Ending it gradually. Perspective from those who can't do NC

[Alexa007]

I'll try to make the background brief.  I'm in my 40's, was married at 19 (great guy but zero attraction/love for 15+years), and currently going through an amicable, mutual divorce. 

I've been with a MM for just over a year now.  We spend most days together in a work situation that allows enough privacy for intimacy several times per week.  It's the best sex I've ever had.... Borderline addictive. 

While he paints his marriage as miserable/sexless (I'm actually friends/aquaintances with his wife.  She's a good mom and lyives him... They're just very different people), he has always been upfront that he has no plans to leave (children in the picture) and I've always maintained that I have no desire to interfere (which is true but there's always that secret hope things will change). 

If we weren't together most days, I would probably end it/back off to just a friendship. The "L-word" is exchanged often but I can't change the amount we see each other and I can't imagine being with him and not being intimate. 

I've decided to try and enjoy the present, be in the moment,  enjoy the joy he brings me, and hope that someone else will come along eventually since I'm technically single, now (I've looked around a bit and it's depressing that I literally can't find anyone in even remotely attracted to as much as him and/or with the amazing personality he has) and fill a void that he will leave in me.  The idea of not hiding/sharing with another sounds glorious. 

Soooo, here's my current struggles I'd love to get perspective on from fellow OW's was well as from men. 

1) I have developed either a gut feeling or paranoia that he's having sex with his wife.  This stems from him not always wanting to with me (there might be valid reasons due to his age 40's and ptsd) and some occasional missed "goodnight" texts always occurring on the weekend.  How to mitigate the sick feeling I get when I start focusing on it? It might not even be happening.

2) He's either hot or cold.  When he's a bit standoffish physically, he almost seems to really up the emotional connection between us which ends up being bitter-sweet.  I like that our connection is so strong and he cares about my feelings when he knows I'm feeling rejected but I hate feeling pitied and the yucky feeling with not knowing what kind of day we're going to have from day to day.  

3) I guess my main goal is perspective from fellow OW who've found happiness and contentment knowing it's not a forever AND from MM who might can offer a perspective on how you felt/feel about the OW in a similar situation. 

[Mystery4me]

1) Off course he is having sex with his wife, why wouldn't he? He gets to have sex with 2 women no questions asked. A man's dream.

2) He does not care about your feelings, not sure why you think he does? He only cares about himself, that should be obvious by now. Same way he does not care about his wife.

3) Instead of looking at how other people feel about the situation, maybe you should look at how you feel about the situation. Why would you or anyone find happiness or content by being second best, the woman on the side? That shows a lack of self worth.

This whole situation is for his benefit only. He is very selfish, but you just don't see it. You are being played.

Hopefully one day you will realise this, start to take control of your own actions and find a relationship that makes you happy. You are the one deciding to continue this. You are the one with the power to end it, like you know you should, and find someone who appreciates you for you.

Life is too short. You are missing out big time and wasting your life.

[Lurker123]

Hey OP. Your situation is not dissimilar to hundreds of others on here unfortunately (myself included). Your MM has even told you he won’t be leaving- so that’s one thing at least. There is no future with this man. He won’t leave, especially when you are happy tagging along as the other woman- that gives him even less reason to! 
 

He will still be sleeping with his wife. They are married, they have a relationship and it’s happening. Ok it may not be a regular thing, but they are having sex. The days he blows cold with you, are likely the days where he’s not really thinking about you and where him and BW and the kids are having family time together. Something that always resonated with me, was something I read/watched which said that whilst he was my ‘whole world’- I was only a small part of his. So you have to remember that whilst he’s with you, you probably get his undivided- but whilst he’s with his wife, kids, friends (other women?)- they will be getting it then- and you will barely be thought of. He probably throws the odd ‘I miss you’ or ‘love you’ here and there whilst you are apart- but he knows that’s all he has to do to keep you hooked. 
 

I don’t think I’ve read any stories on here about OW who have found happiness and contentment from being an OW. Sure, there’s been the odd one who has made out that they’re happy being the bit on the side, but to be honest I’m not sure I believe them. How can any woman (or man) got through life only being half loved, being a dirty secret and constantly living in fear that it could end at any moment and that you will be left with nothing? My affair ended suddenly and I was thrown under the bus and never heard from him again after hearing from him every day for nearly 2 years. It’s not a relationship by any stretch of the imagination, no matter what you have told yourself or what MM tells you. I’m sorry for being so honest, but I’ve been where you are and I am gradually coming out the other side. I actually feel sick now at how long MM strung me along, indulging in both me and BW without a care in the world. He really thought he was the man. Now I see him for what he truly was. 
 

You also need to own your part in this. You are enabling a man to cheat on his wife and family. You are allowing him to use you and make you feel like crap on a daily basis. If he genuinely loved and cared for you, he would not be making you feel this way.

 

I think you need to take a step back, go NC and evaluate your life in a couple of weeks. It will probably be clearer once you’ve stepped away, that this is not actually what you want.

 

Good luck x 

[Alexa007]

Thank you both for the answers!!! It definitely is some eye-opening perspective. The biggest issue is that I have no choice but to see him every day... Not just see, interact closely with.  That's kind of why I'm wanting some tools to find happiness in the "now" until I'm in a better place, I guess.  I'm trying my best to view it more as a FWB situation.

 

When the affair began, it was portrayed to me as he and his wife just lived as roommates.  It's why I'm not just assuming they would be having sex but it's an issue that's been eating at me.  

Edited November 14, 2020 by Alexa007

[Patrice]

That's a common tale.  They are living as roommates - don't buy it. You are saving yourself years of pain and waiting by cutting it off.  

[Cookiesandough]

Very common tale. I have never been a married man or other woman, but this story gets told here a zillion times. He will say he is having a bad time in his marriage, a shoulder to cry on and a body to ride on. Doubtful he will leave, though. He’s just enjoying the sex with you. Having his cake and eating it too. Very unlikely he is going to blow up his life for an affair. It seems very likely he is also having sex with his wife, sure.  His moodiness could be interpreted in so many ways that it really wouldn’t be useful to speculate. Also,  you’re using the word “friend“ pretty loosely here. Anyway, I hope you learn from this and make better decisions in the future. I am sorry that you’re in the situation

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mark clemson]

 

Affairs are inherently unethical and dysfunctional - BUT, there are those who continue them anyhow. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. PLENTY of people do unethical things every day and even as a way to make a living, and you have a right to ask for support with your activities. Here you will get the support that others "feel you need," which is their "right" as responders, but I don't think many will address your questions in the way you are asking for them to be addressed. GL.

Edited November 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed commentary on other members’ responses

[Mystery4me]

7 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

Thank you both for the answers!!! It definitely is some eye-opening perspective. The biggest issue is that I have no choice but to see him every day... Not just see, interact closely with.  That's kind of why I'm wanting some tools to find happiness in the "now" until I'm in a better place, I guess.  I'm trying my best to view it more as a FWB situation.

 

When the affair began, it was portrayed to me as he and his wife just lived as roommates.  It's why I'm not just assuming they would be having sex but it's an issue that's been eating at me.  

Ok so you work together and see each other every day.. that really doesn't change much. You are still the one with the power to change things. You can tell him from now on your relationship is only professional and set boundaries and stick to them. Nobody else is going to do it for you. If you don't want it to happen yourself, it won't happen.

I just don't understand how you can't see this is all set up for his benefit, to use you.

As a man I can tell you, we will say anything to get a woman to agree to have sex with us and to make sure she doesn't feel bad so it continues. If you seriously believe him about just being 'roommates' then you are very naive.

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

Thank you both for the answers!!! It definitely is some eye-opening perspective. The biggest issue is that I have no choice but to see him every day... Not just see, interact closely with.  That's kind of why I'm wanting some tools to find happiness in the "now" until I'm in a better place, I guess.  I'm trying my best to view it more as a FWB situation.

 

When the affair began, it was portrayed to me as he and his wife just lived as roommates.  It's why I'm not just assuming they would be having sex but it's an issue that's been eating at me.  

Oh, they are having sex. I have no doubt they have been having sex all along... 

It’s not often that a man will turn down no strings attached sex. And, they have been known to say just about anything to get it. We are just roommates and we don’t have sex is about as textbook as it gets - as one poster likes to say, it’s unlikely that you would have sex with him if he told you that he loved his wife and they had wild and crazy sex every weekend! 

Consider the situation from the place of his wife, how do you think she feels about her husband having sex at work with a coworker?

Does labeling this affair as an FWB relationship make this more acceptable or more appropriate in your mind? Because if we are being blunt, you are having sex at work with another woman’s husband. 

Most people would probably agree that sex at work with a married man is not generally a wise decision... especially if you are, as you say, an acquaintance of his wife.

Reality check - it’s pretty delusional and pretty entitled to say “it’s working for me so I’m just going to try and stay in the moment...” I would suggest that a little more self reflection is in order - what do you want for your life and is this really the kind of person you want to be?

Edited November 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[Zona]

12 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

I'm actually friends/aquaintances with his wife. 

Friends don't betray each other in such an extreme manner.

[Luna66star]

I'm sorry but you are being played.  So many stories from the OW and they are identical in almost 99% of the time.

MM bored, needing some variety in his sex life, SO not paying much attention to him, etc.  MM shows what appears to be real interest in the OW, tells her all his woes in order to garner sympathy.  OW may be lonely & vulnerable which shows.  MM sees an easy target.

What follows after a few months is MM retracting his attention,  playing hot & cold  because - really this is all fun to him - and he's certainly not going to treat this woman as his GF.   

Stories abound on the pain & misery of the poor OW.  How they can't let go because of this out of the world connection.   Or so it seems.

The ending is always the same - confusion, loneliness and PTSD.  Please shut the door on this guy and only maintain a strictly professional relationship at the office.  Better yet - move to another department.

 

 

[lifeoflies]

13 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

Thank you both for the answers!!! It definitely is some eye-opening perspective. The biggest issue is that I have no choice but to see him every day... Not just see, interact closely with.  That's kind of why I'm wanting some tools to find happiness in the "now" until I'm in a better place, I guess.  I'm trying my best to view it more as a FWB situation.

 

When the affair began, it was portrayed to me as he and his wife just lived as roommates.  It's why I'm not just assuming they would be having sex but it's an issue that's been eating at me.  

Of course he’s banging his wife and he’s banging you.  This would be enjoyable on many levels for a male.  The crude verbs were deliberate and reflect, what I think is in his head (the big one)
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

1) I have developed either a gut feeling or paranoia that he's having sex with his wife.  

This isn't paranoia. It's your common sense speaking to you, and reminding you that as a married couple, they are having sex. 

Maybe it's not overly-frequent. But total abstinence? Very unlikely. I think you've unfortunately drunk his "sexless marriage" Kool-Aid because the truth (that they go at it sometimes) was too difficult to accept. He spun that tale, and you accepted it simply because you wanted to believe it. But your gut and rational mind are trying to bring you back down to earth and tell you how implausible it is. 

Unfortunately, we don't see very many happy outcomes for OW on these boards. Most are here because they're struggling the same way you are and not enjoying the role as much as they hoped. I think that deep-down, few actually believe they will wind up with their MM, but they try to twist themselves into pretzels accepting the dysfunction until they are ready to let go. The result is an emotional sh*tstorm while they come to terms with the fact that it hurts a hell of a lot more than they ever anticipated - and that their MM is not some awesome man with an amazing personality. This one isn't, either, OP. Unless the ability to deceive others and risk blowing up one's family is part of your definition of amazing personality. 

Logically, you can't just enjoy it for the moment. You're already having emotional conflict with yourself, and for good reason. Sure, the fleeting moments of attention and passion feel good - but the crash afterwards sure doesn't. What you want (to just enjoy the ride while it lasts, so to speak) is a tall order and not very realistic. You're too emotionally attached for that. So, you have to decide if you can really handle more of this. 

[Blind-Sided]

Just to reflect on point #1...

I'm a late 40's guy, and I have a late 20's GF.  She is pretty, and she is always ready to go. BUT... there are nights that I have things to accomplish, or I'm just simply tired. So... there are nights that I just don't want to have sex.  So to that point... I wouldn't read too much into that from your side.

BUT....

He's married.  Of coarse he's having sex with his wife still.  Maybe it's not a lot, or often... but he is.  If he didn't, or was refusing his wife when she was wanting it... then she would get suspicious. 

You are the OW, and you know it.  Being that person, you should also KNOW he is still 100% with his wife. (in all ways) Especially if he has told you he isn't leaving her. 

[denwickdroylsden]

With my APs, who were always married as was I, it was always understood we were having sex with our spouses. It went with the territory. You have to keep the home front happy.

But I always avoided getting into it with someone my W knew. That level of risk is off the charts. Keep it out of the family and, even better, out of town.

[Alexa007]

I'm the op.  I thought I replied but it's not showing up 🤔. 

*I* was in a sexless marriage for years (my choice) so it was feasible that he could be as well.  

Either way, I'm taking all the advice to heart and realizing just how much of an upper hand he has that I was blind to.  

Our affair is interesting.  I prefer the physical aspect while he tends to cling more to the emotional connection.  Although, there's some days he's grabbing my clothes off but most he's happy hanging out and talking.

Sigh.  I still don't know how to do this.  I'm an accomplished, attractive, confident woman who's found herself addicted to someone who isn't mine.  I don't know how to be around him and my body not react.  

There's no way for us not to be in close contact every day (I can't expound because I don't want to get too detailed, obviously).

And, just to reply to an above comment, I'm not "friends" with his wife... We are aquaintances because I work with her husband and I see her occasionally for various reasons and we're fb friends.  

Edited November 15, 2020 by Alexa007

[Zona]

15 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

  Our affair is interesting.  I prefer the physical aspect while he tends to cling more to the emotional connection.  

If your attraction to MM is mostly physical and you have less emotional attachment, why do you care if he is sleeping with his wife?

Edited November 15, 2020 by Zona

[Watercolors]

Quote

1) I have developed either a gut feeling or paranoia that he's having sex with his wife.  This stems from him not always wanting to with me (there might be valid reasons due to his age 40's and ptsd) and some occasional missed "goodnight" texts always occurring on the weekend.  How to mitigate the sick feeling I get when I start focusing on it? It might not even be happening.

2) He's either hot or cold.  When he's a bit standoffish physically, he almost seems to really up the emotional connection between us which ends up being bitter-sweet.  I like that our connection is so strong and he cares about my feelings when he knows I'm feeling rejected but I hate feeling pitied and the yucky feeling with not knowing what kind of day we're going to have from day to day.  

3) I guess my main goal is perspective from fellow OW who've found happiness and contentment knowing it's not a forever AND from MM who might can offer a perspective on how you felt/feel about the OW in a similar situation. 

1. He's married. He'll always have sex with his wife. You chose to be his affair partner. That sick feeling is you not having access to your affair partner 24/7 like you want. Maybe buy a dildo? Or hire an escort when your affair partner is not available, if you are addicted to the sex. Are you addicted just to the sex? Do you think that's the underlying issue here for you: that your sex life dried up in your loveless marriage and that the sex you have with your affair partner has revitalized you to the point where sex with him is your main goal. No emotional attachment other than the sex?

2. He's a married man. He has responsibilities at home and at work. You're just an objectified appendage to him as his affair partner. You will never be top priority to him. No matter what lies he tells you. And yes they are all lies. That's what affairs are: two adults who lie to themselves and who lie to each other. You don't get to dictate to him who he can or cannot sleep with. After all, you are cheating on his wife with him. It always astounds me when affair partners complain about not being top priority to their affair partner. Um, because you're not their spouse...

3. What an odd main goal: to have happiness and contentment as an ongoing affair partner. That doesn't seem realistic, I'm sorry to say. It's not forever and it's with a married man. Happiness and contentment is better sought with buying a cat or dog or fish to keep as a pet. But not as an affair partner. You will never feel happiness or contentment because having an affair is morally wrong. I'm sorry you are going through a divorce after 15 years of staying in a loveless marriage yourself. But I feel like you are conflating your situation with your married man's. You want to trade husbands and that's just never ever going to happen as long as he stays married to his wife. He has the best of both worlds right now: sex with his wife and sex with you. Why would a man give that up?

Edited November 15, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

20 minutes ago, Alexa007 said:

*I* was in a sexless marriage for years (my choice) so it was feasible that he could be as well.  

Either way, I'm taking all the advice to heart and realizing just how much of an upper hand he has that I was blind to.  

Our affair is interesting.  I prefer the physical aspect while he tends to cling more to the emotional connection.  Although, there's some days he's grabbing my clothes off but most he's happy hanging out and talking.

Sigh.  I still don't know how to do this.  I'm an accomplished, attractive, confident woman who's found herself addicted to someone who isn't mine.  I don't know how to be around him and my body not react.  

There's no way for us not to be in close contact every day (I can't expound because I don't want to get too detailed, obviously).

 

So, you chose to stay in your 15 year sexless marriage -- for financial reasons? What does that have to do with your affair?

The married man's "upper hand" is that he is married and will never leave his wife for you. Not sure why you are bothered by that. After all, you chose to be his affair partner and you chose to do this, knowing the consequences it would have for you, with your work life with him, and your personal life.

I don't see you taking any responsibility here. You're laying blame on the married man because that is convenient to your narrative that you want happiness and contentment as his affair partner, but he won't give that to you...because he's married.

Here's a suggestion: end the affair, hire an escort, buy a dildo, masturbate like crazy, attend a sex addiction support group, find another job at another company to get away from your affair partner, or transfer to another department.

End the affair and your problems with this situation will end. Simple as that. It's only complicated if you make it complicated. And that's because you don't want to end the affair.

[pepperbird2]

If you want to be with this guy, you're going to have to find a way to accept he's sleeping with his wife. If you can't, an affair isn't a good fit for you.

[Alexa007]

@Watercolors I've obviously hit a very sore spot with you in a forum that's for the "other woman/man".  I'm sorry you're feeling so angry at me.

There's only so much of a situation that can be explained via text and I'm probably not going the best job of it from my phone.

I'm not addicted to sex... I'm addicted to sex with *him*. I'm also in love with him so it feels sickening to think of him having sex with someone else, even though I logically know the role I chose.  I mentioned that I have a higher drive to illustrate that's it's not just about sex for us.  

I stayed in my marriage because the man was wonderful and I didn't see not being attracted to him as a viable reason to divorce.  I remained faithful all during our marriage.  

There is no other "department" to transfer to.  

I'm trying to figure out a way to end this. I really am.  Again, I knew from the beginning that he had no plans to leave his wife and I've never interfered nor would I.  

[Watercolors]

Just now, Alexa007 said:

@Watercolors I've obviously hit a very sore spot with you in a forum that's for the "other woman/man".  I'm sorry you're feeling so angry at me.

There's only so much of a situation that can be explained via text and I'm probably not going the best job of it from my phone.

I'm not addicted to sex... I'm addicted to sex with *him*. I'm also in love with him so it feels sickening to think of him having sex with someone else, even though I logically know the role I chose.  I mentioned that I have a higher drive to illustrate that's it's not just about sex for us.  

I stayed in my marriage because the man was wonderful and I didn't see not being attracted to him as a viable reason to divorce.  I remained faithful all during our marriage.  

There is no other "department" to transfer to.  

I'm trying to figure out a way to end this. I really am.  Again, I knew from the beginning that he had no plans to leave his wife and I've never interfered nor would I.  

Yes, my sore spot is lamenting affair partners. I've been cheated on by previous relationship partners, so that's where my lack of sympathy for any affair partner complaining stems from.

It's unfortunate that you are in love with a married man. But again, you need to take responsibility here and I just don't see you doing that. I don't see you publicly acknowledging that you consciously chose to have an affair with your married coworker, knowing what the consequences would be for you and he and his wife and children (if he has children).

I'm not sure how anyone on a forum could validate your experience as being "alright" because affairs are immoral. But you know this so I don't have to lecture you about it.

The way to end your affair is to tell him, "I am ending the affair." And then end it. And then set boundaries or parameters with him at work, so that you can process your feelings of limerence and go back to platonic feelings (which will be an awkward transition but it always is awkward to back track on one's feelings). Limerence is probably what you are mistaking for "love" which is so common in affairs.

Like I said, i think you are conflating your marriage with your affair partner in multiple ways for various reasons. It's to help you process going through your divorce, no matter how amicable it is, it's still the end of 15 years with the same person. So your affair partner is a place holder for you while you go through this transition in your life. That's where you are conflating your marriage/divorce with your affair. I see this all the time. That's why people have affairs. They don't want to go through a traumatic life event like a divorce alone, so they seek out an affair partner to help them through it.

[Happy Lemming]

On 11/14/2020 at 10:32 AM, Alexa007 said:

When the affair began, it was portrayed to me as he and his wife just lived as roommates.  It's why I'm not just assuming they would be having sex but it's an issue that's been eating at me.  

First off, I'm a guy, so my perspective will be from the other side of the fence.

In my youth, I dated a married woman, so I guess I was the "other man".  A mutual friend introduced us and we hit it off, right away.  I can say I was very happy and very much enjoyed every aspect of the relationship.

She too told me that her and her husband were living together as roommates and he didn't want to touch her.  She was very pretty and very sexual, I have no idea why he wasn't all over her every chance he got.  She tried everything to get him interested in sex but he didn't respond. 

She did tell me, that once we started having sex, she stopped trying to entice her husband to have sex with her and only had sex with me.  I had no reason not to believe her.

In addition to mind-blowing sex, we went on weekend trips, went dancing, camping, 4 wheeling (in her truck), etc. etc.  The whole relationship was just a lot of FUN!! Her husband worked all the time and wasn't happy unless he was at work.  Even on his days off, he would wander into work, so weekend plans with her were care-free and fun.  She also had a girlfriend that would cover for her, if the husband actually did call, but he never did.

The relationship lasted about 8 months or so when she told me she was going to try to give her marriage one last try (at his request) and broke up with me.  I was sad, but moved on with my life. 

Fast forward six months and she calls me up and tells me that she has officially called it quits with her husband and they are getting a divorce.  She wanted to get back together, but I had started dating someone else and liked the new woman I was seeing, so I declined.

 

[Mystery4me]

2 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

@Watercolors I've obviously hit a very sore spot with you in a forum that's for the "other woman/man".  I'm sorry you're feeling so angry at me.

There's only so much of a situation that can be explained via text and I'm probably not going the best job of it from my phone.

I'm not addicted to sex... I'm addicted to sex with *him*. I'm also in love with him so it feels sickening to think of him having sex with someone else, even though I logically know the role I chose.  I mentioned that I have a higher drive to illustrate that's it's not just about sex for us.  

I stayed in my marriage because the man was wonderful and I didn't see not being attracted to him as a viable reason to divorce.  I remained faithful all during our marriage.  

There is no other "department" to transfer to.  

I'm trying to figure out a way to end this. I really am.  Again, I knew from the beginning that he had no plans to leave his wife and I've never interfered nor would I.  

You say you remained faithful during your marriage, I'm assuming because you knew it was the right thing to do, the moral thing to do, as you didn't want to hurt your husband because he was wonderful.

And here you are, 'in love' with someone who thinks the complete opposite of you, who is happy to cheat on his wife, for his own benefit, without a care in the world about how she would feel and how you feel.

Don't you see how bad that is? Not only because he's the complete opposite of everything you stood for morally, but even if you did get with him, marry him, he would most likely do the same to you as he is doing to her.

How can you love someone like that? Either you have extremely low standards or you have very low self worth.

Oh and your body doesn't just 'take over'. That's an excuse. You choose to let it happen.

[Allupinnit]

The only way to break things off and move on with your life is to look for another job and delete/block them both from your social media.

I know you'll say you can't quit for XYZ reasons but unfortunately this is what happens when you go fishing off the company pier.  It encroaches itself into every corner of your life so that you have no escape.  

If you break it off but remain in your job it will only be a matter of time before you end up being intimate again and around you go - so goes the incredibly addictive nature of affairs that you pretend only exists in your bubble.  Then years have gone by and you're an emotional wreck paying a therapist to help you understand where you went wrong, your coworkers find out and your reputation is shot and you're still alone - this is what you're looking forward to if you do not get away from this man.