Supporting me was too much for him.

[Theotherprice]

I guess I'm just going to dump this out as easily as I can.. 

My husband and I have been together seven years, (married for five). He joined the Air Force and we got married right away so that I could move across the country with him.

At the time I was going to school on a full scholarship for Mass Communications and Film, a dream education and job ahead of me. I gave it all up for him because the courses were not offered online via my scholarship. 

Anyways, it was extremely hard to move away from my hometown, my family and friends but I did it for him, we did it together. I struggle a lot with intimacy for reasons I dont wish to discuss. During the first year of our marriage, we probably had sex like 4 times a month. It was painful and emotionally draining but s/o to my husband, he stuck through it, he was very kind and supportive and over the next four years we would get into an every other day routine with it. Amazing, or so I thought. 

We moved to Alaska in 2017 and it was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me. Alaska became my home. I settled in immediately, I made friends, Cj deployed and I was okay because the support system and home I had built for myself, the life we had created up there was a dream. In 2019 when he returned from deployment we decided that it was finally time, and we were in a good spot in our marriage that I could join the Air Force in pursuit of a Photojournalist job. 

He was very supportive and helped me train and inprocess for almost a year until last year in November I was notified that I had landed the job and would be shipping out December 10th 2019. 

 

We had a plan. Cj is crosstraining and would end up in Florida, so thats where I would go. On top of that, the Air Force is the only branch that is extremely supportive of couples being together. So we kissed goodbye and I stepped into the airplane. Well, in January while I was in BMT. Cj got orders to deploy again. Something we did not expect. He packed up the house and gave our dog to some close friends and he left for his destination which meant he would miss my BMT graduation in February. It didn't matter because we facetimed and talked that day like nothing was wrong. He posted on Instagram saying "im sorry I can't be there for you today but I promise to be there for you the rest of your life." And I went to tech school in Maryland. 

 

Then COVID hit. I was quarantined to the base and Cj, where he was, was also put under strict precautions. He started to get distant, he stopped calling me and asking me for intimate time on the phone. He started texting me back like once or twice a day. 

One day he sent me a screenshot of some tattoos that he wanted and in the screenshot the girl he was deployed with was snapchatting him. He quickly removed the picture from the chat but I'd already seen it. And I would not have cared at all, but I asked him about it because he hid it from me. He denied anything was happening and said he just didn't want to worry me. - fishy but I've never had ANY reason to not trust him, so I let it go. 

Well he was logged into Instagram on my ipad and I kept getting notifications that that same female was dming him. I hate myself, but I looked one day and there was nothing inappropriate, but he was definitely giving her more attention than I was getting. 

 

I got very upset and called him to ask if something was going on to which he very calmly and kindly told me no and that he was sorry for not giving me the attention I deserved and that he would do better. 

He didnt. He grew more distant saying he was depressed because of covid and just wanted to be home. He said everything would be better when he got back to Alaska but at the beginning of July he did, and everything stayed exactly the same. 

I was getting really worried because he kept claiming it was depression and that "he just wasn't happy" 

I graduated Tech school August 1st and had the opportunity to go home and see him but he avoided it at all cost. Which was extremely hurtful bevause I hadn't seen him in almost seven months. He blamed it on COVID and quarantine so I let it go and came straight to Florida without seeing him. I moved in and struggled the whole time because I didn't have the support I needed. He wouldn't talk to me, stopped saying he loved me and would get mad at me when I asked him if he missed me, he ignored all my phone calls and claimed he was asleep or at the gym. 

Finally September rolled around and a friend of ours was staying at Cj's house. I messaged him to see if cj was okay, if he was acting weird etc. Because of the depression aspect of his logic. The friend said Cj was acting just fine. I explained the situation and the next day, the friend sent me a picture of Cj'a laptop which had a picture of the other girl set as his screen saver.

I bought plane tickets and flew up there. I let him know and he cussed me out, furious that I was showing up without asking first. He picked me up from the airport and didn't say a word to me after 10 months of not seeing me. He put me in a room by myself and the next day acted like nothing was wrong, but didn't touch me or compliment me or ask about me. Like I was some distant cousin. I asked about Shelby and he denied it but wouldn't tell me anything except "im not happy, we're having a hard time, etc etc etc." 

We went to see the chaplain and thats where he blurted out that he didnt want to be married anymore. (But didn't give a reason. Just shrugged his shoulders.)

I was destroyed. He brought me home and held me while I sobbed and sobbed about the destruction of our marriage that I didnt even know had been happening. 

The next day he took me on a date, he told me he wished I was staying longer, we got intimate, we went to the chaplain again to which the man said there was hope and assigned us the love languages book. We were supposed to read a chapter a day and talk about it twice a week. Cj agreed and the next day I had to fly out. He kissed me goodbye and said he would try and that we would work on stuff. 

The first two days were fine. 

Two weeks passed and he had gone back to hardly talking to me. I called him to talk about the book to find out he had only skimmed it. And he said his feelings hadn't changed. But he won't straight up say "I want a divorce." I asked him if he wanted one and he just kind of skirts around it but then says he doesn't want to be together he's okay being alone. So I say, I guess this is it? And I tell him goodbye and hang up. Destroyed. 

He texts me to say he's sorry for his feeling and that I'm being hurt by the situation. 

We kind of continue to communicate because I ask if he'll do Zoom counseling with me and my therapist. He avoids it at all costs until finally I set a boundary and told him I wouldn't be the first to message him anymore. Because I'm tired of being constantly ignored and set aside.. but I make it VERY clear that I'm here to talk if he wants too.

We haven't talked since. That was three weeks ago. I sent him a text last Monday (not the 9th) because I got all of my stuff in the mail from the move (anything he didnt want from the household stuff was sent to me, wedding dress, pictures, memories) so I told him I received the stuff and that I missed talking to him and was still here if he wanted to talk. 

He completely ignored me. 

But he hasn't sent me divorce papers and I know his parents have been pushing him to wait and try things again when he gets here and we're in together in person which will be next summer sometime... 

I'm just so frustrated and in shock. He says he's fine being alone but he isn't alone. He has all of our friends and is out with them constantly. He has our dog, he didnt have to start over, I did. He never even gave me a chance to get into my job. He said I was negative in tech school. 

?! I was quarantined to a base surrounded by people who were drinking and cheating on their spouses. I sheltered myself in my dorm and waited for him to text me every day and he never did. OF COURSE I WAS NEGATIVE. But now I'm at my base and THRIVING. I love my job, I am passionate about it and have no one to share it with because he didnt even give me a chance. 

I dontnknow what to do or where to go or how to handle any of this and I am so broken and sad. 

 

Ugh.. so there it is. Thanks for reading my sobstory.

I guess if you have advice on how to handle someone who refuses to share how they're feeling or is just too stubborn in their ways to want to change that would be great.. 

Or coping with a loss of marriage that I have zero closure in. He swears he didnt cheat on me, but the reason of "I'm not happy and am just okay being alone" is not a reason to end a marriage.. so I'm lost..  

 

[d0nnivain]

Oh my heart breaks for you.  I suspect that his ego is bruised in all of this.  He said he was fine with you following your dreams because that is what you "have to say" or be labeled misogynistic  in this feminist day & age.  I am a woman with a powerful career so I'm not defending the lack of equality but I think he liked being "the man" of being the provider & having you depend on him.  When you stood on your own two feet & when achieving your dreams took you away from him, he resented it more then he thought he would & it poisoned him.  

Maybe you can have some sort of on line marriage counseling through the AF.  They have to have programs for this.  

I suspect if you two could get back to living together & that he saw that you having independent achievements didn't make you stop loving him, he'd feel better. I have no idea how you do that with deployment & covid.   All in all I see him pouting because he isn't dealing with the separation or you blossoming as an independent person.  He needs more reassurances but instead of asking for that (or even understanding that is the issue) he's talking to this other woman & acting out rather than maturely addressing his need.  Depending on who she is to him especially since you two are married, he is putting his military career at issue by committing adulatory which is a court-martial offense under the UCMJ.  Use that to get him to talk if you must.  

 

Good luck.  FWIW, thank you both for your service.  

 

[schlumpy]

How long are you planning to wait? Do you really have any hope that he will come back and change his mind?

Type into your browser "cheating 180." Various incarnations of the 180 program will show up and select one that you can live with. This program will help you detach from your feelings. It will allow you to make decisions that are in your interest. It is not pointed at a saving a broken marriage but it does sometimes have that effect when the absent partner realizes their spouse is moving on and can live life without them.

Use this time to prepare. Work the 180 and talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are.

[Harry Korsnes]

This does'nt look so good! How do you feel about all this drama and neglect?

Deep inside this is not the life you want or need.

[d0nnivain]

If you are thinking about getting out, do talk to your local JAG about your rights & responsibilities.  Before you mention this other woman, find out if the JAG would have to investigate the possible UCMJ violation. 

[Theotherprice]

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

How long are you planning to wait? Do you really have any hope that he will come back and change his mind?

Type into your browser "cheating 180." Various incarnations of the 180 program will show up and select one that you can live with. This program will help you detach from your feelings. It will allow you to make decisions that are in your interest. It is not pointed at a saving a broken marriage but it does sometimes have that effect when the absent partner realizes their spouse is moving on and can live life without them.

Use this time to prepare. Work the 180 and talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are.

Before I get too deep into this thread, I should say that I have ZERO intentions of taking this to his supervisors. Not only do I not have any proof, but I'm just not that person. I have no ill will toward him and I don't want this to get any harder than it already is.. 

As for the rest of this response -- thank you so much for that, I will look into it.. At this point I'm at a crossroads.. I really don' have any hope that he's going to come back and try to put in the effort he needs too to fix things... The only way I see that working is if we were together in person and that won't happen until next summer.. So what, I'm just supposed to wait around until that happens with zero contact and no communication?? I don't think so... 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Theotherprice

[Theotherprice]

I am also refusing to file for divorce. I know that's what he wants. He wants me to get fed up with him and file so he can tell everyone I divorced him when he was "going through a hard time." And that's NOT AT ALL what's going on here... 

I have spoken to the JAG office on base here and they were very helpful. Despite his non-communication, Cj and I have no issues splitting anything up. Everything was very civil during the last conversation that we did have. So I'm not very worried about the actual paperwork aspect of it... 

I'm just... I want there to be a way for me to fix everything because I'm not ready for this. I don't want this...
But I also don't want to be treated like this for the rest of my life.. I'm just very very lost in what I'm supposed to do and how long I'm supposed to fight for this marriage..

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. You're not cut out for the military spouse role.

You regret "making sacrifices" after you married hastily, and that resentment was the beginning of the end.

Your relationship lacked intimacy and satisfaction all along so it's unclear what you are trying to hang on to.

It sounds like a divorce would not be a desired situation for you because you may not get military spouse benefits afterwards.

He wants a divorce and sooner or later he'll get it started. Your best approach is to prepare for that.

[Theotherprice]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. You're not cut out for the military spouse role.

You regret "making sacrifices" after you married hastily, and that resentment was the beginning of the end.

Your relationship lacked intimacy and satisfaction all along so it's unclear what you are trying to hang on to.

It sounds like a divorce would not be a desired situation for you because you may not get military spouse benefits afterwards.

He wants a divorce and sooner or later he'll get it started. Your best approach is to prepare for that.

????? 10/10 not a fan of this 😂

We didn't marry hastily, we dated for two years before we got married. 

I love being a spouse but not for the benefits?? 😂 he's an E5 so whatever you think I'm getting hahahaha I'm not, PLUS I'm IN the military now so??? Not a dependa anymore ¯\_(ヅ)_/¯ 

Thanks for the response, I guess though? 

[Timshel]

On 11/11/2020 at 4:27 PM, Theotherprice said:

 I also don't want to be treated like this for the rest of my life.. I'm just very very lost in what I'm supposed to do and how long I'm supposed to fight for this marriage..

From what you have posted, Theotherprice, your husband is very much in a relationship with another woman. It seems he has chosen her.  Let him go.

 

[Caauug]

On 11/12/2020 at 12:11 AM, Theotherprice said:

the next day, the friend sent me a picture of Cj'a laptop which had a picture of the other girl set as his screen saver.

This girl has a special place in his heart now. You may fight for your husband but you can't make him love you again. It takes 2 to rebuild the marriage, if your husband is not willing to help, you will never do it by yourself.

On 11/12/2020 at 5:27 AM, Theotherprice said:

I want there to be a way for me to fix everything because I'm not ready for this. I don't want this...

Kind of hard to fix it when you are at opposite ends of the country and not talking.... It doesn't matter what you want, it's what you got!!! 

 

On 11/12/2020 at 5:27 AM, Theotherprice said:

I know that's what he wants. He wants me to get fed up with him and file so he can tell everyone I divorced him when he was "going through a hard time." And that's NOT AT ALL what's going on here... 

But what is better for you? You are not happy with the way things are with him. He is not happy. There doesn't appear to be an easy fix, or even a hard one when he is not willing to try..... So you will just leave it all in limbo.... What if you meet a "Prince Charming"? Then start the divorce proceedings? If military say no playing outside of marriage, would you risk it just because you got block headed and wanted to make your husband to file first? If he wants a divorce, he is unwilling to work at the marriage and does not want to be married to you, be kind to him and yourself, give him a divorce. Do not put the fear of what other people will say ahead of your own happiness. Look after yourself and move ahead with your life.

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, it must be so painful.  Your husband is having an affair with this other woman and she's in his system now and he's probably in love.  I know it's painful but you have to face it that is why he has pulled away.  It's hard to win him back when she's right there with him, he doesn't want to communicate with you and you're miles away from him.  He does want a divorce but is too much of a coward to be truthful with you.  That's so unfair.  You don't deserve to have your life hanging in limbo because of his stupid choices.  Hopefully your anger will kick in soon and help you to move forward from this situation.

[elaine567]

I never think it is a great idea for women to leave a man to his own devices.
Men like sex and to go from once every second day to nil was going to be difficult for him.
Once he lost his "mate", he lost interest and started to look elsewhere.
I think had you been at home in Alaska with the dog and a couple of kids maybe, keeping the home fires burning, he may have felt more pull back, but you were gone, forging your own path that had nothing to do with him.
Military men in general are not usually famed for their fidelity and here he did not disappoint.
You are as free as a bird, make the most of it.
Do not waste any more time pining after a man who does not want you in his life.

[Timshel]

Eloquently succinct; I don't think that I will master that written skill without parameters of work. It's best for OP to let this guy go, not because every man left to his devices will betray.

He isn't the right person for her.  It's impossible to be rejected by a person who is a good fit.

For Theotherprice that means a better future ahead.

[Cookiesandough]

I am very sorry this happened to you. But I too think that you expected too much from him to have him hold onto a relationship with lack of intimacy and it seems like he was cheating/getting that from another. I am so sorry for all the sacrifices that you have made seemingly for nought. I think in your next relationship you should find someone who matches your desire of intimacy.