Felt I made a mistake

[LeniA]

Felt I made a mistake,affair with a married man and is hurting me from the inside.Started last month,he flirted with me looking at me and I know his wife saw it.First time,his wife was mad at him.I was 10 feet away from him at the time.It was at a bar having a couple drinks with a couple friends of mine.Next time he was alone stating that was his girlfriend and fell for it.We did have sex a few times.Now it is worse,he lied and his wife is suspecting he is cheating on her.I am the other woman and want to be honest to her,telling her he had an affair with me cheating on her.I am no longer with him,told him no more a couple weeks ago.I want to meet her face to face and tell her this,a friend of mine works with her.How should I do it,I want it over with

[LynneVicious]

It sounds like you want to tell her because he hurt you. You didn’t seem to be concerned about her when you were sleeping with her husband. Now that you’re hurt, you want to tell her?

Think about what led you to sleep with a married man in the first place before you tell her anything, and make sure your reasons are not for revenge to hurt him back. 

[LeniA]

I am not for hurting him,she needs to know the truth

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, LeniA said:

How should I do it,I want it over with

If you're done having sex with him it's already over.  What good is it to tell her when you knew she got mad at him for flirting with you and then you have sex with him anyway.  How is she supposed to trust you of all people.  Just because a man looks at you and flirts is no reason to start having sex with him especially when you knew he had either a gf or wife.  For your friend's sake just move on as I'm sure you've embarrassed her as well as yourself and reflect on what made you make the decision to do this in the first place.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, LeniA said:

I am not for hurting him,she needs to know the truth

 

1 hour ago, LeniA said:

affair with a married man and is hurting me from the inside.

Sure sounds like you are butt hurt to me.  Don't try to get revenge on him because I can guarantee you aren't the first one he was able to sex and she knows it.  Just work on doing better.

[Amethyst68]

Why was it ok to have sex with him when you thought she was his girlfriend? The man was still in a relationship and you knew it....

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, LeniA said:

I am the other woman and want to be honest to her,telling her he had an affair with me cheating on her.

This tends to be a personal morals thing. I'm not going to advise you either way, but I'll note that IF that's what you really want to do, then for you it's probably the right choice. Just think it through first - for example, they may divorce over it. If there are kids, the kids may end up with divorced parents, etc. So your guilt now (assuming that's driving this) might not be as alleviated as you think later on, depending on how things work out.

These sorts of things are the risks he took when he had an affair and especially when he transparently lied to his OW on top of it, unfortunately.

Edit: Forgot to add: strongly suggest you talk to a lawyer first, IN CASE you live in a state that allows "alienation of affection" lawsuits. In those (few) states there is a risk you could be sued if they divorce. So whether that applies is probably something you want to be aware of first, as part of your decision making. GL. Many family attorneys in the US will give free 1/2 hour consults, so you could probably get this question answered that way.

Edited November 14, 2020 by mark clemson

[Voivoda]

What difference does it make if she was his girlfriend or his wife? I'm pretty sure, she knows what kind of person she is married to. It's seems that she is putting up with his crap for some reason, so telling here won't change anything. 

[LeniA]

32 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

This tends to be a personal morals thing. I'm not going to advise you either way, but I'll note that IF that's what you really want to do, then for you it's probably the right choice. Just think it through first - for example, they may divorce over it. If there are kids, the kids may end up with divorced parents, etc. So your guilt now (assuming that's driving this) might not be as alleviated as you think later on, depending on how things work out.

These sorts of things are the risks he took when he had an affair and especially when he transparently lied to his OW on top of it, unfortunately.

Edit: Forgot to add: strongly suggest you talk to a lawyer first, IN CASE you live in a state that allows "alienation of affection" lawsuits. In those (few) states there is a risk you could be sued if they divorce. So whether that applies is probably something you want to be aware of first, as part of your decision making. GL. Many family attorneys in the US will give free 1/2 hour consults, so you could probably get this question answered that way.

My future step dad will help out on this on the alienation of affection lawsuits if it happens.Found out he has done this before twice,she has taken him back

[basil67]

6 hours ago, LeniA said:

a friend of mine works with her.

Are you OK with the likely fallout of making your friend's working life intolerable?    Or alternately, losing your friend?

If you tell the wife, then she'll likely make her unfavourable opinion of you clear to your friend.  If your friend defends you, then she's set for having the office turn against her.   If your friend agrees with the wife's opinion of you, then you'll lose a friend.    You'd be putting your friend in a no win situation just so that you can get some form of revenge.

 

[LeniA]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Are you OK with the likely fallout of making your friend's working life intolerable?    Or alternately, losing your friend?

If you tell the wife, then she'll likely make her unfavourable opinion of you clear to your friend.  If your friend defends you, then she's set for having the office turn against her.   If your friend agrees with the wife's opinion of you, then you'll lose a friend.    You'd be putting your friend in a no win situation just so that you can get some form of revenge.

 

I have talked this friend of mine,will not lose a friendship with her.Found out this woman does not get mad if I told the truth to her from this friend of mine

[Cookiesandough]

7 hours ago, LeniA said:

Felt I made a mistake,affair with a married man and is hurting me from the inside.Started last month,he flirted with me looking at me and I know his wife saw it.First time,his wife was mad at him.I was 10 feet away from him at the time.It was at a bar having a couple drinks with a couple friends of mine.Next time he was alone stating that was his girlfriend and fell for it.We did have sex a few times.Now it is worse,he lied and his wife is suspecting he is cheating on her.I am the other woman and want to be honest to her,telling her he had an affair with me cheating on her.I am no longer with him,told him no more a couple weeks ago.I want to meet her face to face and tell her this,a friend of mine works with her.How should I do it,I want it over with

First of all, I am very sorry that you’re in this position. I really feel for you. People  make mistakes and some things can only be taught the ‘hard way’. 
This situation is tricky because it doesn’t seem to be a clear cut right or wrong. I would look at your own motivations. If your motivation is primarily to kamikaze their relationship out of spite and jealousy, I will say that I do not think this will end well for you. From what I have seen, the trend seems to be that you will be looked at as the evil OW/temptress and she will probably stay with her husband and work it out with him.  Even if she doesn’t, it is very rare for the husband to then go back and ultimately settle with the woman that destroyed his marriage. On the other hand, if your motivation is the understanding it’s  possible that she wants to know that her husband is sleeping with others, she just doesn’t have any concrete proof to substantiate her suspicions, it might be more understandable. Keep in mind you won’t be looked at favorably in this situation either. However, you will gain satisfaction from the feeling that you did right thing

Edited November 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ExpatInItaly]

22 hours ago, LeniA said:

I am not for hurting him,she needs to know the truth

She didn't need to know the truth before?

 

[stillafool]

On 11/14/2020 at 11:06 AM, LeniA said:

I am not for hurting him,she needs to know the truth

 

19 hours ago, LeniA said:

.Found out this woman does not get mad if I told the truth to her from this friend of mine

 

22 hours ago, LeniA said:

Found out he has done this before twice,she has taken him back

There's no need for you to tell her because as you have repeated above she already knows he cheats and does not care.  What is your purpose for telling her?  Is it because he has moved on from you to a better OW?

[LeoLady888]

Lenia,

You said

Quote

I am the other woman and want to be honest to her,telling her he had an affair with me cheating on her.I am no longer with him,told him no more a couple weeks ago.I want to meet her face to face and tell her this,a friend of mine works with her.How should I do it,I want it over with

Please wake up and smell the coffee.

It's already over.

If you really were 'honest'  you wouldn't have got into this in the first place.

Have some self respect, admit to yourself you made a mistake and move on. 

Telling his wife will only open a whole can of worms that will serve no purpose.

Get yourself a single guy and lose the drama.

[gamon]

I get that you acted impulsively by screwing around with a guy who lied to you and you feel badly for his girlfriend and you want to make it right.

My vote is to tell her.

Maybe going forward you'll sleep better at night and you won't sleep with guys who are taken.

 

 

[basil67]

She may well be vengeful towards you.  Do you have children who could be affected by anything that she could do?  

[Milly May June]

My vote is to tell his wife. Even if she knows her H is a cheat, she needs to make the decision on what to do based on the new information. 

There is no need to do it face to face. Write her an email and simply list the facts and proof if you have any. Appologize and let her know that she can contact you if she has questions. If things get out of hand simply block her. Dont drag your friend into this. 

[Starswillshine]

22 hours ago, Milly May June said:

My vote is to tell his wife. Even if she knows her H is a cheat, she needs to make the decision on what to do based on the new information. 

There is no need to do it face to face. Write her an email and simply list the facts and proof if you have any. Appologize and let her know that she can contact you if she has questions. If things get out of hand simply block her. Dont drag your friend into this. 

Agreed. It is possible that she took him back before after he promised he would change, etc. But this new information may be the wake up call she needs to realize he will never change. 

I tried to save my marriage after I found out about my xWH's affair. Ultimately, I could not. You and your friend do not know exactly what is in her mind or what happens behind those closed doors. So give her the information to make informed decisions.