Paying for physical contact as a disabled person.

[Sean1973]

I have an issue that has been plaguing my mind and keeping me up for quite some time now, and i clearly need some objective help to resolve it.

Refraining from the moral and social debate surrounding the worlds oldest profession for a moment, I am giving serious consideration to hiring a sex worker for a night or two this January, and would appreciate the view from others.  For the sake of the discussion, lets presume that the person offering the service is doing so with the full measure of her right to self determination.

I was born with a genetic disease that has several unfortunate side effects. While I was born with it, the full measure of the diseases' expression hadn't occurred until about 15 years ago. Prior to that, I had only the usual barriers to dating - as well as some of the "more challenging" varieties, such as having been a victim of childhood abuse (physical, emotional and sexual). Nonetheless, I have experienced several lasting relationships in the distant past.  That came to an abrupt end once this disease took hold and I started to experience the symptoms far more predominately. Symptoms which include severe and chronic pain, swelling,  deep vein thrombosis, aneurysms and other vascular malformations, high flow cardiac failure, fatigue, chronic lesions, and the worst of the lot - severe deformation of my right arm, chest and back.

The deformity is now significant enough that, as events of the past several years have shown unfailingly and unequivocally, is that even my closest female friends physically withdraw - violently at times - from so much as the PROSPECT of physical contact such as a hug or touch on the shoulder.  Its reminiscent of the Harlow monkey experiments at times, and can be extremely hurtful.

The other day, however, i stumbled upon a documentary which explored the sexual health of disabled peoples, and the moral questions surrounding the hiring of sex workers to help fulfill their most base of human requirements.

What I am considering - if its even possible -  is hiring a sex worker roughly my own age (47 / 48) willing to hold me, and allow me to hold them. Cuddling on the couch for a day while watching movies, drinking wine and eventually falling asleep holding hands - no sex and clothing on at all times. As simple as this sounds, and as much as such a thing is taken for granted by most people - at this point i would give absolutely ANYTHING for that experience. (of course, being on a fixed disability income, that doesn't account for much in a relative sense).

The questions i have in this situation is two-fold:  

how does one hire a sex worker?  I am entirely unfamiliar with how that works and would benefit from the advice of anyone who understands it.  How safe is it, especially having them come to my home and that i am disabled? What precautions do i need to take. (I do intend to be inebriated and likely under the influence of drugs - prescribed and otherwise... dilaudid for pain and MDMA for pleasure. having what we used to call a "cuddle puddle" back in my rave days). What should i expect to pay for such a service. Keeping in mind that I intend to treat who ever i hire with the upmost respect and doting generosity - making nice meals, opening doors, bringing flowers and chocolates and alike)

The second question is that of the potential for regret.  My fear is that following through with my plan is that I may start to obsess with the thought that the only way someone will want to be with me, even in a platonic way, without being compensated for it.

Thank you for your open minded consideration into these questions, and I look forward to reading your thoughtful and helpful reply.

Kindest regards,

Sean

 

[basil67]

I live in Australia.  Sex work is legal and among progressives, sex work is viewed as meeting a very real need among those who are disabled.   I think that it's really important to look for a sex worker who has both compassion and experience in the disability sector.  To find a sex worker, I'd start by researching 'disability friendly sex workers'.   If you're in Australia or NZ, there's a Not For Profit organisation called touchingbase.org who can help facilitate.

I would disclose your intention to use MDMA to the sex worker.

[Sean1973]

Thank you for your reply.  As for the MDMA, again - in respecting the right to self-determination, full disclosure of my expectations and intentions would be paramount to any such dealings. Tangentially,  its interesting to me to see just how much I've evolved over the years from a very "straight" and conservative individual, to one who is now considering the merits of paying for intimacy and using "hard" drugs". Such is life i suppose.

Unfortunately, here in Canada there is no such consideration for the interpersonal needs of disabled peoples. At least, none that i am aware of. In fact, as with many countries, there is considerable on going debate regarding the role of prostitution in society, and the current laws which can generously be described as schizophrenic.

Nonetheless, having had the opportunity to write down my thoughts on this matter for the first time - I'm starting to think that I'm staring down a road that is best left untraveled. That this is likely something that i would quickly come to regret.  So many of my attempts at interactions that so much as hint of intimacy have all ended bitterly - just because there would be an exchange of money, i think it would be naive of me to think that this would be any different. That maybe what few resources i have would be better invested in other, emotionally safer pursuits.

[Ruby Slippers]

Are there not online communities for disabled people where you might meet a woman in a similar situation, someone you could possibly date and have a relationship with? There's a lid for every pot, as they say. 

[Sean1973]

I'm not interested in a relationship...  only a moment comfort and distraction with no strings attached.

[Ruby Slippers]

If you fully acknowledge you only want something casual, that should dispel this fear. It's highly likely that a woman in a similar situation would be open to considering something more than casual. For casual, like most men, you'll have to work out something transactional. 

17 hours ago, Sean1973 said:

My fear is that following through with my plan is that I may start to obsess with the thought that the only way someone will want to be with me, even in a platonic way, without being compensated for it.