Coping .

[beauty0815]

Hello again, as you may know from reading my last post .. I have been dealing with the loss of my best friend. I am coping much better now however , I am curious if anyone has dealt with unsupportive people during grief ? One thing about me is I’m usually the “helper” or strong person” in my group.

Well when my bestfriend died in July, some people that I just assumed would be more supportive toward me weren’t. About a day afterward,  the guy I was dating only expressed condolences and never really checked on me (texts,calls,coming over) and I felt like I couldnt be sad around him.  He also was his same usual self.. never texting back and declining me calls. ( we have since stopped dating.. thank god). I never told him how I felt because I didn’t want to feel weak but I was dying inside. He never offered to talk about it or even commented when I tried to show him a picture of her and me . One of my very close friends, commented condolences on my social media status but after that nothing. She even wrote me all the time afterwards about HER struggles in life and OTHER people that died and never encouraged dialogue about my other friend. A few days later she asked how I was doing (I thought she was talking about coping with my other friends death). I explained to her that “it’s been rough” she then replied “ yup life is rough so anyway how’s work”. I thought I was going crazy thinking she didn’t care to talk about it until I texted her.  One day I texted her after she encouraged me to talk to her if I need it. I texted  her and said I’m not coping well with my friends death ....and she never texted back.  Three days later she sent me an emoji of a heart on social media not the text ! no dialogue...no phone call. I was at my lowest ! I then asked her why she didn’t respond three days ago and that’s when she apologized and gave me this sad story about her pet. I expressed sincere condolences, asked questions showed genuine concern  and forgave her.  She then apologized for not checking on me because she wasn’t active on social media but ironically she actually was active because she WAS still writing me that whole time but  just never brought up how I was feeling after the death or even showed genuine interest on why my friend died . something seemed off. I was depressed and feeling horrible. She would look at all my posts and write about random topics under my posts that I dedicated to my friend! Then under my posts that weren’t about my friend she would write paragraphs but was silent on comforting me. One day I posted a mass status to thank people who have been calling and reaching out ( it was too many to respond to that’s why I wrote a status). She then immediately called me and the first thing she said was “the only reason I’m calling is because our picture came up in memories on social media” not because my friend died  smh. We talked..but she only talked about her problems and her pet problems and how she hopes he doesn’t die .. ( insensitive much). Again I expressed condolences and showed concern.

Following days she would continue to ignore all of my posts regarding my friend and write paragraphs to my other statuses. The two times she did respond to my friends posts were only emojis.. no dialogue!  Then one day she finally said “if you need someone I’m here to talk”. I replied “ are you sure it doesn’t seem like it ?” She then blew up on me and said just because she never replies to my texts doesn’t mean she isn’t thinking of me and her life is so hectic and anxiety filled, also  she said she forgets things ( like texting me back) but she’s never to busy to lend an ear. Honestly I’m dealing with a DEATH and she couldn’t be more colder. To me it falls on death ears because she only writes emojis , ignores me or changes the subject , she doesn’t really want to talk if it’s not about her. It’s almost like not only did she minimalize my situation but she threw her sad story on top of mine to try and make me feel bad for reaching out for support. 

Anyway I explained to her that I understand that everyone is going though something in life but it takes a SECOND to show empathy. She then said “ she doesn’t like to text that’s why she ignored my posts and texts “ LOL . But we’ve texted for years about sensitive topics  and never once did she say she hates to text. I never responded because I was pissed. 

honestly im very understanding but one thing I don’t need is anyone offering support than ignoring me. Also she clearly was making up excuses and lying for her reasons of not being there for me. I am VERY aware of people being uncomfortable with death but she avoided the topic altogether and was very passive aggressive . She also got defensive very easily which confirms that she was lying.. she just didn’t care enough to be there. I don’t want to have to prompt someone to care or reach out. I’ve reached out to every friend and pulled strangers out of dark places in their lives. Just wondering why the same isn’t reciprocated. However I DONT take any of that back.. having a huge heart is just my character. 

What should I say if she writes me again ? Have anyone ever dealt with unsupportive friends/family ? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. How old was your friend and what did she die from!

Unfortunately death and grieving are very uncomfortable topics and no one is an expert in what to say.

Have you been to greiving support groups or your therapist?

Have you read  books on greiving? 

Don't rely on friends to say exactly the right thing. Don't rely on social media posts and responses.

You seem to be in the anger stage of grief. Read up on that. Grief is personal journey. 

Make sure you have a good circles of real life friends. Don't hold any one person whether a BF or social media friend accountable for your pain.

Unfortunately healing is your job and there are ample resources there for you.

Death is a fact of life, so many many people have walked in your shoes. Don't feel so alone.

[beauty0815]

Hello, wiseman2 thanks for your response. My friend was 30 and died from cancer. I have not joined groups but have thought about it. I am still on the fence about joining, I really don’t know what to say. I do read articles about grief on my spare time and that helps a bit. 

And I understand what you are saying. I actually would have been fine if she didn’t talk to me during this grieving process at all. The fact that she’s trying to talk about different topics and sending emojis is annoying. Real friends don’t ignore your texts when you’re grieving and certainly don’t yell at a grieving person. Maybe I’m different, I don’t leave people in their time of need or feel it’s time to talk about me when they’re clearly depressed. And if I can’t help, I do listen. Maybe I took it personally because besides my friend that passed, this girl is the only real friend I have off of social media. 

And you are right grief is a personal journey and I have decided to move on without her in my life. I have deleted my social media as well for weeks at a time and have since stop posting as much, although the  posting was helping me heal in my eyes. My family has been of great support and just me getting into different activities has helped as well.  I know it’s gets better, it just sucks now. Thanks for your reply.!

Edited November 15, 2020 by beauty0815

[FMW]

I'm kind of repeating what's already been said, but my main thoughts on this is that yes, grieving is a very personal journey, and many people just aren't cut out to be able to handle someone else's grief.  Not because they don't care, they just feel awkward and have no clue how to respond.  

Of course the friend who ignored your texts and then just wanted to talk about HER issues in your conversations was very insensitive.  Unfortunately, people are ok at offering condolences when a loss has just happened, but they don't know how to handle the progression over time to help in your healing process, so they just try to move past it.  For them it's an easy "it's over now, move on" issue.  For you, it's a journey that's going to take some time.

The best support can come from people who have been there, who are dealing with their own loss, so a grief support group is probably something you should at least give a try.  You don't have to talk until you're ready, just listen to what others are sharing.  It's great that your family has been supportive.  

[beauty0815]

4 hours ago, FMW said:

I'm kind of repeating what's already been said, but my main thoughts on this is that yes, grieving is a very personal journey, and many people just aren't cut out to be able to handle someone else's grief.  Not because they don't care, they just feel awkward and have no clue how to respond.  

Of course the friend who ignored your texts and then just wanted to talk about HER issues in your conversations was very insensitive.  Unfortunately, people are ok at offering condolences when a loss has just happened, but they don't know how to handle the progression over time to help in your healing process, so they just try to move past it.  For them it's an easy "it's over now, move on" issue.  For you, it's a journey that's going to take some time.

The best support can come from people who have been there, who are dealing with their own loss, so a grief support group is probably something you should at least give a try.  You don't have to talk until you're ready, just listen to what others are sharing.  It's great that your family has been supportive.  

You are exactly right. I do understand tht some people just want me to get over it and get back to being myself again. My thing is just say you’re uncomfortable with death don’t behave in an insensitive manner. I do think I’ll finally give grief counseling a try. Thank you for your response . 

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, beauty0815 said:

You are exactly right. I do understand tht some people just want me to get over it and get back to being myself again. My thing is just say you’re uncomfortable with death don’t behave in an insensitive manner. I do think I’ll finally give grief counseling a try. Thank you for your response . 

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"

Problem is, we don't all want to be treated in the same way.  Someone who hasn't suffered a terrible loss won't necessarily understand that you won't bounce back quickly.  They are probably trying to distract you and get back to happier topics because that's what they think they'd want in the same situation.     They may not even be uncomfortable with death,  it's just that they simply don't understand what you're going through....and they don't think to ask.

I'm not suggesting that you should hang around with people who aren't giving you the support you need, but remember that people generally do the best they can with what they've got.  

Glad you're going to try grief counselling.  Big hugs to you.