My ex reached out and apologised

[homecoming]

An ex I've previously posted about - who didn't treat me very well - reached out and apologised. They explained that they weren't in a good place when we were together, and that they shouldn't have treated me that way, I didn't do anything wrong, and that I am a good person who doesn't deserve that. That they did want to be with me, but had too many internal conflicts going on, and sabotaged things on purpose. Other things similar to that were said, and I was just quite stunned throughout the entire call. Told me that they are now in therapy, and working on these issues. 

The call was rounded off with them saying they didn't think we could be friends because we are quite intense and trigger each other, and that they are in a place where they are trying to avoid unhealthy relationships, which they feel ours is/was, due to our individual mental health problems. I don't think we could be friends either - too many complex things have happened and I have to keep in mind that this person really did hurt me and.. I believe they would, again (despite the apology). So we wished each other well and just said goodbye, at the end of it. 

For almost two years, I've struggled to move past what happened. I've had no input from that person since they abruptly ended things in a bad way (the story is in my post history, I think). It was very very painful for me and caused me a lot of pain and issues with my mental health. And now I have - I have heard everything I felt I needed to hear. 

I kind of thought that getting this validation would make me feel better - and it does. All the questions I'd been ruminating on have been answered.  also I feel as if I'm feeling so many things now - and quite embarrassing but I'm quite upset, and have been crying regularly. I feel sad knowing that this person did care for me after all, and that there isn't any future with them. Also sad that this conversation or honesty couldn't be displayed all that time ago. And maybe just general relief in now I can move on. And sadness that this is where I can let go and move on. I guess I just didn't expect to feel so many different things at once, but I dunno, maybe this is normal.

 

 

Edited November 11, 2020 by homecoming

[basil67]

Yes, I think it's quite normal to feel so conflicted.  And even though we had thought we were totally past a relationship, having it come bubbling back up can stir old emotions.  You're getting a lot closer to gaining closure now.

Regarding why they weren't honest a long time ago - it's because they hadn't done the personal growth back then.  This person sounds like they have been soul searching only recently and this is why they have reached out now.   Hopefully you'll both have better futures now.

[homecoming]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, I think it's quite normal to feel so conflicted.  And even though we had thought we were totally past a relationship, having it come bubbling back up can stir old emotions.  You're getting a lot closer to gaining closure now.

Regarding why they weren't honest a long time ago - it's because they hadn't done the personal growth back then.  This person sounds like they have been soul searching only recently and this is why they have reached out now.   Hopefully you'll both have better futures now.

Thank you, this a really nice reply. Yeah, also just speaking to them over the phone and hearing their voice was a lot to take in. But, you're right. I think this where the bulk of the healing will start.

[gaius]

Relationships aren't really rocket science. If this person wanted to be with you they'd be with you. "Oh, I really wanted to be with you but I had internal conflicts, blah, blah, blah", a bunch of horsesht. 

It sounds more like they revictimized you by using a feigned apology to talk all about their therapeutic journey of self discovery. Like you need to hear that. Maybe they even got off on knowing they could still pick up the phone and get you to listen. Either way they sound like a grade A turd and I'd kick someone that did me like that right out the window if they tried to pull that. No wonder you're upset.

Sorry homecoming that they've caused you that kind of pain. You deserve a lot better.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. It's never good news when an ex reaches out. Think about it. He reached out so this was for him, not you.

Don't be this ex's therapist or priest. It's not your job, nor are you being paid $200/hr. to listen to his drivel or confess his guilt.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Set yourself free. That's your job in this scenario.

[homecoming]

8 hours ago, gaius said:

Relationships aren't really rocket science. If this person wanted to be with you they'd be with you. "Oh, I really wanted to be with you but I had internal conflicts, blah, blah, blah", a bunch of horsesht. 

It sounds more like they revictimized you by using a feigned apology to talk all about their therapeutic journey of self discovery. Like you need to hear that. Maybe they even got off on knowing they could still pick up the phone and get you to listen. Either way they sound like a grade A turd and I'd kick someone that did me like that right out the window if they tried to pull that. No wonder you're upset.

Sorry homecoming that they've caused you that kind of pain. You deserve a lot better.

I totally hear that, but this person has BPD, so does sabotage relationships as is part of the disorder. I did need to hear it, to be honest - this was the first time they admitted to hurting me, and that was what I had needed to hear, as I had blamed myself for everything, for two years. I agree that they’re not the best person, but I still needed to hear certain things. 

[homecoming]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. It's never good news when an ex reaches out. Think about it. He reached out so this was for him, not you.

Don't be this ex's therapist or priest. It's not your job, nor are you being paid $200/hr. to listen to his drivel or confess his guilt.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Set yourself free. That's your job in this scenario.

No, I know. I know that apologies are mostly self-serving. But as I said to the other person here, I had questions and ruminations that were based around a lack of answers and a lack of remorse, which was my biggest hang up from the situation - regardless really of their motives (which I’m not concerned about), I have wanted to heal and the unanswered questions were stopping me from doing that. I hope now I’m able to move on properly, as I was stuck, before. 

We’re not gonna talk also - we agreed not to be in contact, which is obviously for the best.

[lee179108]

On 11/11/2020 at 11:02 PM, homecoming said:

An ex I've previously posted about - who didn't treat me very well - reached out and apologised. They explained that they weren't in a good place when we were together, and that they shouldn't have treated me that way, I didn't do anything wrong, and that I am a good person who doesn't deserve that. That they did want to be with me, but had too many internal conflicts going on, and sabotaged things on purpose. Other things similar to that were said, and I was just quite stunned throughout the entire call. Told me that they are now in therapy, and working on these issues. 

The call was rounded off with them saying they didn't think we could be friends because we are quite intense and trigger each other, and that they are in a place where they are trying to avoid unhealthy relationships, which they feel ours is/was, due to our individual mental health problems. I don't think we could be friends either - too many complex things have happened and I have to keep in mind that this person really did hurt me and.. I believe they would, again (despite the apology). So we wished each other well and just said goodbye, at the end of it. 

For almost two years, I've struggled to move past what happened. I've had no input from that person since they abruptly ended things in a bad way (the story is in my post history, I think). It was very very painful for me and caused me a lot of pain and issues with my mental health. And now I have - I have heard everything I felt I needed to hear. 

I kind of thought that getting this validation would make me feel better - and it does. All the questions I'd been ruminating on have been answered.  also I feel as if I'm feeling so many things now - and quite embarrassing but I'm quite upset, and have been crying regularly. I feel sad knowing that this person did care for me after all, and that there isn't any future with them. Also sad that this conversation or honesty couldn't be displayed all that time ago. And maybe just general relief in now I can move on. And sadness that this is where I can let go and move on. I guess I just didn't expect to feel so many different things at once, but I dunno, maybe this is normal.

 

 

Just be careful, my ex gf did something similar to me last year.. broke up with me as she didnt feel the same and didnt miss me anymore... 2 months go by and she misses me. I give her another chance and fast forward to August this year and she sayd she doesnt miss me and wants to be single and had no empathy for me.. so we broke up again. Now if i would have listened to my instinct i wouldnt be here now... so please dont let him play you.

[homecoming]

On 11/16/2020 at 1:43 AM, lee179108 said:

Just be careful, my ex gf did something similar to me last year.. broke up with me as she didnt feel the same and didnt miss me anymore... 2 months go by and she misses me. I give her another chance and fast forward to August this year and she sayd she doesnt miss me and wants to be single and had no empathy for me.. so we broke up again. Now if i would have listened to my instinct i wouldnt be here now... so please dont let him play you.

Hey - sorry to hear you had a bad experience with an ex. I don't think we're going to be in contact, it seemed a very final conversation and my ex seems to have moved on. It wouldn't surprise me if they reached out again but I doubt it, and even if they do I don't think I have the same amount of trust for them

[lee179108]

2 hours ago, homecoming said:

Hey - sorry to hear you had a bad experience with an ex. I don't think we're going to be in contact, it seemed a very final conversation and my ex seems to have moved on. It wouldn't surprise me if they reached out again but I doubt it, and even if they do I don't think I have the same amount of trust for them

That was my problem when we first got back together, in the back of my mind i was always thinking what if this happens again.. even though she reassured me it wouldnt.. i still kept thinking and i was right all along because here I am. I dont think I will hear from her again either, i think about her every day, miss her and let her affect me mentally and even want her to reach out even though its been a while.. but i know if she did it could never go back to normal and id never be at ease. There was talk of mental health issues around it but who am i to know.. i offered support and she didnt want me... My ex has moved on as well it seems...  but karma will work its way to them one day I do believe that. Im trying to take things day by day, thats how i deal with it as im an hour away from friends and family so i go to the gym, try to talk to friends when i can and watch TV. Not many distractions but its a slow process that takes time, annoys me as im impatient. But I know I will never let myself be as leanient with someone if this happens again, ive learnt from my mistakes and hope next year will be better. 

[Ruby Slippers]

This sounds like a good thing to me. After the dust of the breakup from my last boyfriend settled, he contacted me, and I apologized for any hurt I unintentionally caused. He never said any such thing, even though I think his behavior was more offensive. Very telling. I don't expect he ever will apologize, so I've found my own closure within. It's nice that your ex took responsibility for his mistakes.