soccerguy1978 Posted November 16, 2020 Share Posted November 16, 2020 Would like to get both female and male perspective. Looking for a definition/explanation "in your own words" of dating as friends because to me/in my opinion, it seems the two would almost be exclusive. If you are dating, you are a little more than friends. If you happen to check out this topic, I'd love some info and opinions Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2020 Share Posted November 16, 2020 It's a mis-use of the word "friends". Yes I know "love is friendship that has caught fire" but that just confuses the issue. If 2 people are just friends it should be purely platonic, little to no flirting & absolutely no physical kissing on the lips, cuddling, or sex of any sort -- penetrative, oral or digital. Just no. If you are "friends with benefits" that is lots of sex with little to no emotion. You are not in love. It's just a physical release not a joining of souls. Kindness & common courtesy are helpful but you're not having long, deep talks or gazing into each other's eyes over candlelight. I think the phrase as you used it -- dating as friends -- could mean something casual; it could mean the one person accompanies the other to a dated event like a wedding or office party where it's uncomfortable to be solo in a coupled up world. Some people talk about "friends first" but what they really are trying to convey is that they prefer a foundation & want to get to know somebody as a person before falling into bed for sex. Given all those possible variations all you can do is ask the person who said that what they mean by it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 It's a contradiction in terms. Perhaps I would be of more help if you told us why you ask. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 In my experience, people who use the term want to pick and choose the specific parts of dating they want and discard the parts they don't want. It only "works" when both parties are aligned on what parts are included and excluded. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 8 hours ago, soccerguy1978 said: dating as friends. Are either of you recently divorced? Are you attracted to her? If you are hanging out as friends, it's the friend zone. If you are hanging out and having sex it's FWB. If you are recently dating but haven't had sex yet, where do you want this to go? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 Dating friends is an oxymoron 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerguy1978 Posted November 17, 2020 Author Share Posted November 17, 2020 11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Are either of you recently divorced? Are you attracted to her? If you are hanging out as friends, it's the friend zone. If you are hanging out and having sex it's FWB. If you are recently dating but haven't had sex yet, where do you want this to go? 1.I'm never been married; don't know about her. 2. somewhat. Only met her once, not even sure she remembers who I am. as I mentioned above, I'm into her a little. I was hoping at some point to get to know her a little more as a friend (yeah, I know, that likely leads into the infamous "friendzone"but I have also heard that friendship is a good start to a relationship) and then take things slowly if she is available and willing to give me a shot at being more than friends. thanks for all the input. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 17, 2020 Share Posted November 17, 2020 You can get to know someone gradually. That is a good thing. Stop being afraid of the emotionally laden word "date". A date is just a prearranged time for two people to spend some time getting to know each other. Remove the pressure & spend time with her. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 On 11/17/2020 at 1:31 AM, d0nnivain said: It's a mis-use of the word "friends". Yes I know "love is friendship that has caught fire" but that just confuses the issue. If 2 people are just friends it should be purely platonic, little to no flirting & absolutely no physical kissing on the lips, cuddling, or sex of any sort -- penetrative, oral or digital. Just no. If you are "friends with benefits" that is lots of sex with little to no emotion. You are not in love. It's just a physical release not a joining of souls. Kindness & common courtesy are helpful but you're not having long, deep talks or gazing into each other's eyes over candlelight. I think the phrase as you used it -- dating as friends -- could mean something casual; it could mean the one person accompanies the other to a dated event like a wedding or office party where it's uncomfortable to be solo in a coupled up world. Some people talk about "friends first" but what they really are trying to convey is that they prefer a foundation & want to get to know somebody as a person before falling into bed for sex. Given all those possible variations all you can do is ask the person who said that what they mean by it. I agree with all of this but the issue with dating as friends is really it will just be another version of friend zone, intellectual attraction perhaps with no physical attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 I do not think it is possible to turn a friend into a date, really I do not. Its like saying you can turn an orange into an apple or that a you can stir a cup of tea with a power tool. The concepts seem mutually exclusive to me and nothing I have experienced suggests its possible to cross from one to the other. The problem really a person looking for a date has friends usually and they are not looking for more. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 19, 2020 Share Posted November 19, 2020 There are friends and there are friends. There are friends where dating/attraction/sex is never considered, where one has friend-zoned the other or there is "something" that makes the possibility of anything "more" impossible. Then there are friends who are sailing very close to the wind, there is attraction, the possibility of sex is not an alien concept and all they really need is a push of some sort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerguy1978 Posted November 20, 2020 Author Share Posted November 20, 2020 On 11/19/2020 at 3:04 PM, elaine567 said: There are friends and there are friends. There are friends where dating/attraction/sex is never considered, where one has friend-zoned the other or there is "something" that makes the possibility of anything "more" impossible.Then there are friends who are sailing very close to the wind, there is attraction, the possibility of sex is not an alien concept and all they really need is a push of some sort. So is this saying its possible and even beneficial to be friends first with someone you're interested in? I am reading a book by relationship counselor/author Debra Fileta and her opinion is it is good for a relationship to start as friends or have a foundation of friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 21, 2020 Share Posted November 21, 2020 (edited) The word ‘friend’ is defined as a bond without the romantic attraction. If the romantic attraction is present, then that is diametrically opposed to a ‘friend’ . This is a woman that you have romantic interest in that you haven’t started dating yet. If you want to take it slow, that is fine. Edited November 21, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted November 22, 2020 Share Posted November 22, 2020 I have found that initial friendships can turn into sexual encounters, perhaps years later even, Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerguy1978 Posted November 23, 2020 Author Share Posted November 23, 2020 On 11/21/2020 at 12:47 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said: The word ‘friend’ is defined as a bond without the romantic attraction. If the romantic attraction is present, then that is diametrically opposed to a ‘friend’ . This is a woman that you have romantic interest in that you haven’t started dating yet. If you want to take it slow, that is fine. I've got the friendship ball rolling a little more today. Now, she'll remember who I am. I didn't actually ask her out yet as we barely know each other and I think I would just come off as overly aggressive or coming on too strong. If starting out as friends has already put me into the friends only, I will have to take that chance because I think some romantic relationships start as friendships. I have romantic interest and attraction but obviously I have little clue if she does or not. I guess time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 9 minutes ago, soccerguy1978 said: I've got the friendship ball rolling a little more today. Now, she'll remember who I am. I didn't actually ask her out yet as we barely know each other and I think I would just come off as overly aggressive or coming on too strong. If starting out as friends has already put me into the friends only, I will have to take that chance because I think some romantic relationships start as friendships. I have romantic interest and attraction but obviously I have little clue if she does or not. I guess time will tell. You have romantic interest and attraction, but you don’t know if she only sees you as a friend. You are playing the long game, so I suppose it’s a risk you must take. Good luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author soccerguy1978 Posted November 23, 2020 Author Share Posted November 23, 2020 3 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: You have romantic interest and attraction, but you don’t know if she only sees you as a friend. You are playing the long game, so I suppose it’s a risk you must take. Good luck ! Thanks. I don't really have a short and quick game. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 23, 2020 Share Posted November 23, 2020 7 hours ago, soccerguy1978 said: Thanks. I don't really have a short and quick game. That's fine. It's ok to scope things out a bit first and get a sense of things before asking her out. When you do get a sense that she's available and interested, you can suggest a low key coffee. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovebooks Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 (edited) On 11/16/2020 at 6:31 PM, d0nnivain said: It's a mis-use of the word "friends". Yes I know "love is friendship that has caught fire" but that just confuses the issue. If 2 people are just friends it should be purely platonic, little to no flirting & absolutely no physical kissing on the lips, cuddling, or sex of any sort -- penetrative, oral or digital. Just no. If you are "friends with benefits" that is lots of sex with little to no emotion. You are not in love. It's just a physical release not a joining of souls. Kindness & common courtesy are helpful but you're not having long, deep talks or gazing into each other's eyes over candlelight. I think the phrase as you used it -- dating as friends -- could mean something casual; it could mean the one person accompanies the other to a dated event like a wedding or office party where it's uncomfortable to be solo in a coupled up world. Some people talk about "friends first" but what they really are trying to convey is that they prefer a foundation & want to get to know somebody as a person before falling into bed for sex. Given all those possible variations all you can do is ask the person who said that what they mean by it. I hate to be a party pooper but waiting for sex until you're married is really a good idea. Sorry. Maybe take it for a test drive after you're engaged. Edited January 9, 2021 by lovebooks Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts