I didn't know I was the other woman

[Tikka2019]

This is a long story. I think I just needed to write it out to help with what I'm going through.

Movies, songs, stories you hear is always about the main woman's side. The words are sad or uplifting. It's to help that woman mend her pain. To make her feel like she's not alone. You feel remorse for that woman. But there's never any stories about the other woman to help her heal.

Here's my story.

I met B at work nearly 15 years ago. We became friends and nothing more. I also worked with his brother.
B and I won a trip and he brought his girlfriend. A bunch of us all partied and had fun. It was a great mini getaway.
Fast forward to 2016.
I no longer work at this company but B did. I got invited to an Xmas party and he was there. Him and his girlfriend were now married. He tells me the marriage was short lived and they were separated. He tries to make a move on me, but I felt like this separation was too fresh and didn't want to be involved knowing I'd likely be a rebound.

Fast forward to beginning of 2019.
I was out of a relationship, ready to start dating again. He randomly reaches out to me and the conversation begins to flow nicely. I always enjoyed him, and knew him for so long and I instantly trusted him. I mean, he's separated for a few years now and finally signing papers for divorce. I knew I wasn't a rebound and felt it could go somewhere. At this age, people have baggage and divorce could be one of them so I accept it.

We begin our journey...

He tells me his ex is trying to get alimony and he needs to sell his condo and move in with his parents. He even takes pictures of his empty condo.
He moves in with the parents. He tells me his parents are extreme Christians and don't condone him dating me or spending the nights. He needs to respect them since he's living under their roof. I accept this.
He tells me he's seeking a therapist since there's so much going on with the divorce and his parents and it's all overwhelming for him.
I try to be a good support system and stick with him while he goes through this journey. I see some light at the end of the tunnel. When all is done, we can officially begin our lives together.

Fast forward to almost end of 2020.

I planned a surprise birthday party for him where my family would be there. My family and friends really liked him and were excited to have this party. (Less than 10 people due to covid just to add).
The morning that he was supposed to show up to my place before heading to my sister's, he bails and says he has birthday blues and can't find the will to be anywhere. He causes a fight and tries to end the relationship. It was a shock to my core, I didn't know what to do. He turns off his phone. I'm freaking out.
I reach out to his brother asking if he's heard from him. His brother seemed weird about me asking, like why it mattered. It triggered me to question why he didn't know about me. Then all was revealed...
He said he's still married, no separation in sight. He lived in a small town, close by with the wife.
I was shocked and broken to pieces.
I asked him about this and he tries to deny everything, I tell him I'll tell the wife if he doesn't come clean. He finally admits the truth.

He doesn't seem remorseful over any of this. Gives me a half of an apology. I'm losing it and just give up and hang up.

I see my family still and tell them everything. I was torn apart.

The next day I decided to contact the wife since I was connected to her by one person via social media. I give some small details to not overwhelm her. She replies and says she needs time to process this.

He blocks me from everything possible. Not that I attempted to reach out, but you'd think there would be some remorse. I mean we planned our futures together.

She finally reaches out to me a few days later and we decided to talk on the phone.

She tells me that on that Saturday morning when he was coming to see me, he claimed he was going to work. She randomly decided to go through his bag and found a card from him to me that I guess he never gave me. She finds a keychain that was engraved with our anniversary date. She finds my card for him that describes our relationship together. It says our travels on there as well...

I realized she found out on her own, not by me. And I found out on my own an hour later. This was the reason why he tried to break up with me, cause she found out and he loses more with her than he does with me.

These 2 world's collided and exploded in his face on his birthday. It was fate.

We share out stories of how he managed to get away with this for so long. How he used his 2 jobs as his lies. The nights we did spend together he had overnight DJ gigs. His shift as a subway driver was sporadic. He literally put on his uniform to make her believe he was going to work, yet he'd change right before showing up to my place. It was all so sickening.

She's leaving him. She's collecting her alimony. He manifested everything he said to me.

I feel sick knowing that her and I both fell for this man. For his constant lies and making us feel sympathetic towards him for working so hard, or whatever other "hardship" he was enduring. Even his therapy was a lie. It was just something he made up for my sympathy.

I find comfort in speaking with her. Maybe it's because I know he's suffering. But one thing that I have a hard time with is that he never gave me a real apology. He strung me along with all these hopes with knowing nothing would come about. That my feeling were easily dismissed and now that his life is torn, who cares about me and what he's caused.

I try to find songs, or movies that can relate to me. Even searched the internet to find similar stories to feel that I'm not alone, but there's barely anything. And if there is, it's the sympathy towards the main woman. I get it, there's more on her side that she's losing, but I still exist. I still suffer. I was betrayed and tossed out into the trash so quickly with zero closure.

I don't want to minimize what she's going through, because her situation is definitely greater, but I almost feel like I need to minimize my own pain because hers is worse. It's a hard thing to explain without sounding selfish.

Maybe this is when my emotions are overwhelming and it's hard to deal with this. Maybe time will heal everything. Maybe this was meant to happen so she could find out. And unfortunately it was at my expense.

Do I thank the world for allowing me to find out or get angry that I was placed here?
Do I grieve in silence because my situation is minimal compared to hers?
I just want to heal and find peace with life again.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm very sorry this happened, OP. 

My dear friend went through something very similar many years ago. She found out that her boyfriend of two years had another girlfriend, whom he'd been dating for six years. Neither woman really knew about the other, though both had started to wonder what was up with him. After they compared notes, they (like you and this guy's wife) realized how frequently he lied to one so that he could go and see the other. 

It's a long story, but my friend was the one to piece things together and contact his other girlfriend before she confronted him. They wound up confronting him together. He had very little to say for himself. No apologies. 

My take is that if someone is capable of that degree of deception, they lack the very empathy chip that would prompt others to apologize and express remorse. People like this genuinely don't give a crap about others, or they'd never do this sort of thing to begin with. That's why you're not getting an apology now, unfortunately. You've learned that he was putting on a huge act for you, and the kind and respectful guy you thought he was isn't the real him. 

Good for you for calling him and out and letting his wife know. You both deserve far better than this sociopathic clown. 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Tikka2019 said:

 Even searched the internet to find similar stories to feel that I'm not alone, but there's barely anything.

A sad story and I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. There's several like yours over the last year or two in this and the Infidelity sections, although ones where the OM/W was deceived about marital status are fewer. You're certainly far from the only person this has happened to.

It will take time to heal, so recognize that and don't expect to be over this too soon. My thought would be to have the MM out of your life as completely as possible will be helpful, in the sense that your emotions won't keep getting retriggered by seeing him. Ultimately, closure comes from within, although it often takes a lot longer to get there than we'd like.

[Zona]

He probably thought he was pretty clever having two women in love with him. Now he's lost both.

This is a very unfortunate situation for you. A shock to the system like that can cause PTSD symptoms for some people. If you need to, get some counseling.

[Tikka2019]

On 11/14/2020 at 2:26 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

My take is that if someone is capable of that degree of deception, they lack the very empathy chip that would prompt others to apologize and express remorse. People like this genuinely don't give a crap about others, or they'd never do this sort of thing to begin with. 

You're 100% correct and I need to face this. It's hard to understand, but realistically I don't know who this person ever was. 

[Tikka2019]

21 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Ultimately, closure comes from within, although it often takes a lot longer to get there than we'd like.

This is true. I just wish I could fast track it to stop my brain from constantly thinking about everything. I have to grieve. And I will. Hopefully come out stronger...

[Tikka2019]

16 hours ago, Zona said:

He probably thought he was pretty clever having two women in love with him. Now he's lost both.

This is a very unfortunate situation for you. A shock to the system like that can cause PTSD symptoms for some people. If you need to, get some counseling.

I decided to do some therapy... As much as I'd like to think I can handle this on my own, I do worry this could cause trauma and affect my future with men, or even just trust issues with people in general.

It's a long road ahead, but I think speaking to someone professionally will help.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Tikka2019 said:

I decided to do some therapy... As much as I'd like to think I can handle this on my own, I do worry this could cause trauma and affect my future with men, or even just trust issues with people in general.

It's a long road ahead, but I think speaking to someone professionally will help.

Excellent. Keep in mind that this is just one creep, and nothing went too far.

The great lesson here is that after dating a while, you should both be familiar with each other's real lives. 

That means you have seen each other's homes, met a few friends or family etc.

If you are a secret or kept at arms length, these are 2 red flags 🚩 you never have to repeat.

[Tikka2019]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Keep in mind that this is just one creep, and nothing went too far.

The great lesson here is that after dating a while, you should both be familiar with each other's real lives. 

That means you have seen each other's homes, met a few friends or family etc.

If you are a secret or kept at arms length, these are 2 red flags 🚩 you never have to repeat.

The messed up thing is he did introduce me to a couple of friends. But they're the ones who condone this behaviour. I also took a trip to his homeland, but only met a senile aunt. I swear it was intentional cause this woman was way too off for anyone to understand her. It's just so sick that it was all premeditated and I was so clueless. 

But yes absolutely for the future, I'll have to spot these red flags and stop wasting my time.

I appreciate the support. It's crazy that strangers can actually give me some type of comfort and help with my journey.

[stillafool]

On 11/14/2020 at 2:04 PM, Tikka2019 said:

 But one thing that I have a hard time with is that he never gave me a real apology. He strung me along with all these hopes with knowing nothing would come about. That my feeling were easily dismissed and now that his life is torn, who cares about me and what he's caused.

This is usually what happens to the OW once the wife finds out.  The OW is thrown under a bus and MM does everything he can to save his marriage.  Don't count on his wife filing for divorce.  They all say they will when the affair is discovered but after the MM pleads, begs, and promises to do better the wife starts thinking about all she's giving up and then they reconcile.

[Tikka2019]

58 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is usually what happens to the OW once the wife finds out.  The OW is thrown under a bus and MM does everything he can to save his marriage.  Don't count on his wife filing for divorce.  They all say they will when the affair is discovered but after the MM pleads, begs, and promises to do better the wife starts thinking about all she's giving up and then they reconcile.

I guess we'll wait and see. Her and I have been speaking lots since this whole thing, and it sounds like she's serious. Her and his family all know about this double life. He's been out of their home since she found out. 

And you're right about him trying to save the marriage and throws me under the bus. He's losing a lot more with her than he is me. 

It's just all a sad situation, and every person will forever be affected my this. My hopes is that her and I can regain our strength, and he can learn his lesson and suffers the consequences of his actions.

[kismetkismet]

Wow, I'm so sorry for both you and the wife - that is heartbreaking for BOTH of you! Honestly, I think you're unlikely to get a real apology because it's possible this guy is a bit of a sociopath. Going through such dramatic lengths to conceal two relationships takes a huuuge amount of energy and any normal person would be torn to pieces by the guilt and anxiety of it. 

Keep talking to the wife if it helps. Something similar (but much less serious) happened with an ex boyfriend of mine, his "ex" found something of mine and reached out to me and we found out he'd been dating both of us all along. She and I kind of bonded over it, revealed all of the details of how he betrayed us, and it was honestly therapeutic. I think it also helped us move on much faster because he couldn't make up any more BS stories when we could just cross check them with each other. All of the cover up stories he'd used over the years could be thrown out the window when we checked the dates of times we had a 'weird feeling.'

[Wiseman2]

Don't let one creep ruin things for you. There's nothing to be "scarred" about. You'll get over it in time 

The wife has her own reflecting to do .

Don't focus on revenge or what lessons he learned. Your conversations with his wife won't "teach" him anything except to cover his tracks better.

Maybe they'll divorce, maybe they'll work it out. Either way it's over as far as your role in this.

Stay out of thier marriage. Don't try to perpetuate this ugly triangle and give him so much power and credence that you have to waste your time chasing this mess and crying on his wife's shoulder.

Block and delete him and all his people (especially the wife) from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You told her about it. Now live your own life rather than an appendage of theirs.

 

[Milly May June]

What a horrible man! I am so sorry for you and for his family. This is a terrible thing to come to terms with for all of you. What a way to go through life living a doubble life. Can you imagine what type of mental gymnastics this guy had to do every day to pull this off and for what?? I hope therapy, friends and family help you to process this. 

 

[stillafool]

On 11/16/2020 at 10:47 AM, Tikka2019 said:

guess we'll wait and see. Her and I have been speaking lots since this whole thing, and it sounds like she's serious.

I don't think this is a good idea to now be further involved in their marriage.  Whatever happens between the two of them is their business because they are married.  You found out the truth about him so now it would be good for you to bough out and move on with your life and heal.

[FMW]

I agree that you need to stop talking to the wife.  It may seem helpful in the moment, but it's an unhealthy bond that just keeps you tied to the situation.

[Whaatamidoing]

I watched this once.. Up in the Air.  Although no sympathy for the OW/OM I think the emotional connections are just right.