For women, does attraction come later?

[QuietRiot]

I caught up with this woman that had been divorced from her husband of 25 years. About a year later I caught up with her and turns out she's engaged to a man she's known (and worked with) for 13 years.   

I pondered to guess that there as an attraction, but...She said there was never an attraction from her end, but...there had always been an attraction from his side. She said if you had asked me back then, she would have said "No way!"

But, with her, the attraction came later.

I think this is why SOME men tend to TRY  to turn a woman around that put them in the friend zone (sorry, had to use the FZ word as it does come close to this situation, lol). They hear stories like this, and they figure, "Will this happen with me?" or "Man, this never happens to me?" Because all the women friends they've ever encountered, once it was determined there was no attraction (on her part), that's that. You're on lock.

 

[d0nnivain]

It depends on the woman. 

If I meet a guy & I don't immediately think he's hot, that impression is unlikely to change.  I learned a long time ago not to date nice guys who don't float my boat because it just ends up being awkward when I can't bring myself to kiss them.  So unless there were dramatic changes in the man's appearance, it doesn't work that way for me.  

I suppose if I was single again & ran into a man from my past, even if I hadn't previously thought of him as a romantic partner probably because we had never previously been single at the same time, I could pursue that but it would have to be with a man that I had always found handsome.   You need both -- attractive and available.  

Other women need to get to know somebody first before they develop romantic feelings.  The guy has to earn their trust before they can open their hearts.   I suspect many women who misuse the phrase "friends first" are really looking to go slow, to get to know somebody & to gradually fall in love.  

I prefer that dizzying swept off your feet feeling.  

[QuietRiot]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It depends on the woman. 

If I meet a guy & I don't immediately think he's hot, that impression is unlikely to change.  I learned a long time ago not to date nice guys who don't float my boat because it just ends up being awkward when I can't bring myself to kiss them.  So unless there were dramatic changes in the man's appearance, it doesn't work that way for me.  

I suppose if I was single again & ran into a man from my past, even if I hadn't previously thought of him as a romantic partner probably because we had never previously been single at the same time, I could pursue that but it would have to be with a man that I had always found handsome.   You need both -- attractive and available.  

Other women need to get to know somebody first before they develop romantic feelings.  The guy has to earn their trust before they can open their hearts.   I suspect many women who misuse the phrase "friends first" are really looking to go slow, to get to know somebody & to gradually fall in love.  

I prefer that dizzying swept off your feet feeling.  

Not sure I follow the bolded. You learned to not to date nice guys, or just guys (no matter how nice, or not nice) that don't float your boat. The latter makes more sense.  lol  Or are you REALLY saying, "Nice guys don't float my boat".

Yeah, I guess it does depend on the woman, that's why I avoid profiles where they state, "Must be an immediate spark!" Because that whole honeymoon phase dies off after a few months. Sparks tend to fizzle. I prefer to just start off "meh, she/he's cool" and after a time of hanging out together, familiarity helps it along. I mean, she worked with the guy. 

[Cookiesandough]

“It depends” 

 

For me, I generally know within the first date if there’s a possibility. That doesn’t mean certainty, but possibility. When I slot a man in the friend zone, that usually means there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that I could be attracted to him, but I enjoy his company. 

Edited November 14, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

1 hour ago, QuietRiot said:

Not sure I follow the bolded. You learned to not to date nice guys, or just guys (no matter how nice, or not nice) that don't float your boat. The latter makes more sense.  lol  Or are you REALLY saying, "Nice guys don't float my boat".

I don't have any trouble following it.  I suspect your preconceived ideas are muddying very clear waters.

My interpretation is "I meet a guy and despite there being absolutely nothing wrong with his personality, there is no physical attraction.  I go on a couple of dates in case a spark happens but sadly, it never does"

[Shining One]

8 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

I pondered to guess that there as an attraction, but...She said there was never an attraction from her end, but...there had always been an attraction from his side. She said if you had asked me back then, she would have said "No way!"

My guess is that the attraction was there, she just never gave it a thought or considered acting upon it.

About 16 years ago, I became friends with a female coworker who was married. I'm sure if you asked her back then, she would have said there was no attraction to me. Fast forward six years; She's divorced and riding me on her couch after I helped her move into her new place.

[d0nnivain]

8 hours ago, QuietRiot said:

You learned to not to date nice guys, or just guys (no matter how nice, or not nice) that don't float your boat. The latter makes more sense.  lol  Or are you REALLY saying, "Nice guys don't float my boat".

I am some what of an anomaly.   I'm an attractive smart accomplished woman but I'm not a super model, Mensa member or house hold name.  Still I have always had high standards around the men I dated & my husband  met them.  He's drop dead gorgeous, moral, ethical, funny & just an amazing husband. 

What I meant by the part you didn't understand is that if upon meeting a man no matter how sweet, kind, gentle, intelligent, solid he is, if he didn't make me want to immediately jump his bones I stopped accepting dates with guys like that because all the goodness in the world wasn't sexy in my mind.  I could meet a sexy guy & immediately get turned off because he was slime, or he could reveal himself as slime over time but I never had the experience of my sexual desire for a man to develop over time.  That said I was always able to pick Good men.  I was once at this horrible party where it seemed like everyone except me was doing drugs & otherwise being horrible.  I ended up dating the undercover cop who was at the party to bust it.  

[basil67]

@d0nnivain such a great story about the cop.

@QuietRiot When I met my husband, I didn't *immediately* want to jump his bones.  But by the end of the night it was a different story and some jumping ensued.  I doubt that either of us would have chased the other if there was no chemistry on the night.

[SumGuy]

Sure it happens, now as a man don't bet on it or keep yourself "free" just in case, certainly don't press for it to happen. On the last statement, at least for the women I desire.  What did Groucho Marx say...I wouldn't want to be member of a club that accepted me after I badgered them...  

People are complex, they change in who they are and what they desire both falling in love and out of it.  There is also a lot to be said about being in the right place at the right time.

[FMW]

I've always had at least some sort of attraction to a guy from the very beginning if it was ever going to turn in to something.  That attraction hasn't always been clearly physical though, just something that drew me to him. But it has had to turn into a physical attraction within a short period of time.  So in my case, yes, the attraction can become more solid over time, but there has to be at least some kind of spark to start with. 

[Cookiesandough]

12 minutes ago, FMW said:

I've always had at least some sort of attraction to a guy from the very beginning if it was ever going to turn in to something.  That attraction hasn't always been clearly physical though, just something that drew me to him. But it has had to turn into a physical attraction within a short period of time.  So in my case, yes, the attraction can become more solid over time, but there has to be at least some kind of spark to start with. 

That’s a good way to put it.
 

I want to share an unusual(for me, maybe not so much for many people) experience I had pretty recently with a dude.

At first I did not notice him at all * in that way* . He was just another dude that I didn’t look at twice.
 

But then I started being around him more due to mutual friends. I also heard some things about him. I still wouldn’t say there was anything I would call attraction even at this point.
 

It didn’t become attraction until like three weeks later, I was with him and another friend. While they were distracted and talking to each other, I made a deliberate decision to start fantasizing about him romantically.  What it would be like to kiss him etc. It was really weird and a bit challenging at first to do, because I really didn’t see him that way at all.

But that flipped some kind of  switch in my head. From that time on I had this super attraction to him to the point I was fantasizing about him constantly. There are some concrete things that prevented me from pursuing anything, but it’s very interesting I was able to do that with my mind. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

I know how attracted I am to a man within the first 5 minutes. Attraction can increase the stronger feelings become, and it's a biological fact that people become more attracted to a person's appearance as they become more familiar with it. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm thinking you're using the wrong example for this question. This woman didn't have attraction to her new man at first. But OVER YEARS of working with him, something shifted. That's a very different scenario than meeting someone and not feeling it at first and then three or four dates later, feeling something.

I can think of my job. I have lots of women colleagues, all who are interesting in different ways. Most are happily married. But over the course of years I can say I find several of my colleagues quite attractive in a way that I didn't when I first met them. Even my work friendships have changed over time. People I was close to years ago aren't the people I'm closest to now. 

Over the course of years, attraction can grow--but not if you're consciously forcing it or trying to will.  It just has to happen, and it can happen because you like the person in a platonic way at first ... and then over time, the energy shifts. But the time period is crucial. Lots of people develop attraction for neighbors and coworkers over 10 to 20 years. 

Very different from developing attraction from the first date to the fifth date.

 

[ZA Dater]

On 11/14/2020 at 5:53 PM, QuietRiot said:

I caught up with this woman that had been divorced from her husband of 25 years. About a year later I caught up with her and turns out she's engaged to a man she's known (and worked with) for 13 years.   

I pondered to guess that there as an attraction, but...She said there was never an attraction from her end, but...there had always been an attraction from his side. She said if you had asked me back then, she would have said "No way!"

But, with her, the attraction came later.

I think this is why SOME men tend to TRY  to turn a woman around that put them in the friend zone (sorry, had to use the FZ word as it does come close to this situation, lol). They hear stories like this, and they figure, "Will this happen with me?" or "Man, this never happens to me?" Because all the women friends they've ever encountered, once it was determined there was no attraction (on her part), that's that. You're on lock.

 

She simply settled. Realised he was the best she was likely to get and forced herself to like him.

How sustainable that would be I have no idea but I'd rather be on my own that entertain such an idea. Can FZ be turned in a relationship, I think so but again my outlook is flawed in the extreme. Its HARD to get her to see you as more than a fried but ask yourself would you risk a good friendship?

 

 

[Weezy1973]

Everybody’s different. People tend to be most attracted to others that are more attractive than themselves. But aren’t at all attracted to people less attractive than themselves. So most people form lasting relationships with people that are equally attractive. And sometimes that means the attraction is immediate, and sometimes it grows over time. Although I can’t see someone being repulsed and turning that around. Having neutral attraction turn into high attraction definitely happens. But everybody’s different.

[Shining One]

For the women in this thread saying it has happened for them, have you ever had a "never going to happen" turn into a "yes"?

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Shining One said:

For the women in this thread saying it has happened for them, have you ever had a "never going to happen" turn into a "yes"?

Yes, once.  Big mistake.  Huge.  

Turned out his friendship personality was completely opposite to his rather toxic relationship personality.   

[Cookiesandough]

It must happen. When  you consider all of the possible people and all of the possible combinations of relationships and feelings in this world. It must be possible for someone to have the initial feeling of “h*ll no“ grow into a “hell yes”, and everywhere in between. 
 

With that being said, I still struggle with operating on the hopes of this happening. Tonight, this guy I just ended it with asked me  if I would still be his friend and we could possibly become more if I changed my mind.It seems unethical because I really don’t see my mind changing about him, even though I guess it is possible

Edited November 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It must happen. When  you consider all of the possible people and all of the possible combinations of relationships and feelings in this world. It must be possible for someone to have the initial feeling of “h*ll no“ grow into a “hell yes”, and everywhere in between. 

This ^

Of course it can happen.  The question is whether or not it happens often enough to hitch your wagon to the idea.

[FMW]

16 hours ago, Shining One said:

have you ever had a "never going to happen" turn into a "yes"?

No, not a hard "never". But "I don't think I see this ever happening" has turned into "hmm, maybe, let's see where this goes". 

But like basil67 noted, I think the likelihood is so small for most women, it's not wise to think it will happen.  

[mark clemson]

On 11/14/2020 at 11:29 AM, d0nnivain said:

It depends on the woman.

^^^^ correct, of course.  Women and their attractions and behaviors are far from identical. Trying to establish a one-size-fits-all set of rules or understandings or to apply it is futile.

A better approach, IMO, is to make yourself as attractive a man as you can and choose from among the women who seem interested/drawn to you.

Edited November 16, 2020 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

Yes, many prefer 7-11 pm ⌚ as opposed to 6-10 am. So yes attraction comes later.⏰

[poppyfields]

21 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Everybody’s different. People tend to be most attracted to others that are more attractive than themselves. But aren’t at all attracted to people less attractive than themselves. So most people form lasting relationships with people that are equally attractive.

Weezy, how are you defining "attracted to"?   Strictly looks?  For me, I might find a man very attractive, perhaps even more attractive than myself,  but not be "attracted to" him.  

"Attracted to" encompasses more than simply physical appearance (for me and many orhers) and when it's happening, it's typically immediate or within a very short time and it's mutual.  

It's a sort of energy/chemistry happening between us, not merely finding the other attractive to look at.  

So I have to disagree with the bolded, at least for me and others who define "attracted to" as more than simply the physical, which is important but subjective and entails more than looks.  

Edited November 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[basil67]

I agree @poppyfields    It doesn't matter how great a guy looks, I will have zero sexual attraction prior to having had a conversation with them. 

[poppyfields]

On 11/15/2020 at 10:08 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

That’s a good way to put it.
 

I want to share an unusual(for me, maybe not so much for many people) experience I had pretty recently with a dude.

At first I did not notice him at all * in that way* . He was just another dude that I didn’t look at twice.
 

But then I started being around him more due to mutual friends. I also heard some things about him. I still wouldn’t say there was anything I would call attraction even at this point.
 

It didn’t become attraction until like three weeks later, I was with him and another friend. While they were distracted and talking to each other, I made a deliberate decision to start fantasizing about him romantically.  What it would be like to kiss him etc. It was really weird and a bit challenging at first to do, because I really didn’t see him that way at all.

But that flipped some kind of  switch in my head. From that time on I had this super attraction to him to the point I was fantasizing about him constantly. There are some concrete things that prevented me from pursuing anything, but it’s very interesting I was able to do that with my mind. 

Interesting shortskirts. A good friend of mine (very attractive) was being pursued by a lesser attractive man, by her standards, my standards, most likely everyone's standards.  

Anyway, after a couple of dates, he had not kissed her and she decided that was it.

Well, I can't remember why  exactly as it was years ago, but she did end up going on a third date, and it was on that date he kissed her, passionately on the lips and she told me her "attraction to" him during and after the kiss was akin to something powerful hitting her over the head, they began exclusively dating after that date and got married a couple of years later!  

We used to laugh about it, it was the kiss!!!   

Edited November 16, 2020 by poppyfields