Dysfunctional Fam & Elder Care - Ready to Quit

[Otter2569]

I feel I need to get away from this demoralizing situation but also feel guilty leaving my other siblings to pick up the slack. 

My widowed mother suffers from dementia.  To keep mom in her house my 4 siblings and I have been taking care of her since my stepfather passed 14 months ago.  On paper things look great: there are 5 of us, we all live close and all are willing to help.

In reality it’s a nightmare.  My youngest sister (and her family) is so controlling that everyone want to quit.  Her family controls the finances, the grocery shopping and most of the decision making (she is not the executor).  We have seen disproportionate spending and several personal charges on my moms account.  They have put locks on all the sheds, locked her 2 cars and have taken all the keys.  Any questioning results in a huge family fight.  We now dance around my sister in an effort to keep things together.  Most recently my sister announces that mom wants to give her son my stepfathers truck and wants her daughter to have the house.  We are beside ourselves watching this fall apart while we devote precious hours each week to help.

Most recently I ask to use my moms SUV while my car is in the shop (mom can’t drive and it sits in the garage).  I explain that I can’t get over to help without a vehicle.  My sister says she needs the SUV for a few days.  I ask again a few days later and get no reply.  They ask me to help out so a third time I ask to use the SUV.  This ends in a pissing contest with no real answer.  I am irate at being expected to devote several hours each weekend helping yet having to put up with so much crap.

[mark clemson]

These are major red flags IMO. Don't just be irate - some folks will try to maneuver themselves into more than their share of an inheritance right under their relatively trusting family's nose. That may be what's going on here.

Be glad she's not the executor, some lawyers will allow what other heirs consider financial abuses to take place at the direction of an executor or trustee. It can help them drum up business. I personally know of two families to whom this sort of thing has happened.

Consider if there's a genuinely trustworthy family member who could legally obtain POA and put a stop to some of this in case it gets worse. I'm not sure about the details of your situation, but they MAY want the house and be angling/setting themselves up for that. Consider seeing a lawyer, such as a family or inheritance one and discussing what's going on. Just don't trust any lawyer TOO much as they sometimes will push for action that's not actually necessary. Which tends to get expensive quite quickly. The flip side of course is that sometimes the action IS necessary.

If your mother's estate is quite small or none of this matters to you, the above might not apply.

Sometimes when it looks like someone might die soon, the vultures start circling. Be wary.

Edited November 11, 2020 by mark clemson

[Otter2569]

39 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

These are major red flags IMO. Don't just be irate - some folks will try to maneuver themselves into more than their share of an inheritance right under their relatively trusting family's nose. That may be what's going on here.

Be glad she's not the executor, some lawyers will allow what other heirs consider financial abuses to take place at the direction of an executor or trustee. It can help them drum up business. I personally know of two families to whom this sort of thing has happened.

 

We are all concerned and upset by her and her families actions.  My niece had "such love" for my mother that her and her boyfriend offered to move in if we signed over the house to her. My good sister is POA and spoke with an attorney who absolutely advised against it.  Funny how quickly her love and time dried up when she got that news. 

We grew up in a dysfunctional family.  My youngest sister essentially lived off of my parents for 30 years (pregnant in HS, lived there for years with her 2 kids b4 moving in with baby daddy then used my parents as free day care for 18+ years… the list goes on).  My parents for whatever reason acted like she was their only child and that her family was their only grand children.  Needless to say there are a lot of hurt feelings.

[mark clemson]

Consider talking to an attorney, depending on how worried you are. Some states have squatters rights, etc and even stronger protections for people with long residence histories. These kinds of laws aren't necessarily all bad, but they sometimes get abused. GL.

[Voivoda]

Family disputes are the worse. It seems that she is the one who is trying to pull all the strings; however, if your relationship your other siblings is normal, I believe the best course of action is to gather with them and talk about the situation. If all 4 of you want to participate in taking care of your mom and then talk to your sister. If all 4 of you want to be part of the situation and she doesn't allow it and it would be appropriate to have a talk with a lawyer.

Property desputed can get ugly as well. Your closest people can stop talking talking to you, because of greed about some piece of land.

 

[d0nnivain]

There are legal ways to fix this but they are expensive & will cause more ill will.  

If your sister & her family are taking unfair advantage, you may have to sue to get guardianship over mom.   You can wait & demand an accounting later but that too will get expensive.  I suppose it really depends on how much money is at stake & how hard you want to fight.  

[Otter2569]

We nicely called out the spending and it has since stopped now that they know eyes are on the account. We are pretty sure they were putting their food on moms tab. It was ridiculous.  Their push for the house also has died down thanks to legal consultation.   It feels like she and her family can do what they want and we are nothing but free help - suckers in her plan to take whatever she can get .I avoided most of my family for years for just this reason...now we are forced to deal with each other .

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that.  Who has power of attorney to handle her affairs? Does she have a will?

She needs a skilled senior home. Look into what her medicare/medicaid will cover.

Unfortunately if you think it's a nightmare now, when she dies, the money grab will be a disaster, especially if she dies intestate and there are several children.

[Otter2569]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that.  Who has power of attorney to handle her affairs? Does she have a will?

She needs a skilled senior home. Look into what her medicare/medicaid will cover.

Unfortunately if you think it's a nightmare now, when she dies, the money grab will be a disaster, especially if she dies intestate and there are several children.

My parents have a will and thankfully my good sister is the POA.  Unfortunately my b**** sister some how weaseled her way in as a co-POA(?). From what little I know my mom cant do much if anything with medicare/medicaid since she owns a home and has some financial assets at her disposal.  

[Otter2569]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately if you think it's a nightmare now, when she dies, the money grab will be a disaster, especially if she dies intestate and there are several children.

I always knew it would end in chaos but i never expected the amount of venom, anger and possessiveness from my youngest sister.  I had distanced myself from my family for much of my  adult life because of how i was treated.  Ive since learned that most everyone else was overlooked also and had similar treatment.  Some worked for attention and approval  (l walked away) but for whatever reason only baby sister and her family mattered (shes a real piece of work) .  In the end i expect nothing but I find it totally unacceptable to be treated like crap while helping and being expected to help.

[mark clemson]

45 minutes ago, Otter2569 said:

I always knew it would end in chaos but i never expected the amount of venom, anger and possessiveness from my youngest sister. 

For some people, they make you the bad guy because it helps them justify whatever it is they want to do/feel serves THEIR best interests. If you are an ally it's harder to justify being unfair to you, so they brand you a bad guy and then drink their own koolaid. It makes it easier on them, psychologically and sometimes in terms of enlisting "minions" to help them get what they want/screw you over. Sad, but it's part of how some people's minds work. You can see it happening in various ways if you look around.

[Ellener]

On 11/11/2020 at 12:52 PM, Otter2569 said:

Needless to say there are a lot of hurt feelings.

And they are not going to resolve now, unless everyone involved takes a step back and works hard together. Since that's not happening all you can do is step away from the unpleasant stuff, drop in with flowers/cookies for your sister and mother and expect they are angry with you for a situation you can't do much about.

My sister went a bit controlling when she was first caring for my dying dad then our disabled brother, she was so stressed she could not hear anything except as criticism. Dad was the same when he looked after my disabled brother before that. I was a social worker and could have given them much-needed advice but I was also busy with my own life and I did not want to argue any more. Needless to say my brother is now in the placement he should have been when I first suggested it 20+ years ago...but no one wants to hear that.

My sister is trustworthy so I was able to sign things over to her, but sounds like you don't trust your family now.

2 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

From what little I know my mom cant do much if anything with medicare/medicaid since she owns a home and has some financial assets at her disposal.  

Car and home don't count as assets but savings do. Maybe that's why they are spending more?

It's really difficult isn't it, no ideal solution.

[Otter2569]

19 hours ago, Ellener said:

Car and home don't count as assets but savings do. Maybe that's why they are spending more?

It's really difficult isn't it, no ideal solution.

My rotten sister has always been a free loader and my parents always enabled her.  Did I mention that my mother gave her daughter money towards her student loans ?  Meanwhile most of us with kids in college don't get a second glance.  The inequity just burns my butt!!  So many stories like this. It is good that  4 of the 5 of us work together very well and get along .  Its just frustrating.

[Ellener]

12 minutes ago, Otter2569 said:

My rotten sister has always been a free loader and my parents always enabled her.  Did I mention that my mother gave her daughter money towards her student loans ?  Meanwhile most of us with kids in college don't get a second glance.  The inequity just burns my butt!!  So many stories like this. It is good that  4 of the 5 of us work together very well and get along .  Its just frustrating.

I know. If it's been a pattern for years though it's unlikely to change now. Thinking of you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Pumaza]

I saw few of your comments. And looking at situations like this....

Take a walk alone in the park,and ask yourself, what is the real issue i have and that my siblings have.

We are so worried about mom getting taking good care of,or we are worried about what we may lose materialy if she die!???🤔

If its really about mom, then go true all the relevant things mom needs to be happy and ok, and see discus what is good or need to be better with the other 3 siblings and how is best way to get it done.

The cars need to be availble for sure for who ever need to take care of mom.Cute trips for one self is not relevant.

If this sister is not moms main care giver on paper, and she is a problem more then a help, team up, do your research, when you guys are ready, meet all 5 of you and adress the issues with her. And give her a certain time to handle over everything to the main care giver. Speak up your concerns and let her speak hers. Every family got a wise and smart one.Often its the firstborn or the second child. Very few times the smallest one. Let that one child take the lead.

If not then you can take legal steps.

But try to fix it first as family.Alot of talking and be clear in what you guys need. And use dealines when things need to be done. Its all about mom being happy and protecting her.

Material stuff,is not relevant.And you guys can fight about that and go crazy when she is not here anymore.

But right now, worry about mom being good taking care of.

[Otter2569]

On 11/14/2020 at 6:31 AM, Pumaza said:

Take a walk alone in the park,and ask yourself, what is the real issue i have and that my siblings have.

Material stuff, is not relevant. And you guys can fight about that and go crazy when she is not here anymore.

But right now, worry about mom being good taking care of.

Thank You.  The objective is to keep my mother home and well cared for while at the same time preserving her financial assets (which most of us feel will be needed if health conditions worsen).  Aside from my youngest sister and her family i dont think anyone really cares about the material things.  However, watching money and things go out the door to her family and their attempt at controlling everything  sends me over the top.  It is so one sided -   as it has been my entire life.  In my opinion, my parents gave me nothing in life (ok they kept me alive for 18 years), I expect nothing in death.  Cold as it may sound, I look forward to the day I can walk away.