Ending it gradually. Perspective from those who can't do NC

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

I knew from the beginning that he had no plans to leave his wife and I've never interfered nor would I.  

You already are. 

I get what you meant by the above, but by agreeing to be a married man's mistress, you are very much interfering. You're a participant in something that could destroy his family. That is interference, even if it's not the direct sort you were probably referring to. Not interfering would mean refusing this guy from the get-go. 

I think once you start seeing this man for who he really is, the sheen and flattery of his admiration will wear off quickly.  It won't feel so great when the fog begins to lift and you realize he's a run-of-the-mill philanderer, and that you're not and never will be his priority (based on the fact that he's been clear that he has not intention of leaving his marriage) It won't feel so thrilling as the months continue to wear on, slowing draining on. 

And it sure won't feel great if the day comes that his wife somehow catches on and he suddenly pulls back or puts a stop to it altogether. Or if it explodes much more dramatically and all your social media mutuals find out what you've been up to when she puts you on blast a lot more publicly than you ever expected. I've seen it happen to a friend of mine, who was sleeping with a married man (another acquaintance's husband, and yes, FB friend of hers). None of us had any clue about this... until we woke up one morning to see her private text messages to him copied and pasted all over FB by his angry wife, who'd tagged her in them and let the online world know all about it. We had to notify her and tell her to log on to her FB as there was something she needed to see...by then, she'd already been contacted by several family members, colleagues and random friends who saw all of this before she did. MM had sworn up and down to her that he always deleted their messages. Guess not (or the wife was able to retrieve them, which is not that hard to do, either) 

Keep in mind the gigantic risk you're taking here. 

[Alexa007]

2 hours ago, Mystery4me said:

You say you remained faithful during your marriage, I'm assuming because you knew it was the right thing to do, the moral thing to do, as you didn't want to hurt your husband because he was wonderful.

And here you are, 'in love' with someone who thinks the complete opposite of you, who is happy to cheat on his wife, for his own benefit, without a care in the world about how she would feel and how you feel.

Don't you see how bad that is? Not only because he's the complete opposite of everything you stood for morally, but even if you did get with him, marry him, he would most likely do the same to you as he is doing to her.

How can you love someone like that? Either you have extremely low standards or you have very low self worth.

Oh and your body doesn't just 'take over'. That's an excuse. You choose to let it happen.

@Mystery4me I'm going to cling to something you said... Basically, while I've had him on a pedestal not being able to imagine my life without him and fantasizing about us being together one day... I need to take off my rose colored glasses and be thankful I'm not his wife instead of wishing it were me.... 

[Alexa007]

Earlier today, I (currently an OW) posted trying to get help navigating all the hurt that comes with being the OW (link to thread added).  Y'all steered me in a different direction and, after reaching through pages of threads on here, I'm dumbfounded at how similar my "special" relationship is to all the others 😭. 

I know it needs to end.  I'm aware that the best way would be NC but that's impossible (I can't get too detailed but trust that it's impossible... Not just an 'I don't want to'. )

The MM has already been pulling away a bit (but who knows what next week might bring, since he's hot and cold which I see is super common). 

I'm thinking of doing this gradually at first (selfish reasons... Some major life events are happening over the next couple of weeks that I don't think I can handle on top of a breakup and I want to gather support from the one and only friend that I've considered to).

We will still have to be around each other.  

While I understand the anger towards OW and took my hits on the other thread like a big girl, I'm really needing tools to help me be successful in the environment I have to work with. 

One thing that was a wake-up call was a simple comment pointing out that a future with this man would likely end in heartache (more than I already am experiencing). 

Former OW, I would love to hear your perspective-changes that helped you get through ending things with the MM when you still had to see him. 

 

[MsJayne]

Affairs are no good for anyone and just speak volumes of the dysfunction and unhappiness in the lives of the people who get involved in them. I was once, (very regrettably - it's still an ugly stain on my life), the OW, and when I woke up and realised how I'd been played I was peeved, but not as peeved as I was about the fact that I had no right to be angry about it. I would always encourage women in this situation to get themselves out of it asap, it's very important that you be the one to end it. Find another job if you have to. What you call "joy" is actually just desperation being momentarily stilled.  You're not friends with his wife, you're actually her worst enemy, all the more so because you're feigning friendship while you're plotting the destruction of her marriage and family. 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You already are. 

By agreeing to be a married man's mistress, you are very much interfering. You're a participant in something that could destroy his family. Not interfering would mean refusing this guy from the get-go. 

This. Your very existence is putting the stability and well being of this family at risk. That is the very definition of interference. 

Alexa, you say that you are not “friends” with his wife, you are merely “acquaintances” and “Facebook friends.” You can minimize this if you want, it doesn’t change the fact that you are engaging in behavior that if/when discovered is likely to have a disastrous effect on this woman and her children. As was previously said, you are a participant in something that could destroy a family. 

You are getting your kicks, at the expense of this man’s wife and children. They just don’t know it, yet. 

It’s a heavy price you are asking them to pay. I hope the sex is worth it. 
 

Edited November 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

You work together? Well the only way to rebuild your own life apart from him and his wife is to get some outside support from friends, family and therapists.

Read up on " love and sex addiction"  Google it.. It fills voids that you are leaving open.

It may be best to stay off infidelity sites. Some of them are similar to stoning people to death who commit adultery. 

A trained licensed qualified therapist can help you navigate this better than a room full of very angry random people.

Edited November 16, 2020 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

How does one stop drinking while continuing to go out to the bars to party with friends? 

It’s hard. That why most people who are serious about abstaining from alcohol make a lifestyle change, cultivate new friendships, and remove themselves from high risk environments. 

I honestly don’t know if you can end the relationship while continuing to work together. I’m not saying this to discourage you, I’m just being realistic. It may be that one of the consequences of the decision to engage in a workplace affair is that you need to update your resume and find another job. If the two of you are not able to maintain an appropriate boundary at work, it’s something you will have to consider. 

The suggestion to find a therapist above is a good one, although, I wouldn’t say the people on this site are angry... people are supportive, they just don’t enable wishful thinking... Best wishes. 

Edited November 16, 2020 by BaileyB

[notbroken]

As long as you are with him, you won't find someone unattached that you can be truly happy with.   He is wasting your previous time (ie. you are letting him waste your precious time).    When you are alone on the holidays instead of with your new unattached boyfriend it should be obvious you should dump him - including changing jobs if that is what it takes.   He absolutely IS having sex with his wife.   That should not be a surprise.   YOU are the surprise.  Don't stay with him another second if you expect to find happiness. 

[Timshel]

On 11/14/2020 at 11:12 AM, Alexa007 said:

2) He's either hot or cold.  When he's a bit standoffish physically, he almost seems to really up the emotional connection between us which ends up being bitter-sweet.  I like that our connection is so strong and he cares about my feelings when he knows I'm feeling rejected but I hate feeling pitied and the yucky feeling with not knowing what kind of day we're going to have from day to day.  

 

 

On 11/15/2020 at 10:42 AM, Alexa007 said:

*I* was in a sexless marriage for years (my choice) so it was feasible that he could be as well.  

Either way, I'm taking all the advice to heart and realizing just how much of an upper hand he has that I was blind to.  

Our affair is interesting.  I prefer the physical aspect while he tends to cling more to the emotional connection.  Although, there's some days he's grabbing my clothes off but most he's happy hanging out and talking.

Sigh.  I still don't know how to do this.  I'm an accomplished, attractive, confident woman who's found herself addicted to someone who isn't mine.  I don't know how to be around him and my body not react.  

There's no way for us not to be in close contact every day (I can't expound because I don't want to get too detailed, obviously).

And, just to reply to an above comment, I'm not "friends" with his wife... We are aquaintances because I work with her husband and I see her occasionally for various reasons and we're fb friends.  

First, your sexless marriage (your choice) demonstrates a rather calculating disposition of romantic relationships; 19 yrs.? 

He does not have the upper hand in this affair Alexa, you do.

Your married affair partner has been astronomically foolish, achilles heel for some men; you work with him and are an acquaintance (fb/social set) of his wife.  You could quite literally destroy his whole life.  Alexa, do you wonder if his kindness is sincere?

If you genuinely care for this man and want to keep your current work, let him off the hook.  Stop the affair and assure him that his indiscretions are safe.  He has been very foolish, so have you but he has much more to lose.

Individual counseling is something that could help you to process your divorce and this affair.  You need to work on establishing healthy relationships with men and people in general.  I have a thought that you have had some trauma that a professional will help you unpack.

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Timshel said:

Your married affair partner has been astronomically foolish, achilles heel for some men; you work with him and are an acquaintance (fb/social set) of his wife.  You could quite literally destroy his whole life

Maybe but I guess it is a calculated risk.
He knows Alexa loves him.
He knows she will say nothing.
He has set up a nice little arrangement at work that doesn't involve all the usual risks of an affair.
No sneaking around, no big lies to get out of the house, no "working late" nights, no hiding of dining out/gift expenses, no skulking around or travelling miles to avoid being recognised  out on the town with his OW.
The affair is all nicely comparmentalised at work. 
His needs are getting met and his wife will not suspect a thing, why would she?
He is at work.

[Timshel]

I doubt calculated, I mean to say I would not believe pragmatic thought behind any of this.

How would Alexa know the difference? I quoted that he becomes 'more emotionally involved' when he has withdrawn physically. This is a balancing act to appease, imo.

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Timshel said:

he becomes 'more emotionally involved' when he has withdrawn physically. This is a balancing act to appease, imo.

Of course, he has a nice little set up here, he will do his best to not rock any boats.
He wants to keep the OP on board but also wants to extinguish any unrealistic expectations...

[LeoLady888]

Alexa,

You said   

Quote

 I'm trying to figure out a way to end this. I really am. 

Then tell him just that - simple. Trust me,  if it continues she will find out.

I am a BW and when my exH was having an affair he wanted more sex not less - that why I got suspicious.

When I found out what was going on I threw him out and filed for divorce.

Is that what you want another woman's cast-offs?

Your choice.

[Timshel]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

He knows she will say nothing.
 

He knows nothing of the sort.

48 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Of course, he has a nice little set up here, he will do his best to not rock any boats.
He wants to keep the OP on board but also wants to extinguish any unrealistic expectations...

We agree, I think the silly man is terrified.  Alexa is in love and her married man is having sleepless nights how to keep his affair from blowing everything up and he won't turn her down while he figures it out.

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Timshel said:

He knows nothing of the sort.

If she loves him he can assume she will say nothing in order to keep the affair going.
One word and it could all be over in an instant, she may indeed lose her job too, he is I guess willing to take that risk.

[pepperbird2]

Op,

in the end , you're the one who is going to have to live with the fallout of all of this. Basedon your words, it doesn't sound like an affair is a relationship style that you would normally get involved in. what was it about this situation that's different? Is it really this particular guy, is it the situation or is it something else?If he were single do you think you would fall for him this hard? Is part of the attraction that he's "safe"...he can't be with you 100 percent?

 

[Timshel]

2 hours ago, Timshel said:

Stop the affair and assure him that his indiscretions are safe.  He has been very foolish, so have you but he has much more to lose.

 

 

1 hour ago, LeoLady888 said:

Alexa,

You said   

Then tell him just that - simple. Trust me,  if it continues she will find out.

 

 

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Of course, he has a nice little set up here, he will do his best to not rock any boats.
He wants to keep the OP on board but also wants to extinguish any unrealistic expectations...

@elaine567, you think mm is content to carry on and I think he is figuring a way out of the mess he made with his penis.  We are probably both correct. Either way, Alexa loses.

[gamon]

On 11/14/2020 at 11:12 AM, Alexa007 said:

 I've always maintained that I have no desire to interfere (which is true but there's always that secret hope things will change). 
 

Of course you're interfering. You're TRESPASSING.

 

 

 

[kismetkismet]

On 11/14/2020 at 8:12 AM, Alexa007 said:

I've decided to try and enjoy the present, be in the moment,  enjoy the joy he brings me, and hope that someone else will come along eventually since I'm technically single, now (I've looked around a bit and it's depressing that I literally can't find anyone in even remotely attracted to as much as him and/or with the amazing personality he has) and fill a void that he will leave in me.  The idea of not hiding/sharing with another sounds glorious. 

PP's have given great advice on other aspects, so I'll just speak to the above. Unless you are very polyamorous by nature, you are EXTREMELY unlikely to find or fall for anyone else while you're carrying on your affair with the MM. You are in love with him and actively entertaining those feelings on a daily basis. He takes up way too much space in your head, your heart, and your day to day life for you to be open to meeting anyone else. Any tiny spark that you have with someone else will seem like nothing compared to the feelings that you already have for this MM. And since you spend so much time with him, you'll forget about that spark as soon as it passes. You won't bother making time for it or chasing it to see where it goes because it will seem like too much work, or like it's not worth it since it doesn't compare to the MM.

To find love you really have to open yourself up to it. You have to have room for it in your life. Starting out new relationships takes time and emotional investment and right now all of that energy is already being used up by the MM. 

If you genuinely want to find someone else, you need to end this and get over him FIRST. Stop using your work as an excuse. I know it's complicated, but it's your life. You're the one that's only getting half your needs met while he doubles up with you and his wife. He's going to keep using you until you stop letting him. 

[Whaatamidoing]

Its interesting because I know where you come from, I am in the exact same position, even down to the work situation.

I am so aware of all the emotions you are feeling and ultimately why you are here. Looking for someone to say, no of course he's not sleeping with his wife you are being silly, he will change his current outlook and all of a sudden decide he wants to be committed to you. By writing down that you are ok with being the other woman, it does not mean that you are ok with being the other woman.

Just because you are knowingly the other woman, it doesn't mean that all your natural emotions are not valid. Jealousy is a difficult one, knowing he is married, knowing he is happy enough in his marriage not to leave for you, is likely worse than the jealousy felt in a 'normal' relationship because that jealousy would never be validated. A man in a committed relationship when asked whether he is sleeping with someone else would lie, he would want to preserve the happiness of his gf/wife so therefore would not admit to it. In an affair, its obvious that's what he's is doing and therefore the jealousy comes from knowing the truth and not having the ability to object because you knew from the outset he was committed to someone else.

The part I have found the most difficult to deal with over the years is exactly this. Not being lied to. I have decided that ignorance is definitely bliss. I have heard their telephone conversations when she says she's been to the hairdressers and she's kept it long for him because he told her that's how he likes it. My life was far easier not knowing the little details. He told me that she has this photo of him saved dressed as batman so when he calls her it comes up on screen. As the other woman, we are supposed to smile and accept that we shouldn't feel when we are presented with these situations but guess what, we are human too. He wouldn't go home and tell her the photo i have in my phone of him when he rings me because he wouldn't want to deal with her reaction. A valid one because he is committed to her.

So what it seems like everyone else is saying is that we are conditioned to accept that our feelings are not valid because its punishment for being involved in a situation we know is wrong. 

I'm a nice person, other than I got involved with a married man. I accept that he sleeps with his wife, I would be foolish to think any different and it does drive me crazy but I have accepted that I am not even second on his list, I am likely 6th in order of priority and importance. 

I make him laugh, we have good sex and are genuinely best friends but he is married, he has children and I wouldn't want to be the woman they hate for breaking up their parents above how much I want to be with him.

I think you either accept where you are, deal with your emotions or you get the hell out of there.

Im working on getting the hell out of there as the jealousy and realisation that I will never be no. 1 and needing to vent when I feel things have all become too much, I speak from 7 years experience.

For those of you that think the once the kids are old enough line is for real, its not. Once they turn 18, he and his wife will have commitments to pay for their university, then they will meet partners and they will go on older family holidays where the kids bring their girl/boy friends, and then it will be attending weddings as Mother & Father of the bride and then they will experience becoming grandparents together.

We, as other woman will never play the part that their wife is blissfully undertaking, we will watch and hear and expect to be ok, because, after all, we got involved with someone who was already taken.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss and I suggest if you want to live in the moment, then stop asking questions.

And after all, he never said he would leave.

[Crazelnut]

OP, you speak as if your affair is something that is happening TO you. And that your body's desires are compelling you to have sex with this MM. That is an utter load of horse poop. You are in complete control of your life. If you don't want to live as his dirty little secret, wasting your years, with no chance of being emotionally available to a single man, you make that choice. You learn some self-control and put an end to the affair.

It may seem hot and exciting, but it won't be so great when you realize he's also banging his wife, going on vacation with her, and only giving you a little piece of his life. While you sit alone on Christmas, waiting for that text he sneaks away to type. A text which only takes 10 seconds to send. Or maybe you get none at all, because he's with HER all day. You say it's the sex, but you're already in way deeper than that.

You can save yourself a lot of heartache if you exercise your free will and agency and simply choose not to do what you are doing. 

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

 

It may seem hot and exciting, but it won't be so great when you realize he's also banging his wife, going on vacation with her, and only giving you a little piece of his life. While you sit alone on Christmas, waiting for that text he sneaks away to type. A text which only takes 10 seconds to send. Or maybe you get none at all, because he's with HER all day. 

The text that he probably sends while sitting on the toilet. Very sexy.... 

[Beca L]

29 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

The text that he probably sends while sitting on the toilet. Very sexy.... 

yes I used to get lots of those, sad but so true. 

[SS2855]

8 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

He told me that she has this photo of him saved dressed as batman so when he calls her it comes up on screen. As the other woman, we are supposed to smile and accept that we shouldn't feel when we are presented with these situations but guess what, we are human too.

@WhaatamidoingTHIS. I have significant incidents that I’ve held on to similar to this that have destroyed me during the relationship where I felt I had to grin and be ok with, because in the end it’s what I signed up for. This includes asking to sign as a witness on mortgage documents for MM and his wife’s new summer home (the memory still makes me ill) to having to see “date night” and terms of endearment he’s tagged in on social media when just 24 hours prior he was lamenting to me “I love you, I need you”. I couldn’t get upset because well that’s what I signed up for right? I had to choke it down and smile and say “omg so exciting how fun!”. Yes I took the role on but my point is that when in this role you accept that your feelings just do not matter. 

[SS2855]

8 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

'm a nice person, other than I got involved with a married man. I accept that he sleeps with his wife, I would be foolish to think any different and it does drive me crazy but I have accepted that I am not even second on his list, I am likely 6th in order of priority and importance. 

Same. It dawned on me that I was likely not even #2- I believe I was cared and still cared for, but on the list it’s not just wife at #1 but then comes kids, family, best friends who truly know him inside and out. We do not as we only see what they let us see. Sorry to thread-jack but I am in the same situation but about done and just trying to find reminders each day on why it makes every sense in the world to never look back. Nothing and I mean nothing positive comes out of this.