Dating a Married Woman

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

Maybe it's hard to grasp because I am a guy, I just always believe in the good in people, always have. 
I've just never been one to intentionally hurt someone, and lie to their face and having it done to me is hard to grasp right now.

Nobody likes to be hurt or to be used. 
That said, when you make a poor decision, use poor judgment, you are likely to get burned. Having sex and falling in love with another man’s wife was never likely to bring you anything more than pain. 
You made the unfortunate decision to place your trust a woman who you KNEW was lying to her husband. That should have been a HUGE red flag that she was a poor decision for a partner - she is already married and clearly lying to her husband... take a step back and consider this situation from a different perspective, and you will understand that it’s not a surprise that she lied to you as well. 
It’s good to believe the best in people, that’s what makes you a nice guy. That said, you need to use your brain and your heart. You need to use good judgment and place your trust wisely or you are bound to be hurt. Good luck with the counsellor.

Edited December 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[Zona]

On 12/14/2020 at 9:36 AM, kconleyk said:

I agree, and I thought I was getting involved with someone who was seperated and in the process of getting a divorce, not only did a learn well after I fell for her it was anything but that 

Even if she was separating and getting a divorce, she still wouldn't want to be exposed for having an affair, but of course she was apparently lying anyway.

You asked earlier in the thread why you keep getting into relationships with married women who lie, and you blamed yourself. Maybe it's because there are a lot of sh*tty people out there.

On a side note, there are a lot of millennials at my workplace, and they all basically say the same thing about modern relationships and dating. Gender stereotypes are being disproven in so many ways. For example, every millennial man I spoke to about it said that women in their 20's just want to have casual relationships (I suppose while they focus on education or career). One is dating a girl in her early 20's that basically came out and told him she just wants sex. There are exceptions of course to this, especially among people who are religious.

My point being, maybe you have an unrealistic view of human behavior and human nature? This kind of crap goes on all the time.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Zona

[kconleyk]

1 hour ago, Zona said:

Even if she was separating and getting a divorce, she still wouldn't want to be exposed for having an affair, but of course she was apparently lying anyway.

You asked earlier in the thread why you keep getting into relationships with married women who lie, and you blamed yourself. Maybe it's because there are a lot of sh*tty people out there.

On a side note, there are a lot of millennials at my workplace, and they all basically say the same thing about modern relationships and dating. Gender stereotypes are being disproven in so many ways. For example, every millennial man I spoke to about it said that women in their 20's just want to have casual relationships (I suppose while they focus on education or career). One is dating a girl in her early 20's that basically came out and told him she just wants sex. There are exceptions of course to this, especially among people who are religious.

My point being, maybe you have an unrealistic view of human behavior and human nature? This kind of crap goes on all the time.

I appreciate the response, but I am 38 and live in a small rural town, the word millennial doesn't even exist here yet it's so small town, so traditional marriages and starting a family and everything is still the standard around here, but I just can't find it.

 

Something must be wrong inside of me, hopefully therapy helps I fall for people I shouldn't and the ones who want me I find so attraction too.... I am sure there is something there.

[BourneWicked]

On 12/15/2020 at 1:16 PM, kconleyk said:

I appreciate the response, but I am 38 and live in a small rural town, the word millennial doesn't even exist here yet it's so small town, so traditional marriages and starting a family and everything is still the standard around here, but I just can't find it.

 

Something must be wrong inside of me, hopefully therapy helps I fall for people I shouldn't and the ones who want me I find so attraction too.... I am sure there is something there.

Hey I did want to touch back on what you said before. I was actually overweight and shy my whole childhood, didnt have a boyfriend until I was 19. So I felt like I was never good enough for people I was attracted to - even as I got into shape, became more outgoing, etc. As an adult, I probably had piles of opportunities. But I really wasn't interested in them. They weren't my type... because I like smarter than me, relatively honest (ya I know... but I pick up on regular liars, which I swear is half the population who just tells stories, and have zero interest in friendships with those people), slightly nerdy/bookish, physically active. Outside of MM, I haven't really met these guys and I dont think there are that many where I live. But like I said... I'm staying put. For you.. I get your struggle. It could take meeting with and connecting with hundreds of people to find the right one. 

The thing is... if you wrote down a list of desirable qualities for a relationship "available" would probably be on there... but what else? I think "a spark" is ok to require... but other than that it's about values and life goals. So yeah I think there is something there... but maybe your list of needs and what is attractive is long and your town is small. I dont think you should ever do yourself the injustice of being with people you aren't attracted to. However, you should do yourself the kindness of thought checking - are they available? If the answer is no, onto the next. 

There is this guy Mattew Hussey on youtube - I really like his videos about relationships.  He's got a funny one about "limbo", it's a guy being the limbo-er but made me think of your situation. 

Anyway enough rambling from me. Hope things are getting better for you!

[kconleyk]

9 minutes ago, BourneWicked said:

Hey I did want to touch back on what you said before. I was actually overweight and shy my whole childhood, didnt have a boyfriend until I was 19. So I felt like I was never good enough for people I was attracted to - even as I got into shape, became more outgoing, etc. As an adult, I probably had piles of opportunities. But I really wasn't interested in them. They weren't my type... because I like smarter than me, relatively honest (ya I know... but I pick up on regular liars, which I swear is half the population who just tells stories, and have zero interest in friendships with those people), slightly nerdy/bookish, physically active. Outside of MM, I haven't really met these guys and I dont think there are that many where I live. But like I said... I'm staying put. For you.. I get your struggle. It could take meeting with and connecting with hundreds of people to find the right one. 

The thing is... if you wrote down a list of desirable qualities for a relationship "available" would probably be on there... but what else? I think "a spark" is ok to require... but other than that it's about values and life goals. So yeah I think there is something there... but maybe your list of needs and what is attractive is long and your town is small. I dont think you should ever do yourself the injustice of being with people you aren't attracted to. However, you should do yourself the kindness of thought checking - are they available? If the answer is no, onto the next. 

There is this guy Mattew Hussey on youtube - I really like his videos about relationships.  He's got a funny one about "limbo", it's a guy being the limbo-er but made me think of your situation. 

Anyway enough rambling from me. Hope things are getting better for you!

Thank you so much for taking them time.  

Maybe it's the holidays but I'm missing her hardcore right now

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 12/2/2020 at 8:19 AM, kconleyk said:

Why am I attracted to such bad characters?

I'm not a professional, but I posit you have an insecure attachment style that keeps you from getting too intimately close with someone (it's deep stuff in the subconscious like old abandonment wounds or an overly-involved mother who wasn't good at boundaries when you were little).  You probably pick people who come with a built-in excuse that makes it impossible for you to develop a deeply intimate and long-lasting bond. Something to think on and explore with a professional. 

[Commongoal123]

Dude you can't blame her for making you feel like a bad father when you're being a bad father.  You got your kids involved with this.

Stop making excuses, stop justifying, and just cut contact and move on.

I'm sorry man but someone mentioned this woman might be a borderline.  Maybe she is considering you caught feelings for her and she was the first person you did so for years.  Borderlines are very intense emotionally.  So that might make some sense there.

She's also living a life with 2 different men.

Cut contact.  Your daughter will move on quicker than you do.  This woman is no good for your life.  Or anyone's life.  She's probably done this before to her huband.

[kconleyk]

On 12/20/2020 at 10:45 AM, Commongoal123 said:

Dude you can't blame her for making you feel like a bad father when you're being a bad father.  You got your kids involved with this.

Stop making excuses, stop justifying, and just cut contact and move on.

I'm sorry man but someone mentioned this woman might be a borderline.  Maybe she is considering you caught feelings for her and she was the first person you did so for years.  Borderlines are very intense emotionally.  So that might make some sense there.

She's also living a life with 2 different men.

Cut contact.  Your daughter will move on quicker than you do.  This woman is no good for your life.  Or anyone's life.  She's probably done this before to her huband.

Thank you,

I tried no contact, after a week she reached out first thing this morning.   Basically a text to tell me she misses me, and I am a person she wants in her life, but then ends with my feelings for you were strong and real, and I never meant for this to happen or play out like this.

 

Basically saying hey, I am married go f yourself, but I feel kind of guilty so that should make you feel better

 

I am not the person to ever do anything like it, and I care about her but something inside of me wishes her husband would find out.   Just the fact she cheated and used me, and got away with it and is back with her perfect family while I am hurting and my daughter is hurting, drives me insane.

 

Yes I know the daughter part is my fault.

[Commongoal123]

1 hour ago, kconleyk said:

Thank you,

I tried no contact, after a week she reached out first thing this morning.   Basically a text to tell me she misses me, and I am a person she wants in her life, but then ends with my feelings for you were strong and real, and I never meant for this to happen or play out like this.

 

Basically saying hey, I am married go f yourself, but I feel kind of guilty so that should make you feel better

 

I am not the person to ever do anything like it, and I care about her but something inside of me wishes her husband would find out.   Just the fact she cheated and used me, and got away with it and is back with her perfect family while I am hurting and my daughter is hurting, drives me insane.

 

Yes I know the daughter part is my fault.

This is why you need to block her number.  Especially if she is initiaying contact with you to tell you she misses you and then just play head games.

You said you wished her husband knew.  You can make that happen.

The reality is that the family over there is far from perfect.  Don't confuse yourself with anything otherwise.  How can it be perfect if she is cheating?

Tell her husband.  And then cut contact.  Block her number and block her on social media.  She will probably blame you but it's her own fault.

[kconleyk]

39 minutes ago, Commongoal123 said:

This is why you need to block her number.  Especially if she is initiaying contact with you to tell you she misses you and then just play head games.

You said you wished her husband knew.  You can make that happen.

The reality is that the family over there is far from perfect.  Don't confuse yourself with anything otherwise.  How can it be perfect if she is cheating?

Tell her husband.  And then cut contact.  Block her number and block her on social media.  She will probably blame you but it's her own fault.

I will have to see them next Spring at soccer, as much I want her to suffer for what she did to me, and how she played me, I care about her middle daughter a lot.    That would hurt the middle daughter if I broke up her family or caused her to see them fighting.  

[BourneWicked]

5 hours ago, kconleyk said:

Thank you,

I tried no contact, after a week she reached out first thing this morning.   Basically a text to tell me she misses me, and I am a person she wants in her life, but then ends with my feelings for you were strong and real, and I never meant for this to happen or play out like this.

 

Basically saying hey, I am married go f yourself, but I feel kind of guilty so that should make you feel better

 

I am not the person to ever do anything like it, and I care about her but something inside of me wishes her husband would find out.   Just the fact she cheated and used me, and got away with it and is back with her perfect family while I am hurting and my daughter is hurting, drives me insane.

 

Yes I know the daughter part is my fault.

I feel the same way. He gets to continue on with his "perfect" life, while my significant other knows about the MM and it makes me feel like I can never atone for my sins. Meanwhile, this dude skips off and maybe meets another person to start up with, who knows. 

I went NC, but if that is truly not a possibility for you (which I think you should be able to say "hey let's not be in touch unless soccer") I would recommend the fake it til you make it approach of being polite, friendly, completely happy but distant. 

Honestly tho were I you, I'd probably change my phone number. That's easier than  trying to stick to NC. 

Edit: and the fake it til you make it approach feels ok, cuz it's like "I'm showing you i don't care" and that feels alright but it's not true. NC, much as it hurts, feels good because it gave me the opportunity to say "you hurt me, and every day of you giving me the minimum to keep me on your hook sucks. You suck. Leave me alone, you don't get to breeze in and out of my life anymore." 

Not in so many words but you get the idea 😁

Edited December 22, 2020 by BourneWicked
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[Bonifidelifelover]

On 12/22/2020 at 11:35 AM, Commongoal123 said:

This is why you need to block her number.  Especially if she is initiaying contact with you to tell you she misses you and then just play head games.

You said you wished her husband knew.  You can make that happen.

The reality is that the family over there is far from perfect.  Don't confuse yourself with anything otherwise.  How can it be perfect if she is cheating?

Tell her husband.  And then cut contact.  Block her number and block her on social media.  She will probably blame you but it's her own fault.

I disagree with telling the husband. What’s that gonna do? When I ad my affair with mM people urged me to tell, but why? I suggest cut her off completely. Give urself time to heal from this. & find someone who is worth it. She’ll remain on ur mind, but just work thru it

[Bonifidelifelover]

Ur a horse with a carrot dangling in front of u. And she’s in control of that carrot. It’s not fun. It’s not good for u. She’s telling u sweet lil lies. The sooner u start complete no contact the sooner you’ll heal. 

[kconleyk]

22 minutes ago, AngelinaCassy said:

I disagree with telling the husband. What’s that gonna do? When I ad my affair with mM people urged me to tell, but why? I suggest cut her off completely. Give urself time to heal from this. & find someone who is worth it. She’ll remain on ur mind, but just work thru it

I talked with a therapist and will continue to do so.   I mentioned wishing the husband knew and he said that's normal, because I'm the only loser here, she gets to go back like nothing happened.   He also said the husband has a right to know, and if roles were reversed wouldn't I want to know.    He said it probably shouldn't come from me, but if someone told him, it might not be a bad thing for him or her in the long run.     He said they seem to be going through therapy but what good is therapy if it were based on false truths.     That the therapist would give them different advice if he knew there was adultery involved.  

 

I'm not the one who would tell, but I mentioned it to my therapist and he said it's normal to want that, because I was the one who was lied to and I'm the only one hurt, both of them are living a life together again.  

[Zona]

Heaven forbid people should be honest with each other and not screw each other over.

I would find a way to expose what she is doing to her husband. I agree with your therapist on this.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, kconleyk said:

 He also said the husband has a right to know, and if roles were reversed wouldn't I want to know.    He said it probably shouldn't come from me

Why not?

Sorry OP, but if you were man enough to sleep with his wife, be man enough to be honest and tell him what you did. Don't pussyfoot around it or get someone else to do your dirty work. Let him hear it directly from the horse's mouth and show him the proof. 

Own your role in this.  

Edited December 24, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[kconleyk]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why not?

Sorry OP, but if you were man enough to sleep with his wife, be man enough to be honest and tell him what you did. Don't pussyfoot around it or get someone else to do your dirty work. Let him hear it directly from the horse's mouth and show him the proof. 

Own your role in this.  

I never said I was scared to tell him, I'm not scared of that conversation if it has to happen.    I am more worried about the kids, do you act like it never happened so kids life doesn't get turned up side down?   Or tell him because he deserves to know.     I'd want to know. 

[Commongoal123]

2 hours ago, kconleyk said:

I never said I was scared to tell him, I'm not scared of that conversation if it has to happen.    I am more worried about the kids, do you act like it never happened so kids life doesn't get turned up side down?   Or tell him because he deserves to know.     I'd want to know. 

Children are wiser than we give them credit for.  They've probably sensed something is up, they just may not know what.

Is it better for them to have their intuition invalidated with lies amd omitted information?  Or to know the truth and allow them to process everything?

Finally, you aren't telking the children anything.  Who knows if they will find out?

Either way there is no win for the kids here.  The damage has been done and it is loose-loose either way for them.

At least one option gives them the opportunity to grow and heal through something they will inevitably have to someday anyway.

[mark clemson]

If you're seriously considering telling the husband, I'd suggest thinking it through rather carefully in terms of blowback for YOU, before doing so. Some people feel a moral imperative to tell and others feel a moral imperative to stay out of the situation (more than they have already become involved). If this woman is really strongly considering divorce anyhow and/or goes around cheating frequently, it may not actually matter THAT much in the long run, as bad news for the husband may be in the cards eventually one way or another. 

You mention feeling guilty about the kids and that guilt MAY last longer than any vindication or "righteous but vengeful satisfaction" you feel, particularly if a divorce happens in a way that is very negative for the kids. You may be living with that guilt for a very long time. There is also a VERY wide spectrum of possibly reactions from the husband, ranging from essentially shrugging it off all the way to, in rare cases, committing murder. As a single middle school coach, him falsely accusing you of being a child molester to get revenge is not completely out of the question, IMO. You being the one to tell him would possibly mitigate any revenge he takes on you, but that is by no means guaranteed. After all, you did have sex with the guy's wife, and he may recognize that you're only telling him now that the chances of you being with her appear less.

There will also be the question of impact on your reputation in the community, as you mention living in a small town. Things may become negative for you socially. The same sorts of people who, online, might urge you to tell the husband will in real life presumably look at you VERY askance for being in an affair in the first place. You could become the talk of the town, but in a very bad way, and find yourself essentially shunned by many former friends, particularly dads I would imagine.

Finally, you should probably ask a lawyer about it IF you are seriously considering doing this. The reason is that a few states allow "alienation of affection" lawsuits where if there is a divorce, an affair partner (that would be you) can be sued. Many family lawyers will give free 1/2 hour consultations, and you should be able to find out about whether your state allows or has precedents for this sort of suit. IMO this is an important consideration if you're seriously considering doing this.

There are good arguments both for and against telling. My take would be to give VERY thorough thought to possible consequences for you if you are seriously considering it. It can have far reaching and hard-to-foresee consequences and is NOT something to be done in haste, IMO.

Edited December 25, 2020 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, kconleyk said:

I never said I was scared to tell him, I'm not scared of that conversation if it has to happen. 

Then why would you want someone else to tell him? 

[kconleyk]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then why would you want someone else to tell him? 

My therapist said it would be weird to find out from me that it's a small town and a lot of people know that he is going to find outt anyway.   I don't know the right answer just telling you what I was told. 

[kconleyk]

12 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If you're seriously considering telling the husband, I'd suggest thinking it through rather carefully in terms of blowback for YOU, before doing so. Some people feel a moral imperative to tell and others feel a moral imperative to stay out of the situation (more than they have already become involved). If this woman is really strongly considering divorce anyhow and/or goes around cheating frequently, it may not actually matter THAT much in the long run, as bad news for the husband may be in the cards eventually one way or another. 

You mention feeling guilty about the kids and that guilt MAY last longer than any vindication or "righteous but vengeful satisfaction" you feel, particularly if a divorce happens in a way that is very negative for the kids. You may be living with that guilt for a very long time. There is also a VERY wide spectrum of possibly reactions from the husband, ranging from essentially shrugging it off all the way to, in rare cases, committing murder. As a single middle school coach, him falsely accusing you of being a child molester to get revenge is not completely out of the question, IMO. You being the one to tell him would possibly mitigate any revenge he takes on you, but that is by no means guaranteed. After all, you did have sex with the guy's wife, and he may recognize that you're only telling him now that the chances of you being with her appear less.

There will also be the question of impact on your reputation in the community, as you mention living in a small town. Things may become negative for you socially. The same sorts of people who, online, might urge you to tell the husband will in real life presumably look at you VERY askance for being in an affair in the first place. You could become the talk of the town, but in a very bad way, and find yourself essentially shunned by many former friends, particularly dads I would imagine.

Finally, you should probably ask a lawyer about it IF you are seriously considering doing this. The reason is that a few states allow "alienation of affection" lawsuits where if there is a divorce, an affair partner (that would be you) can be sued. Many family lawyers will give free 1/2 hour consultations, and you should be able to find out about whether your state allows or has precedents for this sort of suit. IMO this is an important consideration if you're seriously considering doing this.

There are good arguments both for and against telling. My take would be to give VERY thorough thought to possible consequences for you if you are seriously considering it. It can have far reaching and hard-to-foresee consequences and is NOT something to be done in haste, IMO.

I agree to all of this, if I were in his shoes I'd want to know.      In fact in a lesser since I have been there years ago, and found out and it saved me from marrying my daughters mom, which now I have sole custody of my daughter for safety reasons.  

[BaileyB]

Are you prepared for the whole town to know your business. Your friends, coworkers, your children, your children’s friends.

My best friend’s mother had an affair with a neighbour down the street. They moved toget away from the gossip. This will be terrible for your children, should this all become known. Be very careful here... You are not the only person who will suffer the consequence for your poor judgment. 

[Mrin]

On 12/25/2020 at 7:48 AM, kconleyk said:

I agree to all of this, if I were in his shoes I'd want to know.      In fact in a lesser since I have been there years ago, and found out and it saved me from marrying my daughters mom, which now I have sole custody of my daughter for safety reasons.  

I don't know dude. It just feels weak to me. "I banged your wife. Then I got all needy and she broke my heart. That's really the only reason I'm telling you. Otherwise I'd still be raw dogging her under your nose. Just thought you'd want to know..."

[Ruby_Red]

6 minutes ago, Mrin said:

I don't know dude. It just feels weak to me. "I banged your wife. Then I got all needy and she broke my heart. That's really the only reason I'm telling you. Otherwise I'd still be raw dogging her under your nose. Just thought you'd want to know..."

Right? That’s what it would feel like to everybody involved. Like revenge.