Why my wife gets frustrated when I assist her in house Chores!

[zouzd]

we have been together since more than. 15 years , she used to get help from part timers and sometimes full time helpers on and off; 

in the last few years this became less and less possible ; and now in the Pamdemic it is almost unavailable....

 

It is very weired to me that when I feel that my wife is overwhelmed with house chores and I try to help her she because very aggressive afterward ;I am puzzled; I thought helping her 

would make her comfortable and happy , rather she becomes very kinky.

It is happening again and again ; and if I leave her without help it is worse.

 

??

your opinion , especially from wives in similar positions .

 

 

 

[schlumpy]

Are you insisting that you do it "your way?"

[basil67]

Do you correct your wife's way of doing housework?    If you're not correcting her, does she have to re-do your attempts?

Also, why would you connect sex with housework?  A person should do housework as part of contributing to the house - not because they hope for a reward.

[zouzd]

Do you correct your wife's way of doing housework? 

nope

  If you're not correcting her, does she have to re-do your attempts?

I do simple things , and they seem fine , she doesn't argue .. she just gets nervous without admitting the causes

Also, why would you connect sex with housework? 

no , we rarely have sex , like once or twice a month ... since years

[zouzd]

15 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Are you insisting that you do it "your way?"

I ask for advise and help before i start .

she escapes.

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, zouzd said:

would make her comfortable and happy , rather she becomes very kinky.

 

48 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Also, why would you connect sex with housework? 

I guess he meant cranky not kinky.

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

 

I guess he meant cranky not kinky.

🤣🤣🤣     Sorry.  My mistake.

[schlumpy]

Let me throw out a possibility and you can shoot me down.

Might it be that she wants to dislike you and you helping around the house is interfering with the narrative she wants to build?

[Allupinnit]

You may not be doing it correctly.  My H and I have very different ideas about what constitutes clean and I constantly have to remind him to help me or show him how.  The mental toll it takes is a burden.

I've hired a cleaning lady who comes every other week so the deep cleaning is taken care of, and that has helped a lot with that tension.  Here's where you can start -  you know how sometimes laundry will sit in the dryer until you need something out of it?  Be the guy who folds it right away when the cycle is done.  OMG I'D LOVE IT IF MY H DID THAT!

[basil67]

6 hours ago, zouzd said:

Also, why would you connect sex with housework? 

 

Because you did a typo and wrote kinky instead of what we assume was meant to be cranky.   I thought you wanted kinky sex as thanks.    But another poster cleared it up and I noted my mistake.  

 

[deepthinking]

"and I try to help her" try? what is so hard about it that you can only manage to try, to attempt, as if there is way of failing...

Maybe I misunderstand you, but stop just attempting and instead be efficient.  Discuss who does what,  then stick a rota on the wall, and  keep to it

Edited November 13, 2020 by deepthinking

[Crazelnut]

So before you do something, you have to ask her what to do and ask for advice on how to do it? If so, she's exasperated and frustrated that she has to tell a grown man how to take care of kids/house. 

Maybe sit down with her and make a regular chore list that you just DO each week. 

[Wiseman2]

It's not about the chores, she resents you.

 

[ShyViolet]

When someone "helps" with cleaning but they do a bad job of the cleaning or do it wrong, it can be more aggravating and frustrating than if they don't help at all.  Is that what is happening here?  Are you communicating with her before you "help" or do you just jump in and start doing stuff that she might not necessarily want you to do?  Do you actually ask her if she wants help or what you can do to help?

[FMW]

Ask her.  Tell her you've noticed that when you pitch in it seems to upset her, ask her why that is.  

Maybe she's a control freak and wants to do it herself (even when she seems overwhelmed), or maybe she feels like what you're doing isn't helping and maybe even making things worse (if she feels the need to go back and redo it).  Maybe she's old fashioned and feels it's her job (not likely, but who knows) and so when you step in to help she feels it's a judgment on her ability to do "her duties".  

Is she regularly cranky with you about other things or just housecleaning?  If it's more than just the housework, then as has been mentioned, maybe there's a larger problem of her feeling resentful towards you just in general.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Double check your body language and facial expression as you offer to help her.  If there is the slightest sense in your tone or in body or expression that she is messing up or failing or incompetent, that would set her off.

Also, if your words say "let me help you" and your body says, "I hate offering to help you--I really don't want to help you" then that would also be unpleasant for your wife.

It's also possible that your wife is putting all kinds of pressure on herself, out of the feeling that she must do all this work perfectly without your help--or you will not really like her, or that she is failing to do what a "good wife" should. Your wife could come from a family where people technically offered help but that offer of help often came with a heavy dose of condescension, often revealed in the tone, in the body language and in facial expression.

If your wife seems overwhelmed, a good step might be to first connect with her. Go hug her. Kiss her on the forehead. Affirm her. Praise her for trying to work so hard. THEN offer to help.  

[introverted1]

Why are you the helper and not equally responsible?  Your wording suggests that these chores are your wife's responsibility and you can choose whether and when to "help." Perhaps if you approached this as a partnership with your wife and agreed on what chores you will each do (and to what "standard of completion") your wife will be less cranky.

[Starswillshine]

On 11/13/2020 at 9:30 AM, FMW said:

  Maybe she's old fashioned and feels it's her job (not likely, but who knows) and so when you step in to help she feels it's a judgment on her ability to do "her duties".  

 

This was my thought. I can be this way... nothing that he is doing. Just that it is my responsibility and I then feel guilty when he starts helping me. I feel like I'm a slacker.

[zouzd]

wow !

YOU ARE RIGHT!

she gets even frustrated.

women are really sometimes hard to understand!

[Narie]

Because sometimes we are in this mood where we want the house to  e exactly as what we imagined it to be. So when cleaning and you decided to help it's ruining the mood.

[Wiseman2]

Divide it up. She does abc, you do xyz. Don't trip all over each other co-doing chores.

For example if she does vacuuming, whatever, then you take out trash whatever.

That way you won't bicker about how it's done. Simple.

[salparadise]

You need to sit her down and have a conversation about it. Ask her why it bothers her and what she expects. Even if she isn't able to say exactly why it bothers her you will still gain some insight. Negotiate and make a list, and you do your part without her having to be involved. If you do that and she's still not satisfied then there is probably some irrational aspect.

My ex-wife was like this. Her mother grew up in poverty and then became a clean freak after she married, a rubber band effect. She made her two daughters clean every day, and she was never approving. So my ex-w ended up with extremely high standards for cleanliness, but she despised having to clean. So guess who absorbed the brunt of that disparity. We negotiated. I was deemed unable to vacuum or wash clothes to her satisfaction, so I agreed to clean three bathrooms once a week (in addition to all outside chores- mowing, digging, etc. Plus mechanical and maintenance stuff). My rules were a) that my bucket with brushes, sponges, and cleaning products was not to be raided and dispersed, b) that I'd make it visually clean, but wasn't going to be responsible for imaginary germs, and c) no direct supervision or criticism. Worked like a charm? Phukk no. She hated that I could get it all done before she got out of bed on a Saturday morning, and be out riding motorcycles with my buddies before her feet touched the floor. She needed to see me suffer. Psychologically she needed hours of detailed micro-cleaning and scrubbing as penance to her mother's obsession (and abuse). 

So, it's quite possible that this "thing" represents more than a practical need to keep the place clean and organized. You need to get to the bottom of what's causing it. If it's practical, just do your part. If it's not, well, separate houses solved our issue.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 11/12/2020 at 4:34 PM, elaine567 said:

 

I guess he meant cranky not kinky.

I wish LS kept the haha emoticon! 😂 This made me LOL. Thanks...I really needed it!  Clever Elaine! 😁 I wish you were my next door neighbor. I can just imagine some witty and comical chats over tea.