I've just broken up with my ex and I'm the one who's heartbroken

[Sky333]

Anyone else broken up with a bf and felt like it was a massive mistake. I miss him so much and I don’t think he feels the same. Should I just go through the motions of missing him or do I reach out to him and say I want you back? 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

10 minutes ago, Sky333 said:

Anyone else broken up with a bf and felt like it was a massive mistake. I miss him so much and I don’t think he feels the same. Should I just go through the motions of missing him or do I reach out to him and say I want you back? 

Well you don't offer us any context... so we can't easily select a verbal path to support you.

 

HOWEVER,   I will assume you had a constructive or analytical reason for having initiated the break-up...  

 

and with that, I would urge you to pause to 

separate two unique entities:

 

1 -   HIM-him

and/from

 

2 -  Your emotional investment IN him.

That second part is something that you should recognize and continue to cherish, while at the same time continuing to stand firm in your consideration of criteria which inspired you to initiate the break-up.

 

The hurt you feel is more the weight of your emotional investment  seeming to have lost value, than it is anything to do with him the individual, or his actions.

 

Ultimately you will probably look back from the future with clearer understanding as to why you made the choice to break-up, and WHY that was the best move for you, even as it feels/seems in 2020.

 

 

 

 

[Sky333]

9 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Well you don't offer us any context... so we can't easily select a verbal path to support you.

 

HOWEVER,   I will assume you had a constructive or analytical reason for having initiated the break-up...  

 

and with that, I would urge you to pause to 

separate two unique entities:

 

1 -   HIM-him

and/from

 

2 -  Your emotional investment IN him.

That second part is something that you should recognize and continue to cherish, while at the same time continuing to stand firm in your consideration of criteria which inspired you to initiate the break-up.

 

The hurt you feel is more the weight of your emotional investment  seeming to have lost value, than it is anything to do with him the individual, or his actions.

 

Ultimately you will probably look back from the future with clearer understanding as to why you made the choice to break-up, and WHY that was the best move for you, even as it feels/seems in 2020.

 

 

 

 

Sorry, I’m new to this. In fact it’s the first time I’ve joined a forum. 
Some background...I’m in my 40’s. I split up with my husband 2 years ago and then started a relationship. At first I thought this could be a rebound relationship as I didn’t want to be alone but the more time I spent with my boyfriend the more I fell in love. The relationship progressed very quickly and I felt claustrophobic and that we had stopped ‘dating’ but acted more like a married couple. Bickering, annoyance and irritated the f*** out of me sometimes. So I ended it a few weeks ago and now I regret my decision. I’ve had no indication that he wants me back and he could possibly be seeing someone else. The one thing I know for sure is the amount of love he gave me and I can’t imagine he’d give up on me so easily. I’ve never felt more heartbroken in my life. 
I hope this makes sense and thanks for replying to my previous message. 

[Hpchic]

1 hour ago, Sky333 said:

Sorry, I’m new to this. In fact it’s the first time I’ve joined a forum. 
Some background...I’m in my 40’s. I split up with my husband 2 years ago and then started a relationship. At first I thought this could be a rebound relationship as I didn’t want to be alone but the more time I spent with my boyfriend the more I fell in love. The relationship progressed very quickly and I felt claustrophobic and that we had stopped ‘dating’ but acted more like a married couple. Bickering, annoyance and irritated the f*** out of me sometimes. So I ended it a few weeks ago and now I regret my decision. I’ve had no indication that he wants me back and he could possibly be seeing someone else. The one thing I know for sure is the amount of love he gave me and I can’t imagine he’d give up on me so easily. I’ve never felt more heartbroken in my life. 
I hope this makes sense and thanks for replying to my previous message. 

Well since you’re the one who ended it he’s probably not going to reach out to you, the ball is in your court.  I mean to me it doesn’t sound like you had any deep issues in your relationship.  After two years you do kind of become a settled in couple, and things may start to annoy you about him but that’s not really a reason to breakup if you love the person.

If you truly feel like you love him and you want to be with him the you’re the one who has to reach out to him.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Are you saying you didn't really want to break up with him? That you were hoping he would cry and beg and all that? And then you would back off?

I'm confused.

[Miss Spider]

Yes. Just about every time I do it. Think about it though,  do you really want to be back in that situation? You left for a reason

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Sky333 said:

 The one thing I know for sure is the amount of love he gave me and I can’t imagine he’d give up on me so easily

Why are you putting this on him when you were the one who gave up?   And given the bickering, annoyance and irritation, it sounds like you did so for good reason.   

If he was to chase you, do you really want to go back to that?

[Blind-Sided]

11 hours ago, Sky333 said:

.........we had stopped ‘dating’ but acted more like a married couple. Bickering, annoyance and irritated the f*** out of me sometimes.

.....So I ended it a few weeks ago and now I regret my decision. I’ve had no indication that he wants me back and he could possibly be seeing someone else. The one thing I know for sure is the amount of love he gave me and I can’t imagine he’d give up on me so easily. ........

Well.... a couple things.

I don't know why you ended it with your husband... but it really doesn't matter in this.  BUT... you grabbed onto the first guy, and enjoyed the excitement of something new. (New freedom) That "Newness" ended, and you got grumpy... in turn... he got grumpy, and you gave up. (Because you liked the newness)  AND... I guess on some level... you felt married again. (That you didn't want) 

Next... as others have said... you were the one who gave up, so why would he come back.  I'm assuming he is a 40-ish year old guy... and has gone through a bad marriage too. Because of that... he has probably hardened his hart some, and is more "disappointed" in the break-up, rather than "Heart Broken".   Also, (just reflecting on my own divorce) Since you were the one who broke up... he doesn't want to be heart-broken... so he is letting you go, and moving on.

On a personal note... I have also been broken up with my exW for basically 2 years... and I started seeing my new GF about 9 months ago.  If we broke up for some reason... I would be disappointed... but I won't let myself be has "Broken" as I was when my exW went NUTZ and tore my life apart.  I love my new GF... but it's not like I have a "Life Time" with her, and I would simply move on. 

With all that said... I'm sorry you are hurting... but it was your choice.  You could have talked to him, and tried to work things out, but you chose to leave him.  Take a few deep breaths, and know that time will heal things.  But, also be aware that if you started dating your exBF while you were still divorcing, you probably never really healed from your marriage, and now you need to face the divorce, and the BF.  Take time to reflect on yourself, and focus on hobbies, and friends.  Once you are happy again... you will be ready to date again.

I wish you happiness in moving forward. 

[Sky333]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

Well.... a couple things.

I don't know why you ended it with your husband... but it really doesn't matter in this.  BUT... you grabbed onto the first guy, and enjoyed the excitement of something new. (New freedom) That "Newness" ended, and you got grumpy... in turn... he got grumpy, and you gave up. (Because you liked the newness)  AND... I guess on some level... you felt married again. (That you didn't want) 

Next... as others have said... you were the one who gave up, so why would he come back.  I'm assuming he is a 40-ish year old guy... and has gone through a bad marriage too. Because of that... he has probably hardened his hart some, and is more "disappointed" in the break-up, rather than "Heart Broken".   Also, (just reflecting on my own divorce) Since you were the one who broke up... he doesn't want to be heart-broken... so he is letting you go, and moving on.

On a personal note... I have also been broken up with my exW for basically 2 years... and I started seeing my new GF about 9 months ago.  If we broke up for some reason... I would be disappointed... but I won't let myself be has "Broken" as I was when my exW went NUTZ and tore my life apart.  I love my new GF... but it's not like I have a "Life Time" with her, and I would simply move on. 

With all that said... I'm sorry you are hurting... but it was your choice.  You could have talked to him, and tried to work things out, but you chose to leave him.  Take a few deep breaths, and know that time will heal things.  But, also be aware that if you started dating your exBF while you were still divorcing, you probably never really healed from your marriage, and now you need to face the divorce, and the BF.  Take time to reflect on yourself, and focus on hobbies, and friends.  Once you are happy again... you will be ready to date again.

I wish you happiness in moving forward. 

Thank you so much for your wise words. Everything you have said makes sense and true. I definitely need time on my own to heal. X 

[Sky333]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Are you saying you didn't really want to break up with him? That you were hoping he would cry and beg and all that? And then you would back off?

I'm confused.

I’m also confused! Need time out now 

[DarrenB]

Toying with someone elses feelings to enhance your own is completely inconsiderate and I suggest you do not waste any more of this man's time. Although I'm sure you've had your reasons and there's no doubt you are regretful, it's happened and you've made the decision and now you must follow through.

If you want it to be put more into perspective, search up 'broken plate analogy' in Google.

 

[ajequals]

Here's my male prospective   Why did getting angry with him enter the relationship.?  I suspect it was because he didn't want to do what you want. he wasn't a simp. getting angry with him shows him you lost some respect for him.  I think you might now subconsciously see this. He wasn't a bad guy. he just set a boundary. you wonder why he hasn't reached out?  Men do not want ,need. , desire to get nagged at, especially for something trivial.. You never did go into why you called it quits ,what did he do?

[d0nnivain]

You have a break up version of Buyer's Remorse.  I have it every time I end a relationship.  It doesn't mean you should get back together.  It just means you are lonely.  

You know you had valid reasons for ending things.  You were feeling smothered.  You were bickering & fighting.  In short it wasn't working but there were good things about it.  He's not a horrible abusive jerk or anything.  Now that you have broken up & you are alone, you feel lonely & scared.  The holidays are coming up.  With Covid social options are limited.  It's not easy to fill the void left by his departure so you're thinking, ahh, I could take him back; at least somebody would be here.  But that is no reason to get back together.  

Suck it up.  Find ways to keep busy.  You will get over him.  

Now may be a good time for some self reflection.  Figure out who you are as a single independent adult.  You went from wife to GF with little time to digest the end of your marriage.  The BF was a rebound of sorts in that you never had to stand on your own two feet, not as part of a couple.  Ruminate on this stuff.  Next spring if you feel more healed, settled & at peace, then you can revisit dating a different person.  

[Sky333]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You have a break up version of Buyer's Remorse.  I have it every time I end a relationship.  It doesn't mean you should get back together.  It just means you are lonely.  

You know you had valid reasons for ending things.  You were feeling smothered.  You were bickering & fighting.  In short it wasn't working but there were good things about it.  He's not a horrible abusive jerk or anything.  Now that you have broken up & you are alone, you feel lonely & scared.  The holidays are coming up.  With Covid social options are limited.  It's not easy to fill the void left by his departure so you're thinking, ahh, I could take him back; at least somebody would be here.  But that is no reason to get back together.  

Suck it up.  Find ways to keep busy.  You will get over him.  

Now may be a good time for some self reflection.  Figure out who you are as a single independent adult.  You went from wife to GF with little time to digest the end of your marriage.  The BF was a rebound of sorts in that you never had to stand on your own two feet, not as part of a couple.  Ruminate on this stuff.  Next spring if you feel more healed, settled & at peace, then you can revisit dating a different person.  

Thank you so much. I agree with everything you’ve said. It’s so nice to have someone else’s perspective on my situation that completely understands how I’m feeling. This actually makes feel like I’m not alone and that other people have felt the same emotions as me. X 

[Sky333]

3 hours ago, ajequals said:

Here's my male prospective   Why did getting angry with him enter the relationship.?  I suspect it was because he didn't want to do what you want. he wasn't a simp. getting angry with him shows him you lost some respect for him.  I think you might now subconsciously see this. He wasn't a bad guy. he just set a boundary. you wonder why he hasn't reached out?  Men do not want ,need. , desire to get nagged at, especially for something trivial.. You never did go into why you called it quits ,what did he do?

3 hours ago, ajequals said:

Here's my male prospective   Why did getting angry with him enter the relationship.?  I suspect it was because he didn't want to do what you want. he wasn't a simp. getting angry with him shows him you lost some respect for him.  I think you might now subconsciously see this. He wasn't a bad guy. he just set a boundary. you wonder why he hasn't reached out?  Men do not want ,need. , desire to get nagged at, especially for something trivial.. You never did go into why you called it quits ,what did he do?

I don’t remember saying I nagged him? He was very needy and had terrible mood swings so it became very tiring. I had to check up on him regularly in case he was feeling suicidal. In the end it got me down and our relationship was governed by his moods. So obviously at times I felt frustrated and helpless and maybe a better person wouldn’t have walked away but I have my own family to care of and I didn’t want to take it out on them. He was loving and caring and we did have fun times together but I felt drained. I also spent the first year paying for practically everything. Sex was unbelievable and I couldn’t carry on just for that. Writing this has actually made me realise maybe I don’t miss him I just miss being in a relationship. So in fact thank you so much for your comment xx 

[Sky333]

6 hours ago, DarrenB said:

Toying with someone elses feelings to enhance your own is completely inconsiderate and I suggest you do not waste any more of this man's time. Although I'm sure you've had your reasons and there's no doubt you are regretful, it's happened and you've made the decision and now you must follow through.

If you want it to be put more into perspective, search up 'broken plate analogy' in Google.

 

Great analogy 👏🏻

[Miss Spider]

Yes, I completely understand. And Donovan is absolutely right. It is like buyers remorse. You have to remember that there are a lot of logical fallacies working against you when you leave a relationship that makes the relationship seem better than it really was.
 

... with my first ex, he was very depressed. And he brought me down a lot. However, I kept feeling like I was actually doing the wrong thing by breaking up with him. Every time I went back (like five times easily in total) I very shortly remembered why I had left. I was just pining for the him I had idealized. Not who he really was. And not the way the relationship really was. So, don’t make the mistake that I did and go back. You will most likely regret it 

[Sky333]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yes, I completely understand. And Donovan is absolutely right. It is like buyers remorse. You have to remember that there are a lot of logical fallacies working against you when you leave a relationship that makes the relationship seem better than it really was.
 

... with my first ex, he was very depressed. And he brought me down a lot. However, I kept feeling like I was actually doing the wrong thing by breaking up with him. Every time I went back (like five times easily in total) I very shortly remembered why I had left. I was just pining for the him I had idealized. Not who he really was. And not the way the relationship really was. So, don’t make the mistake that I did and go back. You will most likely regret it 

Definitely not. I must follow my gut and not my heart. Thank you 💕

[Wiseman2]

You did the right thing. It was too much, too soon and you cut your losses. 

Now you are free and clear to pursue someone compatible. Not just whatever warm body is handy in the aftermath of divorce.

Some post-divorce relationships are more like training wheels for being single and dating again.🚲

[Sky333]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You did the right thing. It was too much, too soon and you cut your losses. 

Now you are free and clear to pursue someone compatible. Not just whatever warm body is handy in the aftermath of divorce.

Some post-divorce relationships are more like training wheels for being single and dating again.🚲

I totally agree, thank you x 

[Atlantico]

Perhaps you haven´t been tailored for long term relationships, one way or another. Check this out in your next relationship.

[gamon]

On 11/13/2020 at 8:19 PM, Sky333 said:

 I can’t imagine he’d give up on me so easily. 
 

Some guys have this weird personality characteristic, it's known as "pride". No matter how he felt about you, a proud and secure man would take the breakup in stride and walk away and never look back. As compared to a weak and clingy person who might beg or plead for another chance.

He sounds like a quality guy who did exactly as you asked. 

 

 

[Caauug]

On 11/14/2020 at 8:49 AM, Sky333 said:

Anyone else broken up with a bf and felt like it was a massive mistake.

And....

On 11/14/2020 at 9:19 AM, Sky333 said:

I’ve had no indication that he wants me back...   ….I can’t imagine he’d give up on me so easily. I’ve never felt more heartbroken in my life. 

I know it can be really difficult for some people to understand, but you dumped him!!! You were the one that ended the relationship, you were the one that expressed your feelings that told him he is no longer worthy of your attention. You rejected him. 

And he gave up easily??? Why would he want to come back for more rejection??? Maybe because it is such a "Feel Good" emotion to be told you are worthless by your GF??? WTF!!! 

8 hours ago, gamon said:

Some guys have this weird personality characteristic, it's known as "pride". No matter how he felt about you, a proud and secure man would take the breakup in stride and walk away and never look back. As compared to a weak and clingy person who might beg or plead for another chance.

Pride? yes maybe....

The realization you are no longer wanted.... Your turn is now over. Why flog a dead horse? Sky333 rejected him and ended it... No point sticking around for round #2 as he lost in round #1....

It's always easier being the dumper as you are the one handing out the rejection.... Some people after having a dish of bitter tasting rejection will do what ever it takes to always be the dumper.... They call it quits at the first sign of clouds in a relationship.

 

[lovesflame]

If you regret it at least call and tell him and see what he says. Giving it another chance is not some terrible thing to do. Happens all the time. See what he says. Communicate about what you need and what he needs. see if it's worth another shot

[poppyfields]

There are women who when they become bored or feel their boyfriend has become complacent, will suddenly end things to stir up drama and reignite passion.  Then, when their now-ex doesn't respond the way they expected (begging, pleading, LOTS of drama and passion), they second guess their decision.

OP, you said you acted like a married couple.  The way you posted that would suggest you were bored, among the other things you mentioned   Ask yourself if the reason why you ended it was to stir the pot, bring some passion and drama back in.   Reignite what you had in the beginning when you first met.  Wake things up!   When that didn't happen, now you regret and second guess your decision.

I am not accusing you, just asking.  This is not love.

 

Edited January 6, 2021 by poppyfields