An almost 10 month update ~ I am still grieving. Husband/Neighbor situation.

[peachpie]

It's been 9 1/2 months since I discovered my husband and next door neighbor had a secret 1:1 texting friendship. My phone bill only went as far back as 16 months but within that time frame, they had 181 private 1:1 exchanges, including a good 10 Friday phone calls from her ~ when he worked from home ~ for him to go over to her house, 1:1, to help her with various projects. He is NOT a handyman. Everything was a secret. I was at work and her husband was at work.

I talked about this in the past on this board, and people instantly said to divorce him or get over it ~ I have children, a disabled child, I have a religion. We've been married over 20 years. You just don't divorce over assumptions of what they talked about. I don't have the tangible evidence and that's what's driving me INSANE.

For YEARS my husband randomly said what a lucky woman I was because he's SO faithful. That was a clue that he wasn't because I discovered sex jokes on his phone in 2012 with a woman while we were on a family vacation, and I saw on his work laptop that right at the start of work, they'd message nonstop back and forth with more sex jokes from him. He'd start every email with, "Good morning, my dear." He insisted he's a funny guy ~ which he is ~ and he was being funny, and she was "a mess" and he was simply passing the time at work. I believed him until he said to our marriage counselor last February that what he had with that woman was MORE than what he had with the neighbor. I was shocked to hear that because in 2012 I believed him when he said it was all in good fun and factory humor ~ I didn't know he was connected with her emotionally. Once that slipped out, he refused to go back to counseling, and I am suffering.

Getting back to the current situation ~ the neighbor is a self-proclaimed nympho. I knew she and my husband started texting when she moved in in 2005, but I didn't think anything of it as she was looking for house/yard advice, but in 2016 I intercepted a message of her making fun of me to him. That told me right away this wasn't the first negative comment about me, I had them end the texting friendship. NOW I DIDN'T TRUST EITHER ONE OF THEM. She LOVES men, told me she texted men sex jokes, and HE screwed up with his boss in 2012!

When I demanded the 1:1 texting stop, in front of her, my husband said, "What's WRONG with you? You are making a FOOL of yourself. She is a NEIGHBOR and a FRIEND! You are MY WIFE. I LOVE you!" I said to them both to please stop the 1:1 texting that it made me uncomfortable. She said, "That's a weird request because all my friends are married men and wives don't mind. Your husband helps me. Can I CC you if I need his help?" I said yes ~ I don't mind him helping you, we can be neighbors, I don't want the 1:1 texting. I don't believe in opposite sex texting friendships.

So that was August 2016. She deceived me from Aug. 2016-Feb. 2020 by cc-ing me on about 12 texts to my husband. I thought they ended the 1:1 and that was it for texts. 

When I found out in February 2020 that they CONTINUED the texting and kept it a secret, I FREAKED OUT on them both. My husband INSISTED it was just stupid yard work texts, but yet he deleted every single one of them as they came in and he answered them. He refused to retrieve any texts from his phone. When I confronted her, she pretended she was offended by my questioning, yet she wouldn't show me any texts, either.

From Aug. 2016-Feb. 2020, I repeatedly asked him if he was contacting her or vice versa, and he adamantly said NO.

I am now believing he did have sex with her, and I am in utter shock, because 9 1/2 months have past and this woman, who literally lives on top of our house ~ I have NOT seen! She parks behind her house since February and goes in and out through her basement. For 15 years her favorite hobby was yardwork in her tight shirts and yoga pants ~ now she has hired a landscaper ~ she will NOT be seen outside. She is SCARED to face me. 

I thought if this was innocent texting banter, the 3 of us would come together as adults. If she said to me, "I know you said to stop texting him in 2016 and I should have, but you work full time and I didn't want to keep cc-ing you on annoying questions" ~ I would have BELIEVED her and forgiven her! I would have believed my husband!!!

It sounds like a full blown affair and not a friendship.

1. When I discovered this betrayal in February, he BLOCKED her. Why? If we were all neighbors and friends, an adult conversation should have taken place immediately. He blocked her as a "break up." That's what it seems to me. I thought they were "friends"? If they are such good friends, wouldn't they have settled my mind and suspicions in February? Yes, I would have been mad they hid their friendship ~ there was no reason to have a hidden friendship! If she knocked on the door when I was home or called him when I was home, I would have thought nothing of it. The only reason for the secrecy is it has to be an affair, right?  If they were such good friends, wouldn't they save their friendship and my feelings? NO, BECAUSE IT WAS AN AFFAIR! Am I right?

2. He refuses marriage counseling and text retrieval. I've been crying about this on/off for 9 1/2 months. Why won't he cough up money and do it? I tried Dr. Fone and it didn't work for her texts. I retrieved other texts from family, but not her texts. I believe he did something to perm. delete her texts. Why if they were only about "yard work"? When I bring it up the whole scandal he says, "YOU ARE DESTROYING THIS FAMILY. CUT THE B.S. I HAVE PROVEN TO YOU I AM FAITHFUL." But he hasn't. He says he is getting chest pains and I am killing him, but an easy solution is to retrieve the text messages. He won't. 

3. Her behavior shows me she is scared to face me. If she acted normal and continued to hang out in her front yard, and parked in front of her house I may have believed my husband. Everyone says to stop caring about her ~ I don't care about her ~ HER BEHAVIOR IS SHOWING ME SHE HAS SOMETHING MORE TO HIDE THAN JUST SENDING MY HUSBAND INNOCENT TEXTS.

4. What normal woman would live next door to a woman who assumes you and her husband were in an affair, you have proof to clear your name, but you won't. . . Does that make sense? NO, BECAUSE SHE WAS 100% IN AN AFFAIR with my husband. She always pretended to be my friend ~ always prying me to discuss my sex life. I can't believe I didn't see it. She kept telling me people need sexual releases ~ I think she was confessing to something and I think that's why she can't face me.

5. What husband would allow his wife to suffer and grieve for 10 months, when he could have all along said, "Let's the 3 of us talk. There's nothing going on. I am sure she has the messages on her phone." His stance has always been "she's a friend." IF THEY WERE FRIENDS, THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN RESOLVED IN FEBRUARY. 

Thank you for listening. I just feel like I am loosing my mind. When I talk to him, I start to think I am blowing this out of proportion, but if I was, she wouldn't be avoiding me. She'd have nothing to hide.

 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

If you are going to stay with your husband it is best that you put this behind you and move on.  The woman probably doesn't want to be bothered with you and that is why she is no longer in her front yard.  She does not want to talk or is obligated to talk to you and your husband.  Leave her alone and believe your husband since you have made up your mind to stay with him regardless.  Be glad she's out of site.

[peachpie]

Their actions destroyed our marriage. 

I have left her alone.

I don't think she would rearrange her whole life over a misunderstanding if she was texting "a friend." An innocent person would have confronted the wife and cleared the air. Not hide.

Thanks. I hear what you are saying. I am just so mad and hurt!

[kismetkismet]

He has proven to you many times that he is untrustworthy and does absolutely nothing to fix his behaviour or your marriage  (unless you count getting better at hiding it).You can't make it not have happened and you clearly can't make him tell you the extent of what happened.  If he refuses to try to work on your marriage, you only have two choices - stay in the marriage and forget what happened/turn a blind eye, or get a divorce.

[lana-banana]

You can't go by the neighbor's behavior as proof of anything. For all you know your husband told her you were a psychotic stalker who would murder her if you ever saw her again. Or maybe he threatened her if she ever dared to speak to you about it. She may not be innocent, but she may not be as guilty as you think, either. I agree that there's something else going on, but she's not the one you're married to.

I would absolutely end things with this man. Staying together would mean losing your mind and desperately analyzing his every word until you die of exhaustion and heartbreak. You have every right to be as mad and hurt as you are. Please take care of yourself.

[peachpie]

Thank you. I know.

It's so frustrating. One day I believe him and the next day I realize his story doesn't add up and I RESENT him doing this to me.

[basil67]

The next step is to accept that you will never know the truth, and that he will not do counselling.

Have you done counselling on your own?  Or talked to your pastor?  It could help you work though this to find the best solution that you need.

[peachpie]

I want to go to counseling but I haven't found a match. Our marriage counselor was a male and he pretty much sided with my husband. He said he did not believe that my husband's texts were innocent, and he didn't believe it was a full blown sexual affair, but he believed it was in the middle.

It was weird because on therapy session 2, the counselor kept changing the topic! Did this guy actually think the previous 45 minute session resolved 4 years of being lied to and sneaking around with this woman?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, matildag said:

I don't think she would rearrange her whole life over a misunderstanding if she was texting "a friend." An innocent person would have confronted the wife and cleared the air. Not hide.

It really doesn't matter what you think she should do, she's doing what she wants to do.  You can't make her want to talk to you and clear the air.  Obviously she doesn't want to clear the air and....... the air may still be unclean.  She didn't destroy your marriage because you are still together.  She and your husband damaged it.

Edited November 17, 2020 by stillafool

[peachpie]

It is destroyed. We are in separate beds. She knew we were married. He and I live separate lives
 

I don’t buy what you are saying. If she’s innocent she would go on living her life as usual and she is not leaving her house. 

maybe I am more of a decent person - I would never do this to another woman. If I was innocent, I would prove it to protect my own reputation 

what happened to her innocent friendship with my husband and all of his free help? Doesn’t she want that anymore? Lol  Do you see what I am saying? The “friendship” is over... 

it was a sex affair that ended

they were never friends or it would not have ended like this

 

Edited November 17, 2020 by matildag

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, matildag said:

It is destroyed. We are in separate beds. She knew we were married. He and I live separate lives
 

I don’t buy what you are saying. If she’s innocent she would go on living her life as usual and she is not leaving her house. 

maybe I am more of a decent person - I would never do this to another woman. If I was innocent, I would prove it to protect my own reputation 

what happened to her innocent friendship with my husband and all of his free help? Doesn’t she want that anymore? Lol  Do you see what I am saying? The “friendship” is over... 

it was a sex affair that ended

they were never friends or it would not have ended like this

 

 

By now, this is no longer about her not leaving her house.

 

This is about you  not leaving yours.

 

"Cough up the money and do it"

[peachpie]

I work 60 hours a week!!  
 

People are failing to see my point.

my point is she has rearranged HER life. And I know my husband had sex with her because they abruptly ended their “friendship.” 

[peachpie]

Anyone with a brain would protect their reputation, especially if they are innocent.

 

for 15 years she flaunted herself in her front yard 24 hours a day. I used to talk to her daily . She stopped this! She hired a landscaper . She avoids me. That’s not the sign of an innocent person

[peachpie]

Their relationship was HIDDEN! 
 

I had NO problem when they texted 1:1 2005-2016. I had a problem in 2016 when the topic switched to her making fun of me.

 

2016-2020 the “friendship “ was secret. I’m supposed to believe my husband it was innocent, yet he has no evidence and she’s hiding.

I am so hurt and angry because I am starting to believe it was a real affair.

 

because if they were friends since 2005 it would NOT have been secret the past 4 years and it would not have ended over this...

I just want someone to understand my depression! Thank you 

Edited November 18, 2020 by matildag

[FMW]

Your hurt and anger, and depression are very understandable.  

The posters here are used to giving opinions and advice about the situation at hand, and unfortunately your options on what to do are limited and none are pleasant.  It sounds like right now you just need to vent and work through things in your own head.  

I hope you can find some peace soon.  

[peachpie]

Thank you- I feel like I am going insane.

his version makes NO sense yet he is forcing me to believe it is innocent and putting me on a guilt trip - that I am hurting the family because I can’t let it go  

if she acted her usual self these past 9 months and continued her flaunting and gardening, I would believe his version... but she is confirming my suspicions by hiding. 

there is no closure or resolution and people seem to be defending this woman’s actions 

[justavillagegirl]

I don't see anybody defending her actions; posters are just trying to show you that you're focused on the whole person. Your husband holds all the answers that you need but it seems that he would rather torture you with silence than confess to his infidelity. Hypothetically, what would even happen if you were to find out that they have slept together? Would it even matter? I suspect you would still stay with him.

[Milly May June]

Gently, i am sorry for what you are going through! Some ideas, Can you get his Phone and run a phonelab just to give yourself some peace of mind? There are red flags in your husbands behaviour - lack of transperancy is the main one. 

Ditch the MC. Get an individual councling for your self to process this and to carve out your future with or without your husband. 

This woman is taking up a lot of your headspace. I agree you need answer but she will not provide them. Only your husband will. 

 

Edited November 18, 2020 by Milly May June

[Starswillshine]

I understand the analyzing and over analyzing of people's behavior. However, none of that gives you concrete proof. Could be she is embarrassed and scared to confrontation since she disrespected you and the boundaries you asked. 

Unless he confesses, there is little you can do to know for sure if they had sex (maybe if you can pull the text, but it doesn't sound very likely he is willing to give it up). What you have to deal with is that you asked for it to stop. You were very direct in how you felt. He (and she) disrespected that. Either he disrespected it because something more was going on and he didn't want to give it up. Or he disrespects you so much that he says screw it and risks his family all due to a flirty or friendly or whatever text exchange. Either way, it is not good. 

My suggestion is to stop with marriage counseling. They are there to help repair the marriage, so that is their bias.... you will feel misheard. Seek individual therapy to figure out the mess in your mind and how to cope with it. And make up what you want to do with the information you do have. 

It will continue to eat away at you and continue to make you feel insane..I have been there, done that. 

[peachpie]

Thank you, everyone. This woman has such a BAD reputation in my city and I begged my husband to let me know what she was doing behind my back. He said NOTHING!

4 years later he says what he/she was doing was no big deal - She was just texting looking for yard advice. Again if this was true there is 0 reason to lie.

right now he is no longer speaking to me. He’s ANGRY I won’t let it go but I can’t until he understands my PAIN and ANGER!!!!

[Milly May June]

I think almost all posters that have replied believe that something is fishy with this situation. However i think the main thing that ppl are telling you is to not allow this woman to take up more of your mental energy. She is just not worthy of your time. We can speculate about her motives and actions for all eternity but that will not help you in any way. 

Your husband however has some explaining to do. His lack of transperancy and defensive manner are red flags. If he had nothing to hide he would gladly offer up his Phone and even book a polygraph just to ease your mind. 

IMO your best bet is to work on yourself in therapy so you can exit this exhausting hamster cage you are stuck in. This overanalyzing cycle is not healthy for you. I know you are hurt and angry and you have been heard. I urge you to take conrete steps to improve your life. Therapy is a great step. To feel listended to and understood. To work through your fears. To get unstuck! To see your options. 

Hugs! 

[Crazelnut]

You need to stop focusing on her. She is not your problem. Her behavior tells you nothing. Your problem is a lying, cheating husband that you remain married to. Matilda, please find an IC who can help you through your rage and learn to stop overanalyzing this woman's behavior.

[deepthinking]

Why not just move home?  I can see no happiness for OP,  just worrying

[merrmeade]

5 hours ago, matildag said:

He’s ANGRY I won’t let it go but I can’t until he understands my PAIN and ANGER!!!!

I can totally identify with this. It's the bare minimum you need and he owes you. You cannot move beyond it until you know that he is capable of empathy, and he has done exactly the opposite. With empathy comes remorse. With remorse comes accountability. He should accept the responsibility to fix things so that you are not stewing and brooding and needing advice. Instead, he thinks that he's paid his dues and you should accept whatever atonement he thinks he's done. He thinks that absolves him of everything, and he can shift the blame to you.

Edited November 18, 2020 by merrmeade

[flitzanu]

also just to be fair, and not overlook the obvious, the world is kinda in a pandemic for the last 9 months and everyone is supposed to be staying inside their homes and not out in the world.  so her "hiding inside" for the last 9 months is basically what we are all supposed to be doing.

she may be "hiding" because of the 'Rona, and it may have absolutely nothing to do with you or this affair.