Would like to hear experiences of people reaching out to an ex after years?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I am starting this thread to hear from anyone about experiences of reaching out to an ex after years. Positive or negative, please do share.

In my case, we were together as a long distance couple for almost 3 years. He broke up with me 2 years ago, after a vacation that went horribly wrong (please see my thread below for details if interested).

We had many good times over the years that we were together. There was no infidelity or anything like that. I have stayed in touch with his mother and grandmother since we broke up, and have even gone to visit his grandmother in her country when she was sick.

But the few times that I reached out to my ex himself to have some sort of friendship, it was met with a “thanks but no thanks- it’ll remind us of the past”. He took a very regimental ‘we need to move forward and forget each other’ approach.
 

I last tried to reach out to him over a year ago- I was in his country and asked him if he’d like to go hiking, I was visiting his sick grandmother on that trip (who was very happy to see me). He said no as per usual. That was the last we spoke. 

 

He still has me on social media, which is ironic since we are not friends in reality. It might well be another rejection and I’m fully prepared for that, but what I would like to say to him this final time that I reach out is that, if he truly has no wish of seeing me again, please could he delete me off social media and cut this final cord between us. Ofcourse it will hurt if he does this but then it will be the closure that I guess I need.

If there is a slight chance that he is now in a position where he wouldn’t mind hanging out since the dust has settled now and he’s not currently committed to another woman, it’ll be nice, but I’m prepared for another rejection if not. It will be the very last time that I try.

I would really appreciate some advice on this, thanks

 

 

PS This is the thread on why we broke up, if interested:

 

 

Edited November 15, 2020 by babybrowns

[d0nnivain]

Don't do it.  You are reaching out because you are lonely & feeling nostalgic.  Covid has everyone feeling unsettled & you long for a time when things were good. 

Unless his parents died, the stuff that broke you apart still exists.  You would just be going back to something that didn't work then.  

[Silver_star]

You can't "Get" closure from someone else. The only person that can give you closure is yourself. You need to decide to stop wasting your time on someone who does not reciprocate your feelings anymore. 

He has made it clear many times over the past couple of years that he has no intentions to get back together or to spend time with you or talk to you. Respect his wishes. That should be enough "closure", but I know it is hard to move on. Just because he keeps you on his social media means nothing about his feelings. All my exes kept me on their social media until I deleted them. I am happier now that I removed them. We are not friends, we had a history, and they don't have a place in my present anymore, and although I once cared for them they don't deserve access to me or need access to me, and if they DID want to reach me...they would find a way. It's 2020 there is a ton of technology. 

Reaching out to ask if HE can delete you will be seen as another lame excuse for you to contact him and try to get some kind of validation from him for your feelings. Don't do that. Know your worth.

You don't need to wait to have him delete you from social media because you can Delete HIM off your social media. That is doing yourself a favour in doing this. 

And by your logic he has not cut the cord on social media because he has some sort of feelings left for you or he wants to leave the door open, but if YOU choose to close the door and he has feelings wouldn't he reach out to you? 

My guess is he will not reach out to you to ask why you did.. because it is understood by him that the relationship is in the past. It's over. Be kind to yourself and put those feelings you had for him and that energy back towards yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 if he truly has no wish of seeing me again, please could he delete me off social media and cut this final cord between us. Ofcourse it will hurt if he does this but then it will be the closure that I guess I need.

You can do ahead and do this yourself. He isn't the one viewing social media as a cord, so he sees little reason to delete you. Since you do, it's up to you to take that step. You'd probably find it empowering to do so, in fact. 

Therefore, another vote here for not getting in touch. He's said no more than once, so let be your indication that he has moved on. You'll feel better when you do so, too. 

To speak from a little experience, one ex-boyfriend of mine randomly kept trying to meet up as well, some years ago. It frankly got annoying and made me wonder if he was desperate or just not able to take a hint. Or both. You don't want to paint yourself that way, so I would refrain from reaching out. 

[babybrowns]

Thank you all for your posts. I expected this general consensus, not gonna lie!

I’ve got nothing to lose by sending a final message to him, this is why I would like to send it and ask him to delete me if he wants nothing more to do with me. As I say, because it’s now been more time and the dust has settled, if he still feels the same at this stage it will be all the closure that I need. If I deleted him myself I would always be wondering “what if I just tried this last time”.

Both him and his mother have me on social media, I would prefer them both to delete me if he has no intention of being “friends” IRL. I will also ask him to not reply if he still feels the same, but to just delete me as his response if he still has no intention to see or speak to me again

 

[d0nnivain]

45 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I’ve got nothing to lose by sending a final message to him, this is why I would like to send it and ask him to delete me if he wants nothing more to do with me.

Why give him that power?  If you delete him that thread is severed.  

[basil67]

Asking him to delete you if he doesn't want to be friends in real life is so very transparent.  He will view it as manipulation on your part from the outset.   If you want to retain your dignity, block him yourself. 

Also, it's not ironic to have a non friend as a FB friend.  With the exception of those who have just 20 carefully picked FB friends, he'd be just like everyone else with a heap of people who he used to know on his friends list.  

[Wiseman2]

Ok, it depends on what you want in your life. A BF? A local relationship? A chat/travel buddy?

You seem to want differing things. He wants to move on.

It's your responsibility to manage your social media and messaging apps.

That means you can drag this on at the expensive of a real life local real relationship or you could cut your losses and delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, babybrowns said:

’ve got nothing to lose by sending a final message to him, this is why I would like to send it and ask him to delete me if he wants nothing more to do with me. As I say, because it’s now been more time and the dust has settled, if he still feels the same at this stage it will be all the closure that I need. If I deleted him myself I would always be wondering “what if I just tried this last time”.

I would spend more time reflecting on why you have such difficulty letting go, even when it's clear the relationship is long over. I mean that sincerely, by the way. 

This is less about him and wanting to be with him, and more about something inside you that doesn't have the ability to walk away on her own. Is it loneliness? Lack of recent success in dating? Low self-worth? 

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 11/15/2020 at 3:36 PM, babybrowns said:

Thank you all for your posts. I expected this general consensus, not gonna lie!

I’ve got nothing to lose by sending a final message to him, this is why I would like to send it and ask him to delete me if he wants nothing more to do with me. As I say, because it’s now been more time and the dust has settled, if he still feels the same at this stage it will be all the closure that I need. If I deleted him myself I would always be wondering “what if I just tried this last time”.

Both him and his mother have me on social media, I would prefer them both to delete me if he has no intention of being “friends” IRL. I will also ask him to not reply if he still feels the same, but to just delete me as his response if he still has no intention to see or speak to me again

 

babybrowns, don't do this to yourself; contacting him to ask anything at all. You will not get closure from finding how he feels. If he felt he wanted to be friends he would have contacted you by now. Every time you contact him you add to his resistance to you. And you are going to be viewed as a pest, I promise you. 

"What if I just tried this last time?" There are multiple people following your story who can give you the answer to that easily so there is no need to ask him.

Let him, as a person in any capacity, go.