Emotional nightmare.

[Numb_to_it]

I need help.

 

I was always in a relationship or just not willing to put effort into him. I’m 29 and he’s 37. No kids never married. I did my research tho and I looked at his page and found him attractive. I noticed he was also missing a leg. I thought he might’ve been in the military or something. It didn’t bother me at all tho. For me it was something about him I can learn to love more. He shared his story with me. He had an accident at work due to not following dress code. But there was a lawsuit involved and he won. He’s permanently disabled. And that’s okay to me. 

He lived on the other side of the country. So one morning we started talking and one day to another we FaceTimed everyday. He spoke with my daughter through FaceTime (age 4 at the time). He would virtually help with homework and spelling. It was great seeing them interact. It was warm. 

His attitude was hood rich. He was born in familiar areas. North east. So we could roast each other in the most loving way and just know it was all love. No malice. My daughter and I went to visit. 3 months in. It was great seeing him in person. She loved him too and I could feel their bond was so pure and genuine. I noticed his car when i got in and he didn’t clean up. There was mail at my feet and in the back. When we got in his house, it didn’t smell like a home of someone to impress. There was clothes everywhere, it smelled like dog. I didn’t expect it. But knowing his situation i made efforts to help. I did laundry while i was there and organized his clothes. Dusted off his dresser. He rolled up some weed the night i got there. I didn’t have any. He just kept rolling and smoking. And i was so disappointed to see that he was addicted to weed. We drank too. Henny. For breakfast and lunch and dinner. We always went out to eat or ordered food. He never cooked for us. At the time i didn’t think much about that. He’s a bachelor i expected that part. We had sex while I was there and it was interesting. I don’t think either one of us felt it was the most amazing thing but we loved each other. For me, that was enough. Toys can be bought and we could figure something out in that department need be. My need was to have someone I felt free with. That I can be myself and raise a daughter with. While i was there i checked his phone. I have trust issues forgive me. But i wanted to see how serious he was about us. I found he was talking to several women inappropriately. I confronted him about it he said it was just “talk” to get them to send pics or whatever. I was firm with my position in his life and told him how i felt about it. He said it wouldn’t happen again and that he was sorry. 

Days flew, and we went back home. He came to us two weeks later. I had gotten him a bath bench and a wheelchair and some crunches. I wanted him to feel at home. And he has been with us since then. Left all his belongings. Cars, house, clothes etc. I love how this all sounds and my heart at this time believed he came for us. The month before he came down his mom had a stroke. She lives here also. So as soon as he came I took him 300 miles East to see her. For him. I knew this was a tough moment for him. I loved that I can do that for him. Time went on and he just stayed. He had planned on returning to ship his things and we were going to start a family and settle down. But he never went, his plans didn’t match his actions. We went to his families house for the holidays and his moms bday party was a huge event. I met everyone. His brother sister, aunts, gma, everyone. Super religious family which I respected very much. New Years Eve came and I felt something was up. So I checked his phone again. And he deliberately asked several women for pictures. So I confronted him again and told him to pack his things that he needed to go. I was crying and yelling so was he. It was very difficult. You have to remember that he was a fantastic coparent. He taught my daughter how to spell words that 3rd graders can’t. Vowel sounds and things that I felt I could never do. I’m not a teacher. But he had that gift. But he was also disrespecting me. So here I was with this situation. I was faced with a choice. 

He apologized and we moved forward. He allowed me to have access to his phone at all times to comfort me. I was never comfortable. It was tainted, but I loved him.  And I loved him for my daughter. Just writing this alone I feel stupid. I should’ve kicked him out this very night but my hope for people is endless. We both started gaining a few pounds. I drank to cover up my sorrow. He just drank. We never really spoke about his darkness. But I knew he was there some days. He would spend most of his time playing video games. He would cook for us sometimes. I loved that. It’s different coming home from work and having dinner made. 

His finances was something I never asked him about either. I never wanted him to feel as though I was here for the money. That doesn’t matter to me. All that matters to me is taking care of my responsibilities and love. I thought I covered both bases. He wouldn’t ever ask to take me to work so he can stay with the car and get things done or volunteer to pick my daughter up from prek, he would just stay home. After a while he couldn’t fit into his leg. 

My lease came to an end and we needed to move. We saw a couple of places. He insisted on us having our own private pool so that he can do exercise and have that privacy. Which I understood completely. I imagine after a while it gets frustrating to have people stare at you or kids ask questions. So he left it up to me to choose. I found a place and signed the lease. When we went to see it together he didn’t like it. And made me feel terrible about picking it. His wheelchair didn’t fit through certain places and ultimately he has to scrape walls and doors here. I’ve never been with a handicapped person before. I didn’t even think of the chair. I was so proud of getting the pool. Just like he wanted. 

2 months in to this place and I lost my job. That day they called me in the office i cried so much just thinking how much of a failure i was. I was going to have to work really hard to find a job paying that salary. I was scared of failing my family. When I got home my daughter came running to me and i hugged her so tight and cried. He came out and i told him. He told me to stop crying and that things would work out. When he said it, i believed him. Covid happened. Quarantine happened. We were good financially for a while. I don’t have much bad habits, spending wise. I’ll spend more money then I should on food because I want to eat good. Not really anything solely for me tho. He was a big time pot smoker. We have spent more than 3.5k on weed, i smoked sometimes and we drank a lot. Especially during these times. It began getting really dark tho. And I can see that he was losing that love and respect for me. I expected too much of him. I nag a lot. I recorded him one day in the pool. He was overly drunk and was talking really bad in front of my daughter. Saying things like “ my mom was a hoe” and stupid things like that. Sometimes his humor even when he’s not intoxicated is very obnoxious and immature. But hey. I just roll my eyes and keep it moving. He’s told me a lot of cruel things. Stupid, idiot, ********, told me i should just kill myself. 

I showed him the video and he felt embarrassed and told me he would never drink to that extent again. I believed him. 

I was unemployed and I felt powerless. But we were able to move comfortably. He bought his weed I bought beers and wine and food and our bills were paid. But so much time together took a big toll on us. I started seeing the laziness with responsibilities around the house. I found myself picking up, cleaning, laundry, cooking non stop. I don’t know if anyone has ever done those things Day in and out while a grown person who is able to help doesn’t. And with all respect, I know the man has one leg so I did the garbage, and the organizing of groceries. I did it and never made him feel less than. Just help out in the ways you can. 

He still didn’t fit into his leg. He expressed to me that he was depressed due to his gmas passing and his weight so I invested in a work out machine that he could’ve used. He never used it. I sold it. I started cooking cleaner meals but I would find him at night eating things he wasn’t supposed to. Or he would ask me to cook him things he knows he shouldn’t have. I was the bad guy if i did or didn’t make it and he would make sure to express that to me. You can’t help a person unless they want to help themselves. I felt all my efforts were a waste. He didn’t do anything out his comfort. Not even SWIM everyday! This damn rent is way too high for him not to use that pool everyday like he insisted on. He still hasn’t lost weight because I believe he doesn’t have the motivation to do so. I’m not enough nor my daughter. We had good days tho. He taught we my daughter how to swim and ride her bike. All while having one leg. He’s amazing when it comes to her. But darkly, I think he does it for him. The reason I say that is because he also does not care if she’s in the same room as us when we argue. I tell him to stop because she is here and he doesn’t. He tells me that I don’t respect him. He tells me that he is a king and that he does so much for me and my daughter that I should just shut up because I’m stupid and I’m not a good decision maker. He throws it in my face a lot that I have made so many bad decisions in my life. He also mentions quite often that he’s not my daughters father and that he doesn’t have to do what he does for her. 

 

Recently we were involved in a car accident. We went to visit his mom and on our way back I hydroplaned and totaled the car. All of us are fine but it was a scary time. In all, it was a blessing in disguise. I owed a lot on the vehicle and since my insurance paid it off I was in the clear. Circling back to my poor decision making which was thrown in my face constantly about this car and how it wasn’t worth what I was paying I was happy to be out of that mess. I was okay for the time being to just order groceries through walmart or Amazon. We were to the point where our savings were depleting. I honestly didn’t want to get into another car for a while. Literally and financially. He thought that asking his mom to lend us the money to get a car without interest was something great for us to do. And don’t get me wrong, that’s okay. But my whole thing was that I was not considered into making the final decision. Or decision at all for that matter. I was just placed with a bill. Yea I can get a car now, but this isn’t the way I wanted to do it. I’m not okay with owing people money. I don’t sleep well that way. But I was forced into this because you know, he’s the king. So here I am today, owner of a car I don’t even want or desire to have and I have to pay for it with my small funds. 

I honestly don’t remember the reasoning behind the first time he put his hands on me. I remember that there were times he banged his phone on my knee or hand for stupid things but he strangled me this time. Luckily my daughter wasn’t there but I heard her voice and found super strength to push him off me. The amount of love I had left for him at this point was so minimal. I became numb to daily arguments about me not respecting him. Recently he drank too much, and we got into an argument about me not feeding him while we were at another persons house. He really choked me when we got home. I had enough and asked him to get out of the room because I wanted to lay in my bed. He refused so I slammed a fan on him multiple times. I wanted to hurt him bad. Nothing ended well that day. No day really ends well, I just keep it pushing for my daughter. And you know writing this really opened my eyes. All the signs are always there. I feel so bad for my daughter. I need help in making peace with this. I need someone to tell me this isn’t worth having hope for. 

[basil67]

I'm glad you got all of this out.  It can be quite cathartic and good for your recovery.

First things first: have you dumped this loser from your life yet?

[Wiseman2]

Where is your daughters father? Does he pay child support and have visitation?

Try to focus on sobriety and being the best parent you can. Do you have family who could help you with the sobriety and taking better care of yourself and your child?

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, Numb_to_it said:

All the signs are always there. I feel so bad for my daughter. I need help in making peace with this. I need someone to tell me this isn’t worth having hope for. 

What do you need help with, Numb_to_it? Finding the courage to end things? Legal advice?

If it's the former, you are right. You need to end the relationship now. For your daughter's sake and for your sake. Let him go. He was able to take care of himself  before, and with his family's help he can do so again. He has taken advantage of you from the very beginning. He has neglected to look after his own physical and mental health. It's not somebody else's job to do that for him. The most anyone else can do is support/encourage him. The bulk of the effort has to come from him. He's in a bad place and I think he needs professional help (I mean counselling, rehab, and occupational and physical therapy). You can't give that to him.

Your primary responsibility on this earth is that little girl. She needs a mother who is healthy and happy and able to focus her energy and resources on her. 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Acacia98

[Ellener]

7 hours ago, Numb_to_it said:

he strangled me this time. Luckily my daughter wasn’t there

That was the point I asked my ex-husband to leave many years ago. It can be done. Since this man is more dangerous and you're afraid for your safety it may be best for you to find support and just move away with your daughter. In my state if the police get involved with any complaint of domestic violence social services become involved.

Get sober.

7 hours ago, Numb_to_it said:

I need someone to tell me this isn’t worth having hope for. 

Really?

Stop feeling responsible for him, you're not responsible for anyone except your child and yourself. If you think things can't get worse they can and they will, draw a line under this before they do.

7 hours ago, Numb_to_it said:

You have to remember that he was a fantastic coparent. He taught my daughter how to spell words that 3rd graders can’t.

He'll teach her a lot more than that and so will you if you don't get a grip.

He is not a fantastic coparent and you are neglecting your child.

It's harsh to have invested so much into something that can't work out but at what point will you decide enough is enough?

 

[Datergirl]

You already know what you want to do otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for help.

You're 29. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living like this? 

Leave now. Pack a bag for you and your daughter and go. 

[trident_2020]

Run away from him, no way he's going to be able to catch up.

 

[kendahke]

I'm creeped out by how much attention he's putting on a 4 yr old child that's not his.