Strong attraction to depressed, broken men

[Cookiesandough]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Agree with WC, simply postpone.  And the reason why you didn't listen to us is because you needed to realize this on your own.   

I know you're against therapy and 100% respect that.  But I recall a few months back before you got engaged to your ex, you created a couple of threads discussing your anxiety, and how it resulted in you cancelling dates last minute, running out on dates, ghosting.  

Not judging you for it, when I was dating I did similar due to extreme anxiety (GAD).  I sought therapy and treatment and have it under control now for the most part.  I manage symptoms on my own, no meds - yoga mostly.  I walk two miles a day, to and from work and eat healthy.  It all helps.  

To your attraction to emotionally damaged/unavailable men, I hope you do not take offense to this but another poster posted "like attracts like."

I can relate because after my long term ex and I broke up in late 2015, I was pretty emotionally damaged and attracted men who were same.  It makes sense.

Anyway, try to not beat yourself up too badly. You have a kind heart, and it's all a journey.  We make mistakes, we learn, grow evolve. 

Thanks pop, watercolors, and lotsgoingon 

I am not disagreeing with anything you guys are saying. Except I don’t think I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I like men with emotion. Just not too much of it over too long of a period. But I will think about everything you guys have said. Thank you

So hey guys, I did a mature thing. I mustered the courage and here is what I wrote to him: 

 

“Hi. I have to be honest with you. I like you, but I just am not sure about dating at this time. I am sorry to do this to you again. I just do not want to waste anymore of your time. I am going through a complicated time in my life as far as figuring out what I want. It's not fair to date people until I work those kinks out. Maybe if you are still single down the road, though I'm not counting on it, we can link up again. If you're not interested, I understand that too. I wish you the best. 

 

 

i’m proud of what I wrote not only because I was able to find the courage to say it but because it is 100% honest how I feel as well.

 

He has sent me this in response: 

 

 I am too, but I still want to try. I guess I just don't fully understand what you mean. I appreciate you being honest with me, but it just feels like there's some piece of the puzzle I'm not seeing. I don't get that we set plans to go out twice and then don't go. I also assume it always has something to do with me not being good enough or saying something wrong, but maybe I should just take what you say at face value and I'll let you hit me up when you're ready. Is there something specific you're trying to figure out? “

This is why I block typically after I say my goodbye. I really don’t know how to answer this and I don’t really want to even if I did. It’s complicated enough when I try to figure it out by writing about it here x.x 

 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SumGuy]

Quote

Is there something specific you're trying to figure out

He short answer is "myself."    You can think him for his sweet reply, and his willingness to try, but these are the kinds of things you can only figure out by being by yourself.  The cliché it is not you it's me is sometimes true.   

I believe he is trying to see if it is something about him or something you are afraid to tell or ask him.

Silence also works, the last thing you likely want is this to be an ongoing conversation.

[poppyfields]

50 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Thanks pop, watercolors, and lotsgoingon 

I am not disagreeing with anything you guys are saying. Except I don’t think I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I like men with emotion. Just not too much of it over too long of a period. But I will think about everything you guys have said. Thank you

So hey guys, I did a mature thing. I mustered the courage and here is what I wrote to him: 

 

“Hi. I have to be honest with you. I like you, but I just am not sure about dating at this time. I am sorry to do this to you again. I just do not want to waste anymore of your time. I am going through a complicated time in my life as far as figuring out what I want. It's not fair to date people until I work those kinks out. Maybe if you are still single down the road, though I'm not counting on it, we can link up again. If you're not interested, I understand that too. I wish you the best. 

 

 

i’m proud of what I wrote not only because I was able to find the courage to say it but because it is 100% honest how I feel as well.

 

He has sent me this in response: 

 

 I am too, but I still want to try. I guess I just don't fully understand what you mean. I appreciate you being honest with me, but it just feels like there's some piece of the puzzle I'm not seeing. I don't get that we set plans to go out twice and then don't go. I also assume it always has something to do with me not being good enough or saying something wrong, but maybe I should just take what you say at face value and I'll let you hit me up when you're ready. Is there something specific you're trying to figure out? “

This is why I block typically after I say my goodbye. I really don’t know how to answer this and I don’t really want to even if I did. It’s complicated enough when I try to figure it out by writing about it here x.x 

ss, I think what you wrote was perfect and I 100% support you blocking after saying your piece.  

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/13/2020 at 9:59 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

While I wouldn’t call him happy go lucky, my dad is a very levelheaded, practical man who has been content in life.  Yes, I have struggled with depression myself. But I don’t deal with that anymore. 
 

Anyone else struggle with this? 

 

Good job in having the instinct to describe your father  here for us.

 

when you were younger, and perhaps bringing boys around...

 

what were the interactions like with your father, both dad with the boys, and dad with you, a-bout the boys?

 

 

[Weezy1973]

Could it be the female version of White Knight Syndrome? That is you don’t feel worthy of love just for being you, but if you can “fix” a guy from his depression, he might love you for that?

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully it's a passing trend that will lose its appeal.

[Lotsgoingon]

You don't owe this guy a tour of your inner psyche.  It's not his business really why you don't feel ready. You have the right to cancel on people. Canceling isn't rude, though it can be disappointing to the other person.

Not showing up (without canceling) is rude.

 

 

[FMW]

On 11/15/2020 at 12:35 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

He has sent me this in response:

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  I also assume it always has something to do with me not being good enough or saying something wrong,

I agree that you don't owe anyone a deep dive into your inner world, but just bailing/ghosting/blocking leaves the other person dealing with those kind of questions. 

Good for you for not just ghosting/blocking.  Take advantage of the insight he provided into how things can affect the other person.

[SushiX]

Yes, I can relate. I am that depressed, broken man. Be good to yourself and don't date such men unless you're some kind of masochist.

[LittleDove78]

On 11/13/2020 at 11:59 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

Can anyone relate to this? They are mostly drawn to sad men?

I’ve been noticing a pattern. 
All but two of my relationships have been with men with serious depression. The two that did not have it, I did not really like that much in retrospect. My first boyfriend was crazy depressed. Before we met, he was suicidal. He very slowly pulled me down the drain with him. he was so negative in every aspect. Pessimistic and dark af. I actually struggled with depression for myself a long time after that. It wasn’t  only because of him, but it certainly contributed. 
 

 There is a guy who I started talking on online dating. I felt a weird connection to him. I dropped all these other guys who were these positive Pollyannas. Now I am starting to realize that, lo and behold, he is really depressed too.  Tonight, he told me that I “might see some of it, eventually“. I don’t know if I want to. Sure, at first broody boy seems sexy and deep. Slowly but surely, they latch onto you and suck all of the emotional life force out of you leaving you a hollow shell of a person. I volunteered for a crisis line for a very very long time. I don’t mind it once in awhile, but it’s different in a relationship.

another example was this guy I did not even really notice until I found out he was depressed. And then I started to feel a strange magnetic attraction to him. Like I am Captain save a dude. It is just crazy. 

It’s like I can only really bond with men that are like this and can’t really get into guys who aren’t. While I wouldn’t call him happy go lucky, my dad is a very levelheaded, practical man who has been content in life.  Yes, I have struggled with depression myself. But I don’t deal with that anymore. 
 

Anyone else struggle with this? 

 

This sounds like I wrote it. I have always went for broken men that I think I can fix and guess what I can't. They drag me down in the process just like my marriage. I worry I will do it again even. I guess I have no self worth.

[Watercolors]

On 11/14/2020 at 2:01 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Thank you, all. I appreciate all the perspectives. Thanks to the people who said they can relate. 
 

Yes, I don’t know if I particularly like men that are ‘emotional’(at least in the way I interpret that), but I do like a lot of aspects that lend themselves to depression — the social isolation, the introspection, the pessimism, the depressive realism, but not much else. And I like it more at the beginning than I do at the end. I noticed I find it attractive and ‘deep’ at first, but I grow very tired of it very fast. The guy I am currently talking to and have a date with set up Monday evening has actually already unloaded some of emotional his baggage onto me. I’m already feeling apprehensive. However, it usually takes a much more time for that revelation to present itself. In the case of my first ex-boyfriend, although the signs were clearly there, it did not bother until I was very deep in it(months and months). He did not really show his emotions very much. It was more of a quiet brooding, but still emotionally damaging

I think you may suffer from fixer-upper syndrome. It's part of the codependency pattern to be attracted to men who are "projects" to be repaired. 

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, LittleDove78 said:

This sounds like I wrote it. I have always went for broken men that I think I can fix and guess what I can't. They drag me down in the process just like my marriage. I worry I will do it again even. I guess I have no self worth.

Women who were raised by parents who either emotionally neglected them develop codependent patterns with how they relate to others. Instead of receiving unconditional love and acceptance from their parents or the adults who raised them, if a little girl (or boy for that matter) is emotionally neglected or ignored during their developmental years, they learn to relate to others by anticipating others' needs. To the point where they don't develop an internal sense of self, b/c they are used to outward validation from others. I am a recovering codependent, so I know all about being attracted to toxic men. 

Once you learn how to validate yourself internally, you won't seek out men to fix up. It's an external projection - choosing men to take care of - of really you wanting to take care of yourself but not having the tools or knowing where to start. So, you take care of others, hoping that fulfills you. Just a guess though. 

[LittleDove78]

51 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Women who were raised by parents who either emotionally neglected them develop codependent patterns with how they relate to others. Instead of receiving unconditional love and acceptance from their parents or the adults who raised them, if a little girl (or boy for that matter) is emotionally neglected or ignored during their developmental years, they learn to relate to others by anticipating others' needs. To the point where they don't develop an internal sense of self, b/c they are used to outward validation from others. I am a recovering codependent, so I know all about being attracted to toxic men. 

Once you learn how to validate yourself internally, you won't seek out men to fix up. It's an external projection - choosing men to take care of - of really you wanting to take care of yourself but not having the tools or knowing where to start. So, you take care of others, hoping that fulfills you. Just a guess though. 

This could be true except for I have a good family and never went thru any of that.

But you do describe me. It's odd as I have been like it since a teen.

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, LittleDove78 said:

This could be true except for I have a good family and never went thru any of that.

But you do describe me. It's odd as I have been like it since a teen.

Well, maybe you were neglected emotionally in subtle ways by one or both of your parents. Something had to have interrupted your emotional development when you were little, or you wouldn't relate to men this way. You'd have a completely different perspective otherwise, and wouldn't choose to be with men who poison your life with their problems, that you make your own, because you want to take care of them. 

Once you can see the pattern for yourself and really have an epiphany about it, you'll learn to stop attracting the wrong men into your life. Easier said than done. You'll stop wanting to take care of other people, in the hopes that doing so gets you recognized or validated for being a good person. You'll suddenly stop needing to react and go into problem solver mode, once you recognize that those same people will be fine without your involvement. That, really, you're only responsible for yourself; not responsible for other people's well being or happiness. It's very freeing to reach that level of awareness. It's hard to disengage and learn to associate differently to people when you have codependent traits. 

I just wrote a post about my own codependence triggered. I'm aware of it. But it still gets triggered. But at least I can say "no, not interested" now. Whereas before, if a guy was a trainwreck, he was someone I'd date. I can't believe I wasted my 20s and 30s on losers the way I did. Never again. 

[Cookiesandough]

I might be a horrible to say it, but I don’t even know if I want them to be “fixed”

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I might be a horrible to say it, but I don’t even know if I want them to be “fixed”

It's easier to go slumming than to raise standards.

Hopefully it's just a phase.

[Cookiesandough]

 

It’s certainly not easier. 

 

I thought about this topic  and I thought maybe I might like the challenge of someone who is a little bit more” complex”  than the pollyannas and happy-go-luckies that are in abundance. It’s an oversimplification on my part.

 

I think with the other said about there being a comorbid elements attached to people who are this way. (Because it’s not as if I’m attracted to all people with depression. ‘Depression’ might actually have been the wrong to use in this case.)  But it is more the the pessimism, apathy with almost contradictory agonizing overthinking, mental fortitude(in my view of facing psychological pain and the challenge of “getting in” and understanding. 

 

I’m not saying that there is a shortage of these type of people(especially nowadays) and not saying I’m completely foreign to these things, but I am not quite there.... I haven’t really faced that( yet) So, these things seem exotic and mysterious, and at first this makes the person more interesting and attractive.  
 

A guy I am seeing right now is a lot like this. But like I said it is an oversimplification and not applicable in all cases. Perhaps it should just be a phase. But it brings to mind “desire is non-negotiable”. Maybe that change should have to come about through the punishment of  dating enough people like this until I find the right balance, changing/accepting my values in accordance. Because it certainly isn’t easy and actually the longer that I did these people and deeper I get in with him the more difficult it becomes.

Edited January 16, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Weezy1973]

When I was younger - in my 20s - I thought there was a certain romantic appeal to being morose and melancholic. I’d got to dive bars and drink a lot and complain about the state of the world. 
 

When I look back now I just see what a waste of time it all was. When you realize happiness comes from within, and that it’s a much better alternative, it changes everything. And it makes me a better partner.

[Watercolors]

6 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I might be a horrible to say it, but I don’t even know if I want them to be “fixed”

Is it horrible to say it aloud, due to fear of being judged by others who think it's not healthy? 

You like choosing men who are renovation projects, because, as I suggested earlier in my post, it's a way for you to externalize your own need to fix yourself which you haven't been able to do (either because you don't see anything wrong w/how you relate to the world or to men, or because you acknowledge there's some issues you have, but you haven't found the tools to correctly address or fix those issues within yourself) yet. 

To have to let go and let someone else take the steps to change their problems, is not something you are willing to allow. If you allowed other people -- esp. these men you date -- to fix themselves, then on some internal level, you feel useless, empty, without purpose. Am I close? 

I'd urge you to challenge this internal belief you have about how you relate to men who are trainwrecks, who you want to take on to fix. What would happen to you, if you simply refused to help them out of their situation with your own resources like a financial loan, or free rent w/living with you, or lending them your car and not charging them any money for gas, etc. Would you have a panic attack? Feel like you are without a purpose, spinning out of control, if you had no man to take care of in those ways? 

What would happen to you, if you simply stopped dating men who had all of these problems? And dated men who didn't have to be taken care of b/c they had their act together. 

 

[poppyfields]

On behalf of shortskirts, she stated in her last post this is not about wanting to "fix" broken men; it's more about her being "drawn" to broken men, emotional men, their complexities, and the challenges that go along with. I can relate. 

She has no desire to fix, she accepts this about them.   And I suppose is questioning why she finds men like this so appealing.  

It's about discovering her truth, perhaps fixing herself, if fixing is even the right word. 

Improving is a better word.  Lord knows, I've been working on improving myself for years, mostly since the demise of my 6 year LTR in late 2015.

Learning, growing, evolving. 

I could be wrong about cookies, just my sense. 

Apologies shortskirts for speaking about you in the 3rd person.

 

 

[LittleDove78]

7 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

It’s certainly not easier. 

 

I thought about this topic  and I thought maybe I might like the challenge of someone who is a little bit more” complex”  than the pollyannas and happy-go-luckies that are in abundance. It’s an oversimplification on my part.

 

I think with the other said about there being a comorbid elements attached to people who are this way. (Because it’s not as if I’m attracted to all people with depression. ‘Depression’ might actually have been the wrong to use in this case.)  But it is more the the pessimism, apathy with almost contradictory agonizing overthinking, mental fortitude(in my view of facing psychological pain and the challenge of “getting in” and understanding. 

 

I’m not saying that there is a shortage of these type of people(especially nowadays) and not saying I’m completely foreign to these things, but I am not quite there.... I haven’t really faced that( yet) So, these things seem exotic and mysterious, and at first this makes the person more interesting and attractive.  
 

A guy I am seeing right now is a lot like this. But like I said it is an oversimplification and not applicable in all cases. Perhaps it should just be a phase. But it brings to mind “desire is non-negotiable”. Maybe that change should have to come about through the punishment of  dating enough people like this until I find the right balance, changing/accepting my values in accordance. Because it certainly isn’t easy and actually the longer that I did these people and deeper I get in with him the more difficult it becomes.

I think if I can get these type of people to let me in, care about me that I have accomplished something I guess. I get where you are coming from. But I'm married to one of these types and we are about to divorce.

[chillii]

Well l dunno with you shortskirtsn , l love a deep and complex woman , put someone too predictable all neatly logical and standard in front of me l'm yawning in boredom . Most people here would be off the charts tryin to figure mine out with all their logic and analyzing , or me too for that matter. But she's a beautifully deep deep soul and that comes with stuff that only makes sense to the likes of me just like l do to her because of whom l am too.

Skimming through stuff you've said sounds to me more like it's as simple as the personality traits of people like that that attract you, as it is with me. Just don't go marrying a train wreck though.

Edited January 18, 2021 by chillii