FML22 Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 Hi all, i’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few months (who I’m crazy about) but he has moments of insecurity that I’m not sure how to handle. For example, if he’s expecting my call and it’s been longer that he thinks it should be.. he freaks out and says passive aggressive BS to me like : ”enjoy your day whatever you’re doing” ”clearly you have an agenda today so have fun” ”don’t know what took you so long...I guess I don’t matter..” he cannot handle me being out and about and doing my own thing or taking an hour to call him back when I’m at my sisters when he thinks it should have been 20 mins. i’m trying to be patient and understanding but I’m really at my wits end at this point. It’s pretty much weekly that he’s finding something like this that he is getting upset with me about. i’m an honest, loyal , good person and he just doesn’t see it or can’t see it and it’s really hurtful and frustrating to me to be questioned over such petty BS i’ve talked to him about it and he mostly blames me for whatever it is that I “did wrong “ saying if I want him to stop I need to stop doing things “wrong.” I know this is crazy talk lol but I don’t know what to do. I’m at the point now where I just remove myself or tell him I’m not engaging in this nonsense with him and that just sets him off further... ughhh Ive never dealt with a guy like this before... any thoughts?! Thanks in advance 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FML22 Posted November 11, 2020 Author Share Posted November 11, 2020 Oh also..over the last few months, Ive tried reassuring him and explaining to him in detail “what happened” and it hasn’t helped .. he still doesn’t believe me 😐😭 it’s heartbreaking and frustrating all at once 😫 Link to post Share on other sites
Voivoda Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 Well, since you've already tried to talk to him about his behavier, which isn't okay and he doesn't want to listen to you, then you should take some actions. He needs to understand that there are conciquences about acting this way. Maybe if acts passive-aggresive, let him know that you won't pick up the phone until he starts acting like a normal human being and stick to it for a day or so and see how he handles it. If that triggers him even more, then you should distance yourself even more. If he doesn't see that your being serious about what you tell him, then you need to show him. If this continues, it will start bothering more and more over time until you can't stand that dude anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Star_one Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) 33 minutes ago, FML22 said: Oh also..over the last few months, Ive tried reassuring him and explaining to him in detail “what happened” and it hasn’t helped .. he still doesn’t believe me 😐😭 it’s heartbreaking and frustrating all at once 😫 Omg I know what u mean , my bf finds anything to fight about 🤦♀️🤦♀️ I’m learning it’s not us it’s them ..I know my bf got hurt Bad in his pass relationships , maybe he got hurt super bad and now he doesn’t trust ..My bf goes as far like blocking me on social media 😂😂 he has done it like couple of times and now I’m like whatever at first it would bug me so much ..But overall they need to change there ways and learn to trust , if u haven’t gave him any reason not too .We all have our breaking point too Edited November 11, 2020 by Star_one Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 Sorry to hear that. Text-tethering like this is a form of control. You may want to red up on 'red flags for controlling relationships' (google it). Until you decide, don't defend yourself, explain yourself or respond to nonsense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4me Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 You know what to do - break up. It's only been a few months, do you want it to turn into a few years? He's not going to change. End things now and hopefully he learns for his next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 I'm sorry to say I don't think this is going to get better anytime soon. Insecurity is rooted in low self-esteem, which can take a long time to improve, typically many years with dedicated self-work. I sympathize, as I think my ex-boyfriend sabotaged our relationship because of his own insecurities. His behavior was different but the result was the same. At times he admitted to me that he was constantly afraid of losing me, seemed to subconsciously feel unworthy of the love we had. Ultimately, he drove me away with his bad behavior. I really loved him and tried hard to work through it, overlook it, anything, but it just wasn't possible. He's tried to get back together, but I know the same issues would emerge, and I'm not interested in subjecting myself to all that again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 I dated a guy like that once. It never gets better. If this is what you want your life to be -- being at his beck & call, catering to all his insecurities & propping him up for the rest of your life, carry on. If you want him to get over understand that will never happen. If you can't deal anymore, you know where the door is. Sorry but you can't fix him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FML22 Posted November 11, 2020 Author Share Posted November 11, 2020 3 hours ago, Star_one said: Omg I know what u mean , my bf finds anything to fight about 🤦♀️🤦♀️ I’m learning it’s not us it’s them ..I know my bf got hurt Bad in his pass relationships , maybe he got hurt super bad and now he doesn’t trust ..My bf goes as far like blocking me on social media 😂😂 he has done it like couple of times and now I’m like whatever at first it would bug me so much ..But overall they need to change there ways and learn to trust , if u haven’t gave him any reason not too .We all have our breaking point too Yes totally.. I know he’s been hurt in the past but .. who hasn’t?! It’s not helpful to drag that baggage into our relationship and make me the enemy for no reason. He’s killing what we have based on past BS and so his s***ty exes are winning! It’s infuriating! 😭 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FML22 Posted November 11, 2020 Author Share Posted November 11, 2020 3 hours ago, Voivoda said: Well, since you've already tried to talk to him about his behavier, which isn't okay and he doesn't want to listen to you, then you should take some actions. He needs to understand that there are conciquences about acting this way. Maybe if acts passive-aggresive, let him know that you won't pick up the phone until he starts acting like a normal human being and stick to it for a day or so and see how he handles it. If that triggers him even more, then you should distance yourself even more. If he doesn't see that your being serious about what you tell him, then you need to show him. If this continues, it will start bothering more and more over time until you can't stand that dude anymore. I’ll keep trying to do that.. but he mostly reacts by saying “I’m just telling you how I feel...” and/or blaming me. I know it’s crazy making behavior and I’m in the web of chaos but I’m still trying ughhh Link to post Share on other sites
Author FML22 Posted November 11, 2020 Author Share Posted November 11, 2020 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear that. Text-tethering like this is a form of control. You may want to red up on 'red flags for controlling relationships' (google it). Until you decide, don't defend yourself, explain yourself or respond to nonsense. I try. Really I do but sometimes I explode in anger which I know isn’t helpful .. but he just pushes me and his behavior is crazy making !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FML22 Posted November 11, 2020 Author Share Posted November 11, 2020 3 hours ago, Mystery4me said: You know what to do - break up. It's only been a few months, do you want it to turn into a few years? He's not going to change. End things now and hopefully he learns for his next relationship. Ughhh no but I guess I’m not ready to throw in the towel. Not sure how much more I can take but.. just being honest that I’m not there yet 😣 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FML22 Posted November 11, 2020 Author Share Posted November 11, 2020 3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: I'm sorry to say I don't think this is going to get better anytime soon. Insecurity is rooted in low self-esteem, which can take a long time to improve, typically many years with dedicated self-work. I sympathize, as I think my ex-boyfriend sabotaged our relationship because of his own insecurities. His behavior was different but the result was the same. At times he admitted to me that he was constantly afraid of losing me, seemed to subconsciously feel unworthy of the love we had. Ultimately, he drove me away with his bad behavior. I really loved him and tried hard to work through it, overlook it, anything, but it just wasn't possible. He's tried to get back together, but I know the same issues would emerge, and I'm not interested in subjecting myself to all that again. Thanks for sharing.. this is what I’m afraid of. Cuz I am crazy about him and I really do love him and want it to work 😭 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 (edited) If you're not ready to walk away, then tell him that you will not be engaging with him when he does this behaviour. And stick to it. If he texts this passive aggressive stuff, don't respond. If he says it to your face, give him a blank stare and walk away from him. If he continues to push, give another blank stare then get up and leave (or if he's at your house, ask him to leave) Most importantly, DO NOT reassure him or remind him that you love him when he does this. Because to do so is rewarding his behaviour. If he blocks you when you push back, don't try and reach him through other means. And if he unblocks you, do not apologise. Don't ever apologise for pushing back against who's trying to control you. Also, he's NOT telling you how he feels. Rather, he's guilt tripping you and hiding it behind his feelings. He's really quite manipulative. Edited November 12, 2020 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 6 hours ago, FML22 said: .. I know he’s been hurt in the past but .. Unfortunately no one is "winning" here. It's you who is losing out on a relationship because he's ready for sex, but not a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
siren8272 Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 Girl RUN dont walk away this is how controlling abusers start.....id suggest break up by text if you think he will manipulate you out of dumping him....he isnt going to get better unless he wants to and it appears he doesnt want to.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rashed8 Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 7 hours ago, siren8272 said: Girl RUN dont walk away this is how controlling abusers start.....id suggest break up by text if you think he will manipulate you out of dumping him....he isnt going to get better unless he wants to and it appears he doesnt want to.... I appreciate your reply here. Thank you so much! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 Why are you putting up with this? This guy needs to get his a** dumped over this. Maybe then he'll learn that he has no right to treat a girlfriend like this. He sounds immature and controlling. I seriously don't understand why you would waste your time with a guy like this. Don't lose your self-respect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FML22 Posted November 13, 2020 Author Share Posted November 13, 2020 20 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Why are you putting up with this? This guy needs to get his a** dumped over this. Maybe then he'll learn that he has no right to treat a girlfriend like this. He sounds immature and controlling. I seriously don't understand why you would waste your time with a guy like this. Don't lose your self-respect. Good question.. I don’t know. What makes you say that though? Curious? Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted November 13, 2020 Share Posted November 13, 2020 Helloooooo red flags waiving and smacking you in the face already! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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