For women, does attraction come later?

[Weezy1973]

36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Weezy, how are you defining "attracted to"?   Strictly looks? 

No, I think it could more accurately be described as popularity or options. Certain people are attractive to more people than others.
 

For example, all else being equal, most women would be more attracted to a guy that has a good career than one that is unemployed and has no ambition. Or a guy that’s taller than them rather than shorter. Or a guy with a full head of hair rather than balding or bald. And I’m not saying there aren’t any women that don’t care about those things, or some that might even prefer a bald head, but these things will all go into the subconscious calculation of what makes someone attractive. And certain people are more attractive than others.
 

Looks are part of it. But so are things like intelligence, sense of humour, kindness, adventurousness, etc. And again, any individual person may have different preferences, but as a whole, some people are still more attractive than others. 
 

Finally in a medium like online dating, looks are disproportionately prioritized for attraction. In real life, all those other factors come into play, especially in situations with prolonged exposure. Like school, work, etc.

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Interesting shortskirts. A good friend of mine (very attractive) was being pursued by a lesser attractive man, by her standards, my standards, most likely everyone's standards.  

Anyway, after a couple of dates, he had not kissed her and she decided that was it.

Well, I can't remember why  exactly as it was years ago, but she did end up going on a third date, and it was on that date he kissed her, passionately on the lips and she told me her "attraction to" him during and after the kiss was akin to something powerful hitting her over the head, they began exclusively dating after that date and got married a couple of years later!  

We used to laugh about it, it was the kiss!!!   

That’s also very interesting. I am wondering why she was going on a 3 dates with  a guy she wasn’t attracted to?? It sounds almost like she was trying to make herself grow more attracted to him. Maybe power of the mind ...

Edited November 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

That’s also very interesting. I am wondering why she was going on a 3 dates with  a guy she wasn’t attracted to?? It sounds almost like she was trying to make herself grow more attracted to him. Maybe power of the mind ...

Yeah, not sure why she accepted that third date, but she always liked to give a guy at least two dates before deciding.  

I'm remembering how totally smitten she was with him after their third date and the "kiss."   I recall a few of us were having dinner out one night and he walked in with his guitar and started singing to her right at the table! 

And the way she looked at him, with that totally dreamy look, meanwhile we (myself and our other friends) were embarrassed AF.  🤣

To look at them - she gorgeous, great figure, 5'8", 5'10" in heels, and he, very average, shorter than she, maybe around 5'7", but she was absolutely crazy about him, would light up whenever talking about him!  

He was smart though, a financial adviser.  She made a TON of money after her dad died following his investment advice.  

Ya just never know, attraction, chemistry, is just so elusive.  Who can figure it.

Edited November 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mysterio]

I think that attraction changes as you grow older.  For me its all about the face/personality as it applies to me.  So softness goes a long way with me.  If a woman is harsh and hard.  I don't find anything appealing about her to go for her.  I try at this stage of my life.  I am not locking anyone into me for the long haul.  As far as I am concerned.  If I date a woman.  The future is 2 weeks away at best.  If we become a couple.  It will be due to time spent with each other and us enjoying each others company.  

[ZA Dater]

On 11/15/2020 at 6:08 AM, d0nnivain said:

 

What I meant by the part you didn't understand is that if upon meeting a man no matter how sweet, kind, gentle, intelligent, solid he is, if he didn't make me want to immediately jump his bones I stopped accepting dates with guys like that because all the goodness in the world wasn't sexy in my mind.  

I believe that this is the case for almost all ladies, no physical attraction means no point in seeing the person again. The inherent problem is as kids most of us are lead to believe we are handsome or whatever and it makes us believe we are when we are not, sure its good to build self esteem in kids but I'd argue that false self esteem just leads to huge disappointment when the dating market votes with its feet.

 

[Cookiesandough]

It is for me. If I can’t imagine with excitement myself kissing him or being physical with him, I don’t see the point in going on another date. Yes, I could wait for it to maybe develop, but you run the risk of it not developing and leading them on, wasting both parties’ time and emotions. I’m past that. Why would I do that one I could just go on a date with a guy who I do want to make out with? 

 

Luckily, we women aren’t all into all the same thing. Lid for every pot or whatever. 

Edited November 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ZA Dater]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

It is for me. If I can’t imagine with excitement myself kissing him or being physical with him, I don’t see the point in going on another date. Yes, I could wait for it to maybe develop, but you run the risk of it not developing and leading them on, wasting both parties’ time and emotions. I’m past that. Why would I do that one I could just go on a date with a guy who I do want to make out with? 

 

Luckily, we women aren’t all into all the same thing. Lid for every pot or whatever. 

Nothing wrong with that and for what its worth I think almost all ladies would agree with you. Its sobering for us guys who simply have nothing to offer physically but again it is what it is. I think also and this might be true for both, if one person lacks confidence and experience no amount of attraction will actually help so there are a few things which I think go hand in hand with physical attraction.

So much of this I think is also down to how we perceive the other person and how our own mind connects and what we find attractive, for me I know nobody I "connect: with will ever want a physical relationship with me so I know their attraction to me would be one me being useful to them in someway.

My experience is when I was younger attraction was more "ok well maybe she gives me a chance", now its "well I have no chance anyway so just look and move on".

Fundamentally ladies get to pick and for the most part me do not UNLESS they have something universally attractive.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Fundamentally ladies get to pick and for the most part men do not UNLESS they have something universally attractive.

Attractive ladies get to pick, unattractive ladies have to take what they can get.
It is the same for men...
it is not a gender thing, it is an attractiveness thing...

As for "can attraction grow?", yes it can, but I think it comes from a place of indifference, rather than a place of repulsion or revulsion.

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Nothing wrong with that and for what its worth I think almost all ladies would agree with you. Its sobering for us guys who simply have nothing to offer physically but again it is what it is. I think also and this might be true for both, if one person lacks confidence and experience no amount of attraction will actually help so there are a few things which I think go hand in hand with physical attraction.

So much of this I think is also down to how we perceive the other person and how our own mind connects and what we find attractive, for me I know nobody I "connect: with will ever want a physical relationship with me so I know their attraction to me would be one me being useful to them in someway.

My experience is when I was younger attraction was more "ok well maybe she gives me a chance", now its "well I have no chance anyway so just look and move on".

Fundamentally ladies get to pick and for the most part me do not UNLESS they have something universally attractive.

I don’t think there is anything that can rightfully be called ‘universally attractive’ in this world. Even the most generally undesirable stuff is desirable to someone, somewhere. They often call this a “fetish“ or whatever. But it still remains true. 
 

You can’t know for certain if someone you’re attracted to wouldn’t be attracted to you.
 

And yes there is a lot more that factors into attraction and impacts physical attraction than just the physiological traits of someone’s face/body. 

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I don’t think there is anything that can rightfully be called ‘universally attractive’ in this world. Even the most generally undesirable stuff is desirable to someone, somewhere. They often call this a “fetish“ or whatever. But it still remains true. 
 

You can’t know for certain if someone you’re attracted to wouldn’t be attracted to you.
 

And yes there is a lot more that factors into attraction and impacts physical attraction than just the physiological traits of someone’s face/body. 

Just wanted to say maybe it is usually called a paraphilia, not a fetish. Sorry 

Edited November 19, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[QuietRiot]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I believe that this is the case for almost all ladies, no physical attraction means no point in seeing the person again. The inherent problem is as kids most of us are lead to believe we are handsome or whatever and it makes us believe we are when we are not, sure its good to build self esteem in kids but I'd argue that false self esteem just leads to huge disappointment when the dating market votes with its feet.

 

The thing is though, through familiarization and having gotten to know the person of a long period of time, was only then that attraction grew with this woman.

[Cookiesandough]

I hate to say it, but you  really don’t know what she was feeling. I’m guessing that she wasn’t UNattracted to him physically, she just hadn’t given it much thought. I agree with Elaine that in the rare instances this happens, it usually comes from a place of indifference( like in the example I gave of just not seeing him that way), rather than a ‘no way in h*ll’ 

And a lot of guys in friend zone  are in the ‘no way in h*ll’ category. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Atwood]

I think attraction and chemistry are extremely complicated and nobody understands them. We try to come up with reasons and rules, but truly I think that's just because we like to think we have control over it, considering how much attraction, or lack of, and it's changing states can wreak quite a lot of havoc in our personal lives. We can stop being attracted to someone we've been attracted to for decades, and we can suddenly get hot and bothered over someone we've ignored for decades. 

We don't like it because there's no control, and no obvious reasons, no explanations we can offer to hurt parties. And that's scary. All I know is that if you feel attraction, you certainly know about it, and you definitely can't force it. 

Edited November 20, 2020 by Atwood

[Trail Blazer]

On 11/17/2020 at 8:42 AM, basil67 said:

I agree @poppyfields    It doesn't matter how great a guy looks, I will have zero sexual attraction prior to having had a conversation with them. 

And this is essentially the difference between men and women.  On the flipside, which is what I think this thread is about, is that to varying degrees, women can find a guy to be not that attractive physically, but find herself sexually attracted to him after meeting/having a conversation.

All things being equal, women will always choose the more attractive physically (to her), which is why many poor dudes struggle on OLD apps.  They don't get a chance to talk until the woman, with an abundance of choices, decides to go on a date with him first.  Yet, he has many hurdles he needs to overcome first.

For mine (and probably most guys), I can completely be sexually attracted to a woman just based on her looks.  If she's as dumb as a box of rocks, I'll still gladly have sex with her if she's really hot.  It's just sex, after all.  But I couldn't be in a relationship with her.

[QuietRiot]

4 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

And this is essentially the difference between men and women.  On the flipside, which is what I think this thread is about, is that to varying degrees, women can find a guy to be not that attractive physically, but find herself sexually attracted to him after meeting/having a conversation.

All things being equal, women will always choose the more attractive physically (to her), which is why many poor dudes struggle on OLD apps.  They don't get a chance to talk until the woman, with an abundance of choices, decides to go on a date with him first.  Yet, he has many hurdles he needs to overcome first.

For mine (and probably most guys), I can completely be sexually attracted to a woman just based on her looks.  If she's as dumb as a box of rocks, I'll still gladly have sex with her if she's really hot.  It's just sex, after all.  But I couldn't be in a relationship with her.

The bolded...yeah, this is why dudes lie about their height...not that I condone it..., as they do this because they feel if they can get them at least some face-time with the lady, she can hear his voice, body language, and other mannerisms that are lost online.

[Trail Blazer]

41 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

The bolded...yeah, this is why dudes lie about their height...not that I condone it..., as they do this because they feel if they can get them at least some face-time with the lady, she can hear his voice, body language, and other mannerisms that are lost online.

Many overweight women lie in similar ways by omission, by not putting up full-body images.  They feel that if their face is pretty enough for a guy to want to date them, then being a bit chubby won't matter to him. 

Or, they think he'll overlook the fact that she is overweight when he meets her because he'll fall for her, the person.  In other words, she makes the mistake of assuming that men think like women do. 

[lana-banana]

When I was single, I put men into mental boxes: the "yes"es who I absolutely found attractive, the "no"s who I would never find attractive for whatever reason, and a third box you could call "?" or "judgment deferred". This was a box for guys who I either didn't have strong opinions about, or who I didn't feel the need to have opinions about (friend's boyfriends, coworkers, etc). The entire process happened in maybe five seconds after meeting.

In my life there have not been a lot of yeses, and some of them became nos as soon as they started talking. My husband is a ? who gradually over time became someone I was and am incredibly attracted to, and there were others like that as well. Attraction can certainly build over time because it's so complex; it's elements of personality and character and charisma and all about speaks to you as a certain moment in time.

I will tell you this: the nos never move. If you meet someone and you are immediately sure you will never find them attractive, that doesn't change. It was always annoying to spend a few days chatting on online dating, look at pictures, get excited...and then within seconds you're like "nope, absolutely not".

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I will tell you this: the nos never move.

On 11/20/2020 at 9:17 AM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

And a lot of guys in friend zone  are in the ‘no way in h*ll’ category. 

 

Very true and why once put in "the friendzone", they only ever get out of it by being discarded altogether.

[QuietRiot]

35 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

When I was single, I put men into mental boxes: the "yes"es who I absolutely found attractive, the "no"s who I would never find attractive for whatever reason, and a third box you could call "?" or "judgment deferred". This was a box for guys who I either didn't have strong opinions about, or who I didn't feel the need to have opinions about (friend's boyfriends, coworkers, etc). The entire process happened in maybe five seconds after meeting.

In my life there have not been a lot of yeses, and some of them became nos as soon as they started talking. My husband is a ? who gradually over time became someone I was and am incredibly attracted to, and there were others like that as well. Attraction can certainly build over time because it's so complex; it's elements of personality and character and charisma and all about speaks to you as a certain moment in time.

I will tell you this: the nos never move. If you meet someone and you are immediately sure you will never find them attractive, that doesn't change. It was always annoying to spend a few days chatting on online dating, look at pictures, get excited...and then within seconds you're like "nope, absolutely not".

Sounds about right, very organic and natural the way it happened with your husband. It would seem those that are getting married to someone, did so in the "gradually got to know him/her over time" method of attraction.  Or "I wasn't attracted...at first...but now...that's changed" category.

 

==It was always annoying to spend a few days chatting on online dating, look at pictures, get excited...and then within seconds you're like "nope, absolutely not".==

What is really annoying is, you meet someone online, and you have an awesome time with each other, with even the other party stating how much they'd just LOVE to see you again...the chemistry is through the roof. And they say an emphatic "YES!" to a 2nd date...only to ghost when you try to call to set up that 2nd date.

Had a woman tell me that she thought I was more attractive in person than online, I thought this was a sure thing, as it was mutual...then she faded.

I have heard a lot of cases of online dating where it happened like that.

Edited November 21, 2020 by QuietRiot