Relationship OCD

[robaday]

I am a male and realise that most of my relationships I lose myself. It normally sets in around the 6 month mark. I overthink to the extent it becomes painful to stay. When I am single for a decent period I don't have this problem. It's almost like depression at it's worst where I am unable to do anything else but think about it. I do have hobbies, friends, work, workout, study, I'm pretty well rounded otherwise. Does anyone else have it? It's really damaging to me and to the person on the other end when it finally all comes out through long emails, or overthinking etc

[Wiseman2]

At 6mos or so the rosy glow and high can wear off.

If you want to be single and date casually, that's fine. 

It's best to slow down, have good interpersonal boundaries and pace yourself.

It's also important to screen for red flags 🚩 and cut your losses.

There's no need for "long emails"

Are you talking about in person situations?

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, robaday said:

 I overthink to the extent it becomes painful to stay.

It's really damaging to me and to the person on the other end when it finally all comes out through long emails, or overthinking etc

Overthink what?  

At 6 months you really only have to be thinking about whether this person is still fun to be with.  You don't have to plan your whole life.  You should know if the person is definitely not for you but you really don't have to plan much further than the next 3 -6 months.  

Learn to communicate throughout the relationship.  Let off any built up steam.  Do not save it all up & let it burst forth like some volcano. 

Do not send emotionally laden emails or texts.  If you must write out your feelings to sort & organize them, keep a journal.   Emotional conversations about the relationship require non-verbal communication:  tone, eye contact (or avoidance), body language etc.   You lose all that with the written word & whatever you are trying to get across comes across as harsh & a fight ensues.  

[robaday]

It depends, if I am really into them it's whether I am putting my best side forward, repeating conversations I have had that could have gone better etc. Even after breaking off with someone I still care about I wonder if I have made the right decision, if I have done the right thing for both of us.

[Miss Spider]

19 hours ago, robaday said:

I am a male and realise that most of my relationships I lose myself. It normally sets in around the 6 month mark. I overthink to the extent it becomes painful to stay. When I am single for a decent period I don't have this problem. It's almost like depression at it's worst where I am unable to do anything else but think about it. I do have hobbies, friends, work, workout, study, I'm pretty well rounded otherwise. Does anyone else have it? It's really damaging to me and to the person on the other end when it finally all comes out through long emails, or overthinking etc

Wow. I completely relate to this 100%, except I’m a woman. I lose myself, feel depressed and stuck, and really badly want to be alone again for peace. Ending it is very damaging to the point I’ve resolved to just be single indefinitely.   I think it is around three months for me though. It would be unusual to be six months. I do have high standards for my relationships in an ideal sense. 
 

Were you an only child? Dif you keep to yourself a lot as a kid? 

Edited November 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[robaday]

I kept to myself mainly, but had two sisters. Very introverted, I overthink too much in general

[d0nnivain]

51 minutes ago, robaday said:

It depends, if I am really into them it's whether I am putting my best side forward, repeating conversations I have had that could have gone better etc. Even after breaking off with someone I still care about I wonder if I have made the right decision, if I have done the right thing for both of us.

Cut yourself a break. Everybody makes gaffs. 

Here's the part nobody tells you:  the other person is so focused on themselves that they never see or hear mistakes you make.  Unless those mistakes are truly glaring & cause a fight or cause the other person to stop talking to you, at most the silent acknowledgement is wow, at least I'm not the only one who goofs.   

So stop repeating these conversation over to see if they could have gone better.  Every conversation you have with anyone could go better if you have a screenwriter feeding you the words & a director who let you have multiple takes.  Life doesn't work like that -- it's live, you don't get a dress rehearsal.  Mistakes happen.  Be nicer to yourself & let the minor stuff go. 

You also can't do the right thing for somebody else.  Not your place.  You have to make the relationship decisions that work for YOU.  If you had valid reasons for ending a relationship, that is all there is to it.   If you think you were being too judgmental, too picky, too selfish, too rigid, too something, about something that caused you to break up, next time before you break up, do your soul searching & critical analysis before you end things.   If you think it through & conclude that a break up is best, then it was best. 

As for the post break up wondering, it's what I like to call a break up version of buyer's remorse.  You second guess yourself.   We all do it.  Change is hard.  The reality of being alone again makes you wonder if you did the right thing because when in a relationship even a bad one, there is somebody else there.  There is comfort in their presence even in a sick way.  But when you do the analysis before the break up you can fall back on logic when you are feeling nostalgic.