Strong attraction to depressed, broken men

[Miss Spider]

 

Can anyone relate to this? They are mostly drawn to sad men?

I’ve been noticing a pattern. 
All but two of my relationships have been with men with serious depression. The two that did not have it, I did not really like that much in retrospect. My first boyfriend was crazy depressed. Before we met, he was suicidal. He very slowly pulled me down the drain with him. he was so negative in every aspect. Pessimistic and dark af. I actually struggled with depression for myself a long time after that. It wasn’t  only because of him, but it certainly contributed. 
 

 There is a guy who I started talking on online dating. I felt a weird connection to him. I dropped all these other guys who were these positive Pollyannas. Now I am starting to realize that, lo and behold, he is really depressed too.  Tonight, he told me that I “might see some of it, eventually“. I don’t know if I want to. Sure, at first broody boy seems sexy and deep. Slowly but surely, they latch onto you and suck all of the emotional life force out of you leaving you a hollow shell of a person. I volunteered for a crisis line for a very very long time. I don’t mind it once in awhile, but it’s different in a relationship.

another example was this guy I did not even really notice until I found out he was depressed. And then I started to feel a strange magnetic attraction to him. Like I am Captain save a dude. It is just crazy. 

It’s like I can only really bond with men that are like this and can’t really get into guys who aren’t. While I wouldn’t call him happy go lucky, my dad is a very levelheaded, practical man who has been content in life.  Yes, I have struggled with depression myself. But I don’t deal with that anymore. 
 

Anyone else struggle with this? 

 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

Forget about them. Figure out what mood issues you have that makes you resonate with that type of negativity.

[Fletch Lives]

It's called pity love.

You have to find somebody you are attracted to who is sane and has a good attitude.

[SumGuy]

10 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

Can anyone relate to this? They are mostly drawn to sad men?

....

Anyone else struggle with this? 

 

That's not my Achilles heel or struggle.  Have you had a situation where they started off sad and you were attracted and then they got happy and you were no longer attracted?

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with having sympathy and liking to rescue, but it does put you at increased risk of unreasonably sacrificing your life and being drained of emotional energy.

If me, I'd think about if it is so much the depression that you are attracted to or some of the outward aspects, like highly introverted, broody, introspective, etc.  There are men with those outward aspects without the depression and constant negativity.   

I have a feeling when you say Pollyanna, the bar is very low.

[Ellener]

@Shortskirtslonglashes

There's nothing wrong with enjoying helping people, but it's an unhealthy power imbalance in relationships. Channel that side of you to volunteer work or a more fulfilling career?

7 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I'd think about if it is so much the depression that you are attracted to or some of the outward aspects, like highly introverted, broody, introspective, etc.  There are men with those outward aspects without the depression and constant negativity.   

Yes, I wonder that too. It's become almost a cultural cliche.

[d0nnivain]

Good job figuring out the pattern is there.  Now you have to break it.  Being nurturing is lovely but find a healthier outlet for it.  Volunteer at a food bank or animal rescue.  Rehab old houses or distressed furniture.  Change your career to become a medical professional but stop trying to "fix" the men you date.   It's not your responsibility to cure someone else's depression & you are probably not qualified to do so.  

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

@Shortskirtslonglashes

There's nothing wrong with enjoying helping people, but it's an unhealthy power imbalance in relationships. Channel that side of you to volunteer work or a more fulfilling career?

Yes, I wonder that too. It's become almost a cultural cliche.

An alternative, find a guy who one likes except he doesn't seem depressed then let him know you find him sharing all his sadness and struggles attractive, yours is a shoulder he can cry on  

Not trying to be cute but the thing a lot of men complain about is how many women judge them as weak for just being human, having any introspection or doubt even 1% of the time.  Can't say how many times have had men share these things with me and other guy friends that they felt could never share with their girlfriends or wives.

Or another way of saying it, a lot of those positive guys may well have a sad side one can rescue or emotional demons one can help him with, they just keep it in check especially when first meeting someone.  I suspect EVERY divorced man does even if he doesn't dwell on it.   

[Ruby Slippers]

I relate to some extent. In my 20s, I was drawn not necessarily to depressed men, but to men who clearly had some issue and needed healing. I'm a natural healer and uplifter, sensitive but very strong, and I felt some sense of purpose in this. I enjoyed the attention and validation of being their guiding light.

Looking back, I see it was naive. And I see that I was so drawn to heal others because I needed healing myself. I agree it's not the best use of your healing energy. That will be better directed toward humanitarian efforts.

Now I'm only interested in men who have themselves together, are strong and self-sufficient, so we can mutually support and lift each other up.

[poppyfields]

13 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Sure, at first broody boy seems sexy and deep. 

Like I am Captain save a dude. 

Hey ss, two things stuck out^.

I can see the appeal with brooding, sexy, deep.  I tend to fall for these types too!

Why?  They're emotional.  And I like men who are emotional.  Deep thinkers, introspective.  Right up my alley.  

I dated a man a few years back, a doctor!  But I ended it because he was too cerebral for my liking.  I found him boring and unstimulating.  

And wrong or right I need to be stimulated, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  Mr. Broody, sexy, deep does the trick!  

My fiance is a bit brooding, moody, emotional, sensitive. So am I for that matter.  It's got its positives and negatives.  

Thing is, understand it but don't allow it to bring you down.   My fiance and I deal with it by allowing each other a lot of "space."  And he prefers to deal with his issues alone, and not drag me into, which I respect and appreciate.

We've come a long way in three years!  

Lol @ "Captain save a dude."   The expression is familiar to me.  Chatted with a guy years back from the UK, who described himself helping guys out on forums and manosphere as "Captain Save a Bro." 🤣

He was kinda broody and deep himself!  Brings me back.  

Anyway, you strike me as above-average intelligence, needing to feel emotionally/mentally challenged and stimulated.  Hence your attraction to these types?   

Possibly.  Just a thought. .  

 

 

Edited November 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

My fiance is a bit brooding, moody, emotional, sensitive.

Brooding, moody, emotional & sensitive are all fine. 

Depressed, unmotivated, cranky & disengaged are problems.  

Like most things there has to be balance. 

 

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Depressed, unmotivated, cranky & disengaged are problems.  

Very true!  Good point.  Just explaining the initial attraction.

My fiance is not what you describe above thank goodness!  Would not work for me at all!!

Edited November 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Thank you, all. I appreciate all the perspectives. Thanks to the people who said they can relate. 
 

Yes, I don’t know if I particularly like men that are ‘emotional’(at least in the way I interpret that), but I do like a lot of aspects that lend themselves to depression — the social isolation, the introspection, the pessimism, the depressive realism, but not much else. And I like it more at the beginning than I do at the end. I noticed I find it attractive and ‘deep’ at first, but I grow very tired of it very fast. The guy I am currently talking to and have a date with set up Monday evening has actually already unloaded some of emotional his baggage onto me. I’m already feeling apprehensive. However, it usually takes a much more time for that revelation to present itself. In the case of my first ex-boyfriend, although the signs were clearly there, it did not bother until I was very deep in it(months and months). He did not really show his emotions very much. It was more of a quiet brooding, but still emotionally damaging

Edited November 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

The guy I am currently talking to and have a date with set up Monday evening has actually already unloaded some of emotional his baggage onto me. I’m already feeling apprehensive. 

As you should be.  Early dates are supposed to be fun & light, not substitutes for therapy.   The fact that he unloaded baggage on you before the first date sounds like a really good reason to cancel said date.  

[lana-banana]

I think this is a lot more common than you might think. In media and pop culture, we see it a lot with men who go after helpless damsel-in-distress types, but the reverse happens plenty too. People like "fixer-uppers" for many reasons---it helps them to feel important, they get the rush and ego boost of having "saved" someone, it makes their partner more dependent on them, it distracts from their own problems, you could pretty much go on forever. You need to do some self-reflection and figure out what it is that makes you feel fulfilled when you do this.

That being said, it's not healthy. While everyone has their own demons to deal with, you can't have a strong, reciprocal relationship with someone who is unable to emotionally care for themselves. It's not fair to the person who's hurting most; making them reliant on someone else (and then taking it away in the inevitable breakup) only hurts them more in the long run. 

[FMW]

Like attracts like.  That's certainly held true in my relationships.  I feel that I'm more emotionally healthy than I was a few years ago after my marriage ended, but still have issues to deal with.  The relationship I'm in is very symbolic of that.  He's a kind, caring and very decent guy.  But he comes with baggage.  All in all we are probably on fairly similar ground when it comes to emotional health although our "issues" present themselves in different ways.

If you take an honest look at yourself you'll probably find some kind of simpatico going on between you these guys even though it might not be readily apparent on the surface.  Some similar level of emotional bruising (for lack of a better word, damage seems a little strong), a comfort level.  In your case it just seems that you aren't comfortable finding that with just one person for very long, you feel the need to moved on.      

I think if it was just a need to "save a dude" (😀) you would be staying in these relationships instead of getting bored and feeling the need to move on when they clearly don't want you to go.  

[Miss Spider]

Thank you. 
 

Like I said, I have dealt with depression in the past that stemmed from bullying from female peers in grade school. I have since worked through it. I am pretty bubbly and have a pretty positive outlook on life now. I do have that page in my life, though, so what you’re saying  could be true.  Although I wonder if it is a matter of finding comfort in the familiarity, why I do not continue to find comfort in it/be attracted to it. Eventually I find it exhausting and like I can’t relate to the person at all... 

 

Thank you again 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Lotsgoingon]

You need to force yourself to pause and let the other person give to you. Not give in terms of sharing his problems. But give in a sense of creating joy for you.

Basically sounds like you might have grown up in a household where you were emotionally ignored or neglected. Emotional neglect can be very subtle and is not abuse and is not that you were not fed or clothed. I grew up in a household where I felt (and that's the key--this is not about objective truth) ... I felt that I had to achieve at a high level in order to get attention from my family. And then when I got attention or praise, something didn't feel right about it. I didn't really figure this out until I dated a woman who gave me all kinds of attention--and from a place of strength and humor and laughter.  

Any chance you had a mother or father or brother who was struggling a lot with life--and you learned to sorta compensate, to focus on their strengths and work hard to appreciate them. That's great--because yes, families should help struggling members. The problem is a kid gets used to compensating and working to feel proud about passive dad or depressed and distant mom or struggling brother--without any awareness of doing this. 

So, later you go out and you recreate that love pattern. Someone is actually under-functioning and you instinctively work hard to see the best in them. There's nothing wrong with seeing the best in people. But for dating, you want to also notice the downside of the person in front you and add up those two sides to decide whether the person is good for you. You might have to force yourself to be more critical of people. Look, you can still be compassionate, but compassion is not the basis of romance.  Romance needs to be based on joy, happiness, peace, security. 

I know people wit all kinds of disabilities and conditions and their spouse married them not out of compassion, but because these people had lots going on in their lives that made them a catch. Compassion is great. Appreciate for people who are depressed is great. Dating them is NOT smart or practical. 

Also, getting stuck with depressed people often is a sign that the rest of your life is not going on. It means you don't have friends and activities and fun and work ambitions that take high priority. So you push away your life and focus on this other person. Get into the rest of  your life!

You can break this pattern.  It'll take some practice. The question you can ask is "is this a high-functioning person?" 

 

 

[major_merrick]

IDK how it is for you, but I find that super-positive people annoy the hell out of me.  The more broody types understand me.  My husband has some dark moods, but he understands my pain and my past very well.  It makes him a more empathetic partner.  He's also one of the few who can tolerate me in my depressed/sour/b*tchy/aggressive phases.

The issue for you is going to be finding somebody who is empathetic and gets you, but can function.  You might also in some way feel drawn to people that you can "fix" or nurture.  Just make sure that the person you choose aren't overwhelmingly damaged.  Make sure your partner has a life, friends, and isn't focused on their pain.  It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It may be a birds of a feather type of thing. Since your moods are all over the place, someone like that may resonate with you more.

Problem is in the long run dealing with moody people is draining.

[Miss Spider]

Thanks for all the opinions.

I’m not sure their moods were all over the place. Pretty consistently down. 
 

————

I am now in the very difficult situation having to break a date with this guy. I feel bad about it. This sucks. 

[Miss Spider]

Haven’t really even started dating again and I am in a crappy situation of my own making yet again,

I resumed talking to this man that I started talking to earlier this year before I became exclusive with my now ex bf.

I have since learned that this man has emotional issues.

He also asked me yesterday: “Given your cynicism about online dating as a medium, do you think that if you started dating someone from online you would think less of them because you met online? “
 

I haven’t answered. I admit I haven’t been 100% transparent about my dating intent.. I know that is wrong, but the topic hasn’t come up. 
 

I would probably be more inclined to go on a couple dates if I didn’t now know he has some emotional issues. I can see this go south very quickly. So I need to nip it in the bud now. 
 

It’s just hard, because there is a part of me that likes him. And  I do feel bad about canceling on him. And also feel bad because I disappeared on him earlier this year as well. Oh well, gotta suck it up 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

I’m going to stop dating. Period. 
This is terrible. Why didn’t I listen to you guys. I don’t know why I keep doing this asinine bs. I know it doesn’t make me happy. Not worth some moments of amusement that could still be achieved doing so many other things besides dating. I just need to stop. Done. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I’m going to stop dating. Period. 
This is terrible. Why didn’t I listen to you guys. I don’t know why I keep doing this asinine bs. I know it doesn’t make me happy. Not worth some moments of amusement that could still be achieved doing so many other things besides dating. I just need to stop. Done. 

"Never say never" because you'll change your mind about it. 

I think you do need to do some therapy about why you attract emotionally unavailable guys and why you only want to date guys who are major renovation projects as far as how much "wrong" they have going for them in their lives.

So, change your statement to "postpone" dating until you can get a handle on your relationship triggers and learn the tools to recognize those triggers so that you can choose healthier guys to date.

[Lotsgoingon]

Taking a pause from dating can be really good as long as you work on yourself and build your life so you can improve your people-picking skills.

Oh and lose the guilt about turning down a date or even canceling a date. Dating has to be ruthlessly selfish--go out ONLY and ONLY because you strongly, fiercely WANT to go meet someone--not because you earlier expressed an openness to meeting them. We have the right to change our minds in dating and we should update our estimate of the person as we figure out our own feelings and as we learn more about them.

Lose that guilt about saying "no" or "not interested." Then you'll have energy to say "yes" when the right people come along!

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I’m going to stop dating. Period. 
This is terrible. Why didn’t I listen to you guys. I don’t know why I keep doing this asinine bs. I know it doesn’t make me happy. Not worth some moments of amusement that could still be achieved doing so many other things besides dating. I just need to stop. Done. 

Agree with WC, simply postpone.  And the reason why you didn't listen to us is because you needed to realize this on your own.   

I know you're against therapy and 100% respect that.  But I recall a few months back before you got engaged to your ex, you created a couple of threads discussing your anxiety, and how it resulted in you cancelling dates last minute, running out on dates, ghosting.  

Not judging you for it, when I was dating years ago, I did similar due to extreme anxiety (GAD).  I sought therapy and treatment and have it under control now for the most part. 

I manage symptoms on my own, no meds - yoga mostly.  I run occasionally and walk two miles a day, to and from work and eat healthy.  It all helps.  

To your attraction to emotionally damaged/unavailable men, I hope you do not take offense to this but another poster posted "like attracts like."  

You become attracted, then you reject for same reason!  It's anxiety and fear imo.

I can relate because after my long term ex and I broke up in late 2015, I was pretty emotionally damaged myself (putting it mildly) and attracted men who were same.  It makes sense.

Anyway, try to not beat yourself up too badly. You have a kind heart, and it's all a journey.  We make mistakes, we learn, grow, evolve. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by poppyfields