was having a sleep over at another friends house, so she ended up staying at my house over night for the first time, we had sex for the first time, and then she stayed most of the day the next day, and we didn't leave the bed just layed and talked and enjoyed each other. 

I ask her about her wants with me, and she says happily ever after, I asked her about her situation at home and she says it is 110% over she just needs to figure out how to protect the kids (the kids know they sleep in separate rooms and aren't happy together), she says once she is divorced she won't want to get married again right away but wants me in her life romantically, and tells me how quickly she is falling in love with me.   We spend the majority of every day texting back and forth, with deep feelings, and talks about the present and the future.   It has all happened so fast, but soccer season is ending and with Covid basketball is not starting, so the time we do spend together will be cut in half in the next few weeks.   

Anyone have experienced something like this A) am I a scum bag?  B) I've never wanted a relationship in the 8 years since splitting with my daughters mom and I want that all and more with this woman.

Do you think I am just a distraction for her, or I can trust her words about how much I mean to her?

[BaileyB]

I hate to state the obvious, but married people can’t “date.” They are otherwise committed... You can’t “date” a woman who has a husband. 

I think you are being very naive here.

Engaging in an affair with the mother of your child’s friend is unwise. When it is discovered, it will change your daughter’s life and your relationship with your child forever. Are you prepared for that? 

As for this woman, of course you can’t trust her words, when she goes home to sleep with her husband every night. Her words don’t even begin to match her actions. Besides, you don’t really want a woman who could so casually flirt with another man... Let’s say you do get with her, what’s to stop her from kissing the next man she meets. Not to mention the fact that she is suggesting that she would hop from one relationship to another, with a man that she hardly knows. These are serious judgment and character flaws, ignore that at your own peril. 

Find yourself a single woman to date, it will be much less complicated and much more successful for you. 

Edited November 11, 2020 by BaileyB

[BreakOnThrough]

Tell her to take care of her business, if you both feel the same after, continue on, anything else will just lead to trouble, guaranteed.

[Bonifidelifelover]

Ok no I don’t think ur a scum bag, this type tale is as old as time & it happens! Don’t beat urself up! However, What I do think is If you have so many women at ur beck & call then I think you need to find urself a woman of Great character, which I don’t think this woman is. Trust me, if u left ur baby mama cause she was a nightmare just think what this situation will be should the husband find out, should the soccer friends find out, should u decide u don’t want to see her no more (I think she’ll get petty), should all this happen it’s likely ur daughter will definitely lose her bff due to the nightmare. then you will look like a scum bag to those people who will inevitably judge you and her. it’ll be a big mess! Rumors will go on. Is there no ethics code as a coach for the organization you coach for? Because ur definitely in a moral dilemma. 

Take it for what it’s worth, a fling! But stop it. Stop it now! 

[Bonifidelifelover]

Plus don’t buy any of what she is selling! I highly doubt they are over, sleeping in separate beds yadda yadda blah blah blah! It’s lies! I guarantee it! She just wanted to get in ur pants & you let her succeed 

[mark clemson]

So - first off, you're not "dating", you're having an affair. Sometimes it's a step towards ending a marriage where the person isn't happy. Just as often it appears to be a way to maintain an unhappy marriage - an emotional band aid of sorts. And sometimes the person isn't really unhappy at all but just enjoys cheating or wants the option of having multiple partners.

Secondly - this could blow up in a BIG way if found out. Sometimes these wayward spouses leave when discovered, sometimes they desperately cling to what they might lose. It could go either way. Her husband could "lay down the law" with her and restrict her life, even become abusive. He might start rumors/make false accusations of you doing stuff with the kid as well. Not overly likely, but it's certainly not outside the realm.

IF they divorce anyhow (without your input) that's on them. IF you are part of the reason they divorce, think of that little girl. Do you really want to live with knowing you helped break up her family?

You seem to like the coaching a lot - IF this gets out, there's a good chance many of the parents won't accept you as a coach. Certainly not the dads. There will be those who bash you and badmouth you for it. All these nice options you have may suddenly become much scarcer.

My thought would be to, as nicely as possible, tell her to get herself straight and break off the affair. Tell her you'll give her a year to sort out whether she's staying or going and that in the meantime, you should be free to date someone else in case she stays. You like her, but she needs to figure out what she REALLY wants and put her money where her mouth is.

As others are pointing out, continuing this is asking for problems. Ones that MAY spin well out of your control to address. In terms of risk vs. reward for you, this should be a no brainer.

Edited November 18, 2020 by mark clemson

[Bonifidelifelover]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

So - first off, you're not "dating", you're having an affair. Sometimes it's a step towards ending a marriage where the person isn't happy. Just as often it appears to be a way to maintain an unhappy marriage - an emotional band aid of sorts. And sometimes the person isn't really unhappy at all but just enjoys cheating or wants the option of having multiple partners.

Secondly - this could blow up in a BIG way if found out. Sometimes these wayward spouses leave when discovered, sometimes they desperately cling to what they might lose. It could go either way. Her husband could "lay down the law" with her and restrict her life, even become abusive. He might start rumors/make false accusations of you doing stuff with the kid as well. Not overly likely, but it's certainly not outside the realm.

IF they divorce anyhow (without your input) that's on them. IF you are part of the reason they divorce, think of that little girl. Do you really want to live with knowing you helped break up her family?

You seem to like the coaching a lot - IF this gets out, there's a good chance many of the parents won't accept you as a coach. Certainly not the dads. There will be those who bash you and badmouth you for it. All these nice options you have may suddenly become much scarcer.

My thought would be to, as nicely as possible, tell her to get herself straight and break off the affair. Tell her you'll give her a year to sort out whether she's staying or going and that in the meantime, you should be free to date someone else in case she stays. You like her, but she needs to figure out what she REALLY wants and put her money where her mouth is.

As others are pointing out, continuing this is asking for problems. Ones that MAY spin well out of your control to address. In terms of risk vs. reward for you, this should be a no brainer.

Once again great perspective & advice mark 

[Wiseman2]

Reflect on the fact that unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

That means a married woman is a convenience to you.

A real relationship would require you to be present in more ways than trysts and texting.

[BareBones]

On 11/11/2020 at 7:28 AM, kconleyk said:

Anyone have experienced something like this A) am I a scum bag?  B) I've never wanted a relationship in the 8 years since splitting with my daughters mom and I want that all and more with this woman.

First off, thank you for posting from a male/OM perspective— I feel like most are from OW POV, so it’s refreshing. I don’t think you are a scumbag—You are vulnerable and fell for someone—you are human. 

I’m so skeptical about people I pushed my MM to be very clear on what his marriage is/isn’t and why he wants to file before I would even keep TALKING to him much less anything else as you never know what goes on behind closed doors. 

I would have an UBER serious convo with the MW about what is really going on and what she’s thinking about future-wise. It’s seems so formal at an early stage but if this is something you want to pursue you need all the facts and have as much honesty as possible. 

I would push to wait until you know she wants to file or formally separate as there are lots of repercussions with your situation (and just the whole married thing) given you are a coach and ladies (and gents) talk.

I’m trying to be fair and helpful as I’m just noticing a lot of judgment when I read these posts, which aren’t helpful. 

Good luck and please keep us updated—it helps all of us that are currently involved with an MM or MW. 
 

BareBones

[trident_2020]

You're not a scumbag but you're putting a lot of trust in a woman you know nothing about.

When I was dating I'd pull the plug if there was any talk of "we are married but will be getting divorced".

Cut her off and tell her to look you up when she's really single and available.

But I'm betting you won't because it feels too good right now.

 

[Watercolors]

On 11/11/2020 at 7:28 AM, kconleyk said:

I am writing this mostly to get others opinions, I've never really put myself in this situation before, so not sure if I should feel like a Scum Bag or if this is more on the others involved in the situation.

A little back story about myself, late 30's, my 9 year old daughter lives with me full time, I had a rough break up with her mom, and have only casually dated since my daughter was 1 and I broke it off with her mom.   I have only introduced one woman to my daughter in the last 8 years, and she was to young to even really remember that, so basically she has never met anyone I've dated.   I coach all her sports teams, we have a big friend base and being in a relationship after the nightmare of her mom was never something I sought out.

Being the coach, and women seeing how good I am with my daughter and all the other girls on the soccer, basketball and softball teams, a lot of single moms ask me out for drinks, and I casually date a good bit.   I have lot's of kids over for play dates and sleep overs, and a lot of moms in my small town will text me constantly and we've developed good friendships and a lot of casual dating.   However up until this point, it has been all single moms, and I've never caught feelings, it's been about fun.    One of my daughters oldest friends, they've been playing soccer together since they were 4, has a mom who things have always been flirtaous with.  A couple months ago, my daughter went to spend the night there, I dropped her off, the husband and wife were there and I had a drink with them while my daughter was getting situated for the sleep over.   The husband eventually walked to the neighbors and I had another drink with the wife, with some light flirting, but I thought nothing of it and left.  The entire night the mom was texting me updates about the sleep over, and would throw in a few other comments to keep the conversation going, and to keep us talking, eventually she asked about my daughters mom and that situation, and I told her and ended with "and that is why I stay single" which she quickly replied that she understood and she felt single because she has been unhappy in her marriage for years and how he was never around, and they have slept in different rooms for months, how she considered them seperated, but was trying to go through the process and figure out housing, financials, etc before she took any legal steps.     We kept up friendly banter for the entire week, till the following weekend when after the soccer game the entire team and parents went to a local brewery after for lunch, she sat next to me, talked with me the whole time and acted like her husband didn't exist, again I thought nothing of it, being the single dad and coach, woman always sit by me and talk because most of the time the women are the ones taking the kids to the games and practices etc.    Her daughter spent the night at my house that night after the brewery, but she conveniently left her "lovey/blankie" at home, so her mom had to bring it to my house.   She got there, gave her daughter the blankie and I asked her if she wanted a drink or if she had to go, she replied, I took the blankie out of her bag just so I could bring it to her tonight and talk with you alone.   The kids went upstairs and we stood in the kitchen and kissed for what felt like forever.  I pulled back at first because she was married and I felt bad but then I went with it.  That was two months ago, since, we have lived in our little bubble.   At soccer games (travel team) we all car pool and she always chooses to ride with me, every weekend the girls have a play date or a sleep over and she is at my house.    She has gone out with friends on friday's and ended up at my house till 2-3 in the morning every time.    Last saturday, she had plans with a friend, who bailed on her and my daughter was having a sleep over at another friends house, so she ended up staying at my house over night for the first time, we had sex for the first time, and then she stayed most of the day the next day, and we didn't leave the bed just layed and talked and enjoyed each other. 

I ask her about her wants with me, and she says happily ever after, I asked her about her situation at home and she says it is 110% over she just needs to figure out how to protect the kids (the kids know they sleep in separate rooms and aren't happy together), she says once she is divorced she won't want to get married again right away but wants me in her life romantically, and tells me how quickly she is falling in love with me.   We spend the majority of every day texting back and forth, with deep feelings, and talks about the present and the future.   It has all happened so fast, but soccer season is ending and with Covid basketball is not starting, so the time we do spend together will be cut in half in the next few weeks.   

Anyone have experienced something like this A) am I a scum bag?  B) I've never wanted a relationship in the 8 years since splitting with my daughters mom and I want that all and more with this woman.

Do you think I am just a distraction for her, or I can trust her words about how much I mean to her?

I don’t think you’re a scumbag. However, I do think she’s manipulating you so that she can use you as a rebound from her divorce. She knows that her friends can’t be there for her emotionally 24/7 after she and her husband legally divorce and she’s all alone. But now that she’s slept with you and has you hooked on her, she knows you will be her emotional support device, available at her beck and call. 

This is not a healthy start to a romantic relationship. Run, Forest, Run. Let this woman deal with her divorce fallout on her own with her own friends and her own therapist. Extricate yourself from her entanglement right quick, or she will destroy your life. I use ‘destroy’ in the non-dramatic sense. But she will literally drag your name and reputation through the mud. You will likely lose your coaching job once the school finds out you had an ‘affair’ with a married woman (which technically, by sleeping with her while she is married, you did). 

Put your daughter and yourself first and extract yourself from this woman’s life. Stop texting her. Stop having sex with her. Tell her, you have to go back to being platonic with her for your daughter’s sake. And don’t explain further. She is going to use you and it won’t be pretty. 

[Zona]

Just a word of caution. If she can so easily lie to and deceive her husband, what makes you think she is being honest with you?

Why don't you call up her husband and get his permission to sleep with her since they are living separate lives anyway. What do you think his reaction would be? Probably getting you fired from all your coaching duties for one.

Why risk your reputation and livelihood for a cheater?

Edited November 25, 2020 by Zona

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/11/2020 at 2:28 PM, kconleyk said:

I can trust her words about how much I mean to her?

Does she strike you as a particularly trustworthy woman? 

Dude. 

Also, she wants to figure out a way to protect her kids in the event of a divorce - and yet she's got a ticking timebomb in her hand that could blow up their whole world? You need to give your head a good shake, OP. This woman is bad news. 

And you're probably not the first one she's stepped out with. She's a bit too comfortable with her infidelity and bit too practiced at what to say and do for this to be her first rodeo. 

[Mook77]

Be careful. I'd stop doing this .

You never know the wrath of a jealous husband. Besides it's adultery and you will lose face with God and the soccer parents. 

They could ask you to stop coaching. Your daughter would eventually hear about this. 

Too much to lose. 🙏👉👌

[Commongoal123]

Regardless of the part where she's married and has overstepped a major boundary by flirting and telling you all about how unhappy she is in her relationship... she's still married.  There is no way she's ready to actually be in a relationship with someone else.

How long has it taken you to actually have feelings again since your divorce?  8 years was it?  She certainly has a similar process ahead of her.  Also.... don't go back to the same type of woman as your ex wife.  Try and see the similarities and red flags between this one and your ex wife.  Get creative about that when you do it.

Either way, divorce takes a long time to recover from.  So do LTRs.  Years.  You literally have the pick of the town and you're going for the one woman who doesn't have her life together.  Maybe look inward at yourself and consider why that might be.  Does she remind your of your ex wife in certain ways?  Does she remind you of YOU while going through divorce?  Both?

It isn't worth it man.  And it won't work out.

Edited November 27, 2020 by Commongoal123
Typos

[kconleyk]

Hey everyone,

Regardless of positive or negative, I appreciate all the feedback.  It has been a few weeks since the original post and I just wanted to follow up on everything.   My head is F'd right now.   

For the last few weeks things have continued as they have, including her bringing her kids over and all of us making dinner and watching a Christmas Movie together.   Almost like she needed it but it didn't matter if it was with me or whoever, she just wanted that family atmosphere and peaceful feeling.  She sat next to me, we held hands under a blanket so the kids couldn't see.   Over thanksgiving she had family in town, well his family in town, and she texted me the entire day, acting like nothing was wrong but it killed me she was with him and not with me.   Saturday night she came over and spent the night (my daughter was visiting her mom), it was a great night, I think we had sex like 6 times in a 12 hours, and even woke up in the middle of the night because our bodies touched and we woke up and went at it.    I am not saying that braggingly nor would I brag to people on the internet haha, I am saying that because it is confusing to me.  Sunday she visited a friend, and had lunch with her and by Sunday night she had told me her feelings were to strong for me and it wasn't healthy for her to be in a relationship while technically still married, and she needed to focus on herself and her kids.    I've heard from her just a few short times since then, and every text talks about how strong her feelings are for me but she can't do it right now, that she needs to find herself and make herself happy not rely on me to be happy, or have to worry about making me happy.   

I knew it had to end soon until she was divorced anyway but it hurts.  Everyone says she probably has done this before, or she knew what she was doing, and while I can see that point of view I just don't get that vibe from her.  I truly think I was the first time she cheated on her husband, I truly think she has crazy feelings for me.     

I told her all along I didn't want to feel like a distraction or a fling, and she promised me I wasn't.   Now I feel worthless and used.   

As far as finding someone else, or going with an easy option not someone with baggage, I wish I could.   I live in a small town, most people don't leave after high school, most have known each other for years, if not their entire life.    I am picky in who I am attracted to, and that's my fault because I do have plenty of people who want to hang out, again not saying that braggingly, but I just am not attracted to those people.    This woman swept me off my feet, which I know is weird for a guy to say, she was attractive, caring and sweet, her personality was full of charisma.

I don't know that she just used me for sex, cause believe me she could find someone better to fill that role in so many ways.    I just feel worthless right now, and the stupid thing is I know I shouldn't but I do.

Her daughter is supposed to come over for a play date on Thursday, because I told her I refuse to let me daughter suffer because I was a jack ass for falling for you.  So I am sure she will drop her off Thursday.

I was going along in life so happy, and three months ago she started texting me out of the blue and now this feeling of worthlessness.

Thanks everyone for reading.

[Zona]

Best to extract yourself from this situation completely. It will be painful, but strict NC is the way to go, which means no more sleep overs or playdates for your daughter with your AP's kids. 

Honestly, I am not a shrink, but I have some hard learned life lessons about narcissism and borderline personality disorder, and I wouldn't be surprised if your AP has one of those. She is likely lying to you in the same way she is lying to her husband.

 

[kconleyk]

4 hours ago, Zona said:

Best to extract yourself from this situation completely. It will be painful, but strict NC is the way to go, which means no more sleep overs or playdates for your daughter with your AP's kids. 

Honestly, I am not a shrink, but I have some hard learned life lessons about narcissism and borderline personality disorder, and I wouldn't be surprised if your AP has one of those. She is likely lying to you in the same way she is lying to her husband.

 

It's hard to hurt my daughter and not let her see a friend, but at the end of the day I guess I made that decision a long time ago that I could risk her friendship, and that now in the light of day makes me feel like s*** that I could hurt my daughter.     She got me good, I was lonely, I casually date a lot but never found someone who gave me butterflies the way she did in recent years, so I threw myself completely in even though I knew the end result and hurt that would come.

It was/is like she is a drug, and I need another hit, which is a feeling I am not used to.

[Bonifidelifelover]

15 hours ago, Zona said:

Best to extract yourself from this situation completely. It will be painful, but strict NC is the way to go, which means no more sleep overs or playdates for your daughter with your AP's kids. 

Honestly, I am not a shrink, but I have some hard learned life lessons about narcissism and borderline personality disorder, and I wouldn't be surprised if your AP has one of those. She is likely lying to you in the same way she is lying to her husband.

 

Borderlines are thee worst! 

[Bonifidelifelover]

10 hours ago, kconleyk said:

It's hard to hurt my daughter and not let her see a friend, but at the end of the day I guess I made that decision a long time ago that I could risk her friendship, and that now in the light of day makes me feel like s*** that I could hurt my daughter.     She got me good, I was lonely, I casually date a lot but never found someone who gave me butterflies the way she did in recent years, so I threw myself completely in even though I knew the end result and hurt that would come.

It was/is like she is a drug, and I need another hit, which is a feeling I am not used to.

I don’t know what it is, but sometimes our heart just chooses someone and we can’t fully explain why. However it is really best u get urself out of the situation. Take advantage of her wanting out. Cause it’s going to be a mess if it continues, unfortunately. I’m on here cause I too was with a married friend. So I get it. I wish u the best.

[ajequals]

Although This situation is extremely enticing at some point I feel she will move on. In a triangle she has total control. and you will find. your the odd man out. It's just the nature of this situation. I'm afraid

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, kconleyk said:

including her bringing her kids over and all of us making dinner and watching a Christmas Movie together.   Almost like she needed it but it didn't matter if it was with me or whoever, she just wanted that family atmosphere and peaceful feeling.  She sat next to me, we held hands under a blanket so the kids couldn't see.  

Harsh words ahead: shame on the both of you for doing this. 

This is not fair to any of the kids involved. They don't get a choice in their parents playing happy families in such a dysfunctional context. I am sure they enjoyed themselves but that is exactly why it is not cool to bring them together like this when you know it could be blown up at any moment. It's not right to give them the impression that you're all a cohesive unit, and then take that away from them. You and their mom should know better. 

It is better that she called it off. This was not going to end well for you. You don't get the vibe that this woman is capable of having cheated before? My guy, you are being willfully naïve here. She was quick to take this from acquaintance to bed-mate, and she's pretty bold in her lies to her husband and involving her children in her affair. What kind of vibe does that give you, exactly?

Unfortunately, I think you were so flattered by her attention that you lost all common sense. You didn't want to see the craptacular character traits she possesses, and I think you were convincing yourself that she might just leave her husband for you. But now, you see that was never her intention. You're there as a prop to a woman who is lonely and bored in her marriage but she is still very much choosing to stay married. Stop all communication with her. No more play dates between your kids. Will that upset your daughter? Perhaps, but you really should have thought that through before, Dad. 

Let this be an important lesson: never, ever get involved with a married woman again. 

[kconleyk]

5 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

I don’t know what it is, but sometimes our heart just chooses someone and we can’t fully explain why. However it is really best u get urself out of the situation. Take advantage of her wanting out. Cause it’s going to be a mess if it continues, unfortunately. I’m on here cause I too was with a married friend. So I get it. I wish u the best.

How did you get yourself out?

Last night I went off on her in texts and told her to leave me alone.   I told her she made me feel like a bad father, because I allowed the kids to get involved and I hated myself for that.   Her daughter is supposed to come over on Thursday, and she said how she would still like to come over with her other kids but I said no unless it was on my terms, and that if I felt like a bad dad it was on me because she still wanted to come over.     I said I didn't want things on my terms that I couldn't be just platonic friends, after what we had built.

She told me numerous over the last few months that "I have her heart".     The other day she went on a rant about how her dad is an alcoholic and she always had to cover up for him, and try and make sure her mom was happy, and that she told me things because she cared about me and thought I needed to hear it to be happy.

She tells me she has strong feelings for me, but out of no where after three months of telling me her marriage was over, she told me she didn't have a crystal ball but she believes it's over.  She said she didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship while still married (I know that isn't possible anyway).  She said how she needs to find herself again, and focus on her and her children.

I don't know whether to believe her or not, I don't know whether to trust her words or not, I don't know how to tell if she is lying or being sincere and just truly confused in life.     

I care about her which sucks, I wish I didn't.   However, I never would have started anything with her if she didn't tell me her marriage wasn't all but over.   

I am killing myself mentally, I don't know how to recover from this.

My daughters mom was definitely Borderline, so I am used to it but why am I attracted to these people, there are perfectly good women in my area who would love to go out with me and I am not remotely attracted to any of them.

This sucks

[kconleyk]

Every relationship I have allowed myself to get in after I split with my daughters mom has ended truly insanely or now with this been a bad idea from the start.  Why am I attracted to such bad characters?

1) Was in a relationship with another woman from soccer (the girls were no longer on the same team and weren't friends) we dated for a few months.   A mutual friend set us up.   I thought things were going good and then one day I wake up, and the mutual friend who set us up, called me to tell me the woman I was dating and her husband and been having an affair on the side for over a year and she had just found out.

2) I dated a PreK teacher at my daughters school (funny thing is the married woman is a PreK teacher at the same school) we dated for 3-4 months and things were going great.    One day she told me her ex showed up at her door and proposed, and while she said no to him she wants to to be with him again, they are now married...

3) I get involved with a married chic

Something has to be wrong with me

 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, kconleyk said:

However, I never would have started anything with her if she didn't tell me her marriage wasn't all but over.   

This a great learning moment: don't believe everything someone says. 

She is not to be trusted, and never was. Her words are meaningless when her behavior and choices speak a lot more loudly and betray those words. 

She has shown you very clearly that she's incredibly self-serving and will say whatever she thinks sounds good to get what she wants.   Don't let this woman near your home again. You'll never move on if she's always lingering around in some way. 

Out of curiosity, how did you think this was going to play out? That she would file for divorce and start a relationship with you, or?

Also, what do you plan to say to her husband if he finds out and comes banging on your door? Or tells everyone in your circle and daughter's team that you were nailing his wife? I don't say that to be crude, but have you genuinely taken the time to anticipate the consequences of this? It could go a lot further than your own hurt feelings, OP.