I'm not enough because I don't have money

[SumGuy]

You can talk to a lawyer to get an idea of what support he would need to provide should you two separate.  Where I live in the US from what you've written it is my understanding he would need to provide you with a substantial amount of child support, and you contributing to the household expenses will go in your favor.  I understand here that marriage is required for certain assets to be split, but child support has a huge equity component and his actions will not look good in front of a judge (especially if you have it in e-mail he refuses to marry because of the money).   

That you pay for all the child expenses is a huge fact in your favor where I live.   Frankly, have seen family court and if this guy came on with the attitude and greed he seems to be exhibiting in your relationship the judge would hand him his a**.  The family courts are already tipped against the father where I live because of guys like this.  Here it sounds like you are not just the primary care giver, but the primary needs provider for the children.  Who takes care of their school, taking them to the doctor, feeding them meals, taking care of them when sick, etc., etc., as well as paying for their day-to-day...I suspect you.

Have no idea if common law marriage has been abolished in the UK, or what tenant rights you may have.  Where I live in the US he could not just kick you and the kids out without following a formal process, even if he owns the place, especially if you contributed to expenses as that could be considered rent, also he has been getting a free ride on paying for the cost of raising his kids.  That he pays the mortgage and taxes for an asset in his name means little, it is the height of entitlement if he thinks that makes him an equal contributor.

[Taramere]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

That you pay for all the child expenses is a huge fact in your favor where I live.   Frankly, have seen family court and if this guy came on with the attitude and greed he seems to be exhibiting in your relationship the judge would hand him his a**.  The family courts are already tipped against the father where I live because of guys like this.  Here it sounds like you are not just the primary care giver, but the primary needs provider for the children.  Who takes care of their school, taking them to the doctor, feeding them meals, taking care of them when sick, etc., etc., as well as paying for their day-to-day...I suspect you.

Have no idea if common law marriage has been abolished in the UK, or what tenant rights you may have.  Where I live in the US he could not just kick you and the kids out without following a formal process, even if he owns the place, especially if you contributed to expenses as that could be considered rent, also he has been getting a free ride on paying for the cost of raising his kids.  That he pays the mortgage and taxes for an asset in his name means little, it is the height of entitlement if he thinks that makes him an equal contributor.

She's in the UK.  UK wide, it used to be possible to get a declarator of marriage if a court agreed that you were married by cohabitation and repute...but that required something more than simply living together.  Other people had to be under the impression that you were actually married.  These irregular forms of marriage have been abolished now.  

I certainly agree that his attitude would be likely to draw disapproving comments from a judge, but the only situation where I can see this ending up in court would be if there was a quarrel about contact and residence (re the children).  In the UK, the issue of child support is dealt with via a Government agency called the Child Maintenance Service.  If she separated from this guy, the CMS would calculate his liability in terms of child support - and if he failed to pay it, they'd be the ones to chase him for it .   

If there were a dispute about contact/residence re the children, it's hard to imagine the OP failing to get residence (unless there were circumstances she hasn't told us about) but more usually fathers are looking for contact orders rather than residence orders.  If a father isn't paying child support, a lawyer might use that to demonstrate that he's irresponsible - but unless there were risk factors or other reasons for the judge to think a contact order wasn't in the child's interests, failure on his part to pay sufficient child support wouldn't prevent a judge from making a contact order.  Moreoever, if a mother withheld contact due to that failure to pay child support, she'd likely be berated for it.   Withholding contact for leverage is a big no no in family courts here (as I suspect it also is pretty much everywhere else).  But the bottom line is that if she does split up with him and he isn't paying proper child support, she can go to the CMS about it and get them to chase him.   People can go to prison in the UK for failure to pay child support.  In practice, it's not very likely - but it does happen.

From what I understand, this guy pays the mortgage and council tax, and pays for school uniforms - but Poppet pays for everything else.  It's hard to imagine she wouldn't be better off (both financially and in terms of her own self respect) if she split up with him and got her own place - which, if she bought it, would provide her with more security for the future.  Unless the guy is unemployed or on a very low wage, it seems very likely that the Child Support he'd have to pay would more than cover household bills and Council Tax.

That leaves the question, however, of what the impact of the children would be on their parents splitting up.  When it comes to the crunch, that tends to be the most pressing issue for people.  Especially in a situation like this where there isn't going to be a question of assets being divvied up and mum having to raise an action for child support (dealt with, as I mentioned, by the CMS).  If I were her, I think I would tell him that he was going to have to step up financially and practically so that she can start making better provision for her own future - given his reluctance to enter into any long term commitment.  And if he said "I'm not going to do that" then it would be a case of "okay, well then we perhaps we can agree to go to mediation so that we can agree on child contact arrangements in preparation for us splitting up.  Or you can rethink your reluctance to make a proper commitment to family life."

Edited December 2, 2020 by Taramere

[Ruby Slippers]

18 hours ago, Whodatdog said:

What incentive is there for him?

If he were a halfway decent man, he'd want to raise his children in a legitimate family, provide for his wife and children, and give them a secure foundation in life. But it's very clear he's a poor excuse for a father and partner.

If I were the OP, I'd do everything possible to get away from him and build a better life and future for myself and my kids. Even living with a family member or friend for a while would be better than this. She might be further ahead financially with court-imposed child support payments than she is in this arrangement, where he gives the absolute bare minimum to his family.

[Sunlight72]

Hi OP, if you're still here.  I know this is an old thread.

I'm sorry to hear your man isn't following through on getting married with you, and I am proud of you for taking care of your kids and yourself as well as you have.  I wish your man was much more inclusive and thoughtful of you and your (both of your) children.

I realize this is not a legal issue for you, it is an issue of love and respect (which is a big part of healthy love).  And yet, as it has hardly been mentioned in this thread, I would like to make a point about his judgement on your lack of savings or mortgage.

For about a decade you paid for your (both of your) children's food, clothes, child care, living space, school supplies, a car big enough for them, a home big enough for them, and dozens or hundreds of other everything as it came up.  During that time, it sounds, he used his portion of that money that should have gone to your (both of your) children's lives to put into 'his' savings.

Had you been putting all the money you've paid on his behalf toward raising your (both of your) children, you would have far more than £50k or £60k.  Not to mention the THOUSANDS of hours you have spent caring for your (Both Of Your) children instead of studying to earn more in a career, or working more hours, or being more  focused on a career, or God knows - sleeping at night.  Thousands of Hours.  Thousands and Thousands of hours.

I am sure we don't have the whole story.  However, from what you have written, it is blindly and cruelly unfair of him to hold over you the "lack of savings".  He only has his savings because Y.o.u. have paid his share of raising your (Both Of Your) Children.  He should say thank you and, quite frankly, kiss your feet and kiss your ass when ever he refers to money.  You have provided his ability to put that money in the bank, and relieved him of nearly immeasurable stress in not daily caring for his children.  For a decade.

Good luck to you in building your family.  I just want to encourage you to know in your own heart that you have contributed more than he has contributed to your family, to your children's emotional and physical health and good memories and what ever they have of a stable foundation for life, AND to both his money situation and your money situation.  Good job on all that!!! 🙂

Edited December 6, 2020 by Sunlight72