Dating a Married Woman

[kconleyk]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 

Well, my head is telling me that something is REALLY WRONG with her judgment if she is talking about bring her children over to her affair partners house to watch a movie and make dinner together. Am I reading that correctly? 

Let’s ask your gut - how do you think her husband, the father of these children, will feel about that? Put yourself in his position, how would you feel about your wife taking your children to her affair partners home for an evening of dinner and movies?

My friend, I realize that you think the sun rises and sets on this woman and if only you had more time in person, she would think more with her heart and less with her head... that she would open up to you, and trust you, and leave her husband, and disrupt both of your children’s lives... do you see where I’m going with this. When you take a step back, does that sound reasonable to you? Not even mentioning the fact that you have decided you trust this woman that you BARELY KNOW when what you do know about her is that she is cheating on a man that she has promised to love, honour, and keep only unto him... 

The only part of this that is hard to explain, is before we every had something physical or romantic happen, she would come over while the kids played.   The kids would watch a movie and we would be in the living room or in the kitchen.   So while yes once the affair, relationship, whatever the f*** it was started, now it seems weird that the kids are involved.  However if we go back 4 months, us planning to get the kids together and her staying while her kid is there, or me being at her house while my kid is there, is not out of the ordinary.

[ExpatInItaly]

23 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

 Why push and pull?   Why not just end?    Why all of sudden tell me she can't be in a relationship while still married (Yes I know how dumb that sounds), why tell me how much is was falling for me, and two weeks later act like I am nothing more than a friend to her?    Why the insane crazy change from not even day to day but hour to hour in her texts?

The most likely explanation is that she pulls away when she fears her husband might be on to her. 

This is what affairs are, OP. They're not consistent. They're full of ups and downs, periods of intensity and periods of silence. Periods of lots of communication, and periods of zero communication. Take a look through other threads on this forum, and you'll hear the same stories over and over. Affair partners in deep, and then left in the dust. That's because - at the end of the day - you are not her priority. Her priority is keeping her marriage. You are someone she plays with when she wants her ego stroked, some attention, some affection. But you're fooling yourself if you think her marriage isn't more important to her. It is, or she wouldn't be trying to keep you away when it suits her. 

That's not to say she doesn't like you to some degree, but this woman is a right piece of work. You'll see that once you untangle yourself from this. All the things she says to you? She also likely knows exactly when to say those things to her husband, just to keep the peace and not blow the marriage apart. She's being an awful wife and she's being a pretty bad mom these days too. She is putting her children's whole world, family unit, and general sense of security at risk by having an affair. What she's doing could destroy those kids' lives as they know it.

This is a woman who puts her desires ahead of everyone else's - including the best interests of her own children. 

What does that tell you about this person? 

Edited December 8, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

I hate this.  I hate feeling like this. 

You want answers? This is your answer. If you don’t like feeling this way, stop it. Tell her that you can no longer see her anymore. 

Quote

 

I don't know that you can tell me, or anyone really can, but I work so much better on the why and reasoning behind actions.   Why push and pull?   Why not just end?    Why all of sudden tell me she can't be in a relationship while still married (Yes I know how dumb that sounds), why tell me how much is was falling for me, and two weeks later act like I am nothing more than a friend to her?    Why the insane crazy change from not even day to day but hour to hour in her texts?

Why tell me I was her happy place?   Why for three months, make every effort to see me, only act like I don't exist now but a few short texts a day?   Then they next text me a bunch again.

I don't get it, how can someone just be like that, use someone?  Or does she have feelings for me and she is just confused?   Is she really just going insane from the home situation, a new job and the holidays and is shutting down emotionally?  

If I just had an answer maybe I could get closure and I could force myself to walk away.

Here are a few more questions for you to consider. Where is your responsibility in this? Why are you waiting for her to give you closure before you decide to end this very dysfunctional affair? What would she have to do or say for you to decide to end this? Why are you giving her all the control? Why are you allowing her to determine your happiness and your future? Why do you allow her to treat you this way? Where is your self respect? 

Look, the short answer to your question is - this is typical of an affair. But, there is more here in that this woman is behaving more erratically, more irrationally,  ore selfishly, than many. And yet - you expect a rational explanation from this woman - who is making irrational decisions? She is behaving in an erratic manner, making selfish decisions, and you are waiting for her to lead the way...

She is only able to play with you on a string if you allow it. Your closure doesn’t come from her, it’s a decision that you make for yourself. And your children.

 

Edited December 8, 2020 by BaileyB

[kconleyk]

Out of nowhere she just texted me "trying to be upfront and honest, we have been in the same bed again since Friday, nothing has or will happen physically but wanted you to know"

Like she was/is some amazing person, and being upfront and honest, 5 days after it started.   I am a f***ing idiot.....

[Milly May June]

Dude, is she really worth the effort and the drama and the disruption this will cause? 

If this comes out (and chansen are high it will) where will this leave your daughter? Do you think her kids will still be her friends? Nice to her? How will she handle roumers at school? This infatuation of yours is impacting more people then you and your affair partner. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

Out of nowhere she just texted me "trying to be upfront and honest, we have been in the same bed again since Friday, nothing has or will happen physically but wanted you to know"

And you believe this?🤔

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

And you believe this?🤔

Exactly my thought. 

Kconleyk, she is where she wants to be. 

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

And you believe this?🤔

Exactly. 

OP, this woman lies all the time. You would be very foolish to think she's being honest with you now. 

If you continue, know that you are very much sharing her with her husband. You have to stop believing all the BS she serves up. She's his wife; of course they're going to have sex at some point. 

Time to stop deluding yourself. 

[kconleyk]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

And you believe this?🤔

No I don't believe it, I am saying the fact that she texts that and then wants to act like she is saving the day by telling me, like she is acting like such a good person by telling me, I don't believe a word of it.   I just hate how smug she was about it, hate how she acted like she was being this perfect person by telling me.

A second before that text she texted me, "I miss what we had" and then goes into a text about being back in bed with her husband.    

I just hate myself so much right now 

[Milly May June]

Why was she telling you about her marriage? Why were they sleeping in separate bedrooms? 

[Beca L]

5 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

A second before that text she texted me, "I miss what we had" and then goes into a text about being back in bed with her husband.    

I just hate myself so much right now 

I'm so sorry you are going through this but you must see what a terrible person she is. Do not put her on any kind of pedestal, she is not worth it. You deserve so much better and you must start to recognise your own worth and act accordingly. 

Cut all contact with her asap, do not entertain any more of her BS. Walk away with your head held high and let her get on with her mess of a marriage. Her poor H has no idea that she is disrespecting their relationship and you must remember that if she can treat him this way she WILL NOT treat you any better. 

Don't hate yourself, we all make mistakes and love makes us blind sometimes. However do not continue to make these mistakes and walk away now. Hope you have the strength to do it ((hugs))

[kconleyk]

6 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I'm so sorry you are going through this but you must see what a terrible person she is. Do not put her on any kind of pedestal, she is not worth it. You deserve so much better and you must start to recognise your own worth and act accordingly. 

Cut all contact with her asap, do not entertain any more of her BS. Walk away with your head held high and let her get on with her mess of a marriage. Her poor H has no idea that she is disrespecting their relationship and you must remember that if she can treat him this way she WILL NOT treat you any better. 

Don't hate yourself, we all make mistakes and love makes us blind sometimes. However do not continue to make these mistakes and walk away now. Hope you have the strength to do it ((hugs))

Thank you for your kind words, I have only let a few women make me feel this worthless in my life time, and I don't know why I let her but I do.   I am struggling hard just to get out of bed in the mornings and can't focus on work.   I hate this feeling, I feel used, worthless, not good enough and why because I let a married woman control my mind.

I went off on her in texts and then blocked her.   

I know I will get an email or something, saying I can't believe you are doing this to our daughters, which technically she will be right but she did it.    She will try to make me feel like the bad guy and make herself feel like the victim.    

I hate that she will go home and act like nothing ever happened, and fix her perfect little marriage, live in her perfect house in the perfect community, and never miss me or think about me like I never existed.  I hate I have to stand on the sidelines at soccer and be remotely near her in three months when soccer starts again.   

I hate this feeling.

[notbroken]

Definitely tell her you can't be with a married woman.   Even when she divorces it is going to be very 'messy' for a while.   Not sure why you'd want to inject so much mess into your life.   You can be with her post divorce if you want (even then you should wait for the 'new divorcee craziness' to subside).   Honestly, I think we are all temporarily a bit crazy during/after a divorce.   Even her sleeping with you is evidence of that.   You messed up.  Big time.   Don't go back for more.  Be honest with her.  It will make her like you even more by the way. RUN!

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

 She will try to make me feel like the bad guy and make herself feel like the victim.    

Here is one of the lessons that you can and should learn from this experience - she can not make you feel badly without your consent. 

She can try, and I’m sure she will try, to make you the bad guy here. She has manipulated you during this affair, and she will continue to try and manipulate the situation - if you allow it. It will be difficult for her to manipulate the situation and blame you if you stop engaging with her. 

Edited December 8, 2020 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, kconleyk said:

I hate this feeling.

Come back and re-read this if you are tempted to unblock her or contact her. 

Let it be your motivation to stay away from her forever. 

[Beca L]

6 hours ago, kconleyk said:

I hate that she will go home and act like nothing ever happened, and fix her perfect little marriage, live in her perfect house in the perfect community, and never miss me or think about me like I never existed.  I hate I have to stand on the sidelines at soccer and be remotely near her in three months when soccer starts again.   

I hate this feeling.

Believe when I say that I myself struggle with this on a daily basis. My xmm went back to his W 3 years ago this Xmas (after a year living with me and filing for divorce). it has been nearly 12 months NC (apart from brief contact in june). I see him every day as we work together and it is very tough but I'm doing it and you can too. Hold your head up high at football and try not to look at her, indifference is the key and for the moment fake it until you make it. 

I'm sure she will miss you and maybe have regrets but not enough to divorce and plan a future with you. You deserve to be loved and adored just as much as I do and others in our situation. Just remember that, don't contact her and try to heal your heart. 

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, kconleyk said:

Thank you for your kind words, I have only let a few women make me feel this worthless in my life time, and I don't know why I let her but I do.  

This probably isn't actually under your conscious control, except insofar as you let anything beyond flirting happen at all in the first place. Take a step back for perspective, a lot of this is probably actually about levels of certain neurotransmitters in your brain. I know that probably doesn't help too much, but it's at least true. Perhaps you can do some meta-cognition and help yourself kick-start the moving on process.

Edited December 9, 2020 by mark clemson

[Bonifidelifelover]

14 hours ago, kconleyk said:

I really appreciate your response.

Yes I realize how dysfunctional it is, and I know I should be out of it.   It doesn't mean I am not hurting and I miss her like crazy.    I don't know that you can tell me, or anyone really can, but I work so much better on the why and reasoning behind actions.   Why push and pull?   Why not just end?    Why all of sudden tell me she can't be in a relationship while still married (Yes I know how dumb that sounds), why tell me how much is was falling for me, and two weeks later act like I am nothing more than a friend to her?    Why the insane crazy change from not even day to day but hour to hour in her texts?

Why tell me I was her happy place?   Why for three months, make every effort to see me, only act like I don't exist now but a few short texts a day?   Then they next text me a bunch again.

If I had answers I could probably walk away easier, she won't even take time to talk to me in person, saying it's the holidays and she needs to focus on her kids.   Then saying she wants to come watch a movie with us, and wants us to go away on Saturday.

I don't get it, how can someone just be like that, use someone?  Or does she have feelings for me and she is just confused?   Is she really just going insane from the home situation, a new job and the holidays and is shutting down emotionally?  

If I just had an answer maybe I could get closure and I could force myself to walk away.

I hate this.  I hate feeling like this. 

It’s simple. Rare, but reverse the roles & what she’s done or doing is what usually married men do to their AP or OW! She romanced u & got the D! She used u. Now she’s toying with you & your emotions! It’s the exact same as a any other affair, but she’s basically in the mans position and u are the other woman so to speak. How many men do u see on here asking these questions u are asking this online community? Hardly any because u my dear are    acception to the rule here. Just like many men promise they’re gonna leave their wives, snd string along the woman, while they sadly come on here & cry their hearts out on here, she is the man doing it to you! Don’t u see it???   

[Wiseman2]

NSA sex must have been the main reason for this much bad judgement.

Now that she announced she's getting sex at home, what are you going to do?

 

[kconleyk]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

NSA sex must have been the main reason for this much bad judgement.

Now that she announced she's getting sex at home, what are you going to do?

 

I told her to go F herself and blocked her, I ruined a friendship for my daughter and that will be a pain I have on myself for a long long long time, which makes this harder but I allowed it to happen so it's my fault.

[kconleyk]

10 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

It’s simple. Rare, but reverse the roles & what she’s done or doing is what usually married men do to their AP or OW! She romanced u & got the D! She used u. Now she’s toying with you & your emotions! It’s the exact same as a any other affair, but she’s basically in the mans position and u are the other woman so to speak. How many men do u see on here asking these questions u are asking this online community? Hardly any because u my dear are    acception to the rule here. Just like many men promise they’re gonna leave their wives, snd string along the woman, while they sadly come on here & cry their hearts out on here, she is the man doing it to you! Don’t u see it???   

I agree, normally guys wouldn't fall for these games but I guess being a single dad, I was lonelier than I thought and I bought into her game hook line and sinker.

The worst part of it all is I am left hurting and lonely, and she gets to go back to a marriage she told me was over, and and to a perfect house, perfect family, perfect life like it never happened before.    

Does she think about me, miss me?  Or is it like it never happened before?

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, kconleyk said:

I guess being a single dad, I was lonelier than I thought and I bought into her game hook line and sinker.

The worst part of it all is I am left hurting and lonely, and she gets to go back to a marriage she told me was over, and and to a perfect house, perfect family, perfect life like it never happened before.    

Does she think about me, miss me?  Or is it like it never happened before?

I was a single (still am) mother of 3 and lonely and I guess vulnerable just like you. They do it because they can and they use us.

In regards to your questions, I ask myself the same each day. The answer is really, who knows. These men and women are narcissists and have no respect or compassion. A friend from this site recently told me that yes they probably do miss us or pine after us but then they turn to the BS and ask if they want a cup of tea and discuss what holiday they will go on or plants they will buy for the garden. They really only care about themselves, just remember that. You deserve someone better.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, kconleyk said:

The worst part of it all is I am left hurting and lonely, and she gets to go back to a marriage she told me was over, and and to a perfect house, perfect family, perfect life like it never happened before.    

The thing is? 

The marriage was never over to begin with. So she's not going to "back" to it - she's just opting to stay right where's been the entire time. You either didn't realize or didn't want to believe that the marriage has been intact (or as much as it can be with one cheating partner) all along. 

If she lies to her husband with no problem, you can be sure she's told you some whoppers too. 

[kconleyk]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The thing is? 

The marriage was never over to begin with. So she's not going to "back" to it - she's just opting to stay right where's been the entire time. You either didn't realize or didn't want to believe that the marriage has been intact (or as much as it can be with one cheating partner) all along. 

If she lies to her husband with no problem, you can be sure she's told you some whoppers too. 

Why is this so easy to understand but so hard to mentally comprehend 

[Bonifidelifelover]

7 hours ago, kconleyk said:

I agree, normally guys wouldn't fall for these games but I guess being a single dad, I was lonelier than I thought and I bought into her game hook line and sinker.

The worst part of it all is I am left hurting and lonely, and she gets to go back to a marriage she told me was over, and and to a perfect house, perfect family, perfect life like it never happened before.    

Does she think about me, miss me?  Or is it like it never happened before?

Hun, exactly. U just said it. 
 

it’s ok it happens, but we here on this thread are the outsiders looking in, trying to warn u because we see the picture Clearer. U see it thru rose colored glasses Right now. Of course  she thinks about u. She’s human, this is so fresh for her also. Does she miss u? Maybe. I would say that depends on her empathetic level inside her. She’s probably narcissistic to some degree. So she may not miss u. She had a plan, u being vulnerable fell for it, again like I said it happens don’t beat urself up. She’s a witchy woman, u know that song? LoL she bewitched you but it’s time to get urself out of it. I think if she left her husband & came to be with u, some of the excitement would fizzle. There’s a level of thrill for u guys in how it’s going on. It especially might fizzle for her even more so than u. Because she was on the hunt, scored u! Now she’s kinda done. I’m sorry. Go out & fall in love with a woman with better character. I’m positive I can find one.