Dating a Married Woman

[S2B]

On 12/24/2020 at 3:21 PM, kconleyk said:

I never said I was scared to tell him, I'm not scared of that conversation if it has to happen.    I am more worried about the kids, do you act like it never happened so kids life doesn't get turned up side down?   Or tell him because he deserves to know.     I'd want to know. 

Tell him because it’s being honest. Tell him because he has a right to know who his wife actually is. Tell him because then he can make a decision about his marriage based on truth.

whatever the consequence is... own it. It may keep you from trying to date another married woman. 
 

every action has it’s consequences. 

Edited December 26, 2020 by S2B

[Mrin]

On 12/25/2020 at 7:48 AM, kconleyk said:

I agree to all of this, if I were in his shoes I'd want to know.      In fact in a lesser since I have been there years ago, and found out and it saved me from marrying my daughters mom, which now I have sole custody of my daughter for safety reasons.  

I don't know dude. It just feels weak to me. "I banged your wife. Then I got all needy and she broke my heart. That's really the only reason I'm telling you. Otherwise I'd still be raw dogging her under your nose. Just thought you'd want to know..."

[Ruby_Red]

6 minutes ago, Mrin said:

I don't know dude. It just feels weak to me. "I banged your wife. Then I got all needy and she broke my heart. That's really the only reason I'm telling you. Otherwise I'd still be raw dogging her under your nose. Just thought you'd want to know..."

Right? That’s what it would feel like to everybody involved. Like revenge. 

[elaine567]

30 minutes ago, Mrin said:

I don't know dude. It just feels weak to me. "I banged your wife. Then I got all needy and she broke my heart. That's really the only reason I'm telling you. Otherwise I'd still be raw dogging her under your nose. Just thought you'd want to know..."

Yes it seems the OP is looking for sympathy but I guess most guys aren't that sympathetic to the guy who tried to steal his wife...
He may bleat "....she tricked me", but I guess most guys won't hear that as they extricate their fist from his jaw.
The OP is in a very bad place.
He is a school  sports coach in a small town, I guess a few words to the wise and he can kiss his job good bye...
No-one wants their wives and kids mixed up with that kind of a guy...
..."B- b- b- but I was lonely..." will not cut it.
He IMO needs to lay low and hope it never gets out.

[BaileyB]

I agree. I would lay low, for many reasons...

While I do not disagree that this man has a right to know the truth about his marriage, it can not come from you. It sounds pretty disingenuous when you say, “I feel bad for the guy, I think he has a right to know...” If you had any kind of concern for the man, you wouldn’t have slept with his wife. Full stop. 

You had an affair, and you got burned - lesson learned. You need to be more selective of the women you chose to date. The truth is, you would be with the woman now if she hadn’t walked away... in your first post, you professed your love for the woman and you were asking whether people thought there was a future for the two of you... It’s far too late for you to assume the moral high ground here...Leave this man and his cheating wife alone, if you want to protect your own reputation, your job, and your kids. 

Edited December 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[kconleyk]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I agree. I would lay low, for many reasons...

While I do not disagree that this man has a right to know the truth about his marriage, it can not come from you. It sounds pretty disingenuous when you say, “I feel bad for the guy, I think he has a right to know...” If you had any kind of concern for the man, you wouldn’t have slept with his wife. Full stop. 

You had an affair, and you got burned - lesson learned. You need to be more selective of the women you chose to date. The truth is, you would be with the woman now if she hadn’t walked away... in your first post, you professed your love for the woman and you were asking whether people thought there was a future for the two of you... It’s far too late for you to assume the moral high ground here...Leave this man and his cheating wife alone, if you want to protect your own reputation, your job, and your kids. 

A lot has happened since my first post, including finding out everything bagel said was a lie.   I was told they had been separated for 6 months and both knew the marriage was over.     Yes I selpt with a married woman, but under the pretense her husband knew the marriage was over and it was just a matter of them figuring out logistics.       He didn't even know there was an issue between them apparently.   So yes I feel like a scum bag and yes I did wrong but I wouldn't have done any of it had it not been sold and shown to me otherwise.   I picked her up at her house, more than a few times, where she said he knew why, when really it was sold to him as I was picking her up and a date up separately, that I was a friend who was dating her friend. 

 

She used her friend as an excuse to see me, and then used that same friend and told her husband j was dating the frie d. 

[elaine567]

Did it not feel a bit awkward for you to be picking her up at her house, when you knew her husband was there?
Did you never think "Wait a minute this woman is still living with her husband"?
Did you never think it was a  bit soon for her to be dating you? Rebound?
Was it not all a bit naive on your part to think it was all above board?
 

[Mrin]

Going to circle around for another pass because I'm caffed up this morning. Every so often I feel the urge to come into this thread and slap the OP around. It is how we men show affection to each other: ridicule and physical assault. Don't worry though OP, I'll hug it out with you at the end. 

Look man. You were banging a married woman. You knew she was married. Sure, she said her marriage was ending. But this isn't some woman you met on Christian Mingle that led you on and broke your heart. She was a married woman. Not to get quasi-legal on you but there was no reasonable expectation of care when it comes to sleeping with a married woman. You're acting as if this was some sort of massive betrayal. As if were some sort of epic dupe. Dude, she's a married woman. What did you think would happen???

Here, let me put it another way. Let's say you proclaimed on New Year's Eve that your resolution was to meet, woo and marry the ideal woman for you. A woman who checks all the boxes. Lights you soul on fire. Someone you could fall deeply in love with. And you set your sights to bring this into reality. Dedicated yourself to finding her. And let's say that your buddy, to whom you're making this grand pronouncement, said, "I think you should start by tagging your daughter's friend's married mom". Would you have said, "ya, that's a great idea!"? Hell no you wouldn't have. Because we all know there are probably a million things that can happen when you start sleeping with a married woman and only one or two of them are good. 

Look, she may be all that and a box of candy to boot. But she's married. Even if she genuinely felt her marriage was ending, she's in no situation to give you anything but some occasional sex. Her situation is so much more infinitely complicated than yours. It isn't and was never her responsibility to watch out for your feelings. And you have zero right to expect that with Jane Q Match.com much less a married chick. 

This whole, "should I tell him" charade is simply one of two things: 1) you just want to get back at her and make her suffer (childish and malevolent) or 2) feel completely powerless and want to regain some pittance of power by toying around with this idea (fleeting and weak). I suspect it is some of both of this. Look - I'm slapping your around pretty good but if the roles were reversed and I was in your shoes, I might also feel the same way even. But that doesn't make it right and it certainly doesn't make it healthy. 

You want to know what the best revenge would be? Turn your back to her and go on to lead an amazing life full of happiness and incredible women. Ya, she's gone back to her marriage. But you know it isn't all wine and roses. It isn't great. And even if she doesn't tell her husband what she did, it will chew away at her. It might consume her or it might be just a lifelong persistent regret. At the end of the day, she's trapped inside a union that, at a minimum, doesn't value or respect, or at the other side of the spectrum, that she detests. You, my friend, are free to go off and have a grand f***ing life. No encumbrances. You are free to date who you want, when you want. You are free to write a brand spanking new set of chapters in your life. She's not.  She's relegated to spending the rest of her life in a bad sitcom.

You want to get really dark with it? Sure thing, let's go there. You are a man. You can pull women with daddy issues 20 years your junior for the rest of your life. She, on the other hand, tells herself she can't. That her "shelf life" dwindles by the day and she's stuck in a blah marriage with a blah husband. I don't agree with that story women tell themselves but I can guaran-damn-tee you she thinks that. 

So, and I mean this with all sincerity, don't give her even one more second of your time, energy or thought. Go love on your daughter, be a great father, meet some great women and live a really happy f***ing life.

 

Mrin

Edited December 27, 2020 by Mrin

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, kconleyk said:

 I was told they had been separated for 6 months and both knew the marriage was over. I picked her up at her house, more than a few times

Like I said, lesson learned.

If you pick a woman up at the home she shares with her husband, it’s not a good plan. If she is still living with the guy, if she is separated and still living with the guy, even if she is separated and not living with the guy - she is still married. 

I mean, the guy walked out of the room and she kissed you - in their home. Not a good plan... 

You will not convince me that somehow you were mislead here. Even if she did tell you that she was separated, there were enough red flags here that you could have made a different decision. I say, gather your dignity and self respect, and move on with your life... that’s what I would do. Nothing good can come from this for you. Good luck. 

Edited December 27, 2020 by BaileyB

[S2B]

The gal is bad news!

find a single gal that is honest!

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 12/23/2020 at 8:08 PM, kconleyk said:

I talked with a therapist and will continue to do so.   I mentioned wishing the husband knew and he said that's normal, because I'm the only loser here, she gets to go back like nothing happened.   He also said the husband has a right to know, and if roles were reversed wouldn't I want to know.    He said it probably shouldn't come from me, but if someone told him, it might not be a bad thing for him or her in the long run.     He said they seem to be going through therapy but what good is therapy if it were based on false truths.     That the therapist would give them different advice if he knew there was adultery involved.  

 

I'm not the one who would tell, but I mentioned it to my therapist and he said it's normal to want that, because I was the one who was lied to and I'm the only one hurt, both of them are living a life together again.  

I agree wanting them (Bs) to know is normal, I wanted my MMS girl/fiancé now wife, to find out, but I was never gonna tell. Because yeah I see her all happy & I want to meanly burst that bubble but nope wasn’t gonna do it. Still won’t. I did have a friend A few yrs ago that was seeing some guy Who was also seeing some other chick. So she Got mad & had her Cousin DM the girl on Instagram to break it to her. The girl was pissed thru him out left his stuff on the porch, but guess what, they were right back together. That’ll likely happen in ur girls case. My friends told me The sane thing. Why tell my MMs wife cause she’ll stay anyways.

so why tell? It’ll cause a mess & do nothing for u 
 

 

[Bonifidelifelover]

8 hours ago, Mrin said:

I don't know dude. It just feels weak to me. "I banged your wife. Then I got all needy and she broke my heart. That's really the only reason I'm telling you. Otherwise I'd still be raw dogging her under your nose. Just thought you'd want to know..."

Exactly lol 

 

don’t tell! Just move on! 

[Bonifidelifelover]

5 hours ago, Mrin said:

Going to circle around for another pass because I'm caffed up this morning. Every so often I feel the urge to come into this thread and slap the OP around. It is how we men show affection to each other: ridicule and physical assault. Don't worry though OP, I'll hug it out with you at the end. 

Look man. You were banging a married woman. You knew she was married. Sure, she said her marriage was ending. But this isn't some woman you met on Christian Mingle that led you on and broke your heart. She was a married woman. Not to get quasi-legal on you but there was no reasonable expectation of care when it comes to sleeping with a married woman. You're acting as if this was some sort of massive betrayal. As if were some sort of epic dupe. Dude, she's a married woman. What did you think would happen???

Here, let me put it another way. Let's say you proclaimed on New Year's Eve that your resolution was to meet, woo and marry the ideal woman for you. A woman who checks all the boxes. Lights you soul on fire. Someone you could fall deeply in love with. And you set your sights to bring this into reality. Dedicated yourself to finding her. And let's say that your buddy, to whom you're making this grand pronouncement, said, "I think you should start by tagging your daughter's friend's married mom". Would you have said, "ya, that's a great idea!"? Hell no you wouldn't have. Because we all know there are probably a million things that can happen when you start sleeping with a married woman and only one or two of them are good. 

Look, she may be all that and a box of candy to boot. But she's married. Even if she genuinely felt her marriage was ending, she's in no situation to give you anything but some occasional sex. Her situation is so much more infinitely complicated than yours. It isn't and was never her responsibility to watch out for your feelings. And you have zero right to expect that with Jane Q Match.com much less a married chick. 

This whole, "should I tell him" charade is simply one of two things: 1) you just want to get back at her and make her suffer (childish and malevolent) or 2) feel completely powerless and want to regain some pittance of power by toying around with this idea (fleeting and weak). I suspect it is some of both of this. Look - I'm slapping your around pretty good but if the roles were reversed and I was in your shoes, I might also feel the same way even. But that doesn't make it right and it certainly doesn't make it healthy. 

You want to know what the best revenge would be? Turn your back to her and go on to lead an amazing life full of happiness and incredible women. Ya, she's gone back to her marriage. But you know it isn't all wine and roses. It isn't great. And even if she doesn't tell her husband what she did, it will chew away at her. It might consume her or it might be just a lifelong persistent regret. At the end of the day, she's trapped inside a union that, at a minimum, doesn't value or respect, or at the other side of the spectrum, that she detests. You, my friend, are free to go off and have a grand f***ing life. No encumbrances. You are free to date who you want, when you want. You are free to write a brand spanking new set of chapters in your life. She's not.  She's relegated to spending the rest of her life in a bad sitcom.

You want to get really dark with it? Sure thing, let's go there. You are a man. You can pull women with daddy issues 20 years your junior for the rest of your life. She, on the other hand, tells herself she can't. That her "shelf life" dwindles by the day and she's stuck in a blah marriage with a blah husband. I don't agree with that story women tell themselves but I can guaran-damn-tee you she thinks that. 

So, and I mean this with all sincerity, don't give her even one more second of your time, energy or thought. Go love on your daughter, be a great father, meet some great women and live a really happy f***ing life.

 

Mrin

Yes! Great advice here ^^

[kconleyk]

16 hours ago, Mrin said:

Going to circle around for another pass because I'm caffed up this morning. Every so often I feel the urge to come into this thread and slap the OP around. It is how we men show affection to each other: ridicule and physical assault. Don't worry though OP, I'll hug it out with you at the end. 

Look man. You were banging a married woman. You knew she was married. Sure, she said her marriage was ending. But this isn't some woman you met on Christian Mingle that led you on and broke your heart. She was a married woman. Not to get quasi-legal on you but there was no reasonable expectation of care when it comes to sleeping with a married woman. You're acting as if this was some sort of massive betrayal. As if were some sort of epic dupe. Dude, she's a married woman. What did you think would happen???

Here, let me put it another way. Let's say you proclaimed on New Year's Eve that your resolution was to meet, woo and marry the ideal woman for you. A woman who checks all the boxes. Lights you soul on fire. Someone you could fall deeply in love with. And you set your sights to bring this into reality. Dedicated yourself to finding her. And let's say that your buddy, to whom you're making this grand pronouncement, said, "I think you should start by tagging your daughter's friend's married mom". Would you have said, "ya, that's a great idea!"? Hell no you wouldn't have. Because we all know there are probably a million things that can happen when you start sleeping with a married woman and only one or two of them are good. 

Look, she may be all that and a box of candy to boot. But she's married. Even if she genuinely felt her marriage was ending, she's in no situation to give you anything but some occasional sex. Her situation is so much more infinitely complicated than yours. It isn't and was never her responsibility to watch out for your feelings. And you have zero right to expect that with Jane Q Match.com much less a married chick. 

This whole, "should I tell him" charade is simply one of two things: 1) you just want to get back at her and make her suffer (childish and malevolent) or 2) feel completely powerless and want to regain some pittance of power by toying around with this idea (fleeting and weak). I suspect it is some of both of this. Look - I'm slapping your around pretty good but if the roles were reversed and I was in your shoes, I might also feel the same way even. But that doesn't make it right and it certainly doesn't make it healthy. 

You want to know what the best revenge would be? Turn your back to her and go on to lead an amazing life full of happiness and incredible women. Ya, she's gone back to her marriage. But you know it isn't all wine and roses. It isn't great. And even if she doesn't tell her husband what she did, it will chew away at her. It might consume her or it might be just a lifelong persistent regret. At the end of the day, she's trapped inside a union that, at a minimum, doesn't value or respect, or at the other side of the spectrum, that she detests. You, my friend, are free to go off and have a grand f***ing life. No encumbrances. You are free to date who you want, when you want. You are free to write a brand spanking new set of chapters in your life. She's not.  She's relegated to spending the rest of her life in a bad sitcom.

You want to get really dark with it? Sure thing, let's go there. You are a man. You can pull women with daddy issues 20 years your junior for the rest of your life. She, on the other hand, tells herself she can't. That her "shelf life" dwindles by the day and she's stuck in a blah marriage with a blah husband. I don't agree with that story women tell themselves but I can guaran-damn-tee you she thinks that. 

So, and I mean this with all sincerity, don't give her even one more second of your time, energy or thought. Go love on your daughter, be a great father, meet some great women and live a really happy f***ing life.

 

Mrin

Mrin,

I appreciate the long thoughtful response.

You nailed in your two posts, I am in a bad place.  I am not used to being in this place and I am spinning out of control.   I am 6'1", 285 lbs, tattooed with a giant beard, I am not used to feeling weak.  I am on a internet message board, trying to find answers, that has to speak volumes for how bad of a place I am in.

I am not trying to shed the blame and put it on someone else, yes I knew she was married, yes I knew her daughter and my daughter were/are really good friends.    I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life, and honestly half of my issue I think is that, I am a good person, with good manners and who always tries to think of others first, so the fact I put myself in this situation I think I hate myself as much as I hate her.   I am not trying to justify any of my actions, I am trying to get through it, and I honestly don't know how right now.

Before any of it started, I talked to multiple people who were close to the situation, she didn't wear a ring for at least a year before anything started with us, she told me they had been separated but couldn't figure out living situations but it was over and both of them knew it and where trying to figure it out, she even told me the kids knew it was over and they had a long talk with the kids.   Maybe all of that was true, maybe it was a lie straight to my face, I don't know that I will ever know that answer.   All the people who are friends and who were close to the situation (some work with her, some are the coaches of soccer that our kids play, some are other parents) all said the same thing, a piece of paper doesn't make it official they know if their marriage is over.   It took me a week of no sleep before I allowed things to go to the next level because I felt so guilty, and weighing the advice I was given.

Last soccer season, this woman was there alone all the time, no ring, and for the entire soccer season I had the biggest crush on her, as stupid as that sounds from a 38 year old guy.    I realized she was married, and even then could tell her marriage wasn't happy or true that it almost seemed like they weren't together.     So when she started giving me attention I fell quick.   She seemed like one of those unattainable women, that the minute she was attainable, I fell apart and stopped thinking.

So yes I know this is my fault as much as hers, yes I know I am to blame, yes I was a bad father and yes I miss her like crazy still, even though I hate her at the same time.

I've started talking to a therapist once a week, to understand why I let it happen, why I can't shake her from my feelings, and why for a month now I have been depressed over this.   Yes she was married, yes we didn't have a normal relationship, but she made me feel on top of the world and no woman in recent memory has made me feel 1/10th of how she made me.  

I wish I could just go find a single woman and be happy, I wish I could wake up in the morning and say f*** her and live my best life and sit back and know it would kill her to see me so happy.   I wish a lot of things but I am in a bad place mentally and I am struggling.   The single women who want me I don't feel anything for, maybe something is wrong with me, maybe because I am a big guy, the fact this woman was incredibly hot and wanted me has my mind all messed up.  

I don't know the answer, if I did I wouldn't be on a message board trying to find answers, I am just using this to talk through feelings and try and get passed this but it's hard, every morning I wake up it feels like the first day it happened all over again.

As for telling the husband, I don't know the reason why I think it's the right thing.   Maybe it's guilt, maybe it's years and years ago someone cheated on me and me finding out was the best thing to ever happen to me in retrospect and me feeling the guy deserves to know as I did, maybe it is subconsciously I want her to suffer, for doing this to me.   I don't have an answer for that.

The words she said to me, the way she made me feel, it's eating me up, and maybe that makes me naive or stupid, but it's gotten the best of me and I am trying daily to get passed it.   She spent the night on a Saturday, it was an amazing night and day the next day, she left on that Sunday and I haven't seen her since.   Her actions those days, screamed she wanted me and saw a future with me, and her words that following night contradicted that.   Yes I shouldn't trust her but something in my gut tells me she has insane feelings for me but choose the simple answer, even though she is miserable in her marriage she chose to stay because it doesn't up root her kids, doesn't make her try and figure out to live on one income.  I am probably wrong but she chose easy over what makes her happy.  Again I have no proof of that just a gut feeling, she blocked me out to surpress her feelings, and is going to stay a zombie in an unhappy marriage for her kids sake and maybe because they seem to be in debt.

I don't know, you see how messed up mentally I am from this, so in conclusion, I am not here to have someone tell me I did nothing wrong.  I know I did wrong, I know the guilt I have.    I am here to try and figure out how to get passed it and I wish it were as easy as get out there and find a single girl and move on.

Thanks again for the thoughtful even though needingly harsh reply.

 

[Zona]

So did you tell the husband or no?

Assuming you haven't yet, you are making way too many assumptions about whatever feelings she may have for you. If you did tell the betrayed husband, then it is a moot point.

Edited December 28, 2020 by Zona

[Mrin]

4 hours ago, kconleyk said:

Thanks again for the thoughtful even though needingly harsh reply.

 

Thanks for taking the roughing up so well dude! I wanted to just touch on a few things you said in your last post - mostly around "what's is wrong with you" and the surrounding why's as to why you're in this predicament. To be perfectly frank, I know exactly where you're coming from. I see in you what I went through maybe 7 or so years ago. Which, oddly enough, is why I joined LS in the first place. Ha. It's come full circle!  So, in a way, the advice or commentary I'm throwing at your head is, in part, what I wish had been thrown at my melon way back when. I'll share my story a bit and offer some observations and learnings that I took from it.

I'm a driven dude. Back then I kept my emotions locked away in some vault deep inside of me. I had been single for some number of years and casually dated a good number of women. I enjoyed spending time with them for sure, but none of them pressed my button. None of them made me feel anything special. Then, out of the blue, along came this woman - I've referred to her as my sun goddess. She was unlike all the rest in ways that sound trite and meaningless to describe so I won't bother. But what made her so unique to me is how she made me feel. Alive. Amazing. Fantastic. And, like your woman, she was totally unworkable from a long term relationship standpoint. She was in the final months of her divorce (had her own place for a year, paperwork filed, assets split etc). She lived 4 hours away from me (like you I live in a small remote town). She had a job that sent her overseas with regularity. She was a philanderer - her infidelity was the triggering event of her divorce. She had just finished her stint dating women. She was just starting out her new post-divorce life. So many other reasons I won't go into... but there was nothing there that would say, "oh this could work!" 

But we clicked. Big time. The attraction was off the charts. And we immediately started dating. I wish I could tell you why we clicked so much, but in the end, it doesn't matter. I felt things with her that I hadn't felt in decades. Those emotions made me feel awesome. Incredible. And vulnerable and insecure. Because I felt so vulnerable and insecure, I ended up breaking things off with her in pretty much the worst possible manner. It was an instinctive reaction - I'm king at the preemptive strike. But we stayed in touch and after the breakup I fell hard for her. And I don't know why. But I did. We'd see each other from time to time. Spend the night together. Sex was incredible. Everything was incredible. I needed her like I had never needed anyone in the past. I was utterly and completely wrapped around the axel for her. Helpless.  Pathetic.  She consumed my every waking moment. I just couldn't get her out of my head. Truth be told, I didn't really want her out of my head because as much it hurt, it also felt and even that anguish and anxiety was still something. This went on for months. A rollercoaster of emotions. Highs when I'd see her, epic lows when I didn't get a reply right away to a text. Eventually, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was a shell of my former self. I disappointed me. Disgusted me. And so... one morning... I just wrote her a letter and cut her out of my life. 

I'd love to say that I was fine and dandy after that. I wasn't. I was shattered even worse. I spent my time writing bad poetry and rambling essays about the experience of cutting her out of my life. BUT - this is what I want you to hear. I got better. I got so much better. I actually ended up meeting a woman that I eventually went on to date for approximately 6 years. I first met her literally the day after I cut the sun goddess out of my life. 

[The Good Part] So... I tell you all this because I too wondered what was wrong with me. Why I fell so damn hard. Why I was so f***ing stuck on a woman who was totally not workable for me. How could I let this happen??? To me??? Why was I so wrapped up about this woman??? To be honest, I never found any answers. I don't know why. But, in the end, the why didn't matter. But this is what I think happened. The sun goddess was a catalyst. She uncorked a bottle that has been corked for so long I didn't even realize what it contained. Feelings. Emotions. Oowey gooey stuff. Whatever. It was like a drug to me after going so long without. And those all made me feel very vulnerable in a way I hadn't felt for years. 

But, and I want you to hear this. The bottle stayed uncorked after I cut her out of my life. I was able to go on to have a genuine relationship that was every way as fulfilling (and infinitely more) than what I felt with the sun goddess. So, in the end, there was nothing wrong with me. In fact, for the first time in a long time, I was right. I just didn't know it at the time. 

We men are f***ing awful when it comes with getting in touch with our emotions. We don't knowingly suppress them - at least I don't. But we do, and I certainly did. Then, when we can't keep them locked safely away any longer they just sort of explode all over the place and we turn into a big mess. We have no coping mechanisms. I think that's what has happened to you. And it is okay. It is okay to feel sad. Duped. Angry. Weak. Vulnerable. All of the stuff you're feeling right now. You aren't broken. You just need to let this wash over you. Take what lessons you can from it and then stand up, dust yourself off, turn smartly on your heel and make your own journey knowing that there was nothing magical about this woman.... she wasn't some long lost soulmate that was your only chance at love... she just awakened something inside of you. Something powerful. Something scary. Something incredible. And leave yourself open to feeling it again - but maybe this time with a woman that is in a situation to reciprocate. I don't harbor any ill will towards the sun goddess even though that was a brutal period of time for me. Instead, I am eternally grateful for her uncorking the bottle - as messy as it was. Without her, and the Hell I went through, I wouldn't be where I am today. Who I am today. I hope that someday you will look back and feel the same way about your married woman. 

Consider yourself man hugged. And punched in the arm you f***ing knucklehead. 😉

 

Mrin

Edited December 28, 2020 by Mrin

[kconleyk]

1 hour ago, Mrin said:

Thanks for taking the roughing up so well dude! I wanted to just touch on a few things you said in your last post - mostly around "what's is wrong with you" and the surrounding why's as to why you're in this predicament. To be perfectly frank, I know exactly where you're coming from. I see in you what I went through maybe 7 or so years ago. Which, oddly enough, is why I joined LS in the first place. Ha. It's come full circle!  So, in a way, the advice or commentary I'm throwing at your head is, in part, what I wish had been thrown at my melon way back when. I'll share my story a bit and offer some observations and learnings that I took from it.

I'm a driven dude. Back then I kept my emotions locked away in some vault deep inside of me. I had been single for some number of years and casually dated a good number of women. I enjoyed spending time with them for sure, but none of them pressed my button. None of them made me feel anything special. Then, out of the blue, along came this woman - I've referred to her as my sun goddess. She was unlike all the rest in ways that sound trite and meaningless to describe so I won't bother. But what made her so unique to me is how she made me feel. Alive. Amazing. Fantastic. And, like your woman, she was totally unworkable from a long term relationship standpoint. She was in the final months of her divorce (had her own place for a year, paperwork filed, assets split etc). She lived 4 hours away from me (like you I live in a small remote town). She had a job that sent her overseas with regularity. She was a philanderer - her infidelity was the triggering event of her divorce. She had just finished her stint dating women. She was just starting out her new post-divorce life. So many other reasons I won't go into... but there was nothing there that would say, "oh this could work!" 

But we clicked. Big time. The attraction was off the charts. And we immediately started dating. I wish I could tell you why we clicked so much, but in the end, it doesn't matter. I felt things with her that I hadn't felt in decades. Those emotions made me feel awesome. Incredible. And vulnerable and insecure. Because I felt so vulnerable and insecure, I ended up breaking things off with her in pretty much the worst possible manner. It was an instinctive reaction - I'm king at the preemptive strike. But we stayed in touch and after the breakup I fell hard for her. And I don't know why. But I did. We'd see each other from time to time. Spend the night together. Sex was incredible. Everything was incredible. I needed her like I had never needed anyone in the past. I was utterly and completely wrapped around the axel for her. Helpless.  Pathetic.  She consumed my every waking moment. I just couldn't get her out of my head. Truth be told, I didn't really want her out of my head because as much it hurt, it also felt and even that anguish and anxiety was still something. This went on for months. A rollercoaster of emotions. Highs when I'd see her, epic lows when I didn't get a reply right away to a text. Eventually, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was a shell of my former self. I disappointed me. Disgusted me. And so... one morning... I just wrote her a letter and cut her out of my life. 

I'd love to say that I was fine and dandy after that. I wasn't. I was shattered even worse. I spent my time writing bad poetry and rambling essays about the experience of cutting her out of my life. BUT - this is what I want you to hear. I got better. I got so much better. I actually ended up meeting a woman that I eventually went on to date for approximately 6 years. I first met her literally the day after I cut the sun goddess out of my life. 

[The Good Part] So... I tell you all this because I too wondered what was wrong with me. Why I fell so damn hard. Why I was so f***ing stuck on a woman who was totally not workable for me. How could I let this happen??? To me??? Why was I so wrapped up about this woman??? To be honest, I never found any answers. I don't know why. But, in the end, the why didn't matter. But this is what I think happened. The sun goddess was a catalyst. She uncorked a bottle that has been corked for so long I didn't even realize what it contained. Feelings. Emotions. Oowey gooey stuff. Whatever. It was like a drug to me after going so long without. And those all made me feel very vulnerable in a way I hadn't felt for years. 

But, and I want you to hear this. The bottle stayed uncorked after I cut her out of my life. I was able to go on to have a genuine relationship that was every way as fulfilling (and infinitely more) than what I felt with the sun goddess. So, in the end, there was nothing wrong with me. In fact, for the first time in a long time, I was right. I just didn't know it at the time. 

We men are f***ing awful when it comes with getting in touch with our emotions. We don't knowingly suppress them - at least I don't. But we do, and I certainly did. Then, when we can't keep them locked safely away any longer they just sort of explode all over the place and we turn into a big mess. We have no coping mechanisms. I think that's what has happened to you. And it is okay. It is okay to feel sad. Duped. Angry. Weak. Vulnerable. All of the stuff you're feeling right now. You aren't broken. You just need to let this wash over you. Take what lessons you can from it and then stand up, dust yourself off, turn smartly on your heel and make your own journey knowing that there was nothing magical about this woman.... she wasn't some long lost soulmate that was your only chance at love... she just awakened something inside of you. Something powerful. Something scary. Something incredible. And leave yourself open to feeling it again - but maybe this time with a woman that is in a situation to reciprocate. I don't harbor any ill will towards the sun goddess even though that was a brutal period of time for me. Instead, I am eternally grateful for her uncorking the bottle - as messy as it was. Without her, and the Hell I went through, I wouldn't be where I am today. Who I am today. I hope that someday you will look back and feel the same way about your married woman. 

Consider yourself man hugged. And punched in the arm you f***ing knucklehead. 😉

 

Mrin

I don't have any other words but Thank You.

The drug feeling nailed it, when I was with her I felt so high I could fly, the minute she left and I didn't hear from her for an hour I sunk into my couch, and couldn't move.     I've been chasing that high.   I am narrow minded in dating and since my daughters mom, have dated for lust and locked feelings away like you said.  

I appreciate you sharing your story, it helps more than you will know.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, kconleyk said:

 for the entire soccer season I had the biggest crush on her, as stupid as that sounds from a 38 year old guy.  

 why I can't shake her from my feelings, and why for a month now I have been depressed over this.   Yes she was married, yes we didn't have a normal relationship, but she made me feel on top of the world and no woman in recent memory has made me feel 1/10th of how she made me.  

 the fact this woman was incredibly hot and wanted me has my mind all messed up.  

The words she said to me, the way she made me feel, it's eating me up, and maybe that makes me naive or stupid, but it's gotten the best of me and I am trying daily to get passed it.  

I don't know, you see how messed up mentally I am from this

Just going to reiterate this point that Mrin made earlier in your thread. Hopefully you did this already - think he may have been right + it would probably explain a lot...

 

On 12/10/2020 at 1:50 PM, Mrin said:

1. Go read up on "limerence". You've got a really bad case of it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

[Interstellar]

You know how to get over a woman? By finding a new one. 

The beauty of life is you never know where she’s gonna show up. Just make sure she’s single and normal (psychologically) this time.

Edited January 11, 2021 by Interstellar